raven vix

like this river

i walk on

dust in my lungs

death in the air

it all has

its own beauty

i hold it

dearly

because

there's nothing else

right now

too parched

to even cry

head down

as if in prayer

i ask –

if the tears came

ripe as rain

would the river

the mighty rio grande

there'd be a chance

for us to try it all again

we could forget

our religion

our parents' rules

our internalized shame

and listen to music like

goo goo dolls and ashlee simpson

and talk

and cuddle

and smooch

and watch the racy cartoons

on adult swim like

foolycooly

you'd realize

you were free to be

as funny and crazy as you liked

instead of ending up alone and scared

dissociated from your body and heart

and i'd realize

i was a girl sooner

and start living that way

instead of being lost in a fog

of confusion and hurt

for decades

we'd drink

and plot our getaway

from mormon-dom

from mississippi

from all the bullshit that pinned us down in suffering

then the sun would rise

we would spend the days

tired as fuck

pretending to be good students

good children of our parents

good children of god

good people

dying inside

but happy knowing

we would be seeing each other again

the next night

"please, help me to understand.."

point a, point b ...feeling vertigo, then la nausée...

clouds on clouds, soft and hard.

serenity versus tension: the tension of

tension.

the superficial calm of suburbia. underneath is "pure hell".