SINS LIFE

My Inner Desires

When I first met Johnny 4 years ago I was pretty much sexually innocent. I had only slept with a handful of men (which is still true) and although I have always adored sex, I was kinda a prude at the time. I remember the first night we ever fucked my mind was blown… the intensity of how he fucked me, the shock of seeing the size of his big veiny cock, the ways he pushed my sexuality that night. The pain of his massive cock penetrating my sore pussy the morning after and the fact that it didn’t matter because my pussy already belonged to him and he could do with it what he wanted. I was hooked, and still am. Since then I have remained loyal to only his cock, always by my choice. So many people have and continue to accuse him of “holding me back” or “not allowing me” to fuck other men. But that’s so completely opposite of what’s actually true, like most assumptions people make on the internet. The truth is he supports me no matter what I choose to do, and he tells me that every day. For me I was just happy having 1 big cock to share with all the women that I adore - as everyone knows I am obsessed with women and have never felt the need to fuck another man. Until now.

This post has been kinda hard to write so I’m just going to write it and not go back and edit it or I’ll just keep deleting everything I say so I’m sorry for any typos lol.

Ever since moving to Las Vegas from our former home in Maui I have admittedly totally lost my way. When I lived in Maui, I worked out with my personal trainer 5x a week, I did yoga almost every day, and I counted every single calorie I ate 6 days a week with 1 epic cheat day. I had never been happier than this. I was so healthy and my body was getting better and better every day and I felt so good about myself. I know it might seem like a lot of work to count all your calories and macros every day but I had such a good time doing it, and I never felt gross after a meal and I felt so ACCOMPLISHED. My head was so clear and happy and I was SO healthy phsyically and emotionally... and I never got sick or felt gross or bad about myself.

When we moved here I immediately started working so much (29-30 days a month) that I didn’t have time to workout, and definitely don’t have time to count my macros and eat clean because it’s just simply easier to grab something on the go. I started drinking a lot. When I feature dance (for those who don’t know, feature dancing means strip clubs hire pornstars to “feature” dance/host their club for the night) I have to get so fucked up to deal with feature dancing that it’s really not healthy, and that’s why I have decided to quit feature dancing all together. My last show is in Vegas at the end of October and then I am done. I am an addict by nature and just can’t handle being in that environment without getting too fucked up, it’s as simple as that. So now I eat whatever whenever, gross fast food and garbage food in general and I don’t work out and I get fucked up. It’s exactly opposite of how I was in Maui. And I need to change that!!!!!!!

More importantly than losing all my fitness progress, I have really lost my way in my head. I am nervous, anxious, and although I’m still the happy person I always was, I’m not even close to as happy as I was. I started arguing with people I love, and just generally haven’t been as good as a friend to myself to anyone else. I have lost my way you guys :(

I want to first of all say that I really do love shooting porn, especially for my own company. I really love it. I am in no way blaming porn for me losing my way... and I aim to prove that by just GETTING BACK INTO MY GROOVE. All I need to do is FOCUS on myself and my health. I think that quitting feature dancing is something that I need to do for my health, and is necessary for my health and if I just get back to working out and counting my macros again I can get back to where I was psychically and emotionally when I was living in Maui. Feature dancing also meant I was travelling a lot which meant I was never home and it was really hard for me. I’m not saying other girls can’t handle this but for me I can’t and so that’s why I’m stopping the featuring. I had a blast while it lasted though!!!!!!!

I just need to center myself again.

SO anyways, just writing you guys because it was a huge part of YOU GUYS that helped me on my Fitness Journey before, so I guess I’m looking to you again to help motivate me, and I hope I can motivate you again too!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Kissa

So after a crazy weekend of being unhealthy and regretting everything I ate, I decided that I need to get back on the healthy wagon. I will write more in my next blog post about how HORRIBLY off track I’ve gotten since moving back to Vegas from Maui, but for now here is my first attempt at my first vegan meal.

First I’ll start off by saying I’m not actually trying to go vegan yet bc I know that if I jump right into it I will end up failing so I’m just taking things slowly and trying not to label what I’m doing. But in general I’m starting by cutting out eggs, dairy, all meat except fish, and unhealthy things in general.

So this morning I started with a sampling of things that I’ve seen on vegan blogs etc.

Today’s meal included an organic spinach wrap, avocado, tomatoes, mini bagels with peanut butter for protein, bananas and raspberries, and a vegan chai tea coffee. Then after breakfast I had a scoop of protein powder in water.

As healthy as this was, it was FULL of carbs and not enough protein. So my job now is to figure out how to balance my carbs/fats/proteins without eating eggs or meat!!!!