Rin Writes

The weakened golden light of a sunset streamed in through the window, making Zxy cover his face with his arm. He’d been lying in his bed for days, too drugged up to bother doing anything else. It was like this at times, but it was getting worse. Even he could see that. Somehow, everything was getting worse. Out of control. It seemed like it was spiraling, and he was no longer in charge. Instead, he was along for the ride as his whole life went down the drain. So to have a few moments like this, where it was just quiet and peaceful, without any yelling or hitting or laughing or pounding music was great. More than he could ask for, really. Even if the trade off was that it took an enormous effort to move at all, he’d accept that. It was still worth it. But the drugs were wearing off, and his mind was starting to kick back in with incessant worries, doubts, thoughts of what was going to happen next. He couldn’t place it, but every scenario that played in his head hit a wall at some point. Sooner more often than later. No matter what, it seemed, there was no way anything good was going to come of his worthless life now. Not even in a simple “you’ll never amount to anything” way anymore, like his mother used to say. She’d stopped saying that altogether. Now he wasn’t even sure what would happen, but… He squeezed his eyes even more tightly shut. No! He couldn’t think of it. Sitting up and shaking his head, he ran a hand through his dirty hair. He desperately needed a shower. Normally, he’d be disgusted with himself, but lately, he didn’t even have the energy for that. Dragging himself to the bathroom, he went through the motions, stripping down and stepping into tepid water. Leaning against the shower wall, he let the water run. At first, he’d starting using simply as a way to rebel. His parents would absolutely hate it, and he knew that. He’d punish them, and at the same time, he’d take away any chances anyone had of forcing him into a life he didn’t want. “That’s hilarious…” he murmured to himself, lips barely moving. His life still wasn’t his own, so what was the point? Which was the better option if his life was going to be out of his control anyway? Having it run by his parents, or by a bunch of chemicals he’d pumped himself full of? He used to believe that at least he’d chosen the drugs, but it was seeming less like he had any options anymore. If he didn’t get a fix, he’d be sicker than shit, anyway, so… He decided just to focus on getting clean for the time being. Determined to focus on shampoo, soap, water. Lather, rinse, repeat… Only, not only was his attention span shot, it was pretty hard to focus on such mundane, mindless tasks, anyway, let alone when he was in this state. He finished the shower feeling as if he’d break apart at any moment. His skin was overly sensitive, and the slightest touch seemed to hurt. It took some willpower not to yelp as he quickly dried his hair, but at the same time, at least he could feel. It wasn’t a pleasant sensation, but it was still there. He was still there. But for how much longer, he wasn’t sure. Pulling on clean clothes and dropping back into his bed, he stared at the ceiling. Still there, but for how long…? And all he was doing was lying around. Of course, that was the whole problem. If he didn’t have long, it was his own fault. Since he couldn’t stop thinking about it anyway, he decided to face the one big thought he’d been avoiding all this time head on: There was probably no way that, the way his life was going, it wasn’t going to culminate in something huge, something terrible, very, very soon. He just didn’t know what, or when, that would be. And it terrified him. And the worst part was… he’d done it all to himself.

