jessie ♡

Percy: *in his element* and now the stone fish exhibit! Fun fact! Stonefish are the most venemous fish currently known and belong to the genus of four, Synanceia. I know the sign doesn't give his name but he tells me his name is Peter. Now who can tell me the scientific name for stonefish?

Annabeth: (office style interview) Everyone is being super weird lately. I mean I know not everyone likes Percy but there is a really weird tension in the air. And everyone keeps staring at me. I mean I know people thought I died but I’m fine. Mostly. And Percy has been staring at me a lot lately.

Percy: (office style interview) I may have told some people to go fuck themselves. And threw someone in the lake. I also might have yelled at an 8 year old. If I did any of those things. I’m not sorry about it. I did what I had to do to save one of my best friends.

And Bruce would nod very solemnly. "Yes. We are so so silly. Now please help me defuse this active bomb, thank you, sweetheart."

*during a world threatening, all hands on deck emergency*

Batman: everybody understand the plan?

Flash: we’re good to go, on your word.

Batman: then lets get on with it.

Robin, picking up his katana: agreed, let us engage the enemy. and also real quick before we do, i have to tell you that i got suspended from school for two weeks for slamming another student’s head into a table. alright, lets go.

Batman, visibly doing a doubletake: -woah wait hold on, Damian-

Red Robin, scornfull: seriously B? you’re gonna get distracted and let THOUSANDS of people die, because of that little tidbit? what, and now i guess you’re gonna freak out because i got a DUI a few days ago?

Batman: YOU GOT A DUI-?

Robin: father, honestly, priorities.

Batman: i- uh-

The rest of the league, exchanging blank looks:

*massive explosion*

Batman: um- OK WE HAVE TO GO BUT WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER-

*after the fight, ten hours later, everybody is exhausted and covered in blood and dust*

Batman, wrapping gauze around Robin’s wrist: i… feel like there was something i was going to say earlier. regarding you.

The league, watching the Robins stay completely silent:

Red Hood, without blinking: yeah old man, you promised us all that you’d buy pizza on the way back to Gotham.

Batman: …i don’t remember saying th-

Nightwing: fucking course you don’t. first you forget to tell me my little brother dies until after his funeral, now you forget to feed me. are you gonna forget to invite me over for game night, too?

Batman:

Robin: *silently making an ‘a-ok’ gesture behind Bruce’s back*

Batman: …right. yeah. that must have been it. we’ll get pizza ordered to the manor.

Superman, leaning over to Green Arrow: do you think he’ll be ok alone with them? they’re kinda mean

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

Dick remembered a word to say when people are yelling!! man, I wonder where he learned that...

He does get very upset when he learns it's bad to say,, Bruce isn't mad of course he thinks it's hilarious

Bruce, letting himself be shoved: You know where to find me when you need me chum.

Dick: I don’t need you. I’ll never need you.

Bruce: And I’ll still be here anyway.

Dick, slams the door in his face.

[not even thirty seconds later]

Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.

Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.

Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.

Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.

Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.

Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.

-

Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?

The one where everyone finds out Bruce kicked Dick out

I love aging Dick down a bit at the end of yj season 2 so he’s still in high school idk why. Like 15ish. I like the drama. The absolute heartbreak of it all. The punch in the gut everyone must feel when they remember the guy who was leading them through the invasion, who they gave such a hard time to for things mostly out of his control, who was spread so thin he almost snapped in half, was a fifteen year old AP student at Gotham Academy who somehow had the time to cover for Batman, lead the team, go undercover with Deathstroke to backup Kaldur, help Tim with his Robin training, and basically come up with the plans that saved the world all while doing math homework and studying for English tests.

So once all the League members are back on Earth and everything settles down, Bruce and Dick have a huge falling out. Bruce criticizes him for everything he did that wasn’t up to Bruce’s standards. He wasn’t a good enough Batman, he wasn’t a good enough leader, he shouldn’t have gone undercover as Renegade, he should have trained more with Tim, he should have gotten better grades. Dick felt like he was drowning under all the expectations, and he they got into a huge fight in the Batcave while Tim was upstairs with Alfred, blissfully unaware.

It wasn’t a particularly long fight, but it was heated, angry, and bloody - more so for Dick than Bruce. Dick may have been able to get a good few hits in, but he couldn’t bring himself to fight back against his dad. Or at least who he thought was his dad. But Bruce has no problem bringing up that he never adopted Dick, he had given him plenty, and he’ll continue paying for school but Dick needs to leave. Immediately. He can’t have a protege who can’t take orders, who’s subpar.

Dick feels like his insides are covered in ice. He’s leaning against the wall, gasping, sucking in air while blood drips down his face. Bruce has already left, Dick doesn’t know where to. But Dick is told not to be here by the time he gets back. He cleans up just enough to go upstairs, avoid Tim and Alfred, and quickly pack a couple bags. Just the essentials. A few sentimental things. His school stuff. His emergency cash.

Then he goes back to the cave and packs a whole bag full of tactical gear, gadgets, weapons. He takes his Nightwing suit, but he’s not sure he’ll even wear it. Looking at it just makes him sick right now.

He sets up in a safe house and resolutely doesn’t let himself start to breakdown. It will just make things more difficult. He grabs a first aid kit, sits in the bathroom, and is very methodical of how he takes care of any cuts and bruises and breaks.

It’s only a couple fingers that are broken anyway, and they’re in his left hand. It will be fine.

His lip is busted and his nose and left eye are bruised to hell, but he still has a week before school starts back up, that’s plenty of time for it to go down. He can just say he got into a fight, or was mugged or something. No one will care.

Batkids: *Stops everything to help Dick figure it out.*

Clark finds out about Robin's existence when a ten year old Dick Grayson in full Robin gear breaks into his apartment at two in the morning and shakes him awake because Batman's missing and Alfred's away and Bruce taught him that, in the case of emergency, Superman was one of the only people he could trust. Bruce just didn't think to tell Clark that he was, by all means, his son's emergency contact.

Clark: -wakes up to a small boy that he's never seen or heard of before in a cape and a mask with lenses that reflect light like a cat's perched on the edge of his bed in a pitch black room-

Clark, in Bruce's body, wiping some blood off his mouth and wincing at the 15 cracked ribs he now has: Guess I can bleed, huh

Dick, staring in disbelief after the patrol: YES OFCOURSE YOU CAN!? WHY THE HELL DID YOU THROW YOURSELF DIRECTLY ON TOP OF A GRENADE-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce, in Clark's body, squinting at the bright smallville sun at the Kent farm: This is way too much for 11 am

Jon, staring at his newly grumpy dad: I think batman is a bad influence on you, dad

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clark in Bruce's body, staring at his reflection in the mirror: The shoulder to waist ratio is insane, such a grabbable waist

Poor Tim, who accidentally overheard this, getting ready to call Arkham: Uhuh it's definitely, insane

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kon: And so I said, ofcourse, i would love the soup-er salad!

Bruce in Clark's body, deadpan expression on his face:

Kon: Get it? Soup-er salad?

Bruce: Yes

Kon, sad puppy expression: You always laugh at soup puns :(

Bruce, now with an Extremely Forced little smile: Yes it was very....funny

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clark, in Bruce's body, rushing to hug a visibly bleeding Jason who walked into the cave after patrol: What happened?! Are you okay?

Jason, freezing up because the last time Bruce ran to hug him was, never:

Clark, immediately backing up, and speaking with a deliberately gruff voice: I mean. Is the blood yours? Son.