Kairos

Cue a ton of jewelry.

Necklaces, bracelets, rings, waist chains, chest chains, earrings, you name it it’s being made. Erdians dress up for important things and finding your forever mate is a very important moment. So Adrian asked the pebbles of Grace’s class to help make some jewelry. They get to practice their building and make Mr. Grace happy. It’s a win-win for them.

If it wasn’t for the fact that Simon is supposed to wear nothing but the jewelry.

He had to explain to Adrian that he wasn’t comfortable walking around naked so at the very least he can wear a cloth around his waist. Adrian would very much like to not see that so yes he can wear the cloth, in fact I never want to see either one of y’all naked.

So they’re on the beach as Adrian tells Simon how to put on each piece of jewelry that the pebbles hand him while Rocky keeps Grace distracted in the house. It’s all going well until an earring slips from Simon’s hand and gets swept up by a wave. The pebble that made it, gonna call her Sweet Potato, freaks out and immediately runs into the ocean to grab her best creation yet.

Cue Simon and Adrian freaking out.

Eridians can’t swim, they’re literally rocks, but most don’t know that cause they’ve never seen water let alone an ocean before. So Simon immediately runs into the waves, scrambling to grab Sweet Potato so she doesn’t sink to the bottom of the ocean. Rocky thinks that it’s time and brings out Grace right as Simon wades out of the water absolutely soaked while cradling Sweet Potato to his chest.

He’s not mad, just telling her that she can always make a new earring to replace the lost one but that they can’t make another Sweet Potato. He’s checking over her before explaining to her and the rest of the pebbles that the ocean is pretty dangerous for them since they will sink to the bottom. Adrian and Rocky are a bit upset cause they think the whole mating process was ruined, Simon is soaked to the bone, and they’ll have to schedule it for another time.

Grace has never been more flustered and turned on in his life.

Simon is standing there, water dripping down his body that was covered in jewelry sparkling in the setting sun. He was cradling Sweet Potato so tenderly while gently correcting her and the rest of the pebbles. And that cloth on his waist.

Goodness that cloth was fighting for its very existence to stay up.

Rocky hears Grace’s heart speed up and sees heat blooming on the human’s face. He glances back at Simon and back to Grace before doing a little victory dance.

I will travel far beyond the path of reason

The nutritionist takes one look at his face and suggests he talk to the team doctors because this man has obviously spent the entire time since his desensitized girlfriend left on WEB MD looking up scary scary allergy information and needs someone to walk him through that allergy printout before the poor boy combusts. That meeting starts with Ilya invading the doctor's office, throwing the spreadsheet at their face and follows with a baffled doctor asking if his girlfriend is the most zen person ever or just doesn't fear death?

It takes Ilya several weeks to get over the fact that the only thing in the world Shane can be considered too chill about is the thing that can kill him (he's vindicated that it's not even his opinion, but the opinion of medical professionals)

GOD the idea of ilya having to come up with his cover story because he does need them to know the allergies aren't his but ARE present enough that his food HAS to be safe. and someone (playfully) is like?? oh?? one of your girls serious enough to worry about this??? and ilya is just...yes. yeah for sure. definitely that. she is over very often and i need food that will not kill her by proximity (visibly stressed about this and thus gently nudged towards the doctor's offices).

and this is medical-adjacent information, so the staff wouldn't tell anyone, but maybe the guys are over at ilya's house and see??? his mealpreps marked with allergy tags?? ilya, what??? you have allergies now?? dude we've seen you eat peanuts at bars what's up???

Then, maybe one day hollonav get to the point where Ilya is resigned (aka understands it is Shane's choice to make) to The Mangoes, so it's the end of the season and it's Shane's Illegal Mango Time and Ilya (huffing and sighing and whining) presents Shane with a batch of precut, pre-tasted mangoes that Ilya visited like 3 separate stores to get. There are 3 in the tupperware versus the like 15 that Ilya bought to try, ranked for sweetness and juiciness etc etc. They are hands-down the best mangoes Shane has had in his entire life. This ranks amongst top 5 most romantic things Ilya has ever done for him. Ilya remains bewildered that he is getting kissed and thanked and blown because he is aiding and abetting Shane willingly poisoning himself every once in a while.

HI HELLO PLS HAVE FICLET BECAUSE I WAS INSPIRED BY WHAT IS INDEED THE MOST ROMANTIC GESTURE OF ALL TIME

Having his entire life implode around him has meant a variety of changes and plans and contingencies and conversations and contracts and discussions. 

