Raul F. O. and Nobody The Blog The Tumblr

They hate us cause they ain’t us, is a lie.

Have you seen those egocentric, egotistic, self-glazing posts about fake friends that hate because you have any sort of success? I have. It’s everywhere on social media. From the richest loser on planet earth, to the most broke dumbass, everyone at some point posts some asinine cringe posts about them and their haters. Which only goes to show how most people are very dim-witted when it comes to them being fully self-aware of the situation the world, thus their friends and families are in. Someone with a modicum of self-awareness, self-esteem and empathy would not say this in real life towards anyone. Because they know that they would sound like a little child throwing a tantrum. So why then post it like you’re in high school? Because they got hurt, is the most probable answer. Their ego got hurt and now they have to flaunt whatever asset they have in order to feel better about themselves. So, then they go to post about their money, career, car, houses, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever the hell is keeping their ego afloat and them going another day in this miserable world.

And that is kind of it, for them it is a coping mechanism to their pain, and to this world. And instead of doing the more meaningful thing of understanding, having empathy and being aware of the context they are in. A world with the most inequality recorder in human history. Where the disparity between the rich and the poor is immeasurably bleak. More and more people in the rich and “civilized” world feels the power of imperialism turn against them thus feeling the growing poverty in what is supposed to be a beacon of beauty and prosperity. So when you see someone post or say something like that, just know, they are not doing well. At least not mentally, morally or ideally. And it is not entirely their fault, it’s a system meant to break you, meant to give you enemies, especially if those enemies are poorer, less seemingly educated, or have any sort of visible difference in tone, skin, or culture from you. Yet it is easier for each and everyone of us to fall into this pitfall of “if they’re not as good as me, they’re lesser than”. And we need to do better.

And at the same time, these haters. Some are indeed toxic and they will drag you down and try to keep you down. I knew a lot of them, I cut ties with them and I hope to never really interact with them. And some of them are helpless, so they will not understand. But, even so, most are fine, or are trying to be fine people. Yet you have to imagine that when they are fine honest people that work an honest job, and have an honest career, and love what they do, when they make pennies for their hard and tedious work, you can’t just tell them “get a better job”, “pivot”, “change”, “leave if you don’t like it”, when that would take years, and by the time they would be done they would be in the same situation again, because work now moves faster than internet trends do. So when someone works as much as you do, and they have nothing to show for, and they feel the pressure of next month every month, maybe don’t broadcast that you have struggling friends, in a shitty world and have some empathy instead.

To have success in a world that predominantly rewards corruption, fraud, institutional theft, your success looks the same no matter how honest you got to where you are and how much you worked for that position. And you have to be self-aware about these things. Because you are lucky you got there, sure, your skills maybe helped, but where you were born, who you met, when you met them, and how all that played out, was not skill, it was mainly luck. Luck you found someone you could build with, luck nothing bad happened to you, lucky that you were in the right moment in the right place, these are things you can not control. And no amount of discipline, work ethic or anything would have gotten you were you are, without luck. If you believe otherwise, you might be a tad too egotistical. But that’s not my problem to deal with, it’s your psychologist’s, if you have one.

Don’t misunderstand me, if you have a successful friend that got there by hard work, dedication, sacrificing their well-being, time, social life, that is their choice, and there is no reason to hate them, if their work is trying to be as ethical as possible and they don’t work for evil genocide incorporated. But if that friend is a dick about their success, it is always healthy to keep them grounded and bring them back to their senses. In the end, we’re all human. Some choose to work themselves to death, some have no choice in that matter, and some don’t see the value in doing that for a world that promotes violence, corruption, division thus hate.

If you ask people, love is… Complicated.

When I started I Write Sins… Not Tragedies I was in search of something. To find a thing in that mess of a story regarding relationships. As someone that has been cheated on so many times, for me that never made sense. So with being in long term relationships, and knowing people in long term relationships, some questions arose. Things that have a simple answer, whether it’s no, yes, or never. Yet, this is reality, which why I wanted to write something I had no real idea about in I Write Sins… And as I was looking back at some of the other things I wrote during the years, I couldn’t help but do this rewrite of a bunch of old posts all squeezed into this one, with a better perspective and a more nuanced take on love. Since love is… Complicated? But why? I always believed that if people were more honest with themselves the world would be an easier place to live in. But honesty means facing yourself, which is difficult to do. So, we can’t have that, right? So, I guess, love is complicated. But not because loving is complicated, but because people are complicated because they don’t want to be honest with themselves? Well, maybe… not…

Looking back at my posts, I can’t help but laugh at the simplicity of things put into perspective then. And as much as I wish relationships could be as easy as that. Well, life is a thing that happens to and around us. Because in a vacuum, like most things if you deprive them of context, everything is easy. But, when you work, when you have a passion you follow, when you need to make time for others, things get a little complicated. Not to mention all the talk and thinking of the future. And that is only as far as a wedding goes, never even mind the complicated future including children, housing, and what those bring with themselves. That is why thinking that love is complicated, is not bad, actually. Well, that is not quite right either. It’s not as bad. Well, it depends. It’s complicated. But it’s really not. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to fit all this in a page and three paragraphs. But love really is just a bit complicated due to life. So as long as we don’t use that as an excuse to do unspeakable things, love can be easily managed. But for that you need to find common ground, work together, listen and understand each other. You can not do one without the other. You can’t not do any of this and expect anything from a relationship. As relationships need maintenance, and as things move along, you need to always reassure each other that you are on the same page.

And this same page is probably the most important part in a relationship. Whether it’s physical attraction, emotional connection, future plans, current plans, involvement in those plans. And quite literally everything regarding a relationship, if you are not on the same page, the relationship can not be a healthy one. Because life is complicated, and will throw you curve balls, because we, as humans, decided that making things easy is not what we really want. So, when things happen, which is something that will always happen, you need to trust your partner that they are on the same page. And this does not mean that one can’t be more or less successful than the other, that barely matters in a relationship as long as your ego is not too big. But if you can’t be on the same page, then you can’t work together towards something, anything. You will push and pull each other, which might create frustrations and unwanted expectations. Which can only create cracks and if you do not tend to those, they can get bigger, and one thing leads to another. And the whole infrastructure falls down, because we are human and we have only so much patience when we get hurt, taken for granted or when we feel lonely.

Which is why love is kind of complicated. In itself, in a vacuum, love is splendid. But stuff happens in the world, stuff happens to us, and we happen to live in a world. Which makes people hurt, create baggage, which, with or without wanting to do so, we bring these with us everywhere in a relationship. So, if we’re not straightforward with each other, and we do not empathize, care for each other, we tend to make things complicated, not just love. And no, this answer did not come to me from writing I Write Sins… Since I did not finish that series, but from simply living. Well, hope this is quite clear and easy to understand. Because I’d really hate for this to be complicated…

Living, breathing, husks… Ghouls!

