RIRI ☆ Riri

Bunny Iglesias

Kainess(kaiser x ness) —> angst, suicide, attachment issues, unrequited love, is*gi

"Get off of me already, Ness." Kaiser spat shrugging Ness' arm off of his shoulder. Ness blinked and stepped slightly black, meeting Kaiser's glare with his stupid frog-like smile. "Sorry, sorry," Ness began, "But that goal was amazing, Kaiser! Seriously, do you never feel good about them?" He laughed awkwardly.

"Of course I do...But that doesn't mean you have to be all over me for it." Kaiser looked disgusted, though Ness couldn't see that from the angle which he was stood. "Oh well-" "Just shut up, Ness. I'm going to go shower." Kaiser snapped abruptly.

Ness stood as if he was lost, watching Kaiser walk off into the Bastard München bathrooms. He wanted to go behind him, atleast enquire what was wrong with him. But it was oh so clear Kaiser didn't want to be bothered. Such a bittersweet feeling for Ness, really, a sour taste back into the past.

Being the youngest in a family full of dull scientists was never the life fit for him, especially after learning to adore magic. Siblings pushed him away, he'll even his own parents did! It was always as if he was never there and now that same indifferent feeling was carefully returning.

Ness never learnt to get attached to people, so that's why when Kaiser first saw and acknowledged him, he clung to the boy as if he was his lifeline pumping him with venom. And now that exact lifeline was being...cut off?

'Maybe it would be better if I...What could I do?' Ness thought as he realised Kaiser was no longer in his sight. "What if I just left?" He muttered in a breath.

The BM team had been invited to join some programme called...Blue Lock?

That clap sound echoed in Ness' mind. Kaiser...his beloved teammate pairing up with this Yoichi Isagi?! Who even was he? Who he compared to Ness? What was so special about him!? What did Kaiser see in him that he couldn't in Ness? Many emotions mixed within Ness yet the most prominent was jealousy.

However, what could Ness do? The two really were an amazing duo. Praised by the NEL masters, other teams, social media...Ness was irrelevant in the equation all together. Maybe Yoichi was better. But he didn't want that. Ness didn't want Yoichi to be better.

It was as if he was never there. He had tried to include himself, but it was like he was just a shadow. A quiet, still, useless shadow. All throughout the NEL he felt transparent. He contributed greatly in matches but it was as if those achievements were never seen! Not by Noa, not by Yoichi and especially not by Kaiser.

Pushed to the side, forgotten, maybe he wasn't meant for Kaiser after all. He was never Kaisers but oh did Ness really want Kaiser to be his.

The NEL had ended. BM was back in Germany. Kaiser hadn't talked to Ness once after their return. All Ness could remember Kaiser saying to him "Get lost, shitty Ness." Such sick words, yet he clinged onto them as if they meant something.

A week into their return, nothing. Just the odd words or few said in training, otherwise, nothing. Ness had given up entirely. Maybe he should've given up a while ago but he was all for optimism. He tried, he held on for so long, he really, really did. Yet it just wasn't enough.

It was a cold night in Germany. A dark one, at that. Ness stood alone on a bridge behind the shop where him and Kaiser would always go after practice to get sweets. Such a sweet memory. The breeze blew through his hair. It was a long fall down. 'No one could survive after falling all that, right?' Would his family care? No one would care, right? Kaiser wouldn't mind. He was thriving, right? Thriving without him.

Would he still thrive if Ness wasn't there at all?

It was on the news the next evening. 'Bastard München star, Alexis Ness, found dead under <insert name of bridge>.' It was broadcast on billboards throughout Germany. Kaiser only saw after practice. For the first time since he was a child, Kaiser's heart dropped.

'Ness? Dead?!'

The thought was frantic in his head. Questions after questions flooded his mind. 'How? Why? He seemed perfectly fine!' Ness was good at that. Pretending he was fine.

A few days had passed. The hospital had released an autopsy. Landed on his chest, ribs shattered, pierced his heart. Death was almost, if not, instant. It was clear suicide. Kaiser hadn't spoken to anyone since. What was he supposed to speak to people about anyways.

