MACALO

call me macalo with shi/hir && bun/buns. i am bodily an adult, yet an ageless teen in headspace. introject, doubles dni + sourcemates iwc. this blog is mostly just me venting about my system's ramcoa trauma. specific details will be withheld obviously for our safety. i may post random stuff here that isn't venting/related to our ramcoa trauma too, we'll see.

the vent below the cut features topics such as: sui ideation, fantasies about s/h, etc. this is just a vent, do not take anything under the cut as more than mindless rambling. take care of yourself, dear reader.

i think that i have some sort of "programming" that is related to my system's fear of abandonment and/or trauma surrounding being abandoned. i put the word programming in quotations because it doesn't feel like other programs... it feels like programming "lite" essentially? i don't want to be abandoned again. i don't want to go through that again... especially with one of the two we consider closest to us. i'd rather die (quite literally) than go through that again.

what did i do to deserve what happened to me? it wasn't an act of god. god wouldn't let that happen to me, right? so why? why did it happen to me, a supposed daughter of god? i must have sinned. i must have done something horrible and unforgiveable. i'm sorry, god.