Recklessly Optimistic

I have some toxic ass in laws. We had a “family meeting” via FaceTime tonight that absolutely did nothing. They have all flat out said they don’t like me. Because I said Black Lives Matter.

The way I have come to understand it is like this: they are orange man supporters, and it is typical of his supporters to demonize the other side. So, even though they knew from the start that my partner and I don’t like orange man at all, they still liked me. BUT as soon as I said something that, for them, the “other side” says, it means I must be one of the Terrible, Awful People (I.e. liberal/democrat/etc). Now, they are making shit up to fit their idea of me as a Terrible Awful Person.

I’m bad because I’m quiet and reserved and don’t talk much.

I’m bad because I don’t think it’s safe to go back to school in person.

I’m bad because even though I have a masters degree, I’m not very smart.

I’m bad because I’m arrogant.

I’m bad because I said Black Lives Matter so I must also believe ACAB and Defund the Police and Fuck the Police, etc etc.

I’m bad because I live in la la land because I think that working to fund communities with better wrap around resources that there would be less crime.

Nothing I say or do will ever change their minds. They will manipulate everything I say or do to make it fit their idea of me. They’re never going to like me. And honestly, fuck it. They will never know me, and that’s their loss.

I know my partner hasn’t accepted that yet. She still thinks we can solve this and get over it and they will like me one day. I am extremely doubtful. I have no faith in them.

It’s almost laughable, except that it’s also devastating. She said she feels like she has no family anymore. And that’s heartbreaking. But she might be right. And I hate that I feel responsible and guilty about it. I know they had family issues before I came around, but it sure feels like it’s all my fault.

It’s all just hard right now. I’m trying so hard to be okay. I’m trying so hard to be strong. But inside, I’m really just barely keeping my chin above water, nearly drowning in guilt, stress, and anxiety.

I’ve thought a few times, briefly, that maybe we should break up. But these problems would still remain. Her mother would never let her really be happy unless she gets to play puppet master. And I love this girl so much and want her to be happy. And if leaving won’t ever do that, we will get through this together.