Thoughts

On Comphet, Compallo and Biphobia

Since writing my last essay I've had the pleasure of being exposed to some great questions that got me thinking. If the root of comphet is about not liking men and being in a patriarchal heteronormative society wouldn't Asexual or Ace/Aro women also experience comphet. When I first heard this, I thought it was very interesting and brought up a very good point. As I thought about it more, the one thing that came to mind about why their experience wouldn't exactly line up with comphet is; comphet along with being about the lack of attraction to men and living in heteronormative patriarchal society is about lesbiphobia and the demonization of lesbians and lesbian relationships. Luckily I was able to hear the perspectives of a few ace lesbians but also a few non lesbian ace/aro people. They brought up a term that I hadn't previously heard of before “compallo”. Compallo is the compulsion to feel romantic or sexual feelings. The difference between comphet and compallo is that compallo is rooted in the compulsion to have romantic feelings while comphet is the compulsion to be heterosexual. Because we live in a heteronormative society, people who experience compallo will most likely “choose” to be in a heterosexual relationship or fake heterosexual romantic feelings. On the other hand I as a lesbian would experience comphet but not compallo. Although I am forcing myself to have romantic feelings when I don't, it's rooted in being a lesbian not being asexual. It may seem similar but it's not the correct term to label my experience or other allosexual lesbians experiences.

I think the struggles of asexuals often get looked over. As I've been exposed to more asexual people and their experience I learned about things I would have never realized on my own. Asexuals are taught they're broken for not experiencing romantic or sexual attraction. We're taught romantic and sexual feelings are natural which is true the majority of people do have sexual attraction and that's completely okay. What's true at the same time is that there are people who don't. They're not broken, they don't need to be fixed and they're not making it up for attention.

I see a lot of people debating on the topic if asexuality should be a part of the LGBTQ. In my opinion if any group feels safe, feels seen and can relate to the queer experience they should be considered a part of the community. Who alone can really decide what's queer or not. Asexuals are considered broken and strange by society and what could be more queer than that. I think rather than trying to gatekeep who can call themselves queer we should focus on supporting queer people and validating our different experiences.

I also have seen people talking about why do we even need these terms and distinctions in the first place? My personal belief is we need certain terms to describe unique experiences because they summarize a complex topic within a word or two. Instead of having to explain my feelings of comphet I can simply say I experience comphet and people will understand what that means. Terms like comphet or compallo aren't meant to separate and categorize queer people but instead to highlight unique experiences of certain groups. Focusing on one group's issues doesn't make other issues less important. Saying comphet is a lesbian unique experience doesn't downplay the experience bisexual women have in a heteronormative society. As I've said before bisexual women and lesbians share the pain and pleasure of loving women but bisexual women don't understand the pain of not liking men. Even if you lean towards women you are still bisexual and you still can experience sexual attraction towards men. Lesbians never will have that option. For me coming to terms I didn't like men was harder than coming to terms with the fact I liked women's Bisexual women also go through their own unique experience lesbians don't go through. As someone who has never dated men I have never gone through all of the difficulties of dating men as a queer woman. I also can't relate to the biphobia bi women may experience from people within their own community.

I want to be 100% clear that bisexual women aren't any less queer than lesbians and they are a very important part of the queer community. I also don't want to diminish the biphobia they experience. No matter if a bisexual woman is in a straight or a lesbian relationship they're still bisexual. I know the statistics that bi women are disproportionately victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. Bi women have their own experience and lesbians have their own experience and both can relate to each other while realizing they live two different experiences.

Chappell Roan “Good Luck Babe”: The song “Good Luck Babe” by Chappel Roan has blown up online. I personally love the song and I love Chappell Roan. I love seeing any sapphic media in general but especially lesbian specific media. One thing that has come along with the success of this song has been debates online. Debates about comphet, biphobia and lesbiphobia. I couldn't help but join those debates but I quickly learned short form comments aren't the best way to express your opinion coherently.

I saw this one video on TikTok that I can no longer find. It may have been deleted. In this video this bisexual woman on TikTok talked about how she kept seeing this idea that if you identify as bi but you're unfulfilled by relationships with men then you aren't bi. She also brought up how consistently marriage hasn't always been the best for women and just because she is straight doesn't mean a woman will be fulfilled by a relationship with any man. It's also biphobic to say so due those reasons. The lack of fulfillment I reference when talking about the realization that you are a lesbian is very different from the lack of fulfillment straight or bi women can experience in a relationship. A woman who likes men can be unfulfilled in a relationship with a man but that reason does not boil down to the fact that they are a man. If you are a lesbian a man could be perfect, they could provide everything, treat you amazingly, you could even have a good sex life and think you're in love but still no matter what there's something wrong. It's not him or his actions, it's the fact that it's “a him” in the first place. The reason why so many women never realize they're a lesbian is because it's so normalized to be unfulfilled in a relationship with a man. But being is a lesbian not just being unfulfilled with men but being unfulfilled with men in a way that you aren't with women. Straight or bi women have the ability to truly love and be fulfilled by a man. Lesbians do not. This is not to say every relationship is fulfilling. Just because you're with the gender you like, you like this person and you're in a relationship doesn't inherently make the relationship fulfilling. Relationships are complicated and many of them can bring more stress and pain to one's life than love and happiness.

