REVERSE THE BIPOLARITIES

So I started a job that was a little ambitious.

It required time, dedication, focus, direction and consistency. All things that my mental illness likes to fuck with.

On starting the role, I had the thought: “well, if this doesn’t work out, what’s my option b?”

As I write this, I’m no longer in that role.

And when it ended, my brain went: “guess what? you need that option b.”

I didn’t have one.

And so the black dog reared its head. And as it loped forward I saw the option it presented in its eyes.

Emptiness. The unending dark.

And it looked good.

I have seen the signs and I am taking action.

This is a post to remind you and me that hypomania ain't always a good time.

In the space of two weeks I have racked up over $500 in traffic fines, bought there pairs of headphones, yelled at everyone I love, and have come seconds away from being unemployed.

All because things weren't moving fast enough for my brain.

I'm lucky enough to be in a position where these (stupid, shortsighted) impulses will not affect me in the long term. But it's a reminder.

Managing relationships is hard.

As an adult, as someone experienced with relationships, I’d like to think I know what I’m doing.

But there’s always a curve ball.

And sometimes, you just run out of luck. And a relationship you felt connected to - that you depended on - ends.

So what do you do when a relationship dissolves?

First, look after you.

There’s gonna be the five or seven stages of grief or whatever. And then there’s all the jealousy and upsets over things not done.

The missed opportunities, the things left unsaid.

Well, you take all that crap, and you shovel on some mental health issues over the top and what do you get?

A potentially Very Bad Time.

Which is why you’ve got to get yourself good.

And I don’t mean rushing things. No jumping back into dating or hitting on strangers or indulging in stuff you know is unhelpful or burning their effigy or whatever.

I mean the basics.

Eat good food. Do a damn workout. Sleep as much as you need. Make sure your body is looked after.

Then move up a step. Tell the people who need to know. Inform your safety net. Keep people in the loop. So if you do end up going sideways, you’ve got support.

There are times when life throws everything you need at your feet.

Birds sing your praises. The sun warms your back, and a gentle breeze keeps you cool under the toughest circumstances.

Then sometimes life throws you a shit sandwich.

Neurotypical people get these days as well, of course.

Shit luck and unfortunate circumstances aren’t unique to those of us with mental illnesses.

But what makes it so damnably difficult to get over these pieces is this sense of unfairness.

The sense of HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.

I’m already tired.

I’ve been managing my reactions.

Not upsetting myself or those around me.

And now THIS?

Whatever “this” is, it’s not your fault.

Your anger at "this” is reasonable. Especially given the work you’ve already done looking after yourself.

Like all relationships, my interactions with my mental health have their ups and downs.

Sometimes we don’t talk to each other for months and then we get back together and it’s like my illness never left.

Sometimes it never leaves, and I never speak.

That’s what’s been happening for the past few months.

I crashed. Not hard. I mean, not harder than I’ve crashed before, but I crashed nonetheless. And instead of trying to force myself up, I’ve stayed down.

Eating the same food. watching the same shows. Seeing the same people.

It’s been a while since I did anything or felt useful.

But this time, I’ve taken it slow.

It feels like I’ve wasted months of my life.

There’s no feeling weirder to me than the blanket of lethargy.

This facet of depression shines oddly because it’s not painful. I’m not sad or hurting or completely numb.

I’m just unable to do things. For days or weeks at a time.

There’s this blanket in my skull that sits between effort and reward. So I still like things, but passively. Music and videos are fine, because I can consume them without effort. But anything that requires action - even reading or drawing or making food or washing - is hard uncomfortable and and unrewarding.

It’s too comfortable.

And that’s why it sucks.

I have responsibilities. To myself, to others.

I am trying to stay fit and healthy, but my muscle mass has dropped. I can see the changes in my face and body.  There’s less strength in my movements. I’m less hungry. I just want to sleep.

All I can do is rest. But rest isn’t enough.

ok yes all good info but Broach? Do you m EAN APPROACH,????

Haha nah I mean BROACH

broach (brəʊtʃ/) (verb)

Hi anon!

Caveats!

