i have a false tooth filled with a placebo in case i'm ever captured and need to be a control subject

my best tip for anyone trying to get back into reading is to remember that you can read books to avoid other responsibilities in ur life and it can become a vice if you play your cards right

sometimes a family is a neurodivergent vet and his son orphan brother, his wife housekeeper, his business partner, his partner's wife, their two kids, a golden retriever, a springer spaniel, two rats and a colection of canned sardines.

I wasn’t feeling well at work once and the boss told me to go get something to eat. I did feel better and a little while later when he saw me and asked if I was feeling better I thought that the food in my gut had helped I meant to say food in my belly but told him “I feel a lot better with something in my butt”. Not sure we ever spoke again.

I was ordering a chicken sandwich and saw that you could turn it into a club sandwich (like bacon lettuce tomato cheese) for an upcharge. So I tried to ask, "Could you club my sandwich?" and I did but unconsciously added "..like a baby seal.." to it. I stood there in shock for a minute until my family started laughing, which set off the cashier and I too

an ornithologist pointed a microphone at a bird sitting alone on a wire and caught the sound of the bird singing a song at a decibel so low that it would be impossible for another bird to hear it, meaning the bird was singing quietly to itself I love life

love when emails start off with “DO NOT REPLY”. like oh yeah way ahead of you brother

Art challenge where you have to finish what you're making

*pounds a monster at 9pm* why can't I ever sleep at night

WAIT.I MEANT. THE DRINK LIKE I.M

what a post to post on the monsterfucker website. pure gold

life is so much better when you have a work of fiction to obsess over