I have seen many TikTok comments say comphet isn't a lesbian only experience and any queer people can experience and I simply do not agree. Lesbians are unique, it is the one sexuality that doesn't include men. The entire world is structured around men, this is a man's world. Women to this day in Canada and the United States can't get sterilized without their husbands consent. Realtors and car salesmen will automatically talk to the husband even if the wife is the one with the money making the purchase. When a woman gets married she takes her husband's last name. From a young age women are socialized to centre their entire life around men. From what we wear, to how we speak, even down to our interests we're taught to change it for the fancy of men. I grew up watching romance movies and I always wanted my own Prince Charming. It seemed like in every show I watched aimed at young girls the happy ending was the main girl getting the guy she wanted. We're never our own people. We are first the property of our fathers then our husbands. But isn't that the issue? When you're a lesbian there is no husband. There is no fairy tale ending, there is no Prince Charming, there's no man to stand up for you against misogynistic men in general. When you realize that you feel like a failure. You want to fit in. You want to talk with your girl friends about your boy crushes and gossip with them. You want to be one of the girls, you want to be normal, you want to like a boy. So you do. You choose one or someone just happens to be available and at first you like the attention. You like the butterflies because you've never held hands romantically before. You even think about him at night and imagine what your first kiss would be like. Then your first kiss actually happens and something feels wrong. You try again and again and nothing makes sense because you thought you liked him. Then you kiss a girl and it all makes sense. I wished I was bisexual, because I at least could've had a chance of marrying a man.

Men can be men. They don't need a wife, sure it's an add on but it's more like a trophy or an accessory they bare. Men can find success while single, they can be respected while single and they don't need their wives consent to do things. Gay men don't have to mourn privileges they will no longer gain because they are gay due to their gender. Men in general will never have to worry about so many things women do. Comphet isn't just being closeted it's about survival in society. It's about you being in denial because your entire life you've been shown there's only one way to be happy and that's to love a man and you'll never love a man. I'm sure all of these issues get even worse in more traditional cultures where men have all of the power making ability.

Bisexual women also face homophobia. I have spent much of this talking about bisexual women liking men but I do want to highlight the fact that bisexual women are also queer. Bisexual women share in the pain of being a queer women. They are often fetitzhed by men even by men they're in relationships and like lesbians assaulted due to the fact they like women. I don't think bisexual women are any less queer than lesbians but I do believe we go through different experiences. We both share the joy and pain of loving women but bisexual women will never understand the pain of not liking men.

Chappell Roan is a lesbian who makes songs about the lesbian experience. I've seen some people talk about the bridge and how they didn't realize it was about a lesbian and instead thought it was about a straight woman.

“When you wake up next to him in the middle of the night

With your head in your hands, you're nothing more than his wife

And when you think about me, all of those years ago

You're standing face to face with "I told you so"

You know I hate to say it, I told you so”

This commenter expanded by saying they just assumed it was about a straight woman who had lost her identity to her husband. I could understand how someone could come to this conclusion after one listen but I think after another few listens you can completely tell this song is about being a closeted lesbian.

This song to me almost feels like a secret summer love affair. One person wants to tell everyone and scream about their love from the rooftops and the other isn't ready to come out. They aren't ready to call what they have love because if they actually admitted it they would be admitting they never truly loved a man. They would have to come to terms with the fact they won't have a “normal” life, they won't have a nuclear family and no matter what not everyone will approve of them. These two people then split down two different paths. One accepts who they are but the other goes on to live a lie. They marry a man despite who they truly are and this bridge is the manifestation of the betrayal of your true self.

The history of the term compet started in a 1980 essay written by feminist lesbian author Adrienne Rich entitled “Compulsory Heterosexuality and the Lesbian experience”. In this essay I believe she lays out a lot of amazing points and really puts in the groundwork for the term compulsory heterosexuality. It has been over 40 years since her original essay was written and while I think a lot of points still stand the time, some I have a hard time agreeing with.

One of the main contentions I have with Adrienne Rich’s is how she frames lesbianism. I do agree that lesbianism is inherently anti patriarchy because we are the only sexuality to not center men in any way. To some extent I can understand the argument that lesbianism is inherently political. The same way I believe my existence as a Jewish is also a political statement. After thousands of years of genocide we then Jewish people are still here. The same can be said about any group that has experienced genocide. But I don't identify as Jewish as a political statement. I AM Jewish and that is the political stamens. She also believes we shouldn't use the term “lesbianism” as a stigmatized clinical term. Nevertheless I disagree with the notion that you can also identify as a lesbian as a political statement. As of late there have been many movements to decenter men. The main one coming to mind as of late is the 4B movement. The 4B movement started in Korea and the 4Bs are the 4 things they agree to never do with men. Bi or 비 means no in this context.