It has also meant reducing this year’s Mango Time to only one week to fit within all of his other obligations. 

Naturally, because apparently it’s the theme of the entire fucking year, it also has to go badly. He had allotted himself three mangoes for the first day, but he’d ended up going through six in his increasing desperation to just find one fucking good one. 

He hadn’t succeeded. 

a few ways this could happen, but chiefly of which i imagined: injury scenario, quite possibly the concussion from cliff. shane drugged up and loopy when ilya visits him in the hospital waxing poetic abt how ilya is so nice and shane loves how he always has mangos for him because no one ELSE lets him have mangos (big pouty shane face here). and ilya is like. why does no one let you have mangos shane. and loopy filterless shane is just like oh yeah because im allergic! not BAD allergic but my mouth gets tingly and kind of burny for a while and sometimes i get hives. but its worth itttttt. and ilya TRAUMATIZED is like no it is NOT WORTH IT. i have been poisoning you??? for Months????? he is SO betrayed. this could also happen later, not during the concussion, but during some other injury incident during the post-cottage pre-tlg gap, where ilya is caring for a loopy shane for whatever reason and the secret gets out-- which draws out the length of time ilya has been spoiling shane with mangoes AND thus increases the level of betrayal/guilt on ilya's part.

option three is that it comes out during Dinner With Mama And Papa Hollander during their time at the cottage... not that first meal maybe but the dinner the next day. like, as a fun anecdote yuna and david bring up shane's allergy to mangos and how it was DETRIMENTAL as a kid because he loved them so much it took them so long to realize he was allergic, and even after he'd always find ways to run off to get his mango fix, haha ... wait ilya whats wrong why arent you laughing. meanwhile shane (whose attempts to shut his parents up with increasingly wide eyed Looks all failed) is thousand-yard-staring like a dog who got into the pantry and ilya is just LOOKING AT HIM. like. shane. shane is there something you would like to tell me. were you ever GOING to tell me. or were you just going to let me KEEP POISONING YOU for the REST OF OUR LIVES . look at me shane LOOK INTO MY EYES. and he's just having a whole crisis realizing he was made an unwilling agent in shane's mango-eating agenda... (though there is A bonus point in the form of: ilya's EXTREME distress over accidentally poisoning his situationship-boyfriend-soulmate endear him very much to yuna and david. shane's going "its a really mild allergy ilya its fine!" and ilya, going through the five stages of grief preemptively, is half-yelling back at him "WELL IT MAY NOT STAY MILD IF YOU KEEP FUCKING EATING THEM. YOU KNOW HOW ALLERGIES WORK SHANE YOU HAVE MANY OTHERS WHY DO YOU DO THIS" and yuna and david are like oh .... he Loves Him... our baby's in good hands ❤️)

anyways i hope u enjoy this humble contribution to the shallergies posting 🙇

oh my GOD

it's an attempted playful callback to the vodka being his reward in vegas, and shane is a little more honest by this point and is just *makes a face before he can stop it* make it something i actually want.

and ilya still trying to be playful is just "oh? and what do you want, hollander?" and HE'S kind of playing at going for a round 2, but shane is blissed out and is honest anyway so just *wistful sigh*

"mango"

and ilya obviously is fucking delighted because this is so Classic Hollander. he's going for sex and hollander?? is thinking of mangoes?? okay, you bizarre person. ilya must have you carnally once more.

and the next time they meet up, ilya has remembered this and is being playful when he offers up a mango (100% just playing it like a bit), but shane is genuinely visibly delighted before he can stop himself. he doesn't buy them for himself because obvi he knows they're bad for him

...but...if he didn't buy it...it would be rude...to NOT eat it... :) oh no :) guess he has to eat this mango :)

BUT it continues being a joke that shane only gets his mango after sex, WHICH MEANS! ILYA HAS NEVER BEEN AROUND FOR THE AFTER OF SHANE EXPERIENCING A REACTION TO THIS GAME. HE DOESN'T KNOW.

and shane like. logically knows he should probably say something, but atp it would feel awkward being like, "soooo by the way, i'm allergic to this so you should probably like. stop." and he also doesn't want to risk being rude/making ilya stop wanting to be playful with him or seeing him because he made it weird. and he's SO disciplined all the time. ALL THE TIME. he is SO disciplined.

buuuuut if he's already indulging in this with rozanov...really...what's being a little itchy for a day or so with a rare mango treat. it's not like they meet up THAT often. and this is for SURE the last time so it doesn't matter. it's for SURE the last time. NO more. for SURE no more. last fuck last mango.

