Rantings of a Whiny Adolescent

There's this thing. 

I think everyone has one. 

It's this inner urge that just...consumes.

Some people control it rather well. It listens when they want it to and they let loose every once and a while. Things don't trigger them. Things are in c o n t r o l.

Then there's the others.

It becomes insatiable for them. It becomes a being within themselves; almost in some way nursed within their very own psychotic womb, regardless of gender. 

They can struggle, kick and scream and isolate themselves from the world, but they can't escape it. It's not a matter of abortion, as it becomes one with you.

It attaches itself to every area of your life, feeding on your weaknesses. It makes you say things and mean others and there's a constant sense of "fake" and disbelief that people really are so simple.

A constant disbelief that maybe they're so simple because you've become so utterly complex.

There becomes a line when this thing becomes warped. You can't even tell what it is anymore. Is it an emotion? Need? Reaction? Consequence? You're not sure anymore, but you definitely know it's invaded you mind and soul to the point it's hard to breathe without thinking of it anymore.

You just...need. Crave, Desire.

What, though?

Something to get your mind off of your warped thought process becomes almost mandatory. Without something, -anything-, it gets to the point where your sluggish mind almost forces you into a comatose state. As much as you realize that maybe staying inside in one spot might be the best for you -and- society, you know that you're human and human beings can only be selfish at the core of it all.

I'll confess.

People have called me impulsive, rash, thoughtless and eager to please. I've been told I have no common sense and therefore give people the impression I have no respect for myself.

"I'm sorry." "You're right." "Yeah, that definitely won't happen again." "Yeah, what was I -thinking-? Hahaha, obviously I wasn't."

I guess the conclusion that I constantly get myself into dangerous situations is lost on them. Or maybe they just don't understand. They don't have that "need" inside them for chaos. For agony and pain. They don't have that apathetic mindset that is almost entirely logical.

I guess something inside of me has always considered my life too good for me. I constantly seek things out to give myself reasons for such mental anguish.

The only thing different between me from when I was a teenager to now is that I've learned to hide it behind a mask that's impenetrable by all. No one knows how deep my problems run.

No one knows this... thing.

So every time I swallow a pill to forget or to fade away, or every time I take another drink for the same reason. I don't expect them to understand. Because they can't.

I've always known I thought a little differently.

They've always thought I think the same.

and I feel like I can never escape the road

but I can always dream

I'll hit that empty and low that's so infamous

From a broken heart

so I can taste that special sadness I've not yet become addicted to. 

Is it as sweet as loneliness? 

People always talk about the bliss

Everything around me is fading,

Quietly hiding in myself

I've slowly become what I've hated

So tell me I'm not so wrong

I'm not a habit that'd you call bad

Hide me from myself

I'm simply over-tired 

I'm simply over-tired

So what does it even matter?

No one's gonna notice anyway

I'm leaving in a final way

This world is over-rated

This world is over-rated

The dull shock has set in

Will I get to feel once again?

This happiness is overrated

It just never ends up lasting

It just never ends up lasting

So tell me why I have to go

Am I the only one that's in the way?

Of this never-ending cycle

You're the only one that matters,

So lately, I've been having major problems organizing myself and getting my mood stabilized. I mean outwardly, I know I constantly have a "flat" mood, but inwardly it's a like a fucking roller coaster. I could practically be two entirely different people and it's a little disconcerting. I mean, I know I'm emotionally retarded, but still. 

I'm a university student and my grades are slipping because I can't actually handle my academics. It's not that they're too hard. I'm just complete utter shit at task management and actually attending classes and getting stuff done on time. I know I should only be taking three courses a semester, so considering next semester I'm taking 3 courses, I should have a bit easier of a time. 

I'm also sick of not being able to handle other people influencing my moods. Like, I'll be fine, and then my dad will call me on the fucking phone crying (which he never did before he got in his accident and was brain injured) about how he shouldn't have to give me the money I gave him from my student loans (that I'm currently living off of) because he is at the time in his life where he should be happy. It wasn't the fact he was crying on the phone that fucking mortified me. It was the fact that I didn't care. Whatsoever. Seriously. It was just like this void. And all I said in return was, "Thanks for the money. Was that the only reason you called?" 

I think I'm at the point in my life where my bullshit meter has hit the top and just has no more capacity. I try to take it easy for a bit and everything just fucks up. I know these are like first-world problems and shit but I'm sick and tired of my suicidal mother and brain injured father.

Okay, I admit it. I sound like a selfish bitch. 

But really, after having to take care of a mother who tried to kill herself with you in the house a few times from the age of 7 because your father was out working, dealing with her mood swings and sometimes physically abusive behaviour, having no friends in school for your entire life, then having your father get in a head on truck collision that leaves him crippled for life and brain injured kind of makes you hit your bullshit capacity. 