On a typical winter’s day, there sat a certain dark haired boy, right in a leather chair before a woman sitting at a desk, listening intently as he spoke. Bane’s doctor took notes as she listened to him, nodding and letting him speak his mind. It had taken awhile, but the doctor was as professional as she was beautiful, and at least one of those traits wasn’t wasted on him. “I have good days. Naturally, I do,” he was saying to her. “It’s just, I can only fully enjoy those days if I don’t think too hard. If I do think too hard, I start to realize that all I’m doing is running. I don’t mean to. But the lows never really go away. The negativity is always there… it’s just that when I’m doing well, I feel good. I may even forget that negativity for awhile. But that doesn’t change that it’s… always there. It’s just waiting.” Vivienne nodded, looking him in the eye. She could do that, Bane had noticed pretty early on. That was rare. It was also sometimes disconcerting. For today, though, Vivienne noticed that he didn’t look away. The high points were always like that for him. “Does anything bring about these low points?” she asked. “Not necessarily.” “But sometimes they do?” “Occasionally.” “Does it have anything to do with your tendency to overanalyze mistakes and others’ actions?” Bane shifted uncomfortably in his seat. It seemed that just talking like this could send him reeling. She didn’t want that. God knew the poor kid needed at least a brief break from himself. But it would never get better if he didn’t talk about it. “I… well…” Bane was at a loss now. “Yes?” Vivienne pressed. When Bane still didn’t answer, she softly reminded him that it was alright, that he could just say what was on his mind. He needed that reminder constantly. He also required constant validation. Constant reminders that the people in his life cared about him. Constant reminders not to take everything so literally, or so seriously. That last one, in particular, was definitely a work in progress. Bane shook his head. “Do you not think that you do those things?” Vivienne asked, eyes on him. Bane also had a tendency not to want to admit when he was wrong, or had made mistakes. That one was a little puzzling at times. Even the smallest mishaps, and he’d clam up rather than accept fault. But at other times, he would crucify himself over the tiniest incident. That was where the triggered low points she was trying to get him to admit came in. When he made a mistake along the way, he’d wind up beating himself up to the point that he’d physically harm himself. One moment, he’d be upset with himself for a disagreement with a friend, and the next, he’d wind up in the emergency room for having swallowed a bottle of pills. While mentally tearing himself apart for the small circumstance, he’d dwell on previous larger circumstances, one after the other, until it was too much to bear. “Bane?” He had gone silent, but her voice snapped him out of whatever thoughts he was having. He looked up at her through his lashes. Whether he was purposely trying to look pitiful or not was hard to tell, but she was pretty sure he wasn’t actively trying. “Don’t…” he said, voice wavering. “Don’t what?” “Don’t do this to me…” “I’m not trying to hurt you… why does the idea of discussing this hurt so much?” “Stop it!” Oh, it was going to be one of those days. “I was happy before I came here!” “Which part caused you to stop being happy? Were you thinking about something that hurt you a moment ago?” “No!” She took a deep breath. “Do you want to change the subject?” “Yes!” She made a note. He noticed her. He knew as well as she did that it wasn’t over, and that they’d eventually have to cover this subject. Sooner or later, he’d have to talk. It was okay, though. It was a work in progress, and he had to move through things at his own pace. Vivienne was okay with that. Honestly, he’d made great progress in the year or so he’d been seeing her. There had been… problems. For the most part, though, he seemed more stable than he’d been a year ago. He also genuinely seemed to want to work at it and get things right. He wanted to be better, mentally healthier, and more stable. The fact that he had trouble seeing himself as anything but a bad person was a good chunk of the problem. His splitting was another. The splitting continued to be a problem, and it probably would for awhile. “Just relax, Bane. Take a deep breath,” she said. Her calm demeanor put him at ease, though he wouldn’t say that. Instead, he did as instructed, taking a moment to breathe. “What’s the date today?” she asked him. He quietly responded. “And the time?” He glanced at the clock, reading it back to her. “Good,” she said, smiling. “I know it can be overwhelming sometimes, but remember to try to stay in the here and now. As hard as you can.” No response. “Sometimes your mind won’t shut off, and you get overwhelmed with all of your thoughts, right?” “I already told you that,” he mumbled. “When you say that, you mean you have a lot of different thoughts, right?” He was already uncomfortable again. “Why does talking about this bother you?” No response. “You can’t do this alone, Bane,” Vivienne said. She looked at him unwaveringly from across her desk. Bane tried to avoid her gaze this time. “You’re done answering?” she asked, then sighed. “Well, that’s alright, too. We’re out of time for today. But I really would like to cover this next time.” She watched him tense. She hated making the next appointment something he dreaded. He was stubborn, and if he thought the next one would be painful at all, he’d refuse to come. “We’ll do something enjoyable next time. That way it won’t be so bad,” she said. That would be a fun one… trying to find something he’d enjoy. She’d tried to discuss hobbies with him before, but he had none. She’d even encouraged him to find things he enjoyed, but he gave it one feeble attempt before coming to the next appointment, glumly declaring that there was nothing that he enjoyed doing. She mulled all of this over as she saw Bane off. The skeptical look on his face didn’t escape her notice, either. It seemed that the next session was going to be an interesting one. She just hoped that he didn’t dwell on it too much and wind up obsessing over it and putting himself into a “low point.” There was nothing much she could do, though, until she was needed.

