Do you agree that aging into a beautiful life is noticing the beauty in things you never had before. Or that you've never noticed before. But have always been there. Do you agree that, through sheer force of will, the grass can be greener on this side.
This is gonna be a dark answer so just warning you.
I don't know what aging into a beautiful life looks like, but I've been putting a lot of thought into it. I had a breakthrough last week. When I was in the psych ward last year I was there because I was going to kill myself. I was in a state of unending emotional torture and death seemed like a mercy. So I checked myself in and, long story short, it took forever but I got rid of this pain I'd been feeling.
What I didn't regain, however, is the sense that life is worth living. In fact, I've felt that way for a very, very long time. Since I realized as a child that there was no afterlife, only nothing after death, that life was meaningless in an ultimate sense, I've always felt like a hostage. I didn't ask to be born. And now I'm a conscious being hurtling toward the void, with every part of my nature horrified by it.
I resent this. All my life I've felt there was something so wrong about all of this. All of it, being alive, being conscious -- it's a thing that shouldn't be. A mistake somehow. The great irony is that my depressive episode, in a way, legitimized my desire to do what I've always wanted to do: opt out of existence.
SO. Now I don't have an excuse anymore. I won't be the ghost haunting my family. So, how can you make life worth living in the face of it all? In the face of suffering and meaninglessness?
I don't know. I'm getting clues. The other day I was on my sister's speed boat. I sat up front while she drove across the lake. The wind, the spray, a thunderstorm coming in, flying across the water. That moment was worth living for. If life could be like that? Okay.
When we got back to shore I picked a yellow flower, glowing in the twilight. I remembered Charlie Chaplin, a guru of mine, and thought maybe the best revenge on existence is joy. Not denying the horror. In spite of it.
But, not every day can be a speedboat. I've been plotting my time by the half hour and working at a furious pace at everything. My worst habit is checking out of my life. I'm checking in. Constant engagement. That's doing something. I've also decided that I want to get in shape. My life needs to be better and if I felt better about my body I bet I'd feel better in general.
I'm not someone to ask about the simple things. They honestly just don't do it for me. I'm an intense person who's lived a life of extremes. And the situation with being alive in general is not great. So I feel like I need to reach for big things. There's too much to balance out to rely on a cup of coffee and a phone call.
yousharknotpass
jacobvanloon
kianamaiart
stormborns
pixelskylines
turnnoffyourmind
snowghoul
