Blasting Off Again

thank you for asking anon! i’ve kept this one close to the chest for a while, but the answer is YES! if all goes according to plan, i will be publishing the final version of YMHW (no longer called YMHW) this fall, as the first of what will hopefully be a number of non-fannish novels! it’s all a little terrifying, because going the self-pub route means i am 1. figuring things out as i go, and 2. taking the version you’re familiar with down from ao3.

That last one KILLS me. YMHW in its current form means an almost ridiculous lot to me and—trusting your many very lovely comments—it does to some of you, too. that is the reason i want to take this next step, though: i think this story can carry a similar comfort & joy beyond fandom spaces, and i want to give it a chance to be found by & shared with anyone who may be in need of a chunky, feel-good, sapphic romantic comedy this year.

if you loved YMHW, i’m not expecting anything beyond the support you’ve already so kindly & generously given me. i would obviously be thrilled if you were interested in buying the book! but i understand if you prefer to remember the story as is, and don’t want to see it outside of its original context. that’s why i’m leaving YMHW up for another week: you’re welcome to (re)read it or to download it for private use, but i do ask that you don’t share the file with others, especially after i take YMHW offline. the platform i’m publishing on (yes that one) requires exclusivity; digital copies circulating after i publish put me in direct danger of getting banned, which will destroy my chances of putting out the next novels i’m working on. in light of several past experiences, i’ve also officially established my copyright, which means i now have a way to fight back properly if my work gets stolen or plagiarized again.

until June 13th, You & Me & Holiday Wine can be found here. if you’d like to be among the first to see the cover, receive updates & other insights & previews, or are interested in reviewing an ARC, you can subscribe to my newsletter here.

i’m saving every single comment you’ve ever left me. writing YMHW, sharing it with you, and hearing what it meant to you was a blindingly bright spot during a very dark time, and i will be grateful to it and to you for that, forever.

(this summary was bc i didnt want to reread the 30% i read 2 years ago and needed to prove i remembered it)

Kara’s eyes immediately flick to Lena. Their first kiss two days ago had been electric. Fireworks had been a cliché until her lips had met Lena’s, and the searing heat of their mutual desire had arced between them, and pooled warm and wanting in Kara’s belly. And now, Lena’s joy shines so brightly that Kara has to look away.

“Oh, I’m actually… well…” Kara trails off into nothing, smiling awkwardly as she fidgets with her glasses, ducking her chin.

Kara feels Lena’s disappointment before she even dares to glance back up. Her bright, beautiful smile noticeably dims, then returns as a shade of its former self, tight and forced. It’s hollow as she ducks her chin, hiding her sudden discomfort.

No one else seems to notice, but Kara’s stomach sinks further and further as the conversation continues. Lena contributes little, and it comes as little surprise to Kara when she feigns a glance at her phone some minutes later, and rises to her feet.

“Where are you going?” Sam asks immediately, her gaze sharp as it narrows in suspicion.

Lena waves off her concern. “Something’s come up at the office,” she says. “Sorry, but I have to go.”

Sam uncurls from her seat in Kara’s easy chair. “I’ll go with you…”

“No,” Lena returns, sharply enough that she visibly softens. “I’ve got it covered.”

A frown crinkles Sam’s features, but she settles back down onto the cushion. “Okay…”

“You ladies enjoy your night.”

Lena’s eyes land on Kara for a split second before swiftly sliding away. Shame coats the inside of her throat, her chest, keeping her rooted to the floor just wanting to melt into nothing. It’s not until the sensation of being watched pulls Kara’s eyes to her sister’s. Alex’s gaze is expectant, like Kara might be the one to explain what the hell just happened

Kara finds herself on her feet before the thought to follow Lena even registers. She swallows thickly as she crossed to the door, wiping her palms against her slacks before gripping the door knob and twisting it open. She spots Lena heading for the elevator, and finally, finally, Kara’s guilt shifts to panic.

“Lena!”

Lena pauses at the sound of her name, but doesn’t turn. Kara closes the distance between them with hurried strides, but curls her hands into fists to keep them from reaching out. “Lena…”

“It’s fine.” Lena’s assurance is terse, and plainly hollow.

“Clearly it’s not.” Kara doesn’t mean for it to sound so accusatory; she’d been the one who misspoke, by saying nothing at all.

Lena turns to face her, and Kara nearly flinches at the way her eyes glisten with tears. But Lena’s jaw remains tight with restraint, and her gaze won’t meet Kara’s.

“I know it’s not,” Kara amends. “It’s not okay. I just…” Her attempt to explain quickly trails off. She doesn’t know why her gut clenches with shame at the thought of telling others about the moment they’d shared. She’d been fine sharing her relationship with Mon’el, eventually. She’d resented his blatant disregard for her wishes in telling the DEO at large that they were dating, but the tightness that coils in her stomach now is different. But why??

“Look,” Lena says shortly, “I—I really enjoyed our night this week. And you were so into it I didn’t realize you weren’t ready to tell anyone else you’re gay. Unless it’s me specifically you’re ashamed of.”

“I’m not—”

“It’s not like I haven’t been where you are, Kara. I get  it. But the thing is, I am too old and too tired to be anyone’s dirty little secret. I’ve come too far for that.”

Kara’s mouth runs dry. She wants to rebut Lena’s claim—they, Lena isn’t a secret. But that was exactly what Kara had made her in that apartment, when she’d shied away from the truth. Not out of a desire for privacy, but from fear.

“So, whatever it is you’re hung up on," Lena continues. "Me, girls, or all of the above—figure it out before you decide to fuck me again.”

Is Archeops gping to land on her arm like a hawk? If so, how heavy is it. Can't be too-