Zxy and Rae had been friends for awhile. At the very least, it had been long enough for Rae to find out about Zxy’s little secret. Magic. That had been a shock, but it had also been very easy to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt. She had taken it really well, too; better than Zxy had expected. So well, in fact, that it was kind of… Well, it was kind of childlike in a way. Which was probably why, at that very moment, he was lying in the dark, staring at the ceiling, wishing his friend would let him sleep. But no. She was intent on asking him questions for seemingly the rest of recorded history. “Is it like being a bender? Like an air bender?"she asked. "No,” Zxy replied flatly. “Is it like in Harry Potter?” He snorted. “No.” “Is it like Dragonball Z?” “I don’t even know what that is.” The questions had gone like that all night. Now, though, Zxy was lying on the couch, silently praying that this girl was capable of running out of steam. So far, he hadn’t seen any evidence to suggest it. “Rae, please,” he said. That was the sixth time. “But, you could just do magic whenever you wanted!” She cried. ‘Yeah,’ he thought, 'Like I could put you to sleep right now. But I won’t. Because I’m being nice.’ Okay, that was a little harsh, he realized. And he knew he should be grateful she was taking it so well! But at 2 a.m., it’s hard to be grateful for much of anything. “You don’t even need a nightlight… do you think that’s normal? Do you think magic kids just use magic for their nightlights?” “I can tell you with absolute certainty that they don’t,” Zxy said. “If I had magic I’d use it all the time!” “I’m sure you would.” “Do you think the earth is magic?” “What?” Zxy side eyed his friend. “Yeah, like, the earth? Do you think it’s inherently magic? Like-” she continued on, with the profound enlightenment only the sleep deprived late night of a sleepover could bring. Zxy turned over on the couch, his back facing her. She seemed unperturbed. “Do you-” “Rae, please, I’m begging you, GO TO SLEEP.” She paused. Finally, some silence. “Okay, but do you think-” Yelling in frustration, Zxy threw a pillow at her. “HEY!” “Go to sleep, Rae!” More silence. Sweet, sweet silence. And then… “Did you just throw that with magic?”

Rae brushed a few stray locks of hair from Cameron’s sweaty forehead. “You have a pretty high fever,” she murmured, looking at the thermometer. In response, Cameron made a soft groaning noise, burrowing further down into a sea of blankets. The poor thing… Rae couldn’t help but take pity. “I’ll get you some water and some medicine,” she said. She was only gone a minute or two, but when she came back, he had already nodded off. “Here, take this,” she said quietly, gently rousing him. He woke up, sitting up from his blankets and immediately shivering. “Thanks…” he said. His voice was so quiet, she barely heard it. “You’re welcome.” He sipped at the water after taking the medicine before laying back down, closing his eyes. He was still shivering, but he managed to nod off quickly again. He wasn’t sure how long he was out for, but when he opened his eyes next, Rae was in a chair she’d pulled up beside his bed, playing on her phone. “Did the light bother you?” she asked, “Sorry.” He shook his head, wincing when it caused his already throbbing head to pound. “What time is it?” he asked. “About 2 a.m.” “Oh…” “Definitely no school for you tomorrow,” she said. He didn’t respond. He was pretty sure it had been around 9 or so when he’d fallen asleep. Had she really sat there for nearly five hours for his sake? It wasn’t something he was used to, that was for sure. Mulling it over, he didn’t even notice that he was slipping off back to sleep as his eyes closed, but when he next woke up, the sun was just starting to rise, and Rae was fast asleep in the chair, her back pressed against one arm with her legs dangling over the other. A blanket was partially draped over her, but it didn’t look like she was warm or comfortable. In a few hours, she’d need to be up to make breakfast and see Lili off to school. And here she was, getting no sleep just to take care of him. He decided he’d have to take care of her when he was better so she could catch up on her own rest.

