i failed

I think Gwaine, maybe even subconsciously, is pushing away those who he thinks won’t deem him worthy of care by using his carefree attitude as the thing to be pointed and laughed at instead of his real self. Something to put distance between those who would make fun of him and his true self so he wouldn't have to actually deal with the fall out of people finding him annoying.

Only after Merlin had proven that he was never going to laugh at him in any way but when he was already laughing at himself, did Gwaine start opening up to him. Merlin had proven to be a safe person to Gwaine, (as Gwaine had proven to be for Merlin but that's a story for another time) and so we get the slow dribble of sadness that infects Gwaine's life more than he could say only through those moments when they are alone.

And after that he actively asks Merlin to give him more responsibilities. He comes every time Merlin asks him too, despite whatever is happening in his own life, he goes to Merlin when he knows he is upset and waits in the quiet without making a sound, and tells him 'I'm here for you, please let me be here for you.'

He never goes back on that. He never pushes too hard, but he is always ready when Merlin calls. He deems himself responsible for Merlin's safety and he never wavers on that.

Merlin shows him what it is to hold something above yourself. To be a person who would devote your life to a cause bigger than you.

And well, when Gwaine's with the group of the knights and Arthur, they had already shown him they would do the exact opposite and proven that they couldn't even be trusted with the smallest piece of himself without having them point and laugh. So of course he would retreat into a persona. That way he can have that excuse to point at when it does start to hurt.

"Oh, they're not laughing at you, they're laughing at who you pretend to be."

And so you get this character that seems like he's shallow and one noted, have these hugely emotional beats with Merlin. You see how their closeness is careful and soft and quiet instead of the loud, rambunctious, messes they both pretend to be for both of their safety.

"this blond bisexual himbo may be doomed by the narrative regardless of the actions he takes but at least he looks sexy doing it. also his compelling yaoi with merlin"