Part time human

certified chicken post

so im having a piss in the bathroom (where its supposed to go…) and these vaping godless wenches think the sound of my tinkle warrants a giggle. does anyone know how to get me in contact with some powerful etsy witches for a cheap and swift vengeance

A couple weeks ago my boyfriend (habitual sleeptalker) said in his sleep “thats crazyyyyyy” and I said “what’s crazy?” And he said “that you didn’t know that” and then turned over and did not elaborate. And I can’t stop thinking about it what didnt I know..

"hear me out" and it's a picture of the most fuckable building you've ever seen. c'mon now.

“hear me out” and it’s the fucking dildopolis

the second radish is 29 feet away

this is legitimately the funniest post on this site

Actually if I was miles edgeworth and I had to fight against Phoenix ‘bullshitter’ wright I would go insane too. He just starts bringing up meaningless shit interviewing your witness, completely irrelevant to the case, and the judge just lets it happen cause he loves gossip. He says shit like ‘sir the witness was obviously lying! Two days before the murder they didn’t wake up at dawn! They woke up 15 minutes later!’. And miles has to be like ‘what the fuck does this matter we literally have photographic evidence and dna analysis of your client KILLING THE MAN’ and. And then. He wins. He strings together a line of irrational bullshit so well that your witness goes ‘ARRRGH AAAHHHH ALSKJDJSS. I DID IT I KILLED THAT GUY’. Now personally if that was me I would strangle him but becoming psychosexually obsessed with him works too I guess

wiping my cheeto dust hands on your shirt. i want to build a beautiful life with you

Every glasses-related poll honestly needs to be separated into diopter ranges like wrestling weight classes bc every timeeeeee these +1.25 bitches are in the notes like "OMG why would you wear glasses in the shower!! why would you wear glasses having sex!!" because without them i am functionally blind. you may as well turn the lights off at that point bc i am feeling my way to the pussy like Velma. those are my eyes, bitch

earlier this year 2 boys got expelled from my school for going on a teachers email and sending another teacher an email that says “you’re a disgusting little man” and i laugh about it all the time because imagine opening an email from your coworker and thinking it’s important and then it says that

“the post received five notes in two years” are you mad at me? :(