Between gold, fire and gemstones, the dragon is buried and slumbering peacefully in the night. Surrounded by tall walls and towers, they sleep beneath the clear stary sky. But inside the walls and towers there is movement. An uncanny sound is heard as they move from place to place as they drag their feet on the ground. With a torch in hand they move from side to side, bored, yet purposeful.  From the forest a small light is seen approaching the walls. Through one of the many windows in the walls and towers one of the ghouls sees the light approaching. It drops its torch and starts running. Through the dark corridors of the walls they run as fast as possible towards the stairs at the end of the hallway. As it goes down they pass another and another and another ghoul. It reaches the door and flings it wide open as it breathes heavily looking towards the light approaching. From behind him other ghouls push him as they run towards the light. They keep pushing and tripping each other as they slobber while running towards the light. A group of four knights with their hunting dogs is ambushed by the starving ghouls. As the dogs jump towards the necks of the ghouls trying to bite them. They stick stick their hands down the dogs’ throats and directly onto their hearts. The knights try to cut them down, only to hit the dogs and get blinded by blood. The ghouls with their bloody hands push and tackle the knights to the ground and strangle them. Some of them pull on their limbs trying to get the armor off, as they can’t bite through it. As the twenty ghouls dismember the dogs and knights, to sun starts to shine. Hours later only a bloody patch of grass remained as the ghouls resumed walking the halls. With dried up blood on their hands and faces they walk the halls, patiently, waiting…

The dragon awakes from his slumber. As he slowly gets up, he tries not to waste any of the gold or precious stones by throwing them outside the walls. From a door in a wall a pale white figure emerges. Sire, how can I assist you today? asks the pale figure. How many years have you been in my service now? asks the Dragon. Thirty years, sire, responds the pale figure. Thirty years, that is a long time for your kind, yes? I feel like you deserve a treat. Sleeping beneath all this gold makes me feel magnanum… Makes me feel good. So why don’t you go into town today and get yourself a woman? asks the Dragon. I appreciate your kindness, sire, responds the pale figure as he bows down. Good, as you should. I feel like we need some new faces around. They all look so ghoulish, says the Dragon. As you wish, my sire, says the pale figure. What do you think? asks the Dragon. We can… the pale man gets interrupted. It is not of any matter, I decided, as long as this works, it does not matter, says the Dragon. Wise decision, sire, says the pale figure. I have a problem needs solving. There are these humans that I wish they would hurry a bit with their delivery of gold and precious stones. And I would like you to go gather some of my loyal humans from within the walls to be sent to these towns, says the Dragon. Understood, sire, says the pale figure as he goes within the walls.

Change happens with you or without you

Change, a thing that we have grappled with over the years, hell, since we’ve ever existed. Whether it’s politics or philosophy, whether we applied our thoughts regarding change or not, that one thing has always been debated, for better or for worse. But, as I developed my sense of the world and the sense of morality, for me change is a given. Whether you look at the history of man kind, the history of nature or even the universe, one thing is constant, change. This applies to people as well, whether we are talking at a global scale, a national scale, a societal scale, the scale of friendships and families over the years, and even at a very personal level, change is there constantly. You can fight change, you can try to keep the same, it won’t work. Change is going to happen with or without your consent. And I’m not even talking politically. You clothes, if you wear them they will degrade with time, that’s a change. You phone, the more you use it, the more it will degrade whether you want it or not. It all depends how much care you take of it. The same applies to your body as well. Yes, you can not control the prices of food, the external pressures or the actions of others, but you can still try to exercise, try to eat the best you can, incite a revolution, socialize, go out for a walk, topple the government, get a pet, you know… Stuff that might keep you healthier for longer. But even if you try your best to stay in the best shape, your body will change with or without your consent, for now, and you have no choice regarding that.

On a grander scale, this is what makes change scary for most people. This is one of the many dumb reasons people find conservatism so soothing, it’s the illusion of keeping things as they are, even if they do not care or want to participate in the violence of said system. These people have it well enough that change scares them into thinking that they might lose the peace and stability they have. They never had to think of change, because things always worked out for them and the changes they had to make were within the boundaries of said system. Yet it doesn’t make sense, because even those systems changed drastically. (The reasons they changed and how is a topic for another day.) Things improved, things changed, things were invented that made life easier. And inventions usually are changes to the world as we know it, especially those that have a broad impact. Like sliced bread, LSD, pornography or the internet, these inventions changed the world in some aspects, which we can’t take back anymore. And I doubt that any sane person would argue today that we should abolish these things and go back to the way things were before. So change is inescapable at every single level of your life. You progress whether you want it or not, you change whether you want it or not. The only thing you can do is either be a bystander and let it all go by you… Or be part of the change and have a positive impact…

I am an anxious person...

Now, thinking back to when I was a child, worrying about getting on time in school, getting the best grades, I always was anxious. Yes, that behavior for me changed when I started seeing through lies and when I saw the attitude of those expecting me to be the very best like no one ever was regarding their efforts. But once you have something you want to achieve, something that you feel sets you free, and you fight for it. Yes, there is the excitement part of it, but there’s also the stress, exhaustion, anxiety, especially if there’s a lot of unreliable ground beneath you and people do not understand your worry, considering the way they behave is the reason you worry. But, my point is that if you wish for freedom, if you wish for something and you are poor, you will have to fight harder than anyone. If you wanna do it fairly without dragging anyone down, stepping over others and keep your morals about you, well, that is even harder. Which does not help the anxiety. But this anxiety for me came from one single place. Being misunderstood.

Whatever the reason, whatever the call, those that listened to me always misunderstood me. A reason I even got into reading, writing, and trying to find my voice, is that I was always being misunderstood. Now, that’s not entirely those people’s fault, you can have good intentions trying to do, act, say something and you might on your own misunderstand their intentions, actions or words. So those things happened as well, I am aware of that, and I am not blaming anyone for any of that, it happens. Especially since those people might have their own circumstances, thoughts and distractions to deal with. So misunderstandings are a part of our lives, living without them is near impossible. But, there are situations where people push a certain image upon you and purposefully create misunderstandings, so that you fit in their neat little box they decided you belong in. Here are some examples: I’m a hater, I hate everyone, I need to always be right. These things are true if you want them to be true. You can look through the lens of these statements at anything anyone does or says and it will be true if you on purpose misunderstand, or rather misrepresent what they say or do. Yes, someone can easily hate everyone, be a hater and need to always be right. But in order for someone to determine whether that’s true or not, you need to look at the facts. If they hate everyone, are they anti-social? Do they not ever socialize? Are they combative with everyone they approach? If they are a hater, do they find faults with literally everything? Do they constantly comment that everything is wrong even though there might not be? See what I mean? There’s a difference between simply ascribing those qualities to someone and someone actually being what those qualities ascribe.

Therefore my anxiety, need to overexplain, need to overthink, need to hold things in until I feel like I have processed them and thought them through enough. If you have read any of the four books, you know that I used to be more impulsive and reactionary, whether I was right or wrong. If it felt wrong, if it hurt, it went against me and I wouldn’t let it stand. Yet, this was also from bullying and the need to stand up for myself, but that’s a whole other story. In those years of being a teenager, I started writing trying to find how to express what I felt. I knew how I felt, I was letting people know that. But I couldn’t process any of the thoughts, emotions or even look back critically analyze what I’ve done and if it was wrong or not. So, in the past ten years I have worked very hard to do that and change that. This summer was the culmination of all this work, I think. I hope, this summer I got to change a lot of people’s minds when it comes to thinking who I am, what I am, or how they perceive me. Whether it’s old friends, new friends, family, colleagues, I hope I got to change their minds again. Not that I made an effort to go out of my way to impress anyone, I still make mistakes, I still struggle with messaging and things. But I hope that I made myself clear in that I do not wish for toxicity, hate, combativeness and cruelty in my circle. And that embodying that type of personality got through to them. I still have to convince people that my posts come from concern, love for the planet, love for the infinite possibilities of human goodness and imagination. But that’s something my writing will try to convey until the day I die, probably.

So, if you’re an old friend, a new friend, a future friend or simply family, and you are reading this, just know that I am proud of you. We’ve been through some tough times and we managed to get through them. And please try to read and understand that whatever I write, it always comes from a good place.

P.S.

Change is scariest when you are comfortable… And we are way too comfortable.

