Sam’s Blog

Boyfriend: So does being an ant person

Me: Again, baby, they’re not ants

Boyfriend: YES THEY ARE. They communicate via pheromones— LIKE ANTS.

Me: So back to the soulmate thing….

Boyfriend: You could trick them into following orders and thinking they’re dead by spraying them with a spritz bottle. I think they need a queen.

Me: So back to the soulmate thing…. Seems hellish!

Boyfriend: Not really. If being around the other person is what triggers the changes, if you want to go back to normal… all you need to do is leave.

Me, writing: (You found your soulmate. It’s changing you in scary ways. All you need to do is leave… how difficult would it be to leave? What pressures exist to stay?)

Boyfriend: So these ant-people—

In one corner we have a guy trying to run an ER with a level of sad, soft dad energy that would say "hold my beer" to Pedro Pascal and it's gritty and real and sad and beautiful and compassionate and FINE FUCKING ART.

And across the hall we have Morris Chestnut in a stunning designer suit running around with Laszlo Cravensworth in his head going "GoOd JoB wAtSoN yOu'Re My bEsT fRiEnD, mY pAl, My HoMeBoY, mY rOtTeN sOlDiEr, My SwEeT cHeEsE, mY gOoD tImE bOy!" while his gaggle of hot fellows work 9-5 even though they have INPATIENTS THAT NEED CARE.

And yet nearly every adaptation (especially the more modern ones) play into the 'arsehole genius' trope and make Holmes a bad housemate.

I cannot accept 'bad housemate' Sherlock. Not when the first conversation he ever has with Watson is when he ensures that they compare habits to see if they'd be a good fit for sharing a flat.

When adapting Sherlock Holmes, I can only accept one of two things:

Holmes is genuinely a good housemate, or

in j2 ford documented the zodiac as he saw in his dreams, but even though that's the only version gideon would be familiar with, he still placed the symbols in a different order. obviously, he probably just didn't remember the exact order, but it still worked.

i also think it's interesting that ford was more easily able to remember the cave version than the version he'd been having reoccurring dreams about. like he'd dreamed the zodiac so frequently he was able to draw THAT from memory, but he saw the cave version what, once? and was able to recall that one in the heat of battle. did he like that one better because the six fingered hand was at the top and he wanted to be the main character?

also the way bill's top hat is placed and the way his bricks are drawn differ. there's other detail work that are different, but the zodiac placement and the way bill HIMSELF is drawn are very big deviations that always give me pause since you'd think those would be the most important things to get right. if gideon's had matched the book and ford's had matched the cave, you could say the book version was for summoning and the cave version was for banishing, but gideon's doing his own thing over there.

it's like bill wants to be hard enough to contact that you have to be serious about working with him, but not so hard to contact that only a few people can do it. he wants the perfect balance between maximum amount of pawns but minimal amount of people who are useless to him. if he'd been one of those demons you summon by accidentally stumbling into it (a la cabin in the woods), well that's no good because then he has to separate the wheat from the chaff. but his ritual can't be so complicated (a la a dark song) that only the most highly trained and dedicated occultists can reach him.

I love the idea that Damian becomes a doctor so much, but I am also aware that he is a little adrenaline junkie and would be bored and miss vigilantism.

So, instead of going to his father and asking for the occasional patrol or spar. Damian decides to go to Selina with his boredom.

Selina and he have bonded over the years. Their shared love of cats, their rough past, and their very different yet complicated relationship to the batman. So Damian meets her for coffee every couple of weeks to vent.

It's therapeutic, and Damian quite likes having someone who listens to his side of things without rushing to defend everyone else. Selina has been around a long time and is well aware of the flaws of his father and siblings. She understands his frustration and the fact that it doesn't change how much he loves his family.

Selina has a soft spot for the boy who was so hurt and angry when she first met him but decided his own path to helping people. So when Damian tells her how he misses the adrenaline, the adventure, but can't hurt people anymore. (He took an oath, and he doesn't want to anymore, never again if he can help it.) Selina has a wonderful idea.

If he won't be a vigilante anymore, why not a thief?

Damian protests when she suggests it. At first.

Then Selina mentions how an awful lot of the money she takes ends up in the hands of the community and that she is not active nearly as much as Batman. A good heist takes quite a bit of planning after all.

The thing that really sold him is when Selina said she needed back up anyway to steal this artifact from a private collector and return it to its country of origin.

