sometimes a family is a neurodivergent vet and his son orphan brother, his wife housekeeper, his business partner, his partner's wife, their two kids, a golden retriever, a springer spaniel, two rats and a colection of canned sardines.

I wasn’t feeling well at work once and the boss told me to go get something to eat. I did feel better and a little while later when he saw me and asked if I was feeling better I thought that the food in my gut had helped I meant to say food in my belly but told him “I feel a lot better with something in my butt”. Not sure we ever spoke again.

I was ordering a chicken sandwich and saw that you could turn it into a club sandwich (like bacon lettuce tomato cheese) for an upcharge. So I tried to ask, "Could you club my sandwich?" and I did but unconsciously added "..like a baby seal.." to it. I stood there in shock for a minute until my family started laughing, which set off the cashier and I too

an ornithologist pointed a microphone at a bird sitting alone on a wire and caught the sound of the bird singing a song at a decibel so low that it would be impossible for another bird to hear it, meaning the bird was singing quietly to itself I love life

love when emails start off with “DO NOT REPLY”. like oh yeah way ahead of you brother

Art challenge where you have to finish what you're making

*pounds a monster at 9pm* why can't I ever sleep at night

WAIT.I MEANT. THE DRINK LIKE I.M

what a post to post on the monsterfucker website. pure gold

life is so much better when you have a work of fiction to obsess over

openin’ the door to the microwave one second early because you don’t need all the hootin’ and hollerin’

faeries are not real but i wish thwy were so i could spray one with raid

harry houdini to his wife after a long exhausting dinner with arthur conan doyle