So it's like three in the morning and bitching to nameless faces (or no faces, considering I'm pretty sure no one is going to read this ridiculous rant) at three in the fuckin' morning, but hey, if I don't speak to anyone about it real life, I have to put it somewhere other than my brain, right? 

I'm also sick of being a fucking fatass. I mean, I lost some weight (god knows how). Like, I went from 215 to 180. But at the same time, I'm still gonna be a fuckin' fatass until I get down to at least 160. I have a naturally curvy figure so goin' any lower than 150 would look fucking weird and downright scary on me, and I've kind of accepted that. Still, I'm terrified of gaining weight back and I don't know what to do about it. 

For once, I wish my life was under my control. I don't get how people out there can just fucking conquer their shit and keep it that way. They -own- their lives and I'm not sure how. Mine feels like I'm trying to ride one of those fake-ass riding bulls or whatever and people keep chucking fuckin' feces at it or something. Honestly, I try but I just end up on the ground, smelling like shit, looking like shit, and most likely injured. 

I'm also not sure why, but people have bitched to me about finding their "one" so often I'm finding myself concerned with it as well. Even though I've pretty much sworn off relationships for my lifetime, there's still that little piece of me that wants to go looking. Honestly though, if the guy was the one for me, he'd be relentlessly pursuing me and pretty just make me his. I'm a hopeless romantic waiting for a knight in shining armour I know won't put up with most of my bullshit. Pretty much, it's pathetic. 

{voice}

You sit here for hours, wasting time and wasting brain power.

Who're you living for?

Are you shooting for your dreams, or are you chasing unrealistic ones?

What's life without a little grounding 

And what's love without a little pounding

On stupid goals and stupid thoughts

I'll make you see how I came to be

How I am who I am

And how I've clipped these motherfuckin' wings 

{music start}

{v1}

Is life meant to be so mundane?

I'm sick of this fuckin' borin' ass lane. 

I mean, would it really fuckin' hurt to spruce it up?

But by "spruce it up", I didn't mean shit on us. 

I'm sick of this shit I gotta deal with on the side.

And I'm sick of feelin' like a fuckin' nerd dealin' with my emotions with these rhymes.

I'm done with actin' like I'm something more

Than one big-ass rusty two-way door.

The goodness goes through me, in and out. 

But it's gone as fast as it comes and it makes me wanna shout. 

"Am I significant?" I want to scream. 

But it's useless, I know. 

I'm not even a bug in the scheme of things. 

{CHORUS}

How could I ever feel

That this was worth it?

And how could it ever feel like this wasn't worthless? 

{v2}

I used to sit here thinking, "Man, I'll be something more

than all those people thought who fucked with me before"

I'm ugly, I'm useless, I'm motherfuckin' fat.

But I thought my own mind could get me through that. 

Well shit man, it knocked me down. 

Spun around and fuckin' shouted out loud. 

"This is what you are, 

This is who you'll be,

You can try to change, 

But you'll never beat me." 

And I'm left here, still dazed and sittin' on my ass.

"Who's 'me'?" I'm askin' myself wonderin' why I give a rat's ass.

But it's that unattainable goal that's always been out of reach.

I can stretch all I want but it's that solid I can't ever breach.

{chorus}

How could I ever feel

That this was worth it?

And how could it ever feel like this wasn't worthless? 

{middle}

You know someone said to me the other day, 

"Why you gotta complicate life, man? We're all gonna die one day."

And I was left thinkin' to myself "maybe he's fuckin' right" 

All this stupid fuckin' angst is just puttin' out my light.

So it might not be the brightest.

And I might now fuckin' shine,

But I'll burn fuckin' comfortably 

Until it becomes the time

That my motherfuckin' candle is just smoke in this fucked up line. 

{instrumental}

{fade out, LAST CHORUS}

How could I ever feel

That this was worth it?

And how could it ever feel like this wasn't worthless? 

And now it's time to face reality 

And just let things go

It's hard to portray yourself as a depressing person.

You feel the more you bitch, the more people stay away from you.

Really - who wants to be friends with a negative nancy?

You guess you always appear happy to other people. Always smiling, laughing. Everyone always comments on how easy it is to make you laugh. 

No one really realizes you've become so good at fake laughing and smiling they can't tell the actual difference. 

You have a hard time smiling and laughing like you're supposed to, to keep everyone's attention away from you. It happens rarely, but sometimes you end up grimacing instead of smiling, or can't bring yourself to fake a laugh as a response. 

No one notices anyway.

You don't understand how all these people have this concept of love and friendship, this idea that you can tell the people you love your problems and they'll try to help you in fixing them or just comfort you. It seems to you this is a one-way road for more people, and the more you test the waters and throw bad-mood vibes out on purpose, the more your friends and family focus on themselves.