...for SURE.

.........after the NEXT one-

and by the time they get to the cottage, like. shane knows he's going to have to tell him. but there's priorities above and beyond The Sex Mangoes between them, and ilya had to cross an international border so it's not like he brought any with him, and shane obviously doesn't have any in the cottage. so like. that can be a Later conversation.

...except for the fact where they're talking to yuna and david about them as a couple and ilya says something offhand to a question about their relationship to the effect of, "just mango by mango" meaning it to be like. playful and sweet and nudge nudge at them having a cutesy couple thing.

but shane who can FEEL both of his parents look to him sharply is just

no no get back here let's play mango metaphors

because the mango is a source of pleasure, but it's complicated by the impact it has on shane afterwards, but this isn't an impact that ilya sees or shane shares (something that goes both ways for them tbh) (god forbid they talk about their feelings). and shane tells himself over and over that he should stop. and he will stop. but he can do it just one more time because what's one more.

and maybe it turns out that shane can eat it if it's peeled and rinsed or if it's cooked, but this isn't something they discover until they've actually talked to each other, and ilya decides to make it a mission to find a way for shane to enjoy something he loves so much. because all it took was them going, "maybe it doesn't have to be the way it has been." shane's self-denial was based on the wholesale judgement of "this thing is bad for me" without any real examination of the issue beyond that.

the idea of shane who denies himself SO MUCH and optimizes SO MUCH OF HIS LIFE and is SO focused and SO dedicated

but who cannot resist the siren call of Forbidden Mangoes

it ends up being his end of season treat

he did a whole season, he did a great job, he stayed focused and On It the whole year. other people celebrate with champagne. shane celebrates with an allergen.

shane who has one last photoshoot to knock out before he's free and is just oh no :) it conflicts with my husband's schedule :) guess that means ilya can't go with me :) so sad :)

why are you so happy

i'm not :)

then he does the photoshoot and has knocked out the last thing he has to do in front of a camera for a while.

now it is Mango Time.

he facetimes ilya with the lights down WAY low later and ilya just ?? shane??? i can barely see you, malysh. turn a light on.

uuuhh, no thanks. it's sexier like this.

what? i want to se-

...

shane is it the fucking mangoes

...no

SHANE

YOU GET TO SMOKE SOMETIMES. I GET TO EAT MANGOES.

ARE YOU FORGETTING PART WHERE ALLERGIES CAN GET WORSE WITH EXPOSURE?

THEN I SHOULD ENJOY THEM WHILE I CAN

And then they win the cup together, for the first time.

They've won and carried the cup and the loved ones have entered the locker room and everyone has been drinking out of the cup already, everyone at least tipsy if not completely drunk, sogging wet from champagne and beer and what else, and it's time for the the media to do their round of questions! Not a whole interview, of course, but some quick questions to get the winners fresh reaction and capture that victorious feeling, you know?

And they're happy, they're in love, they won their first cup together just now, they're tipsy and everything is lovely and wonderful! And Shane feels so fucking proud. Of Ilya, of his team, of himself. He's so proud of himself. He adapted to his new team and truly contributed to this win, especially the last two rounds of the playoffs where they did a series and a half with Ilya playing with bruised ribs, and Shane's line had to pick up the slack and increase their already long ice time minutes... Shane is proud. Shane feels like he truly earned this. He earned this happiness and the wonderful summer he's about to have. He earned anything and everything he might want.

And then the media comes and the questions come and Shane's so fucking happy and thirsty and hot, and it's summer and they've been playing this last series against LA, six games and three of them in hot California.

And they ask "Hollander, you just won, what's the first thing you're gonna do?"

And he says "I'm gonna eat some mangoes"

And Ilya is answering his own set of questions a few feet to the right but he heard him, and he turns on his feet so fast he almost looses his balance and screams "YOU WILL NOT"

And the reporter who asked the question in the first place was already confused, all of them were, really, because eating mangoes? That's the first thing he would do? What kind of celebration is that? But then Rozanov is making that angry sound and Hollander responds with a very, very offended face and what is this about, that's juicy, so they all shut up and let them bicker.