   It wasn’t a rainy day, or a particularly dark day the day the heavy sadness settled around Bane, but it didn’t feel that way to Lucille. The young man’s demeanor and mannerisms shifted, and when they did, the window may as well have overlooked black skies and torrential rain. It was true that he hadn’t been doing well lately, and had even had a temporary lapse in sanity, as he occasionally did. Friends and relatives were still reeling, honestly. Now, though, the part of Bane that felt guilt, remorse, and everything other than sadistic joy had resurfaced, and left him to feel everything all at once. Only there was a certain sense of finality that, if she were honest with herself, she’d never noticed about him before.     “Are you alright, dear?” she asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. Turning to look at her, his eyebrows raised as if he hadn’t noticed her presence up until that point.     “Oh…yes,” he said absently, “Of course.”     She frowned.     “It doesn’t seem like it,” she said.     He didn’t reply for a moment. She was just about to say something else to break the silence and prod him into speaking to her when he stopped her short.     “I’m just tired.”     “Then you should rest,” she tried, hopeful.     “No, I don’t think so. I have no time for that,” he said.     “Why? Do you have plans for the day?” She asked. She knew full well he didn’t. He had no meetings, and it was apparent he wasn’t planning to do any paperwork. He wouldn’t be sitting in on any trials today, either. For once, his schedule was completely blank, though only because he’d refused to do much of anything at all. That alone was cause for concern.     “Yes, actually,” he replied. Lucille, skeptical, crossed her arms. He stood near his desk, gazing down at it, as if contemplating picking something up from it. There was nothing much to pick up, though.     “And what would that be?”     Bane didn’t answer her. She swallowed thickly. A cold chill ran through her. For some reason, she was getting an awful sense that something bad was about to happen. She told herself firmly that the worst of his temporary mental breakdown was over, that he was doing much better today, he just wasn’t fully feeling better. He’d need a few days to process what he’d done this time before he could shove it all aside and get back to work. That was how it always was. It wasn’t healthy by any means, she knew that, but he was able to ignore whatever emotional baggage he was experiencing to fulfill his role as king. Oftentimes, he would do so to the point of having nearly no real sense of self at all. Only when he was feeling as low as he could get did he…     She bit her lip.     “Bane, please…talk to me,” she said, her tone uncharacteristically frail. He glanced over momentarily, side-eyeing her, before turning back to his desk. His fingers trailed over the gorgeous mahogany. He remained silent.     "Please…”     This time, he broke his silence.     “I have to go.”     She reached out from her spot several steps away, in the middle of the room, but it was too late. He was gone. She slowly lowered her hand, feeling her eyes burn. Every fiber of her being was screaming at her that she was never going to see him again. Not alive, anyway. She crumpled to the floor, unable to shake the feeling. Alone, she wept.

    As Bane sat in his study, working hard as always, he paused and lifted his head as a pleasant scent caught his attention. It was the smell of coconut, and something else. He decided a break was in order, so he headed down the stairs and to the kitchen, where Lucille was busy in front of the stove     "What is that heavenly aroma?" Bane asked. Lucille turned to him and smiled.     “Fresh coconut cookies, young master. Here,” she replied, holding out a plate to him. A fresh batch of cookies, still warm, greeted him.     “What’s the occasion?” asked Bane, helping himself to one and nibbling it. It was like pure joy had been put in edible form. His eyes closed in bliss.     “I felt like baking, and I had a bit of a craving myself,” she said. “Besides, you’ve been hard at work and deserve a little treat.”     Bane normally would’ve balked at the very idea, and adamantly refused. He would have scolded anyone else for treating him like a child. “Of course I’m working hard!” he’d say, indignant, “It’s my job! And if you ever act so casually toward me again, or imply I’m a child who needs sweets in reward for working, I’ll kill you where you stand!”     Something terribly intimidating like that.     But not Lucille. Instead, he sidled right up to her, giving her his best side-hug. She squeezed him closer, ruffling his hair.     “There will be plenty of cookies, so I expect you to stuff yourself,” she said. Bane’s lips twitched in the ghost of a smile; it was just a tiny little movement, but for him, it was the same as breaking into a huge, radiant grin. They were working on it, at least, thought Lucille. She hoped one day he’d be able to smile normally.     “So, take this plate, and come back in ten minutes.”     “Yes, ma’am.”     “Good. Now run along, you little scoundrel.”     Bane bit into his cookie to stifle a remark, taking his plate of cookies and going back to his study. Today definitely classified as a peaceful, enjoyable day.

