Get Your Read On

This sounds so harsh, but please bare with me.

I procrastinated a lot growing up. I still procrastinate today, but less so. And yet, I got good grades. I could write an A+ paper that “knocked [my professor]’s socks off” in the hour before class and print it with sweat running down my face.

I was so used to hearing from teachers and family that if I just didn’t procrastinate and worked all the time, I could do anything! I had all this potential I wasn’t living up to!

And that’s true, as far as it goes, but that’s like saying if Usain Bolt just kept going he could be the fastest marathon runner in the world. Why does he stop at the end of the race??

If ANYONE could make their top speed/most productive setting the one they used all the time, anyone could do anything. But you can’t. Your top speed is not a speed you’re able to sustain.

Now, I’ve found that I do need to work on not procrastinating. Not because the product is better, even, but because it’s better for my mental health and physical health to not have a full, sweating, panicked breakdown over every task even if the task itself turns out excellently. It’s a shitty way to live! You feel bad ALL the time! And I don’t deserve to live like that anymore.

So all of this to say, I’m not wasting a ton of potential. I don’t have an ocean of productivity and accomplishments inside of me that I could easily, effortlessly access if I just sat down 8 hours a day and worked. There’s no fucking way. That’s not real. It’s an illusion. It’s fine not to live up to an illusion.

turns out i’m just the youngest person in the class by about 30 years so the deduction wasn’t that hard

anyways, apparently people keep taking the welding class over and over again and the wait list is like 100 people long and so it was by some act of providence of pure dumb luck that I managed to get a spot. This also means I was the only person there who hadn’t welded before.

I’m stationed at a big center table where the teacher can keep an eye on me, and everyone else is in booths on the surrounding walls each making their own projects. And these are impressive looking projects. One guy is making a side table, a woman is making a giant metal rocking chair, and another guy was making a wind chime out of old compressed air canisters. 

The elderly gentlemen in the booth right behind me introduces himself to me as Jim and asks me if this is my first time and I say yeah and he smiles at me and tells me I’m gonna love it and how this class is so fun.

Immediately Jim becomes my new best friend. He comes over whenever I stop to take a break and asks how I’m doing and even helps me take the welding mask off when I couldn’t figure out how to do it myself. 

at one point i see Jim and another old guy talking to the teacher and i catch the old guy pointing at me. now being pointed at is usually never a good thing. the teacher has had me welding edges of scrap metal together so I can get a feel for the equipment. The teacher comes to check on me and I jokingly as him if those seasoned guys were making fun of me. 

Turns out I’m super good at welding and the old guy didn’t believe it was my first time welding ever and Jim was trying to convince him I was a newbie. :D

So for the entire 3 hour long class, like 15 middle aged and elderly people would periodically come by my table and check in with me, making sure I’m having fun and asking me questions about my life, and things like, do you know where the drinking fountain is, making sure I’m taking breaks, looking out for me and that kind of thing, all while being completely kind and supporting and complimenting me on my welding skills. 

the other elderly gentleman’s name is Gino and spoke with a thick Italian accent and took to calling me Bella for the rest of the semester. Jim made sure to always take the booth closest to me. 

Another guy in the class named Mike did salvage diving as a hobby and always showed me pictures of the cool stuff he’d found. He also made very cool sculptures out of spoons, forks and knives. I at one point made an offhand joke that I was moving soon, and was jealous that Mike had all this cutlery to spare to make sculptures out of. (I was going to be moving in with my boyfriend and neither of us really had a lot of kitchenware) The next class he brought in an entire cutlery set insisting that he was trying to clean out his house because he had so many and wouldn’t take no for an answer. We still have them to this day :)

They had cupcakes waiting for me on my birthday and on the last day they had framed picture of me with my final project because “it’s important to celebrate your successes” and encouraged me to give it to my mom (which of course I did, along with my cattail sculpture)

like here’s the thing. there IS a well-known past of queer erasure in the historical field. and I wouldn’t suggest that it’s completely fixed now, don’t get me wrong

but things have changed since the 1950s, folks. I know more queer historians and GLAM workers (galleries, libraries, archives, museums) than straight ones- including me

furthermore, this joke has turned into an excuse to take the nuance out of historical narratives, in a way that really disturbs me

because no, we CANNOT just assume someone was queer just because they [never married/had certain interests/were affectionate with a same-gender friend/presented aesthetically in a way that was counter to their birth-assigned gender]. it’s a huge oversimplification of the vast diversity of human experience, which often totally ignores the broader context of a person’s life to force them into modern identity categories

there are many situations where we can comfortably say, “Okay, this person was what we’d now call queer.” but there are even more where we can’t

if a modern historian seems cagey about a person you think is “clearly gay,” it’s probably because there genuinely isn’t enough evidence to say one way or another. and so, to make a hard call would be to risk potentially misrepresenting that person- which is something we all really try to avoid doing

the tiresome joke not only erases queer historians and the real, important work being done in that sub-field. it also makes people think the only reason for not definitively saying a historical figure was queer is intentional homophobic erasure

crows have been documented holding ‘funerals’ for many years. however, researchers suggest that they may not be mourning; evidence indicates that crows may be examining the body & surrounding area for potential threats to the rest of the flock.

…….it’s a fucking autopsy and criminal investigation.

You might even call it

grimdark says “we are all going to die. the universe is cold and empty.” hopepunk says “yes, and the greatest act of defiance against the dark is kindness.”

grimdark says “nothing can save us forever.” hopepunk says “something can always save us today.”

grimdark says “in a hundred years, we will all be dead and forgotten.” hopepunk says “yes, but here and now, we are alive.”

grimdark says “there is no hope. there is no mercy. there is no justice.” hopepunk says “but there is us.”

hopepunk says  “the universe has done all it can, and we are still alive.”

30.10.21 // I really miss working in coffee shops. Really really badly.

But today’s the day everyone!! Graduation day! Obv I am going to the market this morning, as I do every Saturday. Then I think I’ll visit a coffee shop. And then off to my parents to watch the prerecorded YouTube video that they’re calling graduation.

Here’s to another covid grad!

Mass deportations were wrong under Trump, and they are still wrong now. This is heartless. But somehow, many of the same people who were (rightfully) calling out Trump for his mass deportations are suddenly on mute now.

The Biden administration’s policy of mass deportations and telling non-European asylum seekers “do not come” doesn’t magically stop being racist just because a Democrat is doing it now.

Be consistent.