Perspective.

Do you have a ten year plan? I didn’t. But one morning I was driving to work and got to thinking about what I wanted to achieve in life. 

Everyone wants money, a house, a nice car and the usual materialistic things, but what does you soul need? What do you crave? 

I crave the respect of those around me. To be in a position where people look up to you (not physically - I’m 6ft 7, they already do that) - to be the beacon that people look to in times of need. I want a job that commands respect, but allows me to lead, not control. 

I crave the love that my parents have shared over the last 30 years. I want to be loved for longer than a few months. I want to go to bed every night thinking of the person that’ll I’ll wake up to. He will share my life and I will share his. 

I crave fatherhood. My spirit wants to father a child, to have someone depend unconditionally upon it. I want to love someone without fear of being unloved. I want to care, nurture and support a child to grow into someone to be proud of, in every way. 

I feel lost. I am forever going round and around in circles trying to find someone to spend my time with, but when I think I’ve found that person it crashes and burns. 

Can’t ever seem to hold onto someone. They just don’t put the effort for me. Maybe I’m not worth the effort anymore. 

The problem I have is that I feel things so intensely. Anger. Love. Happiness. Depression. My brain attaches memories to songs, food, places and so my emotions can be triggered so easily.

I’ve been seeing this guy. It’s been a few weeks. But today, when he was leaving my house I had the strongest urge to tell him I loved him. That’s not normal. Or is it? Can you fall in love that quickly?

Are we just boxed up by society to set times for these things? I feel love. But I’m scared to say it because the norm is to follow the timeline set out by other people.

Have you ever needed a change so badly, that your every wish and prayer goes into it? I’ve gotten rid of all of the dating apps - grindr was the first to go. I hate the judgemental environment where my body is put before my intelligence. 

I’m over it. I’m going to wait now. i need to wait and just let it all happen naturally.

I want to get back to the gym - for me, not anyone else. I don’t want to feel forced into going to the gym because some guy thinks I’m fat. 

i need positive change. 

I’m also hoping that I got the job I applied for. I think my interview went really well. And it would be an increase in salary which I could really do with. 

I cannot celebrate pride because I do not feel pride. I do not feel the inclusivity or the gay community. I do not feel included.

Do you ever have those days where you can’t even stand to be on social media? When you’re too scared to look in case someone is doing something that you want to be doing?

Do you ever have those days where you’re scared to look at your exes social media channels? That fear that they have moved on without you and left you to be miserable and alone?

Do you ever have those where you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror because you’ve seen how beautiful a body can be and yours just isn’t?

Pride month. I am not proud. Although I am not oppressed in any way - I do not like being gay. I feel excluded and lonely.

I’ve become reckless. I’m not looking after myself the way I should be. Sleeping around. Drinking a lot. Eating anything and everything that I want. Not really taking care of my body in general. It’s been a bad couple of years - personally. Two major family deaths. Dropping out of uni (although I already had two degrees). Moving around a lot.

I need to take a moment and recoup. Ideally I’d move home for a few months and go to the gym and get super fit. Really get looked after. Save money.

But instead I spend thousands every month on living away from my parents, whilst my brother lives the high life.

I don’t know. I’ve just becom reckless and need to stop.

Being suspicious and discussing whether I’m faking illness isn’t commenting. It’s bitching. This lovely, sweet guy dropped presents off for me to make me feel better, as I’ve been ill for the last couple of days. I’ve been off work. It was nice that someone cared enough to check in.

Isn’t it incredible how your mental and physical health are connected. For example, today I have woken up with severely swollen glands in my neck, a temperature that’s making me sweat profusely and an all over body ache. I haven’t been able to go to work, as I just don’t have the energy to move let alone stare at my computer and work on a database. All of this has contributed to the overall feeling of loneliness and depression today. I feel rotten. I feel really quite alone. 

And to top it all of you get those people from work who message you saying you’re “skiving” or pulling a “sicky”. They don’t understand that actually, you’ve spent most of the day going in and out of sleep, in between which you’ve incredibly depressing thoughts whilst feeling ridiculously claustrophobic because you’re stuck in the house. I’ve got no food in, nothing to drink but water. No one to come and look after me. 

At the moment, I’m feeling larger than I have done for a while. Nothing major. But I started a job that offered free catering for breakfast, lunch and dinner - which essentially meant a free for all, all day everyday.

I have noticed the weight. I’ve acknowledged the weight. But now I need the weight to be gone.

I feel within the LGBT+ community, at the moment more than ever, if you don’t have a rocking body and a chisseled jaw line, then you’re judged harshly. Society dictates that you should look like Gus Kenworthy or some other “gorgeous” gay guy.

I’m feeling the strain on my body image - I’ve been single for a while and any prospective guys have met me and obviously felt I wasn’t worth the hassle. (3 blocked me on all social media platforms - another story for another time).

Wounded - I feel myself struggling to get out bed for the fear of being judged on the way I look. This has been an issue for a while, as I lost my hair really early - it started falling out when I was 19 and by the time I was 23 I had had to shave it all off. I’m ginger - which I’m okay with now. I’m 6ft 7 (201cm) which means I get stared at, a lot. And finally, I’m currently going through Invisalign dental treatment.

There’s a lot going on.

I want to go back to the gym and swimming - but worry about what people think when I step on a treadmill. I see old photos of my body and think - I need to get back to that - but how do I do that when I’m crippled by the my current body image.