It was still processing in his mind. Ness was dead, as in never ever coming back. The question still lingered in his mind. 'Why did he do it?' What could've pushed him to do such an action?

Two weeks, and it was if everyone was back to normal. Everyone apart from Micheal Kaiser. It was another day at practice. The U-20 World Cup was here. Another failed shot, the ball hitting the rim of the net. "Blöder ball." Kaiser spat, brows furrowed. He could hear the rest of his teammates cursing him out aswell.

He would too, it was his second missed shot, nothing like him at all. It was all Ness' fault. If it wasn't for that idiots death, Kaiser would still he that great emperor. But then again, why was he letting Ness affect him? He's gone. He's been gone for 3 weeks now.

He needed to suck it up, get back on his own feet. His teammates sure had. Why couldn't he? He hated the feeling. The stupid feeling of not being better than everyone else. The feeling of not having someone to pull and push around. Ness.

Kaiser sat alone in his room. A shit ton load of empty, crumpled coke cans surrounding him. They weren't healthy and he knew that. But he didn't really care anymore, he hadn't been eating properly either, making it visible he's thinner by a lot he definitely shouldn't have been acting like this knowing he had an upcoming match. But, God, this feeling was eating him up.

Guilt? Remorse? He didn't know what it was despite all his physcology knowledge. Was this why he was under-performing? Has Ness' passing away really hurt him? But why?! What more did he have? Who was he supposed to talk to?

He couldn't.

It would ruin his image of being some amazing player, a strong person who needed no one. And he didn't, right? He was God's chosen emperor. Emperors don't need anyone. All they need is a kingdom to rule over. The pitch was Kaiser's kingdom yet after Ness' death it felt as if his kingdom collapsed. As if Ness had stolen it from him.

Match day. Germany against Costa Rica. Noa had spoken privately to Kaiser about his performance. Telling him to 'get himself together', and Kaiser had no other choice but to agree on like a toddler being scolded.

So the match went on in favour of Germany during that first half with Kaiser successfully scoring a goal. The stadium roared but his own official last words to Ness ringed in his mind. 'That. Those words...' It finally dawned on him.

Kaiser was the reason Ness had killed himself.

His breath hitched as he stumbled over from his teammates congratulating him. Kaiser simply shook his head before pulling off his signature goal celebration.

Happiness isn't forever, though. The second half was chaotic. Majority of them forty-five minutes, Kaiser heard himself being cussed out. Two shots missed. Two shots scored from Costa Rica. They were losing and it was Kaiser's fault. He just couldnt get out of his head. Ness' face, how he was always soft-spoken with him, his smile, all those images flooded his head.

End of the match. Germany lost. All the blame on the supposed 'Emperor'. The media was all over him. News articles already published, reporters suspecting Kaiser's terrible performance was to do with the former BM member, Alexis Ness.

They weren't wrong, no. Not at all.

That same night Kaiser was in his room again. Angry at himself, at his team, at the media, at Ness. His hands wrapped around his throat, squeezing so, so hard. A harsh, squealed cough left him, but he didn't stop. He didn't stop till his head spun and he cluttered to the floor. His nails dug into his own skin, into that blue rose tattooed onto his neck. The last thing he saw was his own filthy reflection in the mirror.

Two days, Kaiser hadn't come to practise. No one suspected anything, thinking he was just sulking over their loss. Noa sent one of the members to his accommodation in the Bastard München training hold.

The door creaked open. "Yo, Noa said to stop sulk-" Kaiser lay on the floor, skin pale. His teammate's eyes widened as he immediately crouched beside Kaiser, feeling for a pulse. Nothing. His skin was ice cold to the touch. Scratches on his neck, drool stains down his chin.

Two days he had been dead. No one cared to check on him until now. Perhaps Ness would've. Perhaps Kaiser needed him after all.

Dead rin!au—> angst, suicide, sae

It was another day, Rin sat in the loneliness of his bedroom, pen in hand, paper on desk. It had been 2 years since Sae had left for Spain. Rin wrote letters to him, many letters, to which Sae would reply. However, this month he hadn't received a single letter back. 'It's nothing, it was probably just a delay in delivery.."