I do not believe that I have to repeat nor indulge myself in the usual trope of capitalism bad, people comfortable, people lazy, people ungrateful, people ignorant, people bad, people stupid, people uneducated. Yes a lot of those would be true, but most of those are the fault of the system we have in place that instead of helping people be better, get better, help themselves, it keeps them in a spire of misery. Yes, the system is also created by humans, and not an unknown entity with immovable laws. The laws and systems we live under are movable and can change. Yet, this takes a lot of courage. Courage many do not have. And while my brief introduction would lead you to believe that this is due to comfort, that’s not the entire story. That’s just something to draw you into the rest of this ramble. The honest truth is that there’s a large portion of this problem that comes from fear of the unknown. Change, and more precisely systemic change is an unknown. It brings anxieties with it and a lot of unanswered questions. Yes, of course, we have the answer to a lot of things and we can learn a lot, have learned a lot, from what doesn’t work with the current system. But, corruption can always undermine changes. Because it would mean a blind trust that not just a system can change, but that people can also change. Something that is rather tough to sell to anyone. And while anecdotal evidence is out there, if you are to ask most people, they will tell you they do not believe a person can usually change for the better. And so we’ve arrived at the reason for this whole post… We’re NOT Ready for Progress…

Prisons shouldn’t exist. Yes, at all. Prisons do not solve problems. Prisons do not help people be better people. At best, prisons scare people into not wanting to comit other crimes. But most people that go through the prison system, usually, become repeat offenders. Why? Because it doesn’t solve any of the problems to begin with. And what’s worse, in some countries even after they serve their sentence those people get out with fewer rights and with fewer opportunities. Which is why they often become repeat offenders. Instead of rehabilitation, you get persecution once you have finished your sentence. If you are from the US of A, this just might be the case for you. But that isn’t to say that the rest of the world is doing a better job. While the nordic countries are getting as close as possible to what we should be doing, it’s not perfect either. Because either way, we do not fix the systemic issues that bring crime. These things are a innate failure of the system and we should be very unhappy about it. And if your prison system is for profit, you should be livid with rage, especially if the prisoners also work for pennies as slave labor. 

Yes, personal responsibility is a thing, but unless you personally choose when and where and to whom you are born. Most of the things in your life are predetermined by the system. Meaning that any person is born to a predetermined set of options in their lifetime, as infinite as that might seem, it is quite restrictive. If you are born in a poor country, if you are born in a poor city, if you are born in a poor neighborhood but in a wealthy city, if you are born in the country side away from possibilities, these things predetermine most of your life. To get out of these situations in the current system necessitate an herculean effort. Whether it’s in terms of money, time spent doing things or just the mental pressure, there’s a lot hinging on you changing your life if you are born to struggle. Considering you can’t just move into a richer town or a richer country easily, and you can’t just meet the right person to give you a hand to help you pull yourself out poverty. Some of these things can be literally impossible. Pair that with poor education, lack of access, racism, xenophobia, abuse, an uncaring system, people’s disposition to not believe in change for good. And you have this whole disaster.

I do not really care about your philosophy on life, what your religion is or whatever negative thoughts you might have about the following words. But, if you do feel called out or offended by anything I have written here, it is a good time to reconsider who you are and who you think you are. Not because this is a personal attack, I do not know you. And as per the title of this blog, I am a Nobody in the grand order of things. If you just might kindly or rudely disregard every word from here on out. Which is full on your right to do so. Just because you or I, have the freedom of expression, does not mean that I or you, have the right to the attention of anyone for that matter… Unless you instigate terrorism or hate crimes, in which case you do deserve the full attention of the authorities..

So, you probably are a horrible person, welcome. You are not alone, nor will you ever be alone in this regard. But over the course of my short life, compared to others that have lived for over 80 years and have seen some stuff, I can say that I have seen enough to draw some conclusions on my own just like you drew yours. And considering that by societal standards I am an adult, I have thought to take those conclusions and write them down. Well, I had this idea for a long time, but never really had the wording right or all thoughts in order. Now after all that said, since you probably are a horrible person, you might want to be a better person. And that is going to be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, if you decide to do it and become a better person. Not that I am an expert, but as I said, I do have some ideas.

So, what makes a person good or bad? Well, the simplest version would be the following comparison, good is like light. Bad is like darkness, meaning the lack of light, or by this logic the lack of good. So being good means not being bad. But you might say that everyone has a different size for what bad is or what good is. You can’t fit everyone in one convenient definition. Well, I just did, unless you see in darkness like you would during a sunny day, well, good for you, but I think you might be a mutant with special abilities.

So, you gave up and accepted what I wrote there, which is why you are reading this. And now you are asking yourself where I’ll actually start this guide. Which is here. Because if good is the lack of bad, then we can draw some lines in the sand. And for what is in the actual line, meaning those gray areas, well, those remain sort of debatable, but for another time. The same applies to punishment regarding bad people and their actions. And if you think, but I know that I am not a good person and that’s okay… Well, let me tell you that is not, and you should change because, you knowing that fact is not a free pass to be an asshole, you are simply part of the problem.

Yet the guide is very simple. It has rules as ancient as speaking or writing. So here’s how to be a good person. By the way, if you find yourself being one of those people mentioned below, please do seek professional help or talk to your friends or family about these things. Unless your friends and family reassure you that it is okay to be a bad person, in which case you need better friends and a new family.

Do not hate* - If you hate consenting people that love each other, yet do no harm to minors as adults, or do not harm animals, well, you are a bad person no matter what your religion, faith, whomever tells you whatever. If you hate people because they disagree with you and you think they are your oppressors because everything is too “PC” and “cancel culture is out to get you” because you can’t say the n-word or bully or be hateful towards someone, you’re a bad person no matter what your religion, faith, whomever tells you.

*this however does not apply to hating nazis/fascists, any type of nationalists aka xenophobes, racists, homophobes and so on and so forth. Because hating those people is fine. Hate should NEVER be tolerated. But Nobody, aren’t you doing the same? Well, no. There is a major difference between someone that hates people and doesn’t want a group of people to not have rights because. And someone that hates the group of people and doesn’t want them to have rights. Because hate and harming innocent people should NEVER be tolerated.

Do not harm others** - If you harm others physically, emotionally, psychologically, you are a bad person. Abuse is abuse, whatever its form is. Your freedom, be it that of speech or otherwise ends when you hurt others. Or if you are a danger to yourself and those around you. This, of course, if I wasn’t clear enough, includes discrimination. So, if you say that some people are lazy or that they deserve it. And so on and so forth, you are hurting their chances for upward mobility, because now you are someone that whether willing or unwilling is standing in their way, due to your attitude and action.

**this however does not apply to people that are violent in their actions or speech. By this, I do not mean that people should intervene to punish them or give them a taste of their own medicine, but what I mean is that the authorities should do their job and restrain them from harming anyone.

It is not that I do not think of myself as human. It is more that I might have a different relationship to the definition of human is. The more we have learned about nature, how we connect and differ from it. Or even how we ourselves work as humans. There have been many that tried to make sense of it and our place in all of this. Meaning that the things you are about to read are neither new or inventive in any regard, but it is my own personal experience about being human or rather, being my own self.

At some point, some time, I don’t think I can pinpoint it with precision or accuracy when it happened, but I was more than myself. I de-connected with the traditional or the normal. Or at least I think that way because it just might be something that not many speak of or admit to it. But I am more than certain that there is a term for it in psychology, which obviously I do not know.

What do you think you are?

How would you describe yourself?

How do you see yourself?

What is your perception of what you are? Or better yet, who are you?

What are you to the human form?

What makes you you? Or to put even more simply, how are you different as a human?

I think that we both have different answers to these questions. Even if you never asked these things, because let’s be honest, why would you? A life can be lived without the need for any of these questions to be asked in the first place.

