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it kills me how fucking gentle ilya is with his father when he can't remember things. like, that man treated ilya like dogshit, he was cruel and abusive and made ilya and his mother miserable for years. Yet when his father is sick, ilya is kind. he is gentle to the man who never was with him.
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As someone whose dad often criticised me by comparing me to my mother - "stupid like your mother" was an often heard phrase aimed at me every time I messed up during my childhood - it breaks my heart to think of Ilya growing up after Irina died and only ever hearing mentions of his mother when his father berates him. And I'm thinking about how he tried to speak up in defense of her only once, before quickly learning the lesson that you don't talk back to Grigori Rozanov. The red handprint on his face was reminder enough.
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But then he and Shane become boyfriends. Ilya tells Shane about Irina. Eventually, he shows him a photo, the only one he managed to find and hold on to after Grigori got rid of every other trace of her after she died. And Shane holds the physical copy in his hands delicately - the photo yellowed and creased at the edges, very obviously handled with love and reverence every time it gets taken out - before he looks back at Ilya with a sweet smile and says, "You have her hair. And you smile like her." And it's the first time in so long since someone compared Ilya to his mother with love and affection in their voice instead of scorn and disappointment. He clings to Shane as he holds his tears at bay for a long time before he finally doesn't feel fragile enough to shatter into pieces anymore.
Y’all Ilya WAS the favourite child.
A lot of times in media when there is a depiction of an abusive household it’s almost always from the pov of the least favourite child, but Ilya was not the least favourite!
Repeat after me everybody
BEING! THE! FAVOURITE! DOES! NOT! SAVE!YOU!
More HR as textposts:
we all know shane probably hates grigori rozanov even though rachel never says it outright (manifesting in unrivaled god i wish), but i think way more about the fact that shane probably resents irina too, just a little, in a way he would never let ilya see. ilya loves her with the sanctification of a twelve-year-old who outlived his mother and froze her in time at her kindest, softest angles. and she was loving and gentle and a stabilizing presence in his life. that’s real.
but i can’t stop thinking about shane, from the outside, looking at that story and feeling something sharper underneath the sympathy. that she never left his father. that ilya almost certainly got beaten by her husband and she couldn’t stop it. that her dying, and worse, ilya finding her like that, carved something into him so deep it never fully healed. that it didn’t just hurt him once, but rewired the way he thinks about his future, like he’s destined to live out her life or die the way she did, like doom is hereditary. when shane knows it isn’t. when shane knows other futures are possible and ilya is not cursed to repeat anything.
and i think part of that anger is personal. shane grew up with yuna, who would have gone to war for him over literally anything, who was loud and relentless and unembarrassed about protecting her kid. so looking at ilya’s childhood through that lens, through a mother who would have burned the world down to keep her son safe, how could he not feel something twist in his chest about a woman who couldn’t?
it’s not fair, exactly. grief makes saints of people and villains of circumstances, and irina was trapped in her own ways too. but i think the hollanders are far enough removed from ilya’s childhood to see the damage more clearly, and shane is too overprotective, too in love, not to feel at least a little anger on ilya’s behalf. not at her, exactly. but at the world that failed him, and at the fact that she couldn’t save him from it. anyway. complicated shane feelings abt rozanov family lore. i sit w this often
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on one side of the world, david hollander is worried neither his son or his wife is going to make it through this labour.
on the other, irina rozanova is cradling her belly to protect her little boy from his father, before he has even met the sun, let alone the beast he will share a home with.
on one side of the world, david and yuna hollander are finally walking out od this hospital, hand in hand, as they listen to nurses sing about their beautiful boy going to the zoo today.
on the other, irina rozanova accepts her perfect ilyushka into her arms, while grigori rozanov is somewhere in a pub, not yet aware his second son has arrived.
on either side of the world, shane hollander and ilya rozanov are loved.
on one side of the world, irina and ilya go for ice cream after his first hockey practice. just them, and its the best day of five year old ilya's life.
on the other side of the world, shane laces up his skates 3 times and clicks his heels together so that his friends will be nice to him today. yuna watches as he gets pushed over by the other five year olds and worries he may never fit in.
on either side of the world, ilya rozanov and shane hollander are loved.
on one side of the world, ilya is convinced that all of russia could hear his scream when he finds his mother dead.
on the other side of the world, shane hollander is swept into a hug as he announces that he is the new captain of his 12u hockey team. this is the best day of 12 year old shane's life.
ilya rozanov is no longer loved, and he isn't sure he ever will be again.
i need people to understand really quickly that ilya did not, in any circumstances, grow up in poverty. by the time ilya was born in 1991, grigori was around fifty. he was a colonel working for the ministry of internal affairs and has had the title for ≈8-10 years by the time ilya was born. that would grant him at least a huge ass three bedroom in central moscow from the government. the 90s barely touched them because he was in a very high governmental position. grigori gave bribes and took bribes. they had food and money, much more than a regular citizen. i understand the appeal of a tragic post-soviet growing-up-in-poverty backstory, but it’s just not the reality for the rozanovs.
Shoutout to Grigori Rozanov for dying right at the point in Ilya and Shane's relationship at which they had just reconnected and were primed to be brought closer together by Shane helping Ilya get through the difficult time with both emotional support and Skype sex (with glasses on)
