A love letter to the contradictions of Sawamura Eijun
Caveat: there was no real point to thisâŚI just wrote until my brain was quiet đ
Second caveat: this is very much my projecting onto a character and very much influenced by how I write him
Although we donât know what exactly Eijunâs family does, itâs pretty clear that this isnât a baseball legacy family. Which means as the only son of a Japanese family, Eijun is likely experiencing a lot of unspoken societal pressure. To support his family moving forward, to continue the family business, etc. While itâs clear his family is extremely supportive of his dreams, he likely still shoulders a lot without addressing it. As the eldest daughter of an immigrant family, I resonate with some of those societal pressures. We never see any explicit details of stress associated with his family, but I cannot imagine that affording to send their high school kid to an out of province school would be cheap, so maintaining his baseball scholarship is paramount. We know he wants to fulfill his middle school teamâs dreams, so its likely heâs also shouldering the belief that he needs to succeed to keep his family from being disappointed in him, or shattering their dreams. When I got into university, while my parents never outwardly said it, there was definitely a silent pressure of me succeeding where their dreams werenât. Parents work hard for their kids to succeed after all.
Not to mention the fact that at the start of the story, Eijun is not a powerhouse baseball player. Heâs passionate, but even he is aware of his shortcomings. So now heâs leaving everything heâs ever known on the off chance that maybe heâll be good enough. Boy the stressâŚ. On top of that, heâs the epicentre of a friend group and dragging them further into what is their hobby but his obsession and meaning in life. First he failed as a friend, captain, and ace to get them to the top and now, from his perspective, heâs âabandonedâ them for loftier goals. He simply cannot disappoint his friends who supported him with everything they have.
Then when he gets to Seidou, he doesnât find the unrelenting and constant support and camaraderie he had back home. He finds teammates who donât wake him up after making him play video games all night, he finds a teammate who will rat him out, and a coach who canât afford time for leniency or understanding. And itâs not to say that Eijun doesnât make mistakes or that the team is being unfair/rude. But the social whiplash of friends who love and tease him, to people who donât know him pulling pranks? Teachers who know Eijun since childhood and understand how the boy behaves, versus a coaching team who are dealing with 100+ teenagers? Itâs not easy.
Now, Eijun makes friends easily - innately kind, friendly, passionate and outgoing. Not surprising he draws people in like a moth to light. And over time he gets better at baseball, at becoming a person the team can rely on. He practices, practices, and practices. Until the grooves of his fingers have imprints of the ball permanently present. Surely, heâs getting the respect of his team, the coaches? Heâs not ace material yet, but heâll get there definitely.
And then the game with Inashiro, the yips arc.
Back home, his friends and family love him because heâs been there forever. Even if Eijun had no baseball, his family and friends would never stop loving him. We might never see it, but I sincerely doubt that Eijun would have reached out to his family/friends for support in this time. I honestly donât think he would find it helpful longterm. Because he has a different demon now - canât pitch to the inside, which means he canât really play baseball at the level he wants to. Which means he canât support the team (bells ringing at abandoning a second team). I donât blame the teenagers for not knowing what to say to Eijun or how to comfort him; these are children, Eijun doesnât come to them for support or even act close to how their expecting, and they think space might be helping. But I canât help but think that from Eijunâs perspective, that this is the final nail in the coffin. He wasnât good at baseball before, but at least heâd started to become useful to them team. So maybe he can find his place here the way he was able to at home? But now he canât even be useful, why would they love him? They only know him in the context of baseball. So itâs no surprise that Ochiaiâs words sink into his head - how else can you be loved if youâre not useful?
I canât even imagine the clusterfuck that goes through his mind when he finds out about Miyukiâs injury and how long the catcher hid it. To be clear, Miyuki owed Eijun nothing, and Miyuki is an idiot no matter what for hiding the injury. But again, from Eijunâs perspective, the anxiety of watching someone he respects and cares about hiding an injury and not at least telling him, his âpartnerâ? Anxiety is a bitch.
Thereâs so many times in the story where Eijun could easily feel less than, feel unwanted, or having not âearnedâ the respect heâs fighting for. Seeing the focus on Furuya when Eijun needs to practice as well; getting subbed in so late when Furuya is floundering only for Eijun to do incredible? A less anxious person would likely be offended. I canât help but imagine that Eijun actually feels a bit guilty - he wasnât good enough fast enough to start the game, to show the coach that he was the better option; but also his friend was suffering and all he could focus on was pitching.
Itâs obvious that when Eijun is uncomfortable or nervous, he gets formal and loud. He fights back when people tease him, and heâs deeply emotional. As someone very similar, it sounds like he hides his hurt and anxiety by becoming the centre of attention. By being loud and drawing the attention that way, itâs harder to see his nerves. No wonder itâs shocking when heâs finally quiet during the yips arc, or when he sits away from the team to try and analyze the game himself. Heâs the teamâs mood maker, but also he gets to hide himself a little whenever heâs loud which means when heâs quiet, that part of him gets to take a bit of a rest. Itâs not to say that Eijun isnât a loud person, but the loudness of a happy person and loudness of an anxious person are very different.
Thereâs a lot of bravery in feeling so much all the time, putting yourself out there to be harshly criticized and still striving for the thing you love.