I’m not a doctor

content is based on experiences

quality of life is #1

The killer puppies over at Black Dog Institute have a super-handy PDF on the bipolar experience. It’s not enough to actually diagnose someone, but it does help put someones actions into a box you can label as “bipolar-like behaviours”.

Check it out, and if you have any questions, come hit me up.

In most cases I’ve come across, people with bipolarity get it diagnosed after a high or low phase that leaves them wondering if their experiences are normal.

This could be spending way too much money on international travel when you don’t have a job, or lying in bed drinking cheap booze from the bottle for months (while you don’t have a job).

Depression is easier to understand than hypomania. Depression is pain. The absence of emotional comfort or joy. It’s like living in a vacuum. No one enjoys it, so they are more likely to seek help

But hypomania can be like anti-depression. It can be like being high AF on LIFE ITSELF. Every choice you make is golden. In contrast to depression, you feel better than great. How could you possibly be sick?

But there’s another step here.

The first thing to note is “do you need to take action?”

Is your friend a danger to themselves? Does their behaviour endanger others? If so, then being pro-active may be a good option. You may not be popular for doing it though.

How to broach it? That’s a tough one. You could direct them to this blog, see if any of the experiences here ring a bell. OR you could pass them that PDF. Or you could sit down and be like “your behaviour is scaring me” and list out actual occurrences along with a commitment to help them out, should they wishto seek help.

Since starting this little blog thing, there’s one phrase I keep hearing and reading that really gets me riled.

“I don’t think I’m sick enough to get help”.

Just... no.

I mean I get it. There’s this fear that even by contemplating going to a medical professional you’ll be labelled as potentially mentally ill.

But frankly, that’s dumb.

First up, you need to know.

You need to know what you have in order to manage it. And if you’re not actually mentally unwell, guess what? You’re not wasting anybody’s time. You, or your insurance, or you government, are paying a dedicated professional to assess you and give you an unbiased, objective opinion.

You’re not wasting their time or your money. They do this for a living. And you need to know.

Secondly, there’s no universal constant.

It’s not like there’s this grand unwritten measure that says “YOU MUST BE THIS ILL TO RESEARCH STUFF AND LOOK AFTER YOURSELF AND CONSIDER GETTING HELP.”

This isn't a competition. Bipolarity is a medical condition. There’s no medals here.

Rule #1 - look after #1.

Comparing your experience to those of others like it’s a grade system is just unhelpful. The only comparisons that make sense are you today versus you yesterday.

Hi anon!

You are most definitely 100% not alone!

Some people get pure highs full of energy and excitement. Others get excessively turned on, and yet others experience paranoia, a sense of impending crisis, irrational anger, or irritability.

These are normal experiences in the bipolar spectrum.

One theory on bipolarity is that it has to do with parts of the brain involving sleep, fight-or-flight mechanisms, and mood. I’m not a doctor, but I think this may be why all these elements can be involved in the bipolar experience.

It might also explain how you can also have mixed states where you get elements of both high and low states in the same episode.

Hi anon!

It is possible to experienced mixed episodes of bipolarity.

However, the diagnostic definition of bipolar disorder usually involves experiencing repeated and distinct highs and lows. Different professionals have different measures, but it is the distinct and repeating factor that matters.

Without these, it is difficult to say for certain just what you have experienced.

If you have several distinct high/low phases, or repeated episodes - mixed or not - you can raise this with your preferred healthcare professional.They will help you work through your experiences to determine the cause.

Hi anon!

Bipolarity cones in many flavours.

Bipolar I tends to involve actual manic episodes. These can include full-on delusions, hallucinations, and breaks with reality. Some people believe they are touched by a deity, or have superpowers. Sleep may not be possible.

Bipolar II is characterized by hypo-mania. The “high” phase expresses itself in feelings of confidence, energy, and racing thoughts. But without the disconnect. So I may feel I’m super good looking, or more capable than I am. But I don’t experience the belief that I am genuinely more than I am. Sleep may be hard to acquire or short in duration.

Cyclothymia delivers high phases that can be intense, but short-lived. They can also be quite spread out in occurrence. So while the sleep may not be good quality - or even possible - sleepless nights are less frequent.