Zxy had only been awake for a short time when a visitor walking into his room startled him, causing him to sit up straight. The wince his movements caused couldn’t be hidden, and it served to further illustrate just how helpless he was in this situation. He was badly injured. Zxy couldn’t remember ever being this badly hurt. He’d been in the hospital for awhile, and it looked like it was going to be a long road to complete recovery and eventual discharge.     “Zxy…? Oh, Zxy…” the familiar voice was full of concern. Esmerelda stood beside the foot of his bed, and obviously the wince did not go unnoticed by her. Her expression was troubled. Zxy said nothing. Come to think of it, he had no idea what her opinion of the situation was. He hadn’t spoken with her in so long…     Given how everyone else in his family had acted, he wouldn’t have been surprised if she blamed him for his condition. As if he asked to be tortured day in and day out for three straight months.     Esmerelda sat down, scooting the chair close enough to him and taking his hand gently. Her own hands were soft and pleasantly cool. Despite how chilly it was in the hospital, somehow Zxy was constantly uncomfortably warm. Some of his wounds were likely infected. Normally, he’d know what was wrong with him, but somehow he just couldn’t bring himself to care. Ever since he’d woken up in the hospital, he’d been overcome with a sense of apathy punctuated only by terror when certain triggers arose. Being in such a state, he hadn’t bothered listening to the doctors; he’d just let them do their job, not being particularly friendly to them.     “What are you doing here?” he asked. His tone was not overly friendly toward her, either. It wasn’t intentional. It was just that, along with the apathy, he had a strong desire to be alone. It was funny, really. Before this whole situation, he’d been painfully lonely. Now, however, it seemed that the events led him to want to distance himself from everyone and everything related to his family. From everyone, really. He didn’t even really want the nurses and doctors coming around to check him over.     “I’m checking on you. I’ve been so worried, but this is the first moment I’ve gotten to come see you. I tried sooner, but they didn’t want to allow anyone that wasn’t immediate family…” she said. Zxy, not looking at her, shrugged.     “You shouldn’t have bothered at all,”     “And why not?”     No response. After a lengthy silence, Esmerelda finally spoke up.     “I had no idea, Zxy. I really didn’t… God, I should’ve. Djeydi didn’t tell me anything. He purposely told me only enough not to make me suspicious. I had no idea!”     Zxy turned away at that. He really didn’t want to hear it.     “I don’t even know how long it lasted,” said Esmerelda.     “Three months,” Zxy responded. It was almost startling how easy it was to say it. He felt nothing even for that fact. It was a comfortable numbness, really. He didn’t have to face what had happened.     Drawing in a breath, Esmerelda went silent once more. Zxy certainly didn’t break the silence. He preferred the quiet.     A droplet of what he first thought was water landed on his hand, causing him to glance over. Surprised, he sat up straighter.     “I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be… shouldn’t be crying like this. I have no right. I should be letting you cry,” Esmerelda said. She quickly wiped at her eyes, but the tears kept coming. Zxy reached up and gently brushed them away.     “I exhausted that option a long time ago,” he said. Once again, there was no emotion to his words. It made Esmerelda’s face screw up, though she controlled herself and stopped crying.     “That’s awful, Zxy,” she said, sniffling.     “Is it?”     “Of course…”     He shrugged again.     “I’m not speaking to him, you know!” she blurted out suddenly. Zxy turned his head toward her sharply, furrowing his brow.     “Why?”     “Why? Because of everything he did!”     “What exactly do you know?” Zxy asked. This time, there was a bit of curiosity. He didn’t have the full story, either, so maybe the two of them could piece it together. As it stood, not a lot of it made sense. It had just seemed like his brother wanted to get rid of him, at the time.     “He told me Bane threatened me… he tried to tell me he did it to protect me. Can you believe him? He told me he tortured his own brother for my sake, as if I was supposed to thank him!” Esmerelda stood up, making Zxy jump. She apologized quickly, but continued, “He was surprised when I got upset! Kept insisting he was protecting me, that I’d been in danger. If I was in so much danger, why did he never tell me? Why would he…how could he? How could he?” At the end, her voice rose and became a bit shrill. She paced, fidgeting, chewing her lip.     “It was supposed to be some sort of noble sacrifice, the things he did to you,” she said finally, dropping her hands to her sides.     “Bane said he never threatened you, but we know how he is. Of course that monster did. I believe Djeydi about that. I just…”     As he trailed off, Esmerelda leaned toward him a bit, urging him to continue.     “Say it, Zxy. It’s alright.”     Zxy hesitated, biting his lip.     “I can’t believe how easily he did it.”     Esmerelda sat, taking his hand once again. Giving a reassuring squeeze, she smiled weakly at him.     “There you go. Tell me everything. Let me help. It’s the least I can do…”     Zxy shifted, laying down and resting his head on the pillow. Staring up at the ceiling, his expression went blank once more.     “He didn’t hesitate. I…I don’t blame him for protecting you, but-”     “-No. No. That wasn’t protecting me. That was monstrous. Don’t you…don’t say that,” Esmerelda said. Her jaw was set, but as he looked over at her, her expression softened, and she added a quiet, “Please…”     “Zxy, you need to know that, had I known what was going on, I would never have let him do it. He wasn’t protecting me at all, and if I’d known he was doing all of this, I would’ve told him. I would’ve told him to fight for you. I can handle myself. Bane is a child. There is absolutely no excuse as to why he couldn’t fight. If he’d only freed you, there’s no way the two of you couldn’t have stopped Bane somehow.”     Zxy took a deep breath, closing his eyes.     “We’re both cowards, really.”     “That’s not true,” Esmerelda said, “You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.”     “Why, because I survived months of torture and still manage to have my mind somewhat intact?”     “You survived a lot of things, Zxy Tepechkie, and you’re all the stronger for it. You’ve always been so strong. I’ll be the first to admit that your family isn’t the easiest to get along with. I’ve seen it firsthand. I know how hard they’ve been on you. I know how your mother-”     Zxy sucked in a breath. Mother. The word sounded foreign to him, like he was unfamiliar with the meaning. That certainly wasn’t the word he’d use to describe the woman who gave birth to him.     “Please don’t talk about her,” he said. Esmerelda tilted her head.     “Why not?”     Jesus, Zxy thought to himself, studying her face closely, She doesn’t have a clue.     “…when everything happened…they knew. They sided with Bane. Mother and Father told me I deserved anything I got.”     “WHAT?”     Once again, Esmerelda was on her feet, but this time, she didn’t pace. She stared at him, aghast, as he calmly stared back.     “They didn’t…please, please tell me that’s not true!”     “Yep. Bane was only partially why I moved out. I wasn’t welcome in their house anymore. I bought a house with my own money, and I depended on them to wire funds to a bank account I could access from my new location. It was like pulling teeth getting them to give me a dime of my own money. They didn’t want anything to do with me. They said…if I wanted things done differently, I should’ve worked harder to become king. I gave up, they said, and that apparently meant I had no right to complain.”     Esmerelda slowly closed her eyes, taking several calming breaths. Once again, she had to sit back down, eyes still closed. She silently counted to ten.     “Surely they didn’t know how far he was taking it?”     “They knew. When things got worse, they left the country on “business.” It was really to avoid having to deal with everything going on. They knew he was trying to kill me, Esmerelda. They abandoned me. Djeydi stayed, but only to help Bane. He sure as fuck didn’t do me any favors.”     Zxy caught her eye, noting hers were glassy as if she might cry again. It almost made him want to smile. Somehow, seeing someone else so distraught over this story was oddly vindicating for him. It almost felt sadistic to him. That didn’t mean he felt bad about it. At the same time, though, he felt just a twinge of regret. She was upset, and hearing him talk about her fiancé as he was probably wasn’t helping the matter any.     “I can’t believe this…I can’t believe this…”     Zxy squeezed her hand this time, grounding her. She collected herself, but Zxy could feel her trembling.     