Doctor Damian Wayne sits across from her, a cat in his lap, and smiles as she outlines the plan and agrees easier than she thought he would.

Now Damian is highly trained, turned into a weapon from birth, but Selina insists on showing him some of her own moves. Damian excels in flexibility and the more arobatic elements. He picks pockets and exploits alarm systems like he's done it for years. He grins as he tells her exactly how he got around his father. No one wise ever lets anyone know all of their skills, even allies.

Selina delights in teaching him social exploitation, how to use his looks and charm to convince marks to just let him in. She laughs at the disgisted face he makes as she describes how to flirt and distract. Selina is actually a little impressed with how well he does at it after a bit of practice on regular people.

They melt at his accent and pretty green eyes, tripping over themselves to give Damian anything he wants if only to have his attention a moment longer.

Selina giggles at the thought of Bruce's and the other bats' reaction to their baby becoming the object of admirers. She reminds herself to get him to use his new skills at the next Wayne Gala so she can watch the chaos.

Finally, Selina declares him ready and hands him his new costume. Which happens to be a skintight black catsuit made from what he guesses is reinforced material, complete with a mask to cover his mouth and a hood with cat ears sewn on top.

"No."

"But you'll look so cute kitten!"

"I'll look like an idiot!"

"You need a suit, I altered one of mine, so unless you're going to rob this guy wearing the Robin outfit, it'll have to do."

"Fine!"

"Do you have a name? Or am I calling you kitten all night?"

Damian sighs and thinks, "You can call me Stray."

The job goes extremely well. Catwoman and Stray get in, grab the artifacts and a few extras that catch their eye, and get out without anyone noticing. It's the most fun Damian has had in ages, flitting across rooftops once again.

After that, Stray makes regular appearances, robbing the corrupt and returning culturally significant objects and wealth to where they belong. Afterwards, he goes to work and saves lives.

Damian and Selina don't tell the others about their escapades. Damian doesn't want the hassle of explaining his choices to them, and ever since he hung up the cape, his father and brothers have been overprotective to the extreme. Silena is waiting until the world's greatest detective figure out his civilian son is now her sidekick.

Batman notices Strays existence months after Damian starts his new hobby. He meets his father in the house of a mob boss Catwoman had been targeting for years.

"Catwoman, whose your friend?" Batman grunts

"Oh, Batsy, meet my kitten, Stray."

Damian pitches his voice a little lower and carefully imitates a Gotham accent.

"Great to finally meet you Batman, my mentor has told me so much about you." Damian offers a clawed hand. His father doesn't take it.

"Get out of here. This guy is involved in a human trafficking ring I'm tracking down."

"All the more reason to liberate his ill gotten gains, don't cha think?" Damian asks with a smirk.

Batman glares at him but let's them leave with a few nice paintings and doesn't bother giving chase. Damian ignores Selina winking at the Bat and whispering in his ear for his own sanity.

It goes on like this for weeks. When he sees his father outside the mask, the man is doting and worried if he's eating enough. When he he meets Batman, the man is cold and standoffish.

The other bats enjoy his humour but are thoroughly confused at his ability to evade them.

(Bruce is losing it because the last time a masked figure showed in Gotham with vaguely familiar moves, it was Jason on a revenge mission. At least, Stray isn't beheading people, but Bruce needs to know who he is, like yesterday.)

Silena says nothing but laughs at their confusion. Her kitten is having fun for the first time in years, and not even the bats are going to ruin that.

It works well, Damian helps Silena while he keeps his new life as a doctor without his family knowing his secret. He enjoys the adrenaline and sleeps better with some sort of outlet.

Then, all of the Batfamily are kidnapped.

Damian doesn't know how it happened or why he is the only one left to deal with it, but Silena called, and now he has to go rescue his idiots. Silena is with the sirens out of town, so Stray goes in solo. (he doesn't have time to find a robin suit.)

He finds his family tied up and mildly drugged in a large basement.

"Why are you here?!" Nightwing asks as he is untied.

"Because apparently you all are incapable of keeping yourselves out of trouble without my help!"

"We've never needed your help before?" Red Robin interjects, looking at him like a puzzle.

"Yes, take that tone! Agent A is waiting at the cave for you all, and God help me if any of you patrol again without me clearing you!"

"Wait-" Batman starts. "Damian!"

Every other bat looks at him in shock.

"No names in the suit, Father!"