And Shane goes, mullishly "I will eat as many mangoes as I want!"

"Absolutely not! Why are you like this? It's not good for you!"

"Neither is smoking, neither is alcohol, or the absolute trash junk food you have all the time!"

"I quit smoking! And I'm not allergic to fucking McGriddles"

"But I'm sure is worse! You have them all the time! I can have mangoes one time! I just won the cup!"

"Allergies get worse with exposure Shane, you CAN'T have mangoes one time! It's a bad idea!"

"YOU WERE A BAD IDEA"

"What thE FUCK DO YOU-"

"I KNOW I'M ALLERGIC TO MANGOES. I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS ALLERGIC TO MANGOES. IF I WASN'T THE PERSON WHO KNEW MANGOES WERE BAD FOR ME AND ATE THEM ANYWAYS I WOULDN'T BE THE ONE WHO SLEPT WITH YOU AT NINETEEN"

"Shane, lyubimyy, are you comparing ME TO MANGOES?"

"Yes!"

"They are bad for you!"

"Well I still love them! And you! TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT"

the idea of shane who denies himself SO MUCH and optimizes SO MUCH OF HIS LIFE and is SO focused and SO dedicated

but who cannot resist the siren call of Forbidden Mangoes

it ends up being his end of season treat

he did a whole season, he did a great job, he stayed focused and On It the whole year. other people celebrate with champagne. shane celebrates with an allergen.

shane who has one last photoshoot to knock out before he's free and is just oh no :) it conflicts with my husband's schedule :) guess that means ilya can't go with me :) so sad :)

why are you so happy

i'm not :)

then he does the photoshoot and has knocked out the last thing he has to do in front of a camera for a while.

now it is Mango Time.

he facetimes ilya with the lights down WAY low later and ilya just ?? shane??? i can barely see you, malysh. turn a light on.

uuuhh, no thanks. it's sexier like this.

what? i want to se-

...

shane is it the fucking mangoes

...no

SHANE

YOU GET TO SMOKE SOMETIMES. I GET TO EAT MANGOES.

ARE YOU FORGETTING PART WHERE ALLERGIES CAN GET WORSE WITH EXPOSURE?

THEN I SHOULD ENJOY THEM WHILE I CAN

the idea of shane who denies himself SO MUCH and optimizes SO MUCH OF HIS LIFE and is SO focused and SO dedicated

but who cannot resist the siren call of Forbidden Mangoes

it ends up being his end of season treat

he did a whole season, he did a great job, he stayed focused and On It the whole year. other people celebrate with champagne. shane celebrates with an allergen.

shane who has one last photoshoot to knock out before he's free and is just oh no :) it conflicts with my husband's schedule :) guess that means ilya can't go with me :) so sad :)

why are you so happy

i'm not :)

then he does the photoshoot and has knocked out the last thing he has to do in front of a camera for a while.

now it is Mango Time.

he facetimes ilya with the lights down WAY low later and ilya just ?? shane??? i can barely see you, malysh. turn a light on.

uuuhh, no thanks. it's sexier like this.

what? i want to se-

...

shane is it the fucking mangoes

...no

SHANE

YOU GET TO SMOKE SOMETIMES. I GET TO EAT MANGOES.

ARE YOU FORGETTING PART WHERE ALLERGIES CAN GET WORSE WITH EXPOSURE?

THEN I SHOULD ENJOY THEM WHILE I CAN

and ilya wanders over and joins the conversation and starts?? recommending?? blogs??? "nut free natalie has really good plain vanilla. it does go kind of flat, though, i think because of sea level? but if you add 1/2 tsp more baking soda and-"

and the WAGs are all??? since when??? does roz know this??? and word gets around because he is a good captain and checks in on the family and ends up chit chatting about allergies and making suggestions based on what he's been researching since he's had a few months of this now and everyone is??? d-does roz?? have allergies? no?? they've SEEN HIM eating this stuff???

and then he moves to ottawa and someone has a (wildly incorrect lmao) lightbulb moment of "oh my GOD!!! ROZANOV HAS A KID WITH ALLERGIES!" they know about montreal jane and figured he was moving up to ottawa to be closer to her anyway, and a kid being in the picture (especially a kid who might have medical needs a la food allergies) would absolutely make sense for him suddenly moving up there after years. and some of the team is a little hurt he wouldn't say anything, but he does get some ruthless press and jane seems really private so maybe?? it's her request???

and naturally gossip flows a little to the point that it makes it to the ottawa team, and i mean? yeah? makes sense? roz is so rigorous about allergies and keeping his place allergy free? maybe the kid and jane come on the weekends or something?? or maybe it's like a week on week off situation??

and eventually shane is down in boston playing and a member of montreal is friends with someone on boston, so the gossip gets passed along that roz left boston to move up to ottawa to be with jane and their kid. and NATURALLY this becomes THE topic in the locker room that evening afterwards. and shane coming back from press hears this and is??? what?? the fuck are you talking about???