But you see, that’s exactly the things I have asked myself at some point. And I had to, because I felt… Weird… For a lack of a better word. I rarely care for how I looked. I was glad I was in shape and that I could run, but that never was just me or how I was. Even back, if you asked me what I thought I was or how I were to describe myself, I would’ve never have told you anything about myself that was physical. And if you’d ask me how I’d see myself, I’d probably tell you something really based only in wish fulfilment. But even then, I wouldn’t refer to anything bodily. And then something happened when I was 18. Someone asked me who are you? And suddenly all these things that I had answered until now seemed silly, nonsensical or pointless.

It took me years to try and figure that out. I was already de-connected by the time I had been asked that question, but it was after I was asked that I started to unravel and realize that I had been de-connected this whole time.

From the first time I remember being lied to by people important in my life. To the first time I role played characters I’ve seen on TV on my own. To the point I started writing to figure things out. Somewhere, at some point in my life, I de-connected.

I wasn’t just a boy or a man with its flesh and rawness. I was just a brain, in a body. Or worse, just a conscience in a meat brain in an avatar I haven’t chosen for myself. With flaws that did not and do not make sense to me to this day. Why after tens of thousands of years do teeth rot or get cavities? Why did we not evolve better? Why do our eyelashes betray us and blind us by poking us in the eye? Why do we have one hole for breathing and food to go down through? And on and on, I could go regarding this peak design we call a human body.

After a while, I had found what I wanted to do, yet that did not help much. The problems were only starting. There was much for me to learn, to understand, to unravel. That’s all I knew what to do. Ask questions, read, listen, think, overthink, make mistakes, and then repeat the whole cycle again. After years of doing this, I could confidently say that I cared little to none about my body. Of course, that had consequences. Both on my health and how I looked. But, as long as it didn’t interfere with what I was doing, I wouldn’t matter much. I was happy.

Yet then came a moment when I had to look myself in the mirror. Not that I ever cared much to do so, in the first place. But the moment I felt uncomfortable in my body, was the moment I had to face that part of reality, that physical body. And after years, I could not recognize the man in the mirror. I was an adult, I was me, but I never seen much of me. Not that I hadn’t been taking selfies or pictures with people or avoiding such things. But once they were done, I wouldn’t really look at them or myself for more than a second. All that was of no consequence or matter to me. Because it wasn’t bringing any real value in my life. The value that I started to treasure was learning, reading, entertaining myself with tv shows, movies, comics, cartoon, writing, gaming, anything that had to do with my eyes and mind rather than my body. That is not to say that I was never listening to my body, it had its needs, I had my needs, but I always knew how to deal with them. Growing up poor does that to a person.

It is weird to be so de-connected from your own self in a sense. Especially your own body. It feels like you are taking for granted something that is very much finite. Because once you remember death, the dread of losing the body hits first. Then it’s the dread of losing yourself, all you were. Well, at least that is the case for me. Even now, after years of crippling anxiety, panic attacks, depression, impostor syndrome, overthinking, and other thing that I either learned to manage, learned to simply let go or to deal with, I still have to remind myself that I am de-connected. That maybe I should re-connect. Take care of the finite time I have with this body or else I’ll make that time even shorter.

And you might guess that this might stem from a need to escape, to run, to hide, but there’s not much I can do the things that give me anxiety. There’s not much I can do about climate change, the terrible choices people make voting, the terrible choices those that were voted in make regarding almost everything, corruption, the rise of fascism and nationalism like we didn’t just go through a world war regarding that exact same thing 80 years ago and like we didn’t just go through a cold war over 30 years ago now. And regarding my personal problems, there’s not much I can do there either. I just have to take a day at a time and create a better place for myself wherever I am. The mistakes I made, I can’t help anymore considering that I can’t change the past. If you fixed them, took accountability for it, there’s nothing else but move on. If there’s a lesson to learn there, good. If there wasn’t, then you’ll probably remember it as a cringe memory at an inopportune time sometime down the line.

I don’t think there’s anything to explain regarding my de-connection. Whether it’s the why, how or when. It somehow became just another thing I have to learn to live with. And I don’t think I’d have it any other way, considering my anxiety and the fact that I have a small case of being hypochondriac.

So, after this many words, I don’t know if there’s anything else to do, but de-connect. Recharge and tomorrow… Do try again.

Hey, Ry. Is that what we should call you now? Ry? asks G. Yes. And I shall call you G from now on. I find it rather fascinating and though a bit confusing, yet fascinating, says Ry. Why do I get a letter but you get two now? asks G. R sounds boring, Ry sounds more mysterious. I like it more, says Ry. Say, Ry, have you ever thought of diversifying the places you visit? asks G. What do you mean? asks Ry. Have you tried the old continents? asks G. Hmm… Never really thought of it much. Used to have a lot of fun there a hundred years ago or so. Brilliant idea, G. I shall bring you a golden apple or maybe one of those green ones, says Ry as he takes off. Did you really have to do that? You know what may be waiting for him, says De. Oh look at you, two letter brothers holding out for each other, says G as he too takes his leave. You know you can simply not play the game if you do not like it, G, says De.

Some months later…

Tsk, he says as he leaves. With a frown on his face he looks down at the ground and in front of him a booklet seems to appear. The black cover, the text on it seems unreal. Pick it up, a voice commands him. As he leans down he sees the weird text and picks it up. Opening the notebook he sees a bunch of rules written down. He starts to flip through the book as he sees torn pages, names, Japanese writing he does not understand, some ripped pages. Well, what do you think? asks Ry as he stands in front of him. He looks up to see those wicked eyes, those long arms, the weird wings, and a smile to not be forgotten. Is any of this real or did I finally lose it? he asks. Why aren’t you freaked out? Usually people do not find my particular style appealing, says Ry. I don’t have an answer for you that won’t sound depressing, so let’s just say I’ve seen some stuff, he responds. So, what does a failed… Everything… Have in mind with that notebook? I have been watching you for a while clicking your tongue at this and that. You are rather fascinating. Smart enough to know when someone or something is wrong, but not smart enough to know how to use it to gain the power you seek, says Ry. So you are giving me a change at wish fulfillment with this, is what you are saying, he responds. Clever, knew you’d understand. Yes, that is exactly what I am giving you. Now give me a show, I can see the gears turning inside that pretty little head of yours. It’s all I can ask for. Well, that and apples, says Ry. We’ve got a deal, he says as he rips an empty page from the notebook and stuffs it in his pocket.

I have some questions, he says to Ry. Can’t you simply use it and find out exactly what it does? asks Ry. Do you want a show or a whimper? he retorted. Fine, but you better give me something great in return, says Ry. Does anyone else have this type of notebook right now, right here on this planet? he asks. Not that I know off. Right now it’s only me, says Ry. You know, I heard about this notebook. It was all over the news here too when things went down in Japan. That must have been a fun time for you, he says. Mmm, yes. So it was, says Ry. I have a question about you. What are you? A god of death? You look different from the gods I read about. And what are you powers? Can you see my lifespan? Can you kill me? Or do you just observe? he asks. Yes, you could call me that. And let’s just say I can do lots of interesting things, responds Ry. So, I’ll take all that as a yes. Good, let’s get you some apples and let me buy some stuff to test what writing is, he says. Aren’t you ever going to ask me for my name? asks Ry. Why? I’ll make history, you’ll have your show and besides, you’ll be gone soon either way, he responds. So quite a grand plan you must be having to be done with this so soon, says Ry. Well, if what I think works, then yeah. It’ll be short, but it’ll be a blast, he says smirking.

