you ever justâŚ
get jealous of little boys?
not in a pedophelic way, just in a
âwow, you have an entire part of life that i can never have.â sort of way.
because its hard dealing with the fact that you arent and never will be cis.
honest.
i cant even swallow that sentence.
its hard understanding that your life will be so drastically different and scary and dangerous than those little cis boys who didnt even ask for it
and get to spend time with mothers who dont question their behaviors
and learn to throw a football from their dad and
go play in the mud with their friends everyday while youâŚ
you gotta teach yourself.
from the beginning.
my dad never taught me to tie a tie.
i googled it and spent hours of frustration in front of the mirror
until i got so angry and mad
because
he
never
did,
because thats not something
you teach a âyoung ladyâ.
my mother doesnât introduce me
to new people as her son.
instead she chokes on thick air
as we all become uncomfortable.
i have lost so many friends,
that i sit in the parking lot of my old elementary school alone,
watching little boys play basketball
watching their families show such pride and
admiration for their sons, their brothersâŚ
we have so much more work to do on ourselves
not just physically,
with T-shots and top surgery,
but i feel that the hardest obstacle we must face
is the fact that we have to work so much
harder to love ourselves.
to learn to be socialized in ways that we
have never even thought before
and take over where we were left off.
pushed out
sitting on the edge of the road
wondering where it all went wrong.
we have so much left that
we have to learn.
how to tie a tie.
how to play football or hockey.
how to be respected.
how to shave a beard, how to not feel so emotionally out of control how to be assertive and hypermasculine and all âŚ
j u s t s o w e a r e t a k e n s e r i o u s l y .
it hurts that i dont have
what they didnt ask for.
it hurts being jealous
of a 5 year old boy
just simply walking through an airport
with his mother
sporting a bright orange flyers jersey
with broad shoulders and the ability to breatheâŚ
i know i might be screaming about nothing
but my pain is valid.
itâs clichĂŠ, but
instead of hockey jerseys,
i was forced into skirts and dresses and tiny light up shoes.
things they knew hurt me, made me
feel vulnerable and uncomfortable,
that from age 7
made me want to tear my skin off
and i am ashamed to talk about thatâŚ
instead of a loving family
having my back
i got one
that shuns the very idea
that i have become myself
and threatens,
holding my life, my future, over the balance,
in an attempt to convince me
to change.
i am right to be upset.
i am right to be jealous.
i do deserve respect.
but now,
i just have to pick up where i left off,
and learn from new people.
new experiences.
a new life.
but god, itâs just so hard sometimes.
theartofmadeline
snowghoul
baratheonpilled
pixelskylines