"yeah, it's what smythe on the boston team said. apparently roz moved up because their kid is sick or something?? no one's sure."

shane that night texts ilya, "apparently?? we have a kid together??"

“Is it just peanuts, or also tree nuts or legumes?”

“You — what do you mean you don’t know? You need to know! Is not eight-year-old’s job to worry if you will poison him. Go find out and I tell you what shake you will have.”

And Ilya is so intense about it, but when the player texts his girlfriend to check for any other allergy-triggers he gets so many points with her for caring and actually trying to learn more.

he and ilya are hanging out in the yard and some bees are buzzing around because some watermelon juice spilled on the ground earlier and shane suggests they go inside or rinse the juice off the patio and ilya teases him about being scared of little bees and shane SO nonchalantly just, "no, but i am allergic and you don't know where my epipen is"

and ilya

reblogging with my own tags because i'm also CACKLING imagining the implications of this not being specific to ilya, either. they're having a barbeque at hayden and jackie's house and hayden is good-naturedly encouraging shane to try a piece of coffee cake or something and ilya just goes, "no, bad for you"

and hayden IMMEDIATELY is on the defensive because what? you get to tell him what to eat now? where do you get o-

"no, bad for him because it has walnuts in it, pike. you want him to die? this is what you want?"

"what are you talking about?"

shane: "i'm allergic"

"??? since WHEN??"

"since always??"

"you've eaten over at my house HOW many times?? and never brought this up? the fuck, dude?"

"jackie knows"

the idea of ilya on instagram accidentally pressing like while DEEP in allergy mommy blogging territory and natalie from That Allergy Mama DMing him to be like "hi, my husband wants me to tell you he says hi and that he's a big fan and also that call against you against san francisco was bullshit." "hello, husband of natalie. also do you have any suggestions for substituting peanuts in this recipe?"

he gets filmed for a what i eat in a day/day in the life type video and is so used to thinking about substitutes at this point that he doesn't even think about it when he mentions them in passing. they keep an allergy friendly household so the stuff he mentions is compliant, but it's paired with comments like, "and then i add some wowbutter, which is soybeans and not peanuts. we also sometimes have sunflower seed butter, but the texture for this is better with the wowbutter. i have also tried this, what is it called-shane: the gross paste with beans" *shane, offscreen from the living room*: "chickpea butter?" "yes, this." "it's nasty" "yes, not good. their jar says it is, but it is not. anyway-"

A. the idea of ilya being lowkey stressed about shane surprising him and potentially being exposed to allergens is so fucking funny. ilya who ends up also keeping an allergy-friendly household PURELY because it's just less stressful that way. meanwhile the motherfucker WITH the allergies is SO fucking casual about it that it wouldn't even occur to him to ask ilya to do that.

B. when they're pushing the friendship cover, ilya gets nudge nudge jokes about trying to copy what hollander's doing, and he's not going to share information shane didn't greenlight to get out, so he just plays along. and now there's like. at least three other players lowkey accidentally following an allergy diet because they don't know it's an allergy diet. why do hollander and now rozanov not eat tree nuts? unclear, but they're also the best two players in the entire industry so it's worth a shot to copy them.

@lucky-santangelo ilya only getting five seconds of feeling smug and holier than thou before shane puts him on blast is KILLING me XD

shane groaning SO loud when ilya first breaks out the allergy cards because GOD ilya it's NOT that serious this is embarass-

oh? is this more or less embarassing than having allergic reaction in the middle of a restaurant and needing your epipen? hm? shut up and take the fucking shiny cards, hollander.

and riFUCKINGp to the restaurant that lied about not using peanut oil in their fryer as an angry, stressed ilya is stuck in a hospital lobby with wifi and a lot of energy that has nowhere to go until he's allowed to be back with his husband. you're DONE FOR.