You think of your mother's words, after being in a "happy" marriage for 20 years. How she sits, almost in tears in another room to get away from the husband she's being paid to take care of, telling you, "You think you're going to find someone to take care of all your problems, Taylor? You think if you just hold out a little longer someone will come along and make everything better for you? You think someone will listen to every little problem you have and comfort you? Well it doesn't work that way. No one cares to listen and no one will. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there and you're all on your own. Just look at me."

You wonder for a moment how a mother could say that to her child, and then begin to realize it's the best piece of knowledge you've come across in a long time. As bad as it seems, you have to make your own future. There will be no one to lean on in bad times, and you have to become tough, so nothing will faze you. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there and you're all on your own, and no matter how much people claim to care, they never will. You're all on your own, and you have to suck it up and be strong. No one is going to catch you if you fall. You'll just fall, and crash, and hurt the hell out of yourself but there's no real hospital or bandaid for your injuries, for that's the strength of your own mind. 

The universe is out to get you, and it's you against the world. Every time you think you have bad luck, only you can fix it. You can bitch and moan all you want, but you're just ruining resources (which most have the misfortune of referring to as friends in their minds) for future use. You have to be cunning, and manipulative and sometimes cruel. You suppose it's okay to be selfish sometimes if it's to achieve your dreams, or to lighten your crash. 

Sometimes it's hard thinking like this, sometimes you just want to scream at the top of your lungs and cry. You want to cry so fucking hard, but you can't. You have never been able to because you suppose you fell too many times too hard and had the tears knocked out of you. You wish you could release the dam, but you've built up your resistance so much that there's no chance of anything getting through. 

So you suppose you must try to make yourself become emotionless. You can feel the numbness sweeping over you, but you've never tried to truly grasp it. It's only sheltered you from safety during your hardest times, but you've never tried to hold on to it. You've never tried to merge with the numbness that only you can call your guardian. 

Is this the purpose of life? So grasp the feeling of feeling nothing? You suppose if you want to achieve your dreams, it must be. You know you'll never be truly happy with anything, but maybe having the comfort in knowing that you made something out of yourself, and triumphed over where you came from, will make it a little bit easier to tolerate life until you die. 

No one's going to save you.

No one's going to be waiting for you on the other side.

Nothing's going to greet you for the rest of eternity.

Only your mind, your spirit and your willpower will aid you.

It's like no one fucking cares.

It's not so much the fact I think people wouldn't care if I died. Sure, there are people who love me as family and would be very sad to have me gone. 

I know people care about me because of who I am and the family I belong to, and I guess that's something, but no one really shows it. 

I'm by myself out here, and I guess that's a big part of growing up. I suppose it's a little selfish to long for someone who wants to know all about me, how I'm feeling, how my mind works. I sure do think I'm a selfish bitch for thinking it. 

I ask that of others. I listen to their problems and I help my friends. Why do I feel as if it doesn't go both ways?

For once in my life, I wish someone wished to know how I was feeling as I do for them. I wish they wanted to know me, rather than just know me out of obligation. 

I should have to feel like I'm whining whenever I talk about myself to others. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth whenever I speak about myself to others. I always feel like they just don't care. They're listening to be polite. 

I don't really matter; I just am. 

I should have probably made this a private blog, but I'm glad no one I know has the URL to this thing. It's full of secrets. I'd never tell anyone I know I actually feel this way. They all think I'm a happy, carefree girl. There may be some times I tried to share my true feelings with them out of desperation, but I quickly gave up on that venture. They most likely think I was just having a bad day. 

I suppose I long for closeness, but it's becoming more and more apparent that that's something I will just not have in my life. I suppose I need to harden up; get rid of my soft, tender feelings. I'm an adult now and no one I meet is going to care for me intensely. 

It's a hard world and I'm just going to have to learn how to take care of myself emotionally, physically and mentally. 

It's just the "getting there" that makes it so rough.

Someday, I'll be hardened from years of living, and look back at these weak times with pity for myself. At least, I hope so. I hope there's a time in my life where I just won't care. I need time to kill these emotions within me. 

I've been missing someone I shouldn't.

For they were not for me.

Even though they it's better to love and to lose,

I sit here, wishing for that one person, that will ask after to me as if they care. Nobody truly does care. I know I'm chasing after a fantasy, but I wish there was someone, in my life, that would ask after me. With a stubborn attitude. If they were to ask if I were okay, and I replied with a "yes," they'd know I was lying. 

I wish there was one person who would chase after me to the ends of the earth to fully understand me, want to know all about me and let me know all about them. Someone who was interested in how I function, why I do things certain ways and what I've been through.

I wish there was someone who wants to pick me apart.

It's nothing but a bend.

I think it's going somewhere.

Time flies,

I wish I was young again.