🌺Nephrotoxicity🌺

Hey, feel free to call me Neph or something like that.

I’m a 19 year old with fairly tame hobbies. Never used tumblr before but wanted to start blogging so here I am. I live a boring life and I like it that way.

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Full of angst and a little dramatic but I’m still cool!

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I’ve never been a fan of labeling myself so I don’t do it often… but I’m an open book so if you really wanna know just ask me.

I plan on treating this like a personal diary so expect vents or rants. I’ll probably remain anon forever cause y’know I have a reputation to uphold and whatever…

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Interests & Fun Facts

I’m a Christian

I love reading and have a fairly large manga collection. >> +500 volumes <<

I am an absolute animal geek and currently maintain two isopod colonies, a snake, and two dogs.

I work ~50 hours weekly and I’m a subpar college student.

My music tastes are fairly diverse but I mainly enjoy emo, nu metal, metal, rock, punk and screamo kind of bands.

Closeted Christian

I might have no other choice but to die alone or marry out of necessity.

Why can’t I enjoy a love that isn’t forced like everyone else? Why do I have to preform for the rest of my life? God knows it’s not real so why do I have to pretend like my feelings towards men are something they aren’t?

What makes my love so sinful? Why can’t my love for another woman be pure and genuine like any other? What about that is defiling?

I love my God and I’m true to my faith, but my heart breaks. My friends would be disturbed, my church disappointed, and my family couldn’t accept it.

Forgive me, my love, for not holding your hand. I apologize that I cannot tell to you my true feelings. Don’t cry when I must leave. My love for you is true, but I could never expose your sweet heart to the hate within my life. Forgive me, baby, when I won’t kiss you goodbye. I wish I could hold you close, I hate to see you cry.

I can still do all the things I’ve always dreamed of. Despite my traumas, my upbringing, my set back, and my struggles. In spite of all my failures I will continue to live and for as long as I live I will continue to try.

I don’t have to do it perfect the first time around and it’s ok if I fail. Because I am more than the worst things my parents ever said to me.

I sit here in my car thinking back to the little girl I once was. The baby who learned that the world would be better off without her. The little girl who gave up. And I will continue to hold that little girl close and protect her. I will protect her like her parents should have. And I will love her like no one ever could.

When my untreated adhd and depression sinks my grades and gpa I will not despair and throw it all away. I will retake the same class a thousand times over again if that’s what it takes. I will push myself while remaining patient.

Digitizing my book log to keep track of my collection and omg. It took me over an hour just to get this little bit done AND I USED A TEMPLATE 😭

I seriously hate to label myself but this is driving me crazy.

She was late to lab and I felt disappointed, without realizing I was holding my breath waiting for her to come through the doors. When I figured she wasn’t coming I felt an odd sense of dissatisfaction.

When she eventually arrived only 5 minutes late I couldn’t even look at her, but my heart was pounding so fast I felt out of breath.

Feeling my heart race like that made me frustrated with myself. I was really hoping that maybe I misunderstood my feelings for her, but it was clear that I was right the first time around.

Normally all 4 of us walk out together but today it ended up just being us.. we decided to walk together to our cars which we never do. Although we got to hers first it felt like she was looking for an excuse to linger. She offered to drive me to my car even though it was only 4 spots away.. and I said ok.

She wants to see me again Sunday.. she gave me a ducky with a book because I noticed it in her car and I liked it. She said it could be my librarian and sit with my books. If I could I probably would be blushing. The plans were at first quick and kind of simple but she quickly built on it before I could walk away. Adding on lunch and shopping at a bookstore. She joked about buying books for me so it wouldn’t be my fault if I saw something I wanted.. I usually step into a more caring role with my friends even money wise I tend to cover things and get gifts.

The second I turned around to get in my car I couldn’t stop smiling and giggling. I’d be beet red if I were pale.

When I see gay men and women in my day to day life I feel a sort of jealousy. I know the world is opening up and becoming more accepting than it once was but it will never be for me.

I can’t have these feelings and the fact that I do is driving me crazy. I’m a Christian and so is my family. All of my friends would be so disappointed in me if they found out. I don’t even know what my family would think. I’m sure my church would still accept me but I’m also sure any homosexuality would not be.

I know my God still loves me but I also know that this kind of love is not permissible. I’m so torn. When she insisted on plans this Sunday I wanted to call it a date, but she doesn’t even know I feel this way. I wonder if she knew I had feelings like this towards women would she still be my friend? Am I misreading her? It’s so hard to know if I’m picking up on signs or I’m just hoping she means something she doesn’t.

I’ve accepted that these feeling will die with me but I’m still going Sunday. I might even dress up. She’s seen me both very fem and extremely masc, but she’s never commented on it.

I wore my reading glasses today for review and when she commented on them I swear I could’ve started a fire with the heat coming off my face.