momento mori

You did good this weekend. I am so proud of you for putting up boundaries and actually holding to them. Thank you for playing in the dirt with me and showing myself how to love myself by cleaning myself up. Today was a hard day. I cried and listened and my heart broke by how much love was not displayed, but all in all you stopped worrying what other people thought of you. And by other people, you mean that person who never gave you what you needed ever. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for rescuing the little girl who was put on blast as a young child who didn’t know any better. Please continue to save me. I am trusting you to save me. I am in charge of how I control myself and my conduct. No one else’s. Don’t let people walk all over your boundaries. If you get scared or anxious, just look to me. I know I have let you down, but trust me to know I hear your hurts and I see your pain. You are safe here.

I will always try to equalize the injustices of my past. I will always try to right the wrongs I committed. It weighs heavy on my heart to know the way I acted because I truly didn’t know any better. It breaks my heart to know that I didn’t have the skills to be better prepared. I struggle with not allowing myself with love and so I struggle with allowing giving others love. And let me be clear, this isn’t just others, these are best friends. These are number fucking twos.

I don’t know how to bridge the gap between the perceived image of who I once was and who I am now. And I keep extending olive branches and they keep getting ignored and my first thought I always “why should they talk to you, you’re a raging bitch who doesn’t fucking care anyways.” And it’s like, the thought was correct. I’m capable of being honest with myself and admitting that I was horrible and petty and bitchy to most if not all of my friendships. And they are entitled to not speaking to me, they truly don’t owe me shit.

But today, right now, I so badly want to right the wrongs. Because it wasn’t right. And it’s my responsibility to take ownership of the fucked up shit I do. It’s my responsibility to apologize.

But I can’t make them do anything. I can make decision on my end though to extend forgiveness to myself. To at least, be at peace with myself.

So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna do the work and show up for myself before anyone else and work on my art project and do a lot of yoga and probably take a nap because wow, I got up at the crack of dawn this morning and just stay in my own lane and really cultivate the love my body is desiring within me first before I ask it of other people.

The single most loving thing I can do for others, is to love myself first. The single most loving thing I can do is to not put any thought into the actions they do or don’t do.

Today is a day of rest, peace, and stillness. For loving myself exactly in the place that I am in. Because while I am disappointed in my behavior of the past, I am empowered to do better and to love fiercely and seek peace when it affords me.

This is what I can do today. And it is enough.