비섹스 Biseksu - No sex with men

비출산 Bichulsan - No having kids with men

비연애 Biyeonae - No dating men

비혼 Bihon - No marrying men

You can choose not to center men in your life while still being straight or bisexual. My identity as a lesbian and my lack of attraction to men exists outside of the patriarchy. I find it really demeaning and belittling to the lesbian experience to say people who are attracted to men can choose to be a lesbian or adopt that title because of lifestyle choices they made. This idea of the lesbian continuum where every woman experiences or that lesbianism is an extension of feminism I can't agree with. I feel like we do all share a sisterhood as a result of being victims of the patriarchy but I don't believe that is lesbianism or the correct term to refer to that. She says that people can exist on the lesbian continuum without wanting to ever touch another woman’s genitals and I don't believe that's what being a lesbian is. Straight and bisexual women do exist and what good is there in erasing their identities?

I also hate the idea that heterosexuality isn't natural. Obviously the idea that everyone is naturally heterosexual is wrong but the same way being gay is natural being straight is natural. Wanting connection and a community, romantic connection even sex is natural. I feel like this unintentionally feeds into shaming women about their sexuality and slut shaming. I agree that heterosexuality Isn't inherent to all women but it is of some and that’s okay. As a lesbian I feel proud when I see women talking about how much they love or are attracted to men sexually. For so long women were expected to be pure, to never think about things like sex and now we're finally at a stage where women are accepting their sexualities even if they are straight. At the same time I'm proud of any straight women who takes part in movements like 4B who chooses to actively decenter men in their life but that doesn't make them a lesbian. Women's sexuality has always been about men. They're supposed to be sexual when they're told and pure when they're told. Women choosing to take their sexuality into their own hands and doing what they actually want to do no matter what that is, is progress.

The 4B movement is not perfect, it is riddled with TERFS (Trans exclusionary radical feminist). I think a lot of feminist movements are inherently flawed because they focus on one subset of people. Intersectional feminism is amazing because it gives space to every single intersection of identities. As I've gotten older I've realized that I think a lot of people need to realize that not everything is for them and not everything is about them. I am an Ashkenazi Jewish lesbian. I can only relate to people who share those same traits and most people who do share one trait with me don't share all of them. You are not going to relate to everyone's experience or oppression but you can still hold space for them and let them speak. You are not going to relate to everyone's feelings or what they want to do in life but you can still respect them.

A key flaw I find in a lot of radical feminist movements is they care too much about things people do that have no direct impact on them. How does a trans woman existing affect a cis woman negatively in any way? Another extension of this is the discussions I see around plastic surgery. Why are we so quick to blame women for trying to fit in and live in a society that can be so harsh? So many women will victim shame other women in the guise of feminism. If a woman chooses to be a stay at home Mom logically we can understand no decision can be made in a bubble outside of patriarchy but we can still respect her decision if that’s what makes her happy. Choice feminism is not being freed from the patriarchy nor am I trying to say it's good but shaming women for making choices that don't negatively impact anyone else isn't any better. Shaming women for trying to survive in a society that wants us perfect or dead is counterproductive. I got into an argument with someone on TikTok and they were saying that by shaving our bodies we're trying to resemble children and therefore it's appealing to pedophiles. In addition it's imposed by the patriarchy and we wouldn't do it without societal pressure. Before I tackle the parts about patriarchy I want to talk about the pedophilic aspect. First of all I find it weird to say that people who are attracted to grown women are pedophilic because they're shaved. Pedophiles aren't attracted to adult women and adult women don't instantly look like children because they shave their vulva. Women like Belle Delphine who do actively try to appeal to pedophiles don't just shave their vulva. They wear children's clothes, diapers, wear fake braces, suck on teethers and make baby noises. You should never conflate that with a grown woman shaving. I am autistic and since I started growing body hair I have compulsively shaved. I have very very bad sensory issues and the feeling of my body hair rubbing on fabrics, even me rubbing my legs together and feeling body hair makes me literally shiver. When I brought this up to her she responded with a few points. The first was “why did sensory issues not exist 50 years ago.” I explained that 50 years ago many people did not know the vocabulary to properly explain their experience. The idea that women can even have autism has only recently been accepted. She also asked me why the hair I had sensory issues only applied to the hair below my eyes. It doesn't apply to hair just below my eyes. I can't have bangs because I don't like the feeling and I'm currently in the process of growing them out. Sometimes I style bangs for pictures or videos but so quickly I usually pin my bangs back and put my hair up in a clip. If I wear a hood I have to always put my hair up because I don't like how hair under clothing feels. That’s actually the reason why I usually never wear hoods or hats. Her response to this was to tell me to get help. I say this all to make the point that your experience is not everyone else's. Just because you've never heard of something before doesn't mean it doesn't exist and it doesn't happen. While I understand the majority of women who shave do so because of the patriarchy discounting disabled people's experiences doesn't help women, it only pushes away disabled people. Two things can be true at once.