All of the vigilantes start to talk over each other as Damian sighs. He has a shift in 5 hours and probably won't be able to sleep before it now.

Just as Damian has untied the last of his siblings, the door to the basement busts open to reveal a very serious looking Jon Kent. Tim had apparently activated the distress beacon.

Stray holds his face in his hand. "Bit late there, Superman." As he turns to a hovering Jon Kent.

"Damian?!" The Super gapes at him.

"No names in the suit, Hayseed!" Damian crosses his arms, his glare visible even if his scowl is hidden. Jon immediately turns bright red. Damians family look on in dread.

"I didn't know you even had a suit anymore!"

"It wasn't important!"

"Looks pretty important to me! What? Trade in the bird theme for... Are those cat ears??"

Damian glares harder. "They weren't my choice."

"Yeah, I got that. This is very different from your old Robin get-up." Jon looks him up and down. "Suits you, though."

Damian hopes his heartbeat doesn't give away how that comment affects him, but going by the smirk on Jons face, he already knows.

"NO!" Damians brothers shout from beside him.

"Stray, you are coming back to the cave." Batman orders

"But Father-"

"Now."

Damian really just wants to sleep, but his father isn't giving him a choice in the matter. He looks towards Jon and has a wonderful idea.

"Superman, I could use an evac." Jon takes a moment, smiles, and grabs the cat themed thief and flies them both away. They both ignore the other heroes yelling behind them.

After a few minutes of flying, Jon sets him down in the middle of a field.

"So you're Stray now?"

"I needed an outlet that didn't hurt people, Silena suggested it." Damian says while taking down his mask and hood. "Thank you for the escape."

Jon chuckles. "Anytime." He steps closer. "If you want to repay the favour, you could take me to dinner?" He flirts.

Damian raises a brow. "Really?"

"I'll even pay."

"How is that repayment?"

"Was thinking more of a date, actually?" Jon looks at his lips as he says this.

"The Cat Costume really does it for you, huh?" Damian teases.

"No, you do it for me. I've been trying to ask you out for ages, but seeing you in skintight leather is definitely a hell of a motivation."

Damian hums. "Tommorrow then, you can pick me up after my shift. If you let me sleep before I have to work in the morning"

"Deal."

His family eventually interrogate him about being Stray, but not before they find Jonathan Kent waiting for him with flowers and a kiss.

Instead of the life of crime route, Stan goes from his canon scammy products to ending up in Hollywood and becoming an actor. Maybe some agent spots his stupid ads, laughs their ass off and then goes 'hey, maybe there's something there' or maybe Stan himself goes to Hollywood because that's where the parties and babes are and auditions for stuff on a lark.

Either way, he starts actually landing roles. And first they aren't that big, and mostly comedic--he has a very over-the-top-personality, after all--but slowly he moves more into action movie land and starts becoming more of a known name. A known face. Doesn't land lead, exactly, but a prominent supporting role in the action blockbuster of the season.

Thus, Stanley Pines (or perhaps... Panley Stine) is a rising star.

A few hundred thousand miles away lives a very unhappy Ford Pines. His feelings on Stan making it and becoming a known actor are... complex (Part of him is relieved that Stan is doing well, part of him resents it, part of him feels validated for not standing up to their dad because Stan being kicked out helped Stan become famous in a way, part of him wishes he wasn't only seeing his brother on posters, so on, so forth) but he has one big problem:

Literally fucking everyone opens conversations with him with "Hey, you look like that one guy from the Extinguisher!" and even worse, no one ever believes him when he says that said actor is his twin brother. They tend to think he's lying as a joke or for attention.

So one day Stan receives a letter. It says "Stanley, please go back to the mustache. Everyone thinks I'm you otherwise. Yours, Ford. Ps. I told you that you should've joined the drama club."

Stan's damn well hacked off. Radio silence from his brother for a couple years at this point, and THIS is the first thing Ford has to say to him? The gall.

He keeps himself clean-shaven. He even starts wearing glasses like he's needed to for most of his life. Exactly the style of glasses Ford always wore, even.

Ford sends a second, even more terse letter.

Thus begins the most passive-aggressive communication between brothers possible, starting as letters and later turning into voicemails from Ford with legally dubious phone number-retrieving help from Fiddleford. Ford bitches about a recent choice Stan's made. Stan doubles-down and finds a new thing to piss him off with as well. Rinse and repeat.