the best people in life are free

I’m very thankful that I had this blog as an outlet throughout my teens and early twenties. This blog has served me well over the past decade as a place where I can vent my frustrations, joys, and successes. Looking through some of my old posts and reblogs is like peering into a time capsule. I can still feel what I was feeling when I made some of those posts. All the trials and tribulations of high school. Having crushes on boys, making friends, losing friends. Struggling with the usual coming of age growing pains. Struggling with my self esteem and my family dynamic. Falling in love for the first time. Graduating high school and starting college. Making new friends, losing old ones. Having my heart broken and all of the growth that went along with that. Learning how to date and dating a LOT. Going out with my friends. Traveling and trying to find myself. Graduating college, paying my own bills. Losing my way a little bit. Fucking around with my ex and getting hurt again. Learning from it this time. Depression, anxiety, and a hell of a drug trip that knocked me on my ass for a good year. Being scared to fall in love again but doing it anyway. Making it last. Healing.

I almost can’t believe it reading it back, but it all shaped me into who I am. Sometimes I go back through and read my old entries, which represent a really dark and painful time in my life. But there’s also a lot of joy in some of those posts. All I can think of is how grateful that I am that I got through it all. For all the ones I met along the way and all the happy memories I made. All the opportunities I’ve had and wonderful experiences that have shaped me into the woman I am today. I’m proud of her.

I’m going to be 27 in a couple of months, and my life looks wildly different than it did even a couple of years ago. I’m working in a field that I never thought I was smart or capable enough to handle. I have good, healthy friendships with people who love me. My finances are stable. I’ve spent three years in therapy working on myself and have no intention of stopping anytime soon. I’m in a rock solid relationship. I’m learning to actually (really truly this time, I promise it’s not just lip service) be kind to myself.

Closing my eyes, counting to three

I jump in with the rush in my head

Only to find the water was concrete

And now you’re pumping air to my lungs

This don’t feel anything like sinking

In fact, no matter how deep I go into you

as something more precious

At end of 2017 through the beginning of 2018 my life quite literally fell apart. I had just broken off an extremely confusing and emotionally manipulative “thing” with an ex-boyfriend who I loved dearly and had never truly gotten over. I also learned that I would be unable to go back to graduate school, as it was getting too expensive & becoming increasingly difficult for me to acquire private loans. I had some extremely difficult times in my family & thought my parents would split for a while, and seriously feared for my father’s mental health. I started a job at a non-profit that exploited the hell out of me and made me absolutely miserable. I had to move back in with my parents as it was becoming apparent that I would be unable to support myself.

It was just a mess. I was horribly depressed and hardly left my room for months. I would get home from work and immediately get into bed. I would spent all weekend in my room, hardly getting out of bed. I stopped taking care of myself.

It got to a point where I knew I had two options: get help, or kill myself.

I really wanted to kill myself. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. But I decided to give myself one year to give it my best shot.

So I got help. I started intensive therapy (2x a week) and medication. I started CBT and worked to retrain my thoughts. I prioritized myself— stopped hanging out with draining people, exercised, ate well, got enough sleep.

I went to my shitty job day after day and applied to jobs at night. I gave up on working in mental health and refocused my efforts on breaking to the tech field. I networked and interviewed and taught myself new skills. In November I got a new job that will actually set me up for a bright future and financial stability. I am also working for another position part-time which will give me experience I can use for freelance work.

And the best part of 2018— I started dating someone new who honestly flipped my whole world upside down and taught me what it truly means to love someone unconditionally. He showed up during the darkest time in my life and has been showing up for me and putting in the work ever since. I did not know that it was possible to love someone this much and also still feel whole.