Here are your apples. Bought a few kilos, hope they’ll keep you satiated for a while, he says as he sits down at his desk. What’s that weird glossy paper for? asks Ry. You see, with this paper you can write on it, put it over another piece of paper and it will nicely copy everything from one to the other, he explains. Oh, now that’s impressive, says Ry. You see, when things were happening over there I always thought he was inefficient. Of course you are going to get caught with pinpoint precision if your scope is that shallow. But then again, he was a teenager. Maybe if he had time to mature a little his scope would’ve broaden. That’s why I promised you a big show with a loud bang, but with a quick sendoff, he explains. Well consider me intrigued, says Ry as he bites an apple in half. He takes a pen, writes down a name and presses then the paper to the notebook. Oh, an actor. That’s very brave of you as a first death to note down, says Ry. Well, I have to see if it works quickly, he responds as he opens Twitter. Interesting strategy. Glad to have picked you, says Ry. That’s high praise. Thank you, he responds as the name of the person pops up and is trending a few minutes later. Bingo! Now onto the next test, he says with pride.

What’s that? asks Ry. A printer. But more specifically an ink printer. So, let’s see if this works, he says as he prints on that thin paper and then applies it to the notebook. This is what you meant to test what writing is, says Ry. Exactly. And if this works, we’re going to be doing this tonight and when the sun will shine, tomorrow morning, you’ll probably be leaving me with a changed world, he responds. As he finishes that sentence that sentence that name starts to trend as well. Perfect, he says. So what now? asks Ry. Now I am going to get a VPN, setup a virtual machine, start an excel sheet. And then write the name of every politician, every criminal that is known right now to have caused death or any harm to people and that is pushing and marginalizing large groups of people. But, they are going to be randomized on each type of this page and then put down in this notebook. And when the sun rises, we’ll have thousands of criminals dead. Not that I’ll know what will happen afterwards. Not that I’ll know how the world will react to it all. Not that I know if this will change anything for the better. But sure as hell this will send a message out there and some form of wicked justice will prevail for now, he says. You know, you could do this over and over again, if you wished so, says Ry. No, once is enough. I just might kill the wrong person or dig myself into a hole. I don’t want that. I want to see what effect this will do, if any. If there are other dictators to rise out of this situation, if the people do not take charge of this opportunity, then there is truly no hope for us as a species, he says.

After a long night, the skies slowly start to lighten up. So, are you ready god of death? he asks with a bunch of freshly printed papers ready to press them down in the notebook. As ready as I’ll ever be, says Ry with a devilish smile on his face. Well, after testing how many names on a page will work, I think this will be smooth sailing, he says while laughing after turning on the TV on a news channel to see the chaos unfold in real time with Twitter also opened on his monitor. Slowly but surely the news starts to come out that dictators, government officials, police officers, prime-ministers, oligarchs, corrupt news show presenters and every time of other criminal start dying. One after another, the news cycle and the internet can’t keep track of the many deaths that are occurring. Whether it’s accidents or suicides, it seems chaos is completely taking over the world. Ry starts laughing. Incredible. You are truly incredible. So much death. So much confusion. Oh to think someone could pull all of this off, says Ry enthusiastically. Well, here you go, he says after scribbling on the piece of paper he ripped out from the notebook. What? asks Ry. I promised you a show. You got a show. Here’s your notebook. I have to burn this papers together with my laptop and printer. Enjoy the chaos, he says. Ry remains baffled at everything that is happening. As he throws the papers into the fire, together with it is the paper from the notebook which states that he should die 15 minutes before his lifespan is to end in sleep.

Let me go! Cristina says in an exasperated manner to the man. You are mine! he replies. Then marry me, you coward! Or is it that you only thirst for what you can’t have? asks Cristina. Aye, there’s nothing but your fucking flower between these legs that you can offer to this wretched world, replies the man. Look at you, fine fellow, sinning. May you burn in hell! says Cristina. I’ll gladly make you wait for me there, the man says followed by a thud. My legs are frozen in place, I can’t move. Fuck! I hear the man speak. Silence poisons the air around me as a million thoughts run through my head. Fuck, I tell myself as I start running in the opposite direction of where the two were. Why? Why did it have to happen? I ask myself. The more I run, the more familiar the setting becomes. I can’t understand this, I tell myself as I begin to slow down. What is it with this place and murders? I ask myself as I stop running. The clouded sky covers the moon turning the streets dark. I once more create flame in the darkness to see where I am. Trying to find my way towards Stephen’s Inn. A thought asking me why did I run popped into my head. The answer to which, I had none. Yet a jolt of fear struck my heart as I slowly made my way towards the inn. After an hour of wandering, I can finally see the inn and as my whole heart feels a little bit lighter.

I open the door to see Arcus, alone, drinking. Evening, I say. Arcus jolts up then turns with a defeated look on his face towards me. What do you want? he asks. To go sleep, I respond. Why here? Couldn’t you go anywhere else? he drunkenly asks. I do not know any other place to sleep, I respond. Why don’t ya sleep outside with the dogs… Or better… In the river with them fishes… says Arcus. That’d be uncomfortable, I snarkily respond. Yer right, probably, responds Arcus. Can I go now? I ask. Why does Stephen not listen? If he listened, he would have been doing so much better. But he always have to do whatever he feels is right, he stumbles in his words. You mean ha… I try to correct him before getting interrupted. Did you know he had a wife? No. You did not know that. How could you. You devilish wizard. Or maybe you knew. Of course you knew with yer magic and thoughts and stuff. Then I guess you knew she died. Childbirth. It was simply monstrous. The baby came out hanged and blue faced as she died. I pitied Stephen, such a tragedy… says Arcus. I am sorry to hear that, I respond. Of course yer sorry. Anyone would be. Even the devil’s spawn can’t shed a tear to such tragedy. Let me tell you something wizard. Whatever you came here looking for, good luck finding it. But pray that it doesn’t find you first… An unsettling silence sets after what Arcus just said. Here… Take these keys. Do whatever. See you never, says Arcus as he throws me the keys and leaves. I hate today, I tell myself before throwing myself in the bed and falling asleep instantly.

A much needed sleep, a much needed silent morning with the sweet chirping of birds gracing me with their voice. I either slept through people going to wherever they need going in the morning, or I woke up too early for noise to be a problem yet, I tell myself as I look at the bright blue sky. As I get up from my bed, I go to get dressed and get down for breakfast. Expecting Stephen to greet me with a big smile I go down the stairs yet there’s no one. It is dead quiet. Stephen? I shout. No answer. Maybe he is out and about, yet I do not see Arcus either around, I tell myself. Should I wait? Or should I find another place to eat? I ask myself. I should eat and leave him the money for the food and for the night after, I convince myself as my stomach feels like its chewing me out already. As I find myself some bread, some meats and a bit of cheese, another intrusive thought goes through my head asking if what I am doing is wrong. I take a kettle, add some water to it and start boiling it for a cup of tea. But at the same time another thought asks me if it is really wrong if I am paying for what I am consuming. I take my plate, set it on the table and sit in silence. As I sit, I can’t help but look at the light shinning through the window. I take a deep breath and start eating. A shadow appears before the window as the kettle starts whistling. As I raise my head, I see the Sheriff. This can’t be happening…

If he confessed to his crimes, then we have nothing else to do but to take him to Newgate, says the Sheriff. I have not confessed to anything! I won’t go! You can’t take me from this church! Thomas protests. We can, and we will, says the Sheriff. Not if father here will grant me sanctuary, says Thomas. Father? asks the Sheriff. Please, I will do anything to repent and please, please, please, Thomas begs. I have a bad feeling about this. Fine, says the Priest. Thomas starts laughing. I was not done. You have only a day. You must pray, fast and do a confessional. If you do not or will not. I will hand you over to the Sheriff, says the Priest. I will, I will, I will, says Thomas on his knees. Get me a watchman or two to stay guard for a day here. He must not leave this place, says the Sheriff. Now I really do have a bad feeling about all of this, I slip my tongue as the Sheriff gave the order. I almost forgot. Please send word to that mob of people to inform them of the reality of the situation, says the Sheriff. Thank you, I tell the Sheriff. How do you always find yourself in these situations? asks the Sheriff. I don’t know. I just wanted to eat some lunch and go get my stuff from the inn. I never expected any of this to happen, I explain. You need to stop hanging out with a cutpurse and find better people to be around, says the Sheriff. Please reference me to someone that is a better people, I respond.

