There was never enough room for the two of us.

the solution is to not gaf

It's all I'm good for. This is the only thing I can kind of do without looking like a failure. It's the only thing I can do that MEANS anything. I can't lose this, too.

I'M SO FRUSTRATED. WHY CAN'T I DRAW? WHY CAN'T I? I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING FOR SO LONG. I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR SO LONG. SO IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. I DRAW ALL THE TIME. I MAKE LITTLE DOODLES AND SHARE THOSE. BUT FOR SOME REASON, WHEN I TRY REALLY HARD TO MAKE A FINISHED, POLISHED PIECE, I CAN'T MAKE ANYTHING AT ALL. IT TURNS OUT LOOKING DISGUSTING. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

NOTHING I CREATE IS GOOD ENOUGH TO SHARE WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I ALWAYS TRY SO HARD TO MAKE THINGS THAT ARE "GOOD" BECAUSE I WANT TO SHARE MY IDEAS, BUT I CAN'T. NOTHING I MAKE IS GOOD ENOUGH. EVEN THE THINGS I'VE SHARED... I HATE IT ALL. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ART? WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING ABLE TO DRAW CORRECTLY? WHY CAN'T I DO THAT ANYMORE?

im so fucking angry i cant do this. i had ONE mentally stable day. ONE. ONE OUT OF EVERY DAY THAT I'VE EXPERIENCED IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I'VE FELT GENUINELY CONTENT IN SO LONG. NOW IT'S GONE. IT WAS SO PEACEFUL. NOW I'M ANGRY AGAIN. I'M ANGRY AT MYSELF. I'M ANGRY THAT MY CREATIONS AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. I JUST WANT TO FIT IN, BUT I CAN'T DRAW CORRECTLY. I CAN'T. IT'S LIKE I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ART. I CAN DRAW BUT NOT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE. EVEN PEOPLE WITH LESS "SKILL" THAN ME HAVE BETTER ART AND CREATIVE EXECUTION THAN I DO. I DON'T GET IT. WHY DO I ALWAYS FAIL? WHY CAN'T I MAKE SOMETHING I'M PROUD OF?

SOMEONEEEEEE IS BEING TOO INSISTENT THAT I SHARE. WHEN WERE MY THINGS EVER YOURS? THINK YOU CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME? CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S MINE AND YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS DISTURBING MY PEACE?

and then when i tell people this theyre just like "aw dw im here for you :(" and then they arent. they either arent or as soon as i show even the slightest signs of happiness theyre like okay this guy's normal again there's nothing wrong with him time to bombard him with 199999 requests and messages and ask him to (guilt him into) vc! I HATE IT. and also the thing where i vent and the main portion of people's response is "Me too man lol" MY VENT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. i ALREADY KNOW you feel the same. can i just. get some other repsonse that isn't about yOUR feelings. it can't ever be about me, can it? the last time i felt genuinely listened to was in december and i find that incredibly sad. you're rarely ever curious about me. you only text me about things you like and are excited for. what about... me...? what about me. even fuckign elias does better than you. i write my heart out when you do anything but i just don't get the same treatment. so maybe.. if i treat you like you do me. you'll understand.

i want to kill myself but i don't want to die. i want to have a happy life with people i love but that's not how it is. that's not something i can afford to have and i physically cannot even work for it right now. this fucking sucks. i feel like i was just made to suffer

with these insensitive people i am too sensitive. with those sensitive people i am too insensitive. will i just... always be wrong? will i never find my 50/50? will i always be disrespected, hated, and angry? i can't even be truthful or neutral with the people closest to me. i'm always mad or upset or idolizing, and i never truly have a settled state. i can't just be content with anyone. i have to feel extreme or feel nothing

i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this for

rules to live by 1) keep drawing 2) let my rage lead me 3) never forget my rage 4) rage check 5) remember where my rage comes from

i used to make music too but music theory pisses me off so i stopped wanting to pursue that LOLOLOL i just make it whenever i want to now. without restrictions and silly things such as "Time Signature And Also Chord Progression"

the good thing is that ive been drawing a lot :) i don't know how much better my art has gotten but i have been drawing a lot. i know that's a good thing. i've been trying my best to learn.... i wish i could see how much i've improved.... but a good thing is i've been starting to like my art a bit again, so maybe i have improved? i just have to realize that when i draw something that looks okay in theory, maybe it's because my brain has 'caught up'. i NEED to keep drawing... i want to go to art school so bad. i don't know when, i don't know how. i don't even know what i'm gonna do after i take it. what do people do after they take it? i'd love to be a storyboard artist or a character designer or someone who just does commissions. or an animatoorrrr or something. considering i've dabbled very lightly in 3d models i could make models and ik those get u good money. i also just enjoy creating models and stuff! though its only v*oid for now which isnt. very specific with its character designing stuff. it's alright. i'm just still thinking of who i want to be.... i went through a big phase of going 'maaaybe i shouldn't do art as a career' and though i do get where i was coming from, it's about the only thing i'm good at

i know this just Happens every now and then where i'm filled with so much emotion that i can't feel anything at all. maybe i'm grateful that i can feel this angry. because sometimes i can feel again afterward... and my head is slightly clearer.... but to start i want to complain about how fucking horrible i feel about my own creations. i feel like i cant make things that mean anything anymore. i can't do anything anymore. i just sit here. because everything is so scary... everything is so overwhelming... and i have so much to do. i have so much to go through. i knwo what's to come and i'm so fucking scared. i know i should just go through with it anyway because it can only get better from here but what's coming is so scary i don't know what to do. i completely freeze and i dont do anything. i havent done anything for a very long time. "am i just going to be stuck like this?" no. i wont be. i will do something at some point. but rihgt now i feel like nothing

it's such an overwhelmingly bitter feeling that it turns to pure rage. i know what it is. I know what it is. I know what it is.

go jump off a roof you dumb bitch being a corpse to clean up is the only thing youre good for