conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 77 (masterpost here)
Damian: -my point is, gothamites are completely delusional when it comes to their pride in being from Gotham. you weirdos are way too smug about being from this shithole of a city and it comes off like that arrogant family with no shame that thought being from the south effected their personality.
Dick, confused: ...arrogant family from the south?
Jason: no shame-? do you fucking mean the family from the TV show Shameless? set on the south side of Chigaco?
Dick: *wheeze* arrogant family with no shame from the south-!
Jason: who the fuck let this child watch Shameless!? that show is so inappropriate! Robin, what the fuck?!
Damian, dry: Red Robin watches it while i'm in the room. and how can watching anything on that ridiculous television show be worse than what i witness on a nightly basis as Robin?
Jason: ...alright fine but i'm still pissed at Red. that fucker's supposed to be a responsible uncle to you.
Dick: did you just say 'uncle'?
Jason, cutting him off: fucking- *frustrated* OK. i cannot see in this fuckass rain, i swear to god i'm going to install a windshield wiper onto the front of this helmet.
Damian: *hum* yes, Nightwing and I have been ducked under a restaurant overhang for the past ten minutes waiting for the worst to subside. a waiter brought us a bread basket.
Jason: see, Batman didn't offer any of us any fucking consolation bread. he just looked at the weather report and went 'huh, neat, how about that', and then pointed us in the direction of our suits and fucked off to go do his indoor stakeout.
Damian, mournfully: i wish i was as pathetic as Red Robin. then maybe i could break a leg every now and then and get out of patrolling in bad weather...
Dick: are we not going to go back to Hood calling Red Robin your-
Jason: *yelp* *harsh smack* *metal clang* FUCK.
*a beat, Jason groaning lowly*
Damian, solemnly: man down.
Jason: this fucking rain makes these stupid fucking fire escapes so FUCKING slippery,
Dick: are you hurt? do you need us to come help with anything?
Damian: Nightwing, i understand you care for your brother, but please do not make me go back out into the wet to help him. i have a backup dad, it's fine if we lose this one to the elements.
Jason: ok seriously fuck you Damian-,
Dick, exasperated: -wHAT DO YOU MEAN, BACKUP DAD? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Jason, dead serious: kid let me tell you, if he snitches to B about this, i will kill myself in front of you.
Dick: ok- one, you two really need to stop talking about us all like we aren't in front of you when we are. two; how dare you. i have never snitched to B on anything in my life. that's the first rule in the batkid code and i wrote that damn manual.
Damian: *loud crunch of a breadstick*
Jason: alright. at least i'm already laying down for it.
Damian, judgemental: you haven't gotten up yet-?
Damian: ...the Red Hood is my Father.
Jason: *snort* *airily* ah, the first stage of grief.
Dick: you two lie all the time, this is just sloppy. plus, you've already lied to B about being Robin's dad, so. you can't recycle old shit.
Jason: mhm, mhm, mhm, and i usually would agree with you wing-ding m'boy, i would... except i never lied about being Robin's father. i just lied about sleeping with Talia to freak B out and piss her off.
Damian: yes... and while that was a lie, the fact that Hood is of biological paternal relation to me is entirely truthful. that's why Batman's blood tests came up as positive. they both, technically, are direct ancestors to me and thus contributory to my development.
Jason: you know you don't have to use that many scientific words, you can just say you have my eyes.
Damian: it is the result of the biological experimentation that occurred around my birth and throughout my early childhood, Nightwing. we are not lying.
Damian: Hood. he's just staring at me. what do i do.
Jason, whining: man, we should have waited until later when we met up, i wanted to see this!
Jason: oh fuck, a cat. *cat impression* mrow,
Dick: you... Robin... *stage-whispering, audibly tearful* are you- are you saying you're my biological nephew?
Damian: i mean- i mean no,
Jason, baffled: -dude you know me and you aren't related, right?
Dick: so you- so you have two dads?! Batman and Red Hood?!
Damian: yes. and please keep saying that exact sentence in public because the misleading wording will no doubt lead to some wonderful civilian speculation.
Jason: hold on- no, no no NO, no public anything--B still doesn't know and he will continue to not know, because i am not fucking dealing with that man attempting to co-parent with me. i'll stick with being the undercover secret dad that acts like a brother 90% of the time, thank you very much.
Damian: he is still staring at me.
Dick, whispering: i'm just- oh my god you're my baby brother and my nephew. oh my god.
Damian: you understand this changes nothing about our relationship in any way, right?
Dick: can i be godfather?
Jason: mmm, i think you have to arm wrestle Tim for it? i dunno, i haven't put anything about it in my will yet.
Jason: hey, if i die i need to know that i'm not leaving you with just B, habibi. i need to have a backup secret-dad in place for you.
Damian: what is wrong with this family-
Dick, in awe: i have a nephew.
*faint bell chime, door swinging*
Damian: oh, thank you. yes, the bread is delicious.
*more mumbles, slightly hesitant*
Damian: ...no, Nightwing is fine. i can assure you,
Damian: ...because he just remembered he's gluten free. actually- do you have an epipen?
Dick, snapping back to himself and dropping his voice by at least three octaves: Robin- stop trying to stab me with random needles.
Damian, defensive: it is a proven method of snapping somebody out of shock!
Dick: just because- *voice lowering, furious whispering* just because you're Hood's son doesn't mean you have to act like him!
Jason, observationally: i raised that boy so well.
Jason: shut the fuck up and get off my chest-
areudirty
annaxmalina
snowghoul
blakekathryn
gummygunk