You asked for me? asks a Watchman. Yes, there will be another one coming to change with you around morning. Or do you wish to come in tomorrow morning since you have worked already? asks the Sheriff. I would prefer it that way, yes, says the Watchman. Okay, good. That’s settled than, see you tomorrow around this time of the day, says the Sheriff. The watchman leaves. So, Wizard, I will have to think of someone. Next time we meet, I might recommend you someone. And assuming on your good luck, we might just meet very soon, says the Sheriff. Does that mean that I may leave? I ask. Yes. I assume you’ll be at Stephen’s inn, right? asks the Sheriff. Yes, that is where I will reside, at least for now, I explain as I take my leave. Good, I’ll know where to look for you, says the Sheriff. Let’s hope you won’t need to find me soon enough, I whisper as I close the door to the church. As I move down the street, I enter the intersection where the people were gathered previously. A coroner and a couple of watchman pick the body of the dead man up in order to load in in a carriage and take it away. As I make a left, leaving that horrid place behind, I start to ponder about everything that has happened until now. If there are lessons to be learned here, I do not really know what they are. I mostly feel a victim of fate. Imprisoned, shamed, death stitched tot he back of my eyes, and no mere break from horror, I speak to myself as I get lost.

I don’t know how I did not get lost until now. Everything looks almost the same as everything else, unless it’s a tavern, church or someone important with an imposing house. It all starts to feel like a maze. I can’t even see where the river flows through. Or maybe I am too far from the riverside? I ask as I aimlessly roam the streets trying to find my way towards Stephen’s Inn. I should have paid more attention to my surroundings instead of letting myself get way into my own head, I tell myself as more and more noise is made around me. I raise my head to look around. I see people leaving as they chat about their day and the sun sets. As I take a few more steps forward, a giant building graces itself in the last few rays of sunlight. The murmur of the people now gone, I am left alone in this little square of London looking at this building simply wondering what it is. I hear a man and a woman chat at the corner of the building. Cristina, let us spend the night together. I have lodgings for the night, I hear the man say. I could not. It is Sunday. I am still young. I do not want to go against my mother’s wishes and ruin this. So you either marry me or I am leaving, she says. Come on, dear. There’s no need for that, yet, says the man. Then we can’t spend the night, she says. Where do you think you are going? he asks. Home. Now let my arm be or I will make a hue, she says. You whore! You wench! You dare sleep with others, but not with me? he says. Let me be! she insists. I’ll let you rot in hell, says the man…

A gunshot is echoing in the warehouse. Silence… Then a scream of a man followed by even more gunshots. Where is he? Don’t let him escape! screams a burly man. You must be mad to get yourself in this warehouse alone with us, says a tall man with a beard and a gun in his hand. The lights go out, a man starts screaming. The two start shooting. They see a shadow. The tall man follows the shadow with his gun shooting at him. Without realizing, the tall man shoots the burly man. As the burly man falls, from behind him jumps the man in the hood onto the tall man, throwing him on the ground and disarming him. Who are you? asks the tall man. They say justice is… Blind… But I’m not justice. I’m vengeance… With bloody fists, a heavy breath and a dozen man downed, the man in the hood said as he walked away from the warehouse with police sirens getting closer and closer. Log 045. The warehouse by the docks was a bust. Only drugs and small arms, nothing related to the location of Death’s Head. The info we got last week was correct, yet it was not what I was looking for. Note to self, find better informants, says the hooded man as he closes his audio log and gets on his bike. Years in the fucking FBI and all I could get was this lousy informant and a warehouse full of drugs when that mad man is killing thousands and gaining power by the minute, the hooded man thinks to himself as he drives home.

Morning, Craig. What happened to your hands? asks John. Well, you know sparring, training and I blew off some steam, says Craig. Looks like you blew out a fuse not just some steam, don’t you ever take a break? asks John as he leans on the desk. This is me taking a break, says Craig jokingly. By the way, have you heard about the news? It seems a lunatic in a hood went in Death’s Head’s warehouse, beat up like fifteen guys, then called the police on the whole operation. James and Chuck are down there right now taking on this case, says John. Man in a hood, huh? says Craig as he touches his bruised knuckles. Craig, I have something for you, says Arthur. This is my cue to leave, says John. Here, says Arthur as he hands me a folder. Craig opens the folder and starts looking through it. What am I supposed to do with all this information? asks Craig. That’s exactly your job now. We must find a way to find the fuckers that planted those bombs in the subway stations. You have there locations, firms, names, addresses and we need to get a lead on this. Any lead, honestly, says Arthur. What the rest of the squad doing? asks Craig. They’re still interviewing people from the scenes. Workers, people in the vicinity, cameras, forums, the usual, says Arthur. Why me? asks Craig. You always had a broader perspective and we might need that, if we’re to find who’s behind this, says Arthur. Understood. Thank you and I’ll get on it, says Craig.

Ten thousand dead and many more injured as the major New York subway stations were targeted with bombs by a terrorist attack. Black smoke from the underground is pouring into the surface as police try to evacuate the zone and first responders prepare to go down. We go down to our live correspondent… Craig… Craig… John pulls on Craig as he thinks back on what happened in early February. What? Sorry, I was thinking, says Craig. Can you believe it? James let those fuckers down at the docks go. It seems they had contracts that stated that they shouldn’t go inside the warehouse unless it was an emergency, so technically they weren’t involved in the drugs that were handled there, says John. That sounds like fucking bullshit to me, says Craig. And guess who I have to go after? The hood, says John. What? asks Craig as he touches his knuckles. Yeah, it seems they deem the hood worse than literal fucking henchmen for a drug and arms dealer, says John. Motherfucker… says Craig as he gets up from his desk and leaves. Where are you going? asks John. I have something to do, says Craig. As Craig gets to the parking lot, he opens the compartment of his bike, takes out the bloody hood, changes into it and leaves. James, you corrupt piece of fucking shit. You wanna throw down? I’ll be there to take you and your whole operation down by force, says Hood.

You unholy things should have all died back then. But you were lucky that cowards hid you in their homes and had you lost so that you can blend in with people again. Hear my name, I Thomas of Bristol will have you and all your kind dead, says Thomas. A bit too dramatic for my taste when it comes to a confession. But not that I care much as long as that priest there listened to what you had to say, I tell Thomas. What? A Priest? Where? asks Thomas. You do realize this is a church, right? I ask. Sadly, I am no priest. I am a coroner. John of Sherbourne is my name and yes, I did hear the confession, says John. Well, this feels a bit underwhelming, I say. Stay away from me! I am warning you! says Thomas. You do not have the courage. If you kill me, they’ll know it was you who killed that poor man, I tell Thomas. But if I kill him, then they’ll know that it was you, says Thomas. Why? If it was you who I tried to kill, yet I killed him, what sense would that make? Why wouldn’t I just kill the both of you? I ask. He is right. No one is going to believe you as long as I live or you live, says John. Then I’ll kill myself, says Thomas. Good, you are making this easier for us, says John. What? asks Thomas bewildered. As I said, as long as either of us live, you will be the guilty one, John explains. What did I do? What did I do to deserve this? asks Thomas. You killed an innocent man, I respond. Give yourself up, says John. What about my mission? What about his demise? Why did this go so badly? asks Thomas. There is no justice in killing innocent people. And there is no mission that warrants such actions, says John.

