deraquo

kadang, aku ngerasa not belong anywhere. probably because I'm having a lot of setbacks. aku pun merasa kalau akhir-akhir ini jadi panikan, sensitif, dan terlalu banyak overthink. jujur saja, menyalahkan diri sendiri dan menempel jidat dengan nasihat: 'kamu tu jangan berlarut-larut, kalau di kamar terus blablabla' is not helping at all, kadang malah semakin menyalahkan diri sendiri jadinya putting on shame to myself. and it's not something good for my growth.

some people will never understand me, some people will understand me. some who understand will sympathize, some will turn their heads away, some will ignore. I am truly not for anyone.

people look so happy from afar. i saw that and wonder, why can't i be happy like them? but then, i remember, i hadn't been true to myself since the last day a big setback took a toll on my mental well-being. I've been putting a lot of pressure onto myself, and then there's stream of pressures from outside.

someday, i feel like not breathing.

but today, when i feel suffocated, i'll think about kujira. and when i think about kujira, i'll think about yuumei-san. and when i think about yuumei-san, i'll think about blue period. then i'll think about mashiro. then i'll think about my relationship with drawing.

"Pertama, kalau mau main, cari dulu tempat bermainnya."

Kalau gabisa menikmati permainan, berarti kurang jago.