'Dear Nii-chan,

Its been a while since you've wrote back to me but I suppose you're busy or something.

I saw you on the TV the other night, scoring a hattrick against some other lukewarm team. Y'know I scored a hattrick of my own the other day, but my performance was nothing like yours...

Anyways I hope you're doing okay and that you actually receive this letter this time.'

'That should be fine, right?' Rin thought to himself before folding the piece of paper up and stuffing it into an envelope, sealing it with tape.

It was later on that day, after football practice when Rin went to post the letter.

There weren't any delays in delivery from either side. A small pile of letters on Sae's desk had stacked up. All from the same person to the same person. From rin to Sae. Each and every one of them. It had been so bust recently with Sae's schedule. So packed, so much pressure.

Sae hadn't bothered to read any of Rin's recent letters. He simply didn't have the time too, plus he thought the content of what was written in the letters was getting repetitive anyways. 'Maybe if I stop he'll stop...' Clearly that mindset wasn't working.

A knock at the door drew Sae's attention away from analysing his recent match. With a reluctant sigh, he paused the recording and got up. Opening the door, Sae was met with a familiar face, the mailman, holding out an envelope "Another letter for you, Mr Itoshi." Sae scoffed and took the letter out the man's hands before closing the door.

The paper was tossed onto the desk before he sat back on his bed, resuming the recording.

That night. That cold, snowy night. Rin stared blankly at Sae, eyes confused and shocked. "Wh-What?! What do you mean you don't want to be a striker? I thought-I trained, thinking we'd be the best together! That's what you always wrote in your letters atleast."

"For God's sake, Rin. How much more childish could you get? Letters? Really? I was fine with and without them! All your 'letters' did were take up space in my accommodation!"

Rin almost felt his heart fall right into his stomach. 'They meant..nothing?' Rin was only pulled away from his thoughts when he heard, "If you beat me in this 1 on 1, I'll continue our dream of being...strikers."

"No..No no no! Nii-chan you can't just-" Rin' breath sped up, chasing rapidly rising and falling. Then Sae and the ball were right infront of him. Sae slid right past him just as Rin went to tackle. The breath was stolen right from Rin's lungs.

The swish of the net moving snapped something in him. Sae scored. Rin lost. Dream over.

The loud clattering noise echoed throught Rin's room as all the trophies, that photo of him and Sae together fell to the floor. Teeth clenched, hands curled into tight fists. Rin let out a shaky breath. Anger? Resentment? Sadness? He couldn't tell what it was. Tears sat in his waterline, threatening to spill.

The threat was indeed carried out as Rin fell down to his knees, thin streaks of tears sliding down his cheeks. "Didn't mean anything...bullshit. Nii-chan...bullshit! It was all bullshit!" His poor voice croaked.

Then the U-20 match rolled around. All the talk about Sae joining the U-20 team made Rin sick to his stomach. It made him want to puke. Yet that was the only thing on his mind. Seeing his brother in person again after...after that night. He had to prove he was worthy of being a striker. Prove to Sae that he is good enough.

Japan won. The team Sae was on lost. Yet it didn't feel like victory. The last goal wasn't Rin's. It wasn't his. Rin sat on the field, hand tangled in his dark green hair, teeth clenched. That familiar presence lingered behind him. "Maybe this Blue Lock isn't so bad..." Rin's breath paused. He looked up, eyes sparkling, dazzling. Was this the moment? Was he worthy In his nii-chan's eyes?

"That Yoichi Isagi could do something for Japan."

Isagi. Isagi was worthy. Rin wasn't. Rin's heart shattered. He could feel the shards poking at his chest. Piercing. That same, sinking gut-feeling. The same one from the night everything fell apart.

A week had passed since the match. Sae was back in Spain, Blue Lock had a two week break. It was nearing midnight and Rin was sat at the desk in his room. All he had been seeing was Isagis face everywhere. News, merch, journalist reports and everytime Rin saw his stupid face all he saw was his brothers praise.

