The Riverdale Conspiracy

i’m sorry this is so much more than 5 to 10 movies i got carried away

child’s play franchise - literally any movie

ideally seed/bride or the tv show. i think it was @girlbossreggie​ who proposed a chicles bride of chucky au which would be perfect. alternatively i want jennifer tilly to guest star. it is not elaborated if she is playing herself or jennifer tilly as possessed by tiffany. a bound reference is obligatory and it has to be made clear that she hooked up with jugheads mum (this can be combined).

devil’s carnival

dream musical episode. works perfectly if they want to pick up the “war between heaven and hell” plot from rivervale again. even if hiram would have slayed as the devil part i know they can make it work now. i’ll even tolerate some fanservice and give choni the june/cora storyline (toni is june of course).

alternatively i’ll settle for a veronica & hermosa single musical performance of a song from repo! hermione can cover the third sibling part if needed because i remember marisol said she wanted to do a musical performance i know we can get her back for this.

saw/escape room/hostel

saw is of course the classic and my favourite. i want a bunch of the characters trapped in an insane torture maze. i love single location horror. i’m sure we can dig up a villain weird enough to do it if glee managed it. if they’re cowardly they can also reference the escape room movies instead since those are more mainstream and less gory. hostel would be hilarious if only for the insane worldbuilding implications but we could make it work. if they suddenly revealed the blossoms went on a summer trip to hunt people for sport every year i’d believe it.

rope (alternatively: swoon/compulsion/thrill me)

honestly any leopold & loeb adaptation would bang. i know they already riffed on funny games for the chicles wedding but rope is such a fun set-up it’s easy to replicate (AND classic cinema at that). could do it with a bunch of characters though of course a gay couple hosting is always funniest. but i wouldn’t even be mad if it’s barchie or veggie who killed a man and have to hide a body in a trunk while everyone else is at the house for a nice little party. not a movie but thrill me is my favourite reference option you all know my opinion on this. even if it would have fit better during earlier seasons i know we can make it work. if it’s a musical episode they’re obligated to give chicles at least one of the songs (superior? life plus 99 years? thrill me?)

gone girl

veronica realised hiram actually seduced/paid off the russian assassin and pulled off the exact plot of gone girl to fuck with her because he was mad she exiled him. ideally this is how hiram comes back on the show. funnier if hermosa was in on it.

malignant

jason is reborn as a tumor on cheryls brain that possesses her body and kills people. we have magic now might as well go balls to the wall insane i KNOW ras loved malignant i just know it. for another insane cheryl plot to run in the background: velvet buzzsaw. her paintings come to life and start killing people. her fursona painting needs to be prominently featured in this episode.

us

everyone is confronted with their rivervale counterparts (who are even more deranged now) who all realised they were stuck in a timeloop and broke out of the pocket universe to take their places in the main narrative. doppelganger fight to the death everyone gets to try and flex their acting muscles.

the purge

you KNOW this would slap. would have fit ideal for early season 5. archie comes back to riverdale ruled by hiram not knowing it’s purge day in 3 days. however given the vibes of percival pickens i’m confident he’d be down to institute a purge day we can still fit this in. can mash it up with some references to assassination nation since that’s basically teenage highly aestheticised camp purge movies with three times the plot so a natural fit for riverdale.

psycho goreman

an episode entirely dedicated to what jb has been up to during the timejump years. and the answer is she found a space rock that lets her control a giant violent alien monster. since its set during the timejump we don’t have to explain why the actress still looks so young.

the descent

alternate bottle episode: all the riverladies take a girls trip going caving in a secret passage cheryl discovered in the blossom mines. they get attacked by fucked up cave creatures and barely survive. maybe one of them dies and cheryl has to resurrect her with necromancy. none of this is ever referenced again.

hard

now that gay kevin is becoming a cop what better time to pull off “gay cop gets over his internalised homophobia while hunting a gay serial killer and hooking up with him” everyone watch this movie btw it’s criminally underrated. 90s messed up gay cinema for the win. on THAT note i don’t know how they would pull it off since i don’t think the network would let them so much as breathe the name of this movie but referencing frisk would be so fun. i would bet ras has read some dennis cooper and probably seen this film. and speaking of really messed up gay content it’s a huge shame we don’t have blue velvet video anymore and already did snuff films in season 4 because an underhanded playdurizm reference would be fun. that was such a movie. if anyone takes this as a rec list do NOT even look up summaries for frisk and playdurizm without a strong stomach.

also: not gay but talking of extreme horror if we’re folding rivervale back into this season’s narrative i want an explicit martyrs reference for archie. he doesn’t have to get like skinned or anything but the vibes were already there in 06x01

any david decoteau movie

riverdale already spends a large amount of time with hot men wandering out shirtless. it’s a natural fit and they’re gay culture. funniest option would be 1313: giant killer bees and it ends with cheryl showing up to save the day bringing back the fact that she can control bees with her mind apparently.

raw / excision

i want betty to eat people or take them apart surgically. just let her do some fucked up violence. really get into it. alternatively a Came Back Wrong plot about archie and bettys new superpowers turning into something more malevolent and giving us a jennifers body/all cheerleaders die type plot. archie already gets a bunch of female abuse victim coded plots he can fit into this. however girl homoeroticism is still obligatory. let’s say beronica to make up for their lack of interaction since the timejump. (honorary mention for beronica thoroughbreds scheme. don’t know how to pull this off with hiram gone but you will always be famous)

orphan

one of the couples (through gritted teeth i guess barchie) decides to adopt and the exact plot of the movie plays out except the audience is not surprised the child turns out to be a 30 year old serial killer in the end because she’s also played by one of the hot young adult cw actors in pigtails but through the whole episode no one acknowledges that.

nine lives

Now this looks interesting. “Look what the black cat dragged in.”