GOD the psychic damage ilya takes the day he finds out body products can have allergens in them. his body wash company is getting a SCATHING email about fucking around with their formula when there are PEOPLE with ALLERGIES who RELY ON-

shane growing up who always got, "oh, you poor thing" from well-intentioned adults as a kid and then, "damn, i could NEVER live like that" from same-age peers when older whenever he had to explain his allergies, and it was both annoying and also felt like failing at something when he had to decline a piece of birthday cake or a slice of pizza because it wasn't safe for him.

but if he frames it as a performance diet, then suddenly! admiration! he gets some teasing obviously, but there's also an air of "good for you, man" that lands a lot easier than pity.

@riddlemaster101

i feel like shane would reliably tell medical people because this is a Rule for medical settings so yes of course he'll go into detail

David spots them at the cottage and they go over, Shane's cottage is obviously allergen free and the shopping he did is all safe for him. Yuna and David know to cook safely, the chicken parm is all good and fine but they say "the croutons aren't safe for you, but you don't like those anyway" just in passing as a matter of habit and Ilya who JUST learned about bananas and latex and bees is like "oh wow! More allergies?? I need a list. Haha" and then they have the meal and the panic attack and they become boyfriends. Before they leave Yuna makes him a copy of her list of all the known allergens and Shane's common reactions to them, it's the first time he hugs her. He looks her in the eye and says "thank you for letting me take care of him. I will be careful."

It's a relief, to know he cares to try. But at the end of the day they JUST met this man. So they cross their fingers and try not to feel the same way they did every time Shane went to somebody's house for a birthday party or a sleepover.

And then they are over at the cottage some night and they decide to order in for dinner. Ilya takes everybody's orders and goes to the kitchen to call it in for them and it's taking *forever* so Yuna goes to see if he needs any help. She finds him sitting with two copies of the list, hers and one translated into Russian for his easy reference. He has the phone on speaker and says "thank you for checking the dressing ingredients, I know is weird request, but sometimes Caesar dressing is safe, sometimes not safe, but he likes it so much is worth checking. Yes, I'll hold again."

They've ordered from this place a dozen times, their recipe for Caesar dressing is safe, YUNA knows that, SHANE knows that, that's why he ordered it. But *Ilya* doesn't. So he's checking. Because Shane wants the dressing and Ilya want him *safe* and *happy*. And isn't that all a parent wants? For their kid to be with someone who is just as invested in their happiness and safety as they are? For somebody who will wait on hold while they check the fry oil and the dressing ingredients and whatever else?

also cackling about the idea of ilya using the group chat with them to be mad about brands changing their ingredients so things that were SAFE are now NOT 😤 it started just as a "hey, those crackers aren't safe anymore" as a collective fyi thing, but it ends up being ilya just mad about safe things not being safe anymore

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

melissa barging into ottawa's offices and just handing over a contract for her employment.

"um, excuse me, ma'am, who ar-"

"i have kept shane hollander alive and fed his for almost his entire nhl career, and i have invested too much time to stop now."

"but ma'am, we-"

"no more questions. sign."

obviously she's a dietician with a specialty in athletes which means the primary concerns of her patients are 1. need All The Fucking Calories and 2. need All The Fucking Protein, but in my heart, she is the flavor of dietician who focuses also on enjoyment and satiety (fun fact: you actually digest food better and get more nutrition out of food you like eating). like you're going to eventually get sick of how much you have to eat by the time you're 3/4 of the way through the season, but by GOD WILL SHE TRY TO MAKE THINGS ENJOYABLE AS LONG AS SHE CAN.

so she meets 20 year old shane who already comes into this meeting apologetic because he KNOWS this is all specific and it's a pain to have aversions when he already has allergies to work around, so he doesn't mind a lot of repetition when-

and melissa is just ✋ i did not put in the work to get this degree only to suck at this job. let's talk texture preferences.

shane the day melissa finds out her dietetic magnum opus is out here RECREATIONALLY POISONING HIMSELF like she doesn't have a fucking DOSSIER on his ass crafted over YEARS of trial and error and research and innovation

SHE HAND-SELECTS MENUS BASED ON HOW STRESSED YOU ARE AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN THE SEASON AND BASED ON THE WIN/LOSS BALANCE OF THE TEAM BECAUSE ANXIETY MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS SO YOU NEED ADJUSTED FLAVOR PROFILES AND THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF HER DIRECT SUPERVISION, YOU FUCK AROUND????