And there’s no real boundary between these? It’s all experiential and your symptoms define the treatment. But it’s not to say that you can’t experience a mix of intensities. You can feel intense lows that would otherwise be categorized as Bipolar I but only experience a brief spurt of confidence/energy/anger similar to Cyclothymia.

Your labels matter because they help you put symptoms in a box. But what matters more is the quality of life you are able to experience around them.

If you are bipolar and don’t experience crazy highs, that’s okay! If you feel energetic AF but can still get a full eight hours a night, great! In my thoroughly un-medical view, if it doesn’t impact negatively on your quality of life, then you don’t need to take steps to fix it.

Hi neurotypicals!

Look. I get it. You want to do your part to #endthestigma.

But it's not just “stigma” that's the issue here.

It's the ease of access to professional medical attention.

Sure, feeling like you have the right to get help - including medical attention - is a big deal. And public awareness and support helps out.

But it doesn’t matter if there is no access to said help.

If you truly want to support mental health issues then tweeting about #stigma is not enough.

I would like to suggest that you start looking at ways to make professional medical support accessible, and affordable for those that need it.

2/2I’m always screaming at people when I don’t want too, people think I’m rude but I really can’t help it. I cry for no reasons, I’m tired all the time, I’ve thought of killing myself… I’m tired of being like this, soon I’ll go to a therapist and hopefully fix myself, because I can’t keep on living like this. This week I’ve seriously considered jumping to the train rails.           

Hi anon,

It sounds like you’re doing it rough, and I congratulate you on taking positive action in response.

First, the caveats:

I’m no doctor and have no training

I do want what’s best for you

This is all just opinion backed by experience

I’m not a substitute for what you should do

Professional help always trumps what I say

It’s true that strong or heavy feels do characterise bipolarity. The feels we get can be overwhelming and compel us to act. And not acting on them feels like hell because what else are you meant to do with them?

It’s also true that some flavours of bipolarity (such as cyclothymia) do express themselves with fast, intense cycles.

These sensations can stem from a range of mental illnesses - not just bipolar. They can also come from chemical imbalances, thyroid conditions, medications and dietary issues.

If your condition is serious enough to give you suicidal ideation, then it is 100% time to start the process of diagnosis.

You’re right to be cautious of self-diagnosis, as that can lead you to take actions athat don’t bring you closer to an increase in the quality of life.

After all, that’s what we want here, right? To feel better?

So please,take this as a sign from a human who is concerned for your wellbeing - book an appointment with a healthcare professional, and start mapping out what is going on so you can start managing it. You’re the only one who can do this. and you deserve the chance to thrive. So make it happen!

And this goes for anyone else reading this response - you do not have to wait until you are “sick enough” to reach out.

That’s a tough call, anon.

Compulsive behaviour is part of my bipolar experience.

I know I feel a need for nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, and sex when I’m experiencing a high or a low phase.

It’s almost like a displacement activity.

Instead of “I’m sad and I don’t know why” it becomes “I’m sad because I drank too much” or “my heart is racing for no damn reason” it’s “my heart is racing because I smashed three espressos”.

I feel that addiction has less to do with repeated exposure and more to do with a sense of emptiness, or a lack of connection. 

Being bipolar gives me both compulsion and emptiness on a regular basis.

So I live clean.

+ “Good thing that you mentioned that I forgot. This one is for the migraines and bipolar.” While I know that various medications can be for many things, idk why she said that knowing that I’m aware that I take it for migraines and have been for the past year. And I also take Lithium, low dosage, but idk I think that she might think I have this diagnosis too. How can I approach the subject? or do I wait to have a hypo/manic episode?

Good question, anon!

I’d start by asking them outright.

Doctors are medical professionals.

In my experience doctors are more than happy to go through the logic and reasoning behind a diagnosis.

Let’s be real - diagnosis is pretty much 50% of their job. So they aren’t likely to hold back on explaining their reasoning to you, their patient, no matter how old you are.

If you feel that you are experiencing symptoms of a flavour of bipolar disorder - or any mental health issue for that matter - then speak up about it. And if anything changes, let them know.

With mental health, the professionals can only act with the information you give them.