riaroft

It’s just really hard to sit comfortably on anything that doesn’t have an open back, and I’ve gotten into the habit of wearing my pants really low so it doesn’t feel like the base is getting squished.. It feels like it’s getting bunched up really painfully like it’s gonna snap.

For the record, I’m about as far away from otherkin as one can get, but I used to be one, which gives me a rather strange perspective on the phenomenon. One of these days, I swear I’m going to write a book on it.

For now I’ll just add to what others have said. First, it’s interesting to note that otherkin is very closely related to Pan-Indianism and New Age totemism. The otherkin types that seem to crop up in the vast majority are animals (mythical or otherwise) that traditionally symbolize desirable qualities, assigned over the years by human folklore rather than observable animal behavior. So it’s not surprising that Wolf (Kipling), Coyote (Plains Indians), Fox (Japanese folklore), etc. are common otherkin types for people to “discover” in themselves. In fact, one of the commonly accepted ways to determine one’s otherkin species is the question, “what’s your favorite animal (although it is usually phrased ‘what animal are you particularly drawn to’)?” It will almost always be an animal (mythic or mundane) that is powerful, intelligent, sneaky, beautiful, beloved, or otherwise at the top of the food chain. After more than ten years of observing this phenomenon on the Internets, I’ve met several dozen fox-kin, but never a beetle-kin. And invariably after a few years of one “type,” an otherkin will discover a new type in themselves. I’ll leave the reader to determine the psychological implications of this. Otherkin as a group exhibit a high instance of emotional turmoil, from depression and self-mutilation to self-diagnosed MPD/DID. Many are not particularly social or do not fit in with “normal people.” Some are highly functional beings with nothing in the way of emotional problems. Connection does not imply causation.

I once heard a psychologist speculate on the origin of furry/otherkin; the phenomenon is only a few decades old (although arguably some form of it has been around longer; see animal totemism cropping up in societies without a shamanic tradition). He believed that of all things, anthropomorphic cartoons that this generation grew up with (usually as latchkey kids with a minimal amount of socialization outside of school) provided surrogate role models that children were extremely likely to adopt in the absence of working parents or friends in the “in-crowd.” These animal cartoons (found in Disney films and daytime cartoons as a staple of the 80’s and 90’s) also reinforce the traditional symbolism and folklore of the animals portrayed, which (he felt) left children to put the animal up on a pedestal and strive to be more like it.

I like to write about how I feel in ways that people see it… maybe it’s the part of me that likes attention, or maybe it’s the hope that somebody can deeply and truly help me. Let’s start with an introduction. If you don’t know who I am, my name is Kai, I am a male kitsune otherkin that has been floating around the internets for quite some time. It’s often strange to me how and why this came about…but that’s a discussion for another time.

Right now, reason why I started this tonight… is dysphoria. For any other kinfolk out there, you know what I’m talking about. For a solid week, I’ve had it pretty badly. It’s that feeling of being in the wrong body times one million. Where you want to rip off your skin it feels so bad. Yes, I believe I’m a kitsune in a human body….and it hurts…..more than many will ever know.

I stare now at this pale skin and am disgusted by it. I utterly abhor it in some ways… Not to long ago, a part of me would have found this exact notion hilarious and poke fun about it, but it has long been silent in these days.

I figure that all of this wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have all these damn phantom limbs. They are the biggest blessings and curses that I have ever had. A blessing in that they make me feel more like who I am, but a curse in that they remind me of what exactly I am missing. I want to grab those tails I cannot see. I want to pet that fur which I cannot touch. I want to scratch with claws that just don’t work the same. I want to walk on feet that have real pads to stand on!

Yes, I hurt. I hurt in the very pit of my soul. If I could change this body, I would in a heartbeat. Why is it that a once powerful kitsune would willingly accept this fate? Why did I choose this? Why doesn’t some higher being allow me to go back after I have tasted this life’s pain?

This is a struggle. Maybe there is some higher plan for all of this, but I would at least like just one of my three tails back. I would like something to comfort me when I ever feel down and doubtful…whenever I miss the body I once knew so well….

Some of you might say for me to grow up. Some may say for me to move on past these foolish feelings and desires. I’m trying to continue on as best as I can, but I can never give up what it is that I found about myself. Now that I have something to grasp onto, I will never let go.

“ZOMG I BET OTHERKIN WANT TO BE DOGS BECAUSE THEY LACK SOCIAL SKILLS WITH PEOPLE!”

Yes, that would be why I relate to myself as non-human things that would allow me to socialize in exactly the same fashion and not open up any new groups for me to socialize with. That would also explain the periods where I don’t want social interaction at all but I remain non-human.

Why, it is quite overpoweringly obvious that your ignorant speculation has struck gold! I am simply stunned. Jeeves, the emergency maypole, I wish to dance merrily! The stars were aligned just right the thousandth time I heard this shit to make it different!