Eternal Internal Screaming

my dad: i thought it was bones

me:

If you go without it you feel unwell in a way that you never usually feel unwell. Sweating, tired, sleepy, headaches, irritable, depressed, etc. For example when I was in opium withdrawal I got incredibly depressed in a way that I’ve never been before or since. When you quit caffeine you might get super bad headaches even if you never usually get any headaches.

Thoughts of it regularly bother you and the thoughts go away once you’ve taken it but only temporarily. Unlike with a food craving which usually stays away once you’ve satisfied it or distracted yourself from it.

You find yourself rationalizing with yourself why you should break your own rules about how much you can take and how often. For example you might only let yourself drink alcohol every four days but start thinking that three days is actually close enough to four days, right? Especially if this happens regularly.

You’re using it so often that you feel the need to lie about how much you use because other people might think it’s concerning

If the substance or activity is nearby it’s genuinely difficult to not consume it or participate in it in a way that’s really frustrating.

You feel bad when you’re not on it and your brain tells you “if you just take the thing you wouldn’t feel this way”

You can only feel “whole” or “normal” when you’re on a substance even though it’s a recreational drug

if you see any of the signs listed above, you are likely still in the window of "i should reign this in", and it is very likely that if you decide to do so in this moment, you will succeed.

most people in active addiction don't figure it out until they are deep enough into it that the psychological aspect becomes too powerful, especially because they don't know how to recognize these signs. if education were more well-rounded, a lot less people would end up stuck in addiction because you genuinely can take control if you realize you've gone too far early enough.

my basic tenet is, if i start showing signs of addiction, i quit for six months. no matter what it is. six months is enough time to get through the detox, it's enough time to start putting my head into the right space and look at the situation less objectively, and it's enough time to build a new ruleset if i decide to go back to using. this has worked for me multiple times, with several different substances.

however, if you find yourself in a cycle of doing this regularly, you're likely past the point of being able to regain control. nicotine has its grip in me because i let myself slip and stopped stopping when i saw it get unhealthy.