my tags and then @meghan-maria's tags because i have received wisdom from the great beyond that shane was SO apologetic and so ready to just take whatever melissa picked for him that she actively has him report back on the meals with what he thinks about them and if he liked them or not and what he would want to change because she wants to encourage healthy ideas about food and being able to enjoy them and not having to apologize for "melissa, please don't make me eat quinoa the texture is Bad melissa i am so tired of quinoa", WHICH MEANS.

shane has a snapchat that is ONLY to send melissa his meals and thoughts. she is the only person he has on there. he sends them to her daily with his thoughts after he eats his mealpreps and snacks.

but this ALSO means that when he gets drunk, brain is still going "gotta tell melissa". and i am CACKLING at the idea of shane out with the team after the first cup win sending a fucking. BARELY in frame, very blurry because he can't hold the phone still, can barely hear him over the noise of the bar video on snapchat that's just, "mmmm so. oh, hi melissa! it's shane. ummmm so there's fries, which are potatoes, so one of the highest satiety factors but fried so ummm i don't know. also there's mushrooms" *the fastest and blurriest camera pan of all time that maybe showed fried mushrooms and maybe didn't because there is truly no way to tell* "but umm. gross. i had a sandwich. it was-hayden what was the sandwich?" *equally drunk hayden making this video even more motion sickness to watch as he grabs shane and shakes him a little bit* "it was FUCKING DELICIOUS, BUDDY. that's what it was!" "no, hayd! this is for melissa. i have to tell her." (he does not. shane, baby, the season is over and this is you eating bar food). "oh, it was chicken and something." "melissa, it was chicken and something. and it had avocado so bad, but i got cheese. fat with protein. okay bye. oh also salad. because fiber, and, um, micronutrients. okay bye."

melissa saves it and it is her favorite thing to watch on hard days when she needs to laugh.

and melissa has been SO proud of shane's development over time. because he did come in with some behaviors that were a little concerning, and through dedication and being That Fucking Good at her job, they've really managed together to find a good balance for shane between feeling like he is adaquately fueling himself for peak performance but also ENJOYING food. this supports his nutritional requirements AND it's tasty. he can have both things! it's okay to like your food! it doesn't have to be penance!

and i am imagining melissa's heart hurting so much watching shane sloooowly falling victim to not expressing preferences because everything feels bad right now and restriction over food and being able to muscle through makes him feel like he has control over something. and he's hitting macros and calories and on paper is eating Fine. but he's not enjoying it. his snapchats and texts are now questions about protein and bioavailability and supplements and not, "was this the same sauce as the one last month?? it tasted really good." or "the texture of the chicken was weird when it was cooked like that. can we change it? i liked when it was cut really thin in last week's grain bowl."

and like. what can she do? she can offer choices and lean on the information she's gathered from years of working with him, but she doesn't have control over the team or management. she can make her office a safe space for him to be in, but the second he's out that door, she can't do anything. and he's her client, yes, but she's gotten very fond of him over their years together and getting to watch his life get better because of working with her, and now he's hurting and restricting himself and there's nothing she can do about it because this team has become bad for him.

and now i am thinking about what a difference it would make if melissa took him aside towards the end of the season to have a very genuine conversation of, "i know this isn't my place on this team and i'd probably get fired for saying it, but you aren't happy here, shane, and if you need to go somewhere else where you can be happy and healthy, i think you should consider making that choice."

and shane has to admit to this VERY deep and personal relationship with melissa (SIGNIFICANTLY: DOESN'T SAY HER JOB. JUST SAYS "oh, melissa likes to make sure i'm eating okay on the road" BECAUSE DOESN'T THINK TO CLARIFY WHO MELISSA IS. SHE'S MELISSA.) and ilya is lowkey highkey very jealous about it (ilya ffs), so we get a microdose of the rose jealousy that in this soft little bubble makes ilya want to dibs shane because HE isn't getting snapchats of what shane is eating all day. someone else?? has something with shane that he doesn't??? unac-fucking-ceptable.