Crumpled pieces of paper sat in Rin's bin. All starting the same. 'Dear Nii-Chan,' He just couldn't get it right. What was he supposed to say? Rin's heart pounded an inconsistent beat as he put pen to paper one last time..

A knock at Sae's door pulled him away from a match analysis. He made his way to the door before opening it. No one. As he was about to close the door, a rectangular piece of paper lying on the floor caught his eye. 'To Sae Itoshi' it read.

He shrugged, picked it up and closed the door. Sat back on the sofa of his rental apartment in Spain, Sae reached for the remote to resume the analysis but his finger happened to miss click. The news was on. Sports news, actually. By then Sae had started opening the letter.

'Dear Nii-Chan,

I don't even know if you'll read this letter, I suppose you never bothered with the others.'

Breaking news: Upcoming football prodigy-

'Y'know it really hurt me when you said you didn't want to be a striker anymore. It hurt so, so much, Nii-chan, but you never had time for otherwise, did you? You set off such a fire in me that no amount of water could ever put out. I had to prove myself to you. I had to!

Rin Itoshi-

'So I trained, Sae. I trained so hard to the point where some days I couldn't even get out of bed. And I hoped you'd notice me. Atleast once, Nii-chan. I knew how you were, always consumed with football and I guess that influenced me too.'

Found dead in his bedroom at 16.

Sae flinched at the words he just heard, eyes immediately shooting up to stare blankly at the TV. His heart thumped. "Wait, what?" His gaze flicked back down to the paper in his hands.

'I hope you read this, Sae. I really, really pray to whoevers above that you read this. I'm dead now. I know i am. It's unfortunate I couldn't get a, 'you did well' from you. And you know what, I really really hope this haunts you, Nii-chan. I loved you, Sae, but I don't know if I ever saw it back.'

After doctrine and police inspections, we believe it was a tragic case of suicide. So heartbreaking for an amazing upcoming athlete.

Then the reporter moved onto match highlights from a previous game. Sae breathed a shaky breath. "No...What? What!?" His hands tightened around the paper. A lone tear slipped from his eye, seeping into the paper. "Rin..."

That's my opinion.

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MAY YOU NEVER LOSE YOUR HYPERFIXATION

ⓘ there’s a certain melancholy that comes from being so far from home, but sae thinks somethings changed since then.

pairing. itoshi sae x gn!reader | wc. 1.3k | genres. fluff + sfw. | warnings. possibility of him being ooc (first time writing sae so sorry). him + reader share an apartment. brief themes of loneliness and nostalgia. I return to masterlist.

notes. so sorry to my sae mutuals who may read this if i butcher your guy, i’m his opp /lh but i wanted to give it a try anyway, especially as someone who used to travel often for work, sometimes home becomes a person rather than a place :-)

Sae would never consider himself as someone who would get homesick, and most would probably assume the same considering his usual stoic and unbothered exterior.

Thinking back on it, he’d moved across the world completely alone, hellbent on chasing an unrealistic dream, seeking out the unknowingly frayed threads of those aspirations that he always held so dear. It had been daunting at first, he can still remember the way the silence settled in his hotel room on his first night and how empty his first apartment felt, quiet… a little lonely even.

He had a family in Japan, friends, and despite his rocky relationship with his brother Rin, it was charming the way he still seemed to instantly read his texts. Sae wouldn’t say he missed him, neither would, those words unnecessary considering he made his choice. But the sort of blunt back and forth of one word answers and short questions was still a little like home.

He doesn’t have any regrets, only tepid memories and decisions he’s long had to come to terms with.

Sae’s body feels heavier today, and it’s these sort of days that he finds himself reminiscing as he trudges up the steps of his apartment complex, training bag slung over his shoulders and the high neck of his jacket zipped right up to his chin. He’s maybe a little too short tempered to listen to his agent ramble on in his ear right now, pressing his phone closer before he sighs with his next long blink.

He’s tired, miserably so, and he wants nothing more than to just collapse on his couch for the rest of the night. He reaches his floor, gives himself a few moments at the top of the stairs before he’s taking another step and his agent is still going on about contracts, sponsor deals, dinners that he’d rather die than attend.