I do not know what drove you to do this, not that it matters much anymore considering what you have done. But what happened long ago, has nothing to do with me or any others like me. Nor has it anything to do with you at this point. Unless you make it so it has everything to do with you by repeating the same actions of those that came before you. We just want to live and I do not imagine that I did anything to harm you or anyone you know, I tell Thomas. This has nothing to do with who you are, but what you are. You control the unholy, the satanic, the unnatural, the unhuman. And those like you should not exist and never should have existed in the first place. You and your kind have brought nothing but misfortune everywhere you went. Look at you… How many people have you seen die in London since you arrived? Seven? Eight? Ten? asks Thomas. Three dead, one wounded and I heard a story of a beautiful woman dying. And all the dead were from the will of wicked people like you, I respond. How dare you? asks Thomas. How dare I? How dare you to insult me and those my kind? How dare you tell anyone that they should not exist? That is something only God can decide. It is not on you or me to decide that. And I can say with certainty that I see no god before me, I respond. Thomas starts running towards me, trips and falls. John, the Coroner, comes and holds him down. Get off me! screams Thomas. John ties his hands behind his back. I will go after the Sheriff, says John. Please and thank you, I responds.

This won’t be the end of it, says Thomas. This is an end of this part of your life. It is up to you to change whatever comes after your punishment. And here I thought you were a friend, I tell Thomas as I sit down on a bench. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, says Thomas. A priest arrives at the church and I start explaining to him the situation. He is a liar, a wizard, a satanic spawn of the devil! I simply came here to seek sanctuary, says Thomas. But if he is lying, why would you need sanctuary? asks the Priest. Because he has them under his spell. He has the Coroner, the Sheriff, the Judge, them all under his spell. And they are coming for me! says Thomas exasperatedly. In God I trust that whatever the world is, whatever the people decide, it is for them to be judged by God in the afterlife. It is not my duty, nor is it in my power to judge. If you want sanctuary, we can give you sanctuary, but whether you face your punishment now or in the afterlife, it is up to you. Because sanctuary here, does not guarantee you entrance into the heavenly kingdom. To repent for your sins or to seek forgiveness from God are two different things from getting shelter by the church, explains the Priest. The Coroner enters the church together with the Sheriff. I may have not spoken soon enough, says the Sheriff. I will have my revenge, Thomas says looking directly into my eyes.

Do you know why I hate magic? asks the Bald man as he points at me with his knife. Why do you hate magic? I ask. Because if it is God’s will, as you said, he is doing a horrible job at being God, says the Bald man as he turns towards the sleeping man. What do you mean? I ask. I mean that… He says as he goes to stab the sleeping man in the belly… He is cruel… Vain… Useless… He says with each stab. Unable to speak, I stand there looking at his bloody hand and knife. See? He was a cutpursue, a man without home, without hope, without food or anything to his name. John MIilard… A… Fucking… Coward… says the Bald man as he kicks the body. Yet God could not save him and neither did you, continued the Bald man. What have you done? I ask. I see you finally found some words, says the Bald man. What’s wrong with you? I ask. Why would you care? He is but a poor man, nobody loved him. He was just a poor man, from a poor family. I just spared him his life from this monstrosity, says the Bald man. What have you done? I ask as I make a giant fire ball above my head. The Bald man starts making a hue and screaming for help. Help, help! This wizard killed a man and now is threatening to burn me alive! he shouts. What have you done? I ask getting closer and closer to him. Help! This wizard has lost it! Someone, please! shouts the Bald man. No one is going to believe you, I tell the Bald man as I extinguish the fire ball. We’ll see about that, he says looking intensely at me before shoving the knife into his right eye.

Slowly people gathered around us to see the theatrics of the Bald man screaming and shouting as I stand there with no idea of what to do. What happened? asks an older man. He stabbed that poor cutpursue and then when I confronted him, he came to stab me in the eye, the Bald man responds. If I had stabbed you both, why would I be standing here? I ask stupidly. Because you’re a wicked wizard sent by the devil himself, says the Bald man. I am no such thing! I exclaim. But yes you are, I hear a familiar voice say in a happy tone. Oh no, I sigh. I was right! I was right from the beginning! The wizard is a killer! Everywhere you go, someone died. You are a curse bearer and a killer! You killed a woman with a ripper when you first got here, and now you killed another man! exclaims Richard the Watchman. The crowd gets more and more volatile as Richard keeps spouting his nonsense. Burn the Wizard! Burn the Wizard! the Bald man starts shouting. Shut up! I in turn shout at him. The Bald man cowers behind some people. Is it true? someone asks. You a wizard? another asks. You the devil? another asks. Why you killed them? and another ask. God will smite you, another says. You will be trialed, says Richard the Watchman as he pulls on me. I look around to find the Bald man only to see him gone. Where’s the Bald man? I ask. You wanna kill him for good? asks someone. We won’t let you, added someone else. No! He’s the killer! He stabbed that poor man! I try to explain it. Tell that to the jury, judge and sheriff, says Richard the Watchman as he pulls on my wrist.

I don’t think I can argue my way out of this one, I think to myself as I yank my hand out of Richard’s moist grip. Lumino! I shout as I put my left hand over my eyes and blind everyone around me with a burst of light. What is happening? asks someone. I can’t see anything, another man bemoans as the crowd grows more confused as they are blinded by the light. Levitum, I whisper as I start slowly getting off the ground and above the crowd. I quickly start looking around trying spot the Bald man. A blood splatter I see leading away from the crowd of people who are starting to see again. That’s the problem with being a wizard and not being a full fledged magician, light magic doesn’t last that much, I tell myself as I follow the blood trail. Where is he? someone asks. Find him, I hear Richard shouting. He must have escaped to hell, I hear someone else explain making me almost burst into laughter as I turn the corner to a church. Church of the Friars of St. Mary of Mount Camel, long name for such a church, I whisper as I read the sign on the door as I open it. How? How are you here? asks the Bald man. I simply followed you, I tell him. But how did you escape them? he asks bewildered. Magic, I smugly respond. You won’t get away with this, he says. I wouldn’t worry about that, I tell him. What? he asks. Neither of us are leaving here until you confess to your sins in front of everyone, I tell him as I close the door to the church. I will kill you, the Bald man says angrily.

As de Glenham sat there with a bloddy face on the bench, the crowd had calmed down as they restrained with some rope le Taverner. From the crowd, one went after the Sheriff, one went after a priest, one after a jury of good men and one after a doctor. From the chatter it seemed that there were quite a few of de Glenham’s colleagues in law. The rest started looking for de Oxen, only to realize he had squeezed in through the crowd and left. My thoughts started running wild as I could not fathom what just happened in front of my eyes, again. Bringer of death, I hear a familiar voice whisper. What? I ask as I turn around to see a bald head with a grin on his face. It seems wherever you go, death follows, lad, says the Bald man. What are you doing here? I ask. Aye, well, I was bout to visit you at the Newgate, yet the Sheriff told me you were free. And when I heard a commotion I knew it was bound to take me to you, lad, says the Bald man. I start to look around behind him. Who are you looking for? The fat man? I wouldn’t worry. He was busy stuffing his face, says the Bald man laughing as he goes to sit right across from me. So why does death follow you? asks the Bald man. Death is everywhere. People die every minute. That doesn’t mean that death is following me, I try to explain. And how would you know that? asks the Bald man. It is simple, everything that was born, dies. Trees, bees, humans, fish, you and me, I tell the Bald man. But somehow, lad, wherever you stepped foot death followed, says the Bald man. Not everywhere, I rebuttal telling him about the Stephen’s Inn as the Sheriff enters the tavern.

