Mostly wolfstar

it is a harry potter fanfic from like 2009, 160k words, 50 chapters

basically, adult Harry accidentally goes back in time and wakes up on his 11th birthday again, but with all his memories of the future intact

(the way he travels back makes no sense whatsoever but it doesn’t really matter)

harry decides upon 3 goals:

fuck up as much shit as possible

make a shitload of money

save some lives or whatever

it is

H I L A R I O U S

his go-to explanation for how he knows what’s going to happen?

he has a psychic scar

(hermione is SO PISSED about this)

(neville’s like “either he’s psychic, or he’s the greatest conman alive”)

everyone just sort of assumes harry’s insane and he doesn’t do much to dispute this

harry also decides to make it his mission in life to LOSE the house cup every year

“snape is my sole ally”

he also goes out of his way to befriend neville, ginny, and luna earlier this time, so they’re part of the gang throughout and it’s great

even draco is a friend!

(kind of)

(when harry’s not spreading a rumor that draco’s the lovechild of narcissa and snape, anyway)

harry’s motivation for everything he does in this story is basically, “oh, this will be hilarious”

either that or, “it’s probably a tax deductible”

because the way lockhart is written in this story is also amazing and harry ends up teaming up with him to merchandise The Boy Who Lived so he can have cash to burn

(so he gets a LOT of shit done via bribes)

it gets to the point where harry is able to convince everyone that he’s not the heir of slytherin…. because if he was, he’d have found a way to make money off of it

and everyone’s like “yeah ok that checks out”

in this timeline, neville’s boggart isn’t snape…. it’s harry as the minister of magic

harry also decides to make sure cedric lives by quizzing him constantly on what to do if he ends up in a graveyard

harry: by the way, that reminds me – cedric. graveyard.

cedric, not even really listening: run like hell.

the sheer magnitude to which harry does not give a fuck in this timeline is truly awe-inspiring

he mouths off to everyone, and i mean everyone. lockhart, snape, the dursleys, malfoy, friggin’ voldemort

everyone is like “what… what the fuck, harry”

(though by the end of first year it’s more like “… *deep sigh* … fine.

snape is so angry

it’s fucking hysterical and just about everyone ends up better off

here’s the link

 THE POTTER GENERATION: 10. Characters they butchered the most in the movies

try to wear the full magician costume to dudleys christening 

“you can’t wear that james”  “it’s the only way i’m going, lil”  “fine but give me your wand”  “my real one, or the fake one that shoots out flowers?”  “both, and you’d better tidy the handkerchiefs are trailing out of your trouser leg before we leave”

“I’m not a magician, marge, i’m an illusionist.”

petunia walks in on james pretending to saw toddler dudley in half for toddle harry’s amusement

actually incorporating magic into the tricks and freaking the hell out of vernon’s extended family

standing up at christmas and saying that he’d like to perform a magic trick. and vernon and petunia are HORRIFIED and lily just pours more wine but marge says ‘let him do it’ so she can mock him?? and he tries/fails to ‘vanish’ the napkins 3-4 times and it doesn’t work, until the fourth time when it DOES and it freaks the hell out of vernon’s extended family

Representation previously only mentioned in social media is now made explicit

Ron’s dialogue is now uncensored

Fixed bizarre bug that changed Arthur Rubeus Potter’s name to Albus Severus

Fixed bug which made Harry’s job say “Auror” instead of “Hogwarts’ DADA Teacher”

Harry no longer returns to the Dursley’s after rescuing Sirius and instead goes with him

Severus Snape is no longer praised nor regarded in a nice manner in any instance

Professor McGonagall’s Immortality is now implemented

Ron Weasley sacrificed himself for the good of Harry and Hermione at age eleven because even then he thought they were more important than he was, and the ones worth saving.

Ron Weasley was Harry Potter’s first friend and the first thing Harry ever had resembling a family. 

Ron Weasley lived in a cramped house and wore hand me down robes and he didn’t even think twice about offering his room and food and family to Harry every break. 

Ron Weasley took care of Harry Potter and Hermione Granger when they were too busy taking care of the rest of the world to worry about themselves. 

Ron Weasley stood on broken bones when he was thirteen years old, to tell a man infamous for murder that if he planned on killing his best mate, he would have to go through him first.

Ron Weasley was the person Harry would miss most in the world.

Ron Weasley was a pureblood wizard who, from a very young age, devoted his life to abolishing blood status, even if he didn’t quite understand his own privilege. 

Ron Weasley gave Dobby his own clothes and socks to be buried in, because he understood how important it would have been to him.

Ron Weasley thought about saving the house elves when everyone else forgot. 

“No, I need to be impressive! We’re all going to walk up to her in sync, and then we’ll all bow because she’s amazing and we respect her, and it would be an /honor/ if she accepts. And then I’ll ask her, and then she says yes, and then we walk out like the power troup that we are!”

suddenly, students are barely ever late to classes any more and there are significantly fewer incidents of getting lost around the castle

everything goes wonderfully for a week, all the professors are baffled but pleased