They sat in silence for about an hour. In that time, a nurse came in to change his bandages, surprised that he had a visitor. She wasn’t his first one, but considering Djeydi had been the only one, had had the nerve to show up there, it didn‘t seem he‘d be getting any others. Most likely due to the massive panic attack Zxy had upon seeing him, prompting doctors to ban Djeydi from seeing him, ensuring Zxy was completely alone and visitorless. No one thought the boy had anyone who actually cared about him, though that wasn’t an idea the nurse liked to think about. While he was nowhere near talkative or overly pleasant, he’d been through something awful, and that was bound to take its toll on anyone. Everyone thought he was probably a very nice boy, normally.     As Zxy’s nurse did her routine checkup, Esmerelda left the room, opting to get some fresh air before returning. When she came back, the nurse was gone, and Zxy was alone, staring off in the direction of a TV, not really paying attention. Its volume was down so low, it could barely be heard.     “Hey, Zxy?”     “Mm?”     Esmerelda twirled a strand of long brown hair around her finger. It seemed she was trying to find the courage to ask a question, so Zxy nudged her a bit.     “Go on. You can ask. I don’t care,” he said. Not mind. He didn’t care.     “……….what injuries do you have?” she asked. Zxy blinked.     “I really don’t know,” he said, “My head is sore, and I do remember having it kind of busted before waking up here. Other than that…it’s a mystery. I think my ribs are broken, though. Um…some broken fingers. Broken collarbone. I can’t really remember. These are just the things Djeydi did toward the end.”     “I really didn’t want to hear that,” said Esmerelda.     “Oh. Sorry.”     “No, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry. I just mean, I wish he hadn’t.”     “Coincidentally, so do I.”     Esmerelda lifted his hand up, examining his arm.     “There are some bandages here,” she said.     “I have no idea. They’re covering something else, but that was a wound that was already healed,” Zxy said. “Bane burned my arm before I was ever captured. I’ve got a scar from that, I know. I think, for the most part, he tried not to leave any scars or physical evidence. There are plenty of ways to torture a person when you can use magic,” he said. As he said it, something occurred to him.     “I wonder…” he murmured.     “What?”     “My magic was sealed the whole time, obviously. Is it gone?”     Esmerelda didn’t have to answer. Zxy looked around quickly, making sure no one was around to see, before flicking the lights on and off with magic. He remained blank, not even smiling. Esmerelda frowned. Zxy loved his magic, his magic was a huge part of his identity; he should have been overjoyed to know it was back. It told her even more than words just how traumatized he still was. In that moment, she could tell how badly damaged he was, and knew it would be a long, long time before he would be okay. If he was ever okay again. She squeezed his hand once more.     “I love you, Zxy. I just want to remind you,” she said, keeping her voice cheerful.     “I know,” he replied.     Shifting to try to get comfortable, he sucked in a breath; he couldn’t help the tiny expression of pain, although he’d wanted to pretend to be fine for Esmerelda’s sake.     “Zxy, let me help y-”     “-have you left Djeydi?”     Esmerelda blinked rapidly, staring at him.     “I…well, I haven’t spoken to him in about two weeks…”     “But have you left him?”     “I don’t know, Zxy. It’s hard to be with a man who would do something so cruel to his own little brother.”     Zxy said nothing. He wondered if he felt good about this. He thought that he probably did, given how he currently felt toward his brother, but he couldn’t be sure. After all, it hurt Esmerelda, and he didn’t want that. But that isn’t our fault, he reminded himself, Djeydi’s the one who chose to do everything he did.         Shaking his head, Zxy withdrew his hand, curling up and feigning a yawn.     “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Anyway, I’m really tired. You should probably go,” he said. He closed his eyes, and Esmerelda stood. There was just no room for debate. It hadn’t been a request for her to leave. He’d ordered her to.     “Okay, Zxy. Sweet dreams,” she said. She leaned down and kissed his forehead before brushing a few stray locks of hair from his face. It was easy to feel the way he tensed at her touch. Pulling back, she apologized quietly.     “I love you, Zxy. If you need to talk or if you get hungry or anything at all, just call me, okay?”     No response. It was obvious he wasn’t asleep, but she let him pretend anyway. Smiling sadly, she left the room, turning the lights off as she went. And then Zxy was alone, staring hard at the wall, uncertain of what he thought, and what he would feel, if he could feel anything at that particular moment.