so ilya kicks this bf rp up to fucking ELEVEN, and shane gets put at ease because melissa's response is, "oooh, tasty! looks like those are the good pickles, too!" so now melissa has cosigned at least one element of today, so it feels a little more comfortable. and like. he knows that contacting his dietician so often is probably Not Normal, but ilya?? doesn't make fun of him for it?? not genuinely at least?? (again: ILYA DOES NOT KNOW SHE IS A DIETICIAN. HE THINKS MELISSA IS A GIRL SHANE IS TALKING TO ENOUGH THAT SHE GETS SNAPCHATS ABOUT WHAT HE'S EATING EVEN *AT ILYA'S HOUSE*.) at dinner, he even pushes shane's plate towards him at a better angle with, "melissa will want to know this also?"

and what ILYA thinks he's doing is staking a claim against melissa. yeah, sure, you get pictures of what shane is eating. but ilya is MAKING what shane is eating. en garde, harlot. 🖕

and also!! because of when this happened!! ilya doesn't ask the you like girls question because the answer would appear to be YES. what he asks instead is, "you message melissa often?" because again! HE thinks this is someone shane is potentially seeing!

and shane (WHO THINKS HE'S JUST ANSWERING ABOUT HIS DIETICIAN) answers, "yeah, pretty often. she says she likes it, though. she gets worried when i DON'T message her a few times a day haha. she's really nice."

and ilya is fucking SEETHING with jealousy. in his home!!! texting a woman!!! outrageous!!!

but also the nudge he needs to try and push for a little bit more with shane because oh!! this feels bad!!! the potential of someone taking him feels bad!!! and it's a little scary but today has been SO fucking nice. so ilya just wants a LITTLE claim! a little assurance that shane won't up and ghost him one day for fucking MELISSA.

so that night (because again! no talk that ended in the first names meltdown!), they're in bed and it's dark and ilya SO casually guys. SO casual. he's SO casual y'all. is just, "this is nice, yes?" and for shane?? yeah, actually. he did have to bring up his allergies because melissa noticed he's in someone's house and was curious so he said he was at a friend's, and melissa saw something in the background and was like, "did you let them know that almond butter better stay WELL away from anything for you?" which prompted shane into "hmmmmmm better mention this big thing for the first time in years", and then ilya?? was so nice about it?? scolded him for not saying something but in a way that was obviously not actually mad at him but then put allergens away?? and also is so cool about shane's maybe-dependent relationship with his dietician??

and it's a reminder that ilya is a place where it's safe for him to be a little off and not perfect and it's actually really nice to be with him like this. he hadn't know if it would be until it happened, but today?? was pretty great??

so when ilya asks if shane would like to do this more often, his answer is yes.

i see this and raise you: melissa ends up accidentally being the first person in the world to know about hollanov because ilya after he decides on Time To Get Fucking Serious starts researching allergies because melissa (the ENEMY) might get pictures of shane's food, but ilya will MAKE food. he is WINNING this fight.

and in the course of researching allergies, he gets in his own head about allergen contamination and the fact that allergens can cause reactions in semen if someone is sensitive enough, so he goes to HIS team's nutrition department to ask questions and adjust his meals to be allergy-friendly with the excuse of an allergic girl he's seeing a lot, and the dietician on the team is ?? wow?? that's a lot of restrictions. hmmmm. and then has a lightbulb moment of "oh! doesn't melissa over on montreal's team do a lot of work with allergies?? she gave a presentation at a conference a couple of years ago. let me send her an email."

and listen! melissa fucking LOVES allergies and adjustments. there's a limit to how much she'll do for a rival team, but yeah, she can at least point you in the right direction for the sake of not accidentally killing whatever poor woman thinks she's going to lock down infamous womanizer ilya rozanov. go ahead and send over her-

...huh. this list looks. Pretty Fucking Familiar.

GOD ilya manages to track down A Melissa through the grapevine because whispers on the team are that shane is in love with a melissa who's on staff, so he narrows it down to the three melissas and because of his impeccable gaydar dismisses registered dietician melissa because Oh For Sure Not Into Men, which leaves communications office melissa and legal department melissa. through stalking instagram for an amount of time he will NEVER admit to, he decides that communications office melissa is faithful to her boyfriend who pops up on her story regularly, but legal department melissa appears SUSPICIOUSLY single. also! has multiple pictures on her instagram of meals at restaurants!! the harlot!! he found her!! she's got a thing for food! it all makes sense! (ilya, for the love of god).

Here is a (somewhat) tutorial i made, hopefully it can be of help to any of you

tbh idk what im doing 90% of the time this was really hard to make

Tut below!