I should have known you two are here witnessing this as well, says the Sheriff as he looks at me and the Bald man. I can’t help but let my head down as he looks directly at me. As the people explain to him the situation, the Doctor makes his way in to de Glenham. It seems I might have been wrong, lad. He might just survive this, says the Bald man. For how long? I ask as I watch the Doctor wrap some bandages around his forehead. Can’t you heal him, since you’re a wizard? asks the Bald man. Not unless you have the power of gods. Otherwise you’d have to give your own flesh, skin and blood of your own to help heal him. Or if there’s a good Samaritan that would do that instead, but otherwise no, I explain. What about those freshly dead? asks the Bald man. You’re quite imaginative, but no. It would just get infected and the wound would get worse. When the genocide of everything magical broke out, master told me that they tried healing magic and experimented. The only way to help is willingly give up what the other needs. We can’t take it, we can’t force it, I tell the Bald man. Quite inconvenient, I’d say, says the Bald man. Magic protects against magic. We can’t harm the man that slashed his forehead to heal the wounded, even if we wanted to and it was the right thing to do, I tell him. This magic of yours seems to be quite useless, says the Bald man. I give you that if you put a fish to climb a tree, it will do a terrible job. But have it swim, and he’ll do just what needs to be done, I tell the Bald man. I don’t care much for your riddles, lad, he says as he turns towards the crowd.

Take him to Newgate, says the Sheriff to a couple of watchmen that arrived to the tavern. Well glad to see this get solved this quickly and no particular drama come out of it, I tell the Bald man. Somehow that feels like you’ve sealed your own deal there, lad, says the Bald man. Please try and stay out of trouble, the Sheriff says looking at me. I don’t know how, apparently, I respond. You better stop talking before you find yourself in your own grave, says the Bald man. I don’t want no one young like you be burnt at stake, says the Sheriff as he leaves. I would not want that either, I respond. So what are you going to do next? asks the Bald man. Pay and leave. I do feel quite tired after everything that happened, I explain as I get up. As I pay the Lady I tell her how sorry I am for what perspired here and wish her calmer days. Out the door I turn to go towards Stephen’s Inn, but following me is the Bald man. Do you have anymore questions for me? Or why are you following me? I ask. We simply walk in the same direction, says the Bald man. I forgot to ask you. What is your name? I ask the Bald man. Names matter not these days. It is what you do with yourself that counts. A man with nothing to his name went to do a job, and a servant to a duke slashed a man’s forehead. A wizard brings death everywhere he goes, and a man simply follows to see the destruction. If the wizard perishes, so shall it be. If the man perishes whilst with the wizard, then so shall it be. Yet there is always the uncertainty of what lays before us, says the Bald man as we reach a man sleeping by a house. Quite poetic, I respond. Well, let’s see what the future holds for the wizard and the man, says the Bald man as he pulls out a knife.

Where is that prune? asks the man in the doorway. The Lady comes to meet with him. What do you two want with him? she asks. We have to talk and settle something. My friend will wait here so nothing will get a rise in here, he explains as he takes another step inside the tavern. Please let this be something minor, I think as I look to see other people’s reactions. God throw some brains or stone from heaven, hopefully something hits, she says as she turns to call for Wolfel. Lady, how many times have I got to tell you that there can be no people coming in to get lodging until after lunch. It’s still lunch. Let me do my business, screams Wolfel from somewhere in the back. There is someone looking for you, screams the Lady back. No wonder William sent us to talk to him. He seems thicker in the head, says the man. He has to wait then. I ain’t done here, says Wolfel. I am gonna go drag him out by his feet, says the man outside. Keep your wits about. William sent us to talk some sense into him not just kill him over the matter, says the man inside. Well, I think death may be upon him, I think as I leave my spoon down. What did he do now? asks the Lady. Oh no, don’t ask him that, I think as try to turn my back to the situation. He got in some quarrel with William de Cornwell a few nights ago. The details I know not, but I know William wants him to apologize, says the man. You speak nicely for someone with no home, says the Lady. It’s all God’s words I am using, says the man. Which church you going to? she asks. The church at Greyfriars, I usually go when William is doing service, explains the man. Great, if he finds out I'm a wizard, they’ll lynch me too, I think as I listen to their conversation.

Wolfel do not make these men wait in vein here, the Lady shouts. I am going to be there in a bit. Let a man have some dignity, he shouts back. The apprentice John now seems perturbed by the noise and puts down his book. And your friend? The same as you, a church goer? asks the Lady. Indeed, we both visit the same church, it is how we met. He is a fine lad, always able to land a hand when in need. Of course being the servant of William de Sandal does help, now doesn’t it, William de Taverner? asks the man as he chuckles. And what is your name, if you do not mine me asking, says the woman. John de Oxon, nice to meet you, says John. Good heavens thank you he gave out their names, let us hope their smart enough not to do something tragically stupid now, I think as don’t know what to do with myself. How did you know that I had no home? asks John de Oxon. In my line of work, you see all kind of people. And I have seen your kind before. There are signs that tell, she says. Who are you? asks Wolfel. Look whose face decided to be respectful and show his face, says the Lady as she leaves. So you are Jonh Wolfel, as I John myself I am disappointed in you, says John de Oxon. What do you want disappointed John? asks Wolfel. I want you to apologize, says de Oxon. Apologize for what? Taking a fat shit? asks Wolfel. You are disgusting. That is not what I am talking to you. It’s what you did and said to William de Cornwell, explains de Oxon. And who are you to him? asks Wolfel. I was sent here to get your sense together and do the right thing, apologize, says de Oxon. If I have sinned to someone God may judge me when I die, says Wolfel. Or you can just apologize, says de Oxon.

Ain’t words going through his head. So maybe I should make a new hole for the words to get into his head, says William de Taverner. Who are you? And what’s your problem? asks Wolfel. My problem is your thick birch skull if you do not come to apologize, says de Taverner as he draws his sword. Now hold your horses, says John de Glemham. Why’s there always someone trying to be a hero, I think as I lay my head in the palm of my hands. John Wolfel starts to scream and shout as he is held in place by de Oxon. Stop screaming or I will give you something to scream about, says de Taverner. As I said, calm down you two, says John. I am calm, respond both de Oxen and de Taverner. I am being attack! cries out Wolfel. Will you shut up! screams de Taverner in Wolfel’s face. People gather at the entrance of the tavern looking in curiously. I hate this town, I whisper as I look in horror at the four. Help! Help! Wolfel keeps on screaming. Just apologize! insists de Oxen. Let him and he’ll apologize, says John de Glemham as he puts his hand on de Oxen. You stay out of this, says de Taverner. Don’t do something you might regret, says de Glemham. All you shut up! I want him to come apologize and that’s the end of it, says de Oxen. That’s not how you get anyone to apologize, says de Glemham. You get back if you know what is good for you, says de Taverner as he swings his sword at de Glemham. John Wolfel faints as de Oxen let’s go of him. What have you done, you maniac! I told you not to bring that with you, says de Oxen. With a bloody face and a gash on his forehead John de Glemham staggers slowly back as he falls onto a bench. The crowd that gathered outside the door barges in jumping and holding de Taverner down. Why does this feel like a deja-vu? I ask myself as I see de Oxen flee the tavern.

We got the murderers! says a Watchman. Where are they? asks the Sheriff. They at the church at Greyfriars. It seems they confessed to the coroner and sheriffs there. Though they refuse to give themselves up, says the Watchman. Where are the jurors? asks the Sheriff. They at Alice’s place. Looking for the man, explains the Watchman. But who raised a hue to catch them? asks the Sheriff. It was a priest, William. He said he saw what happened and followed them after they ran out of here at the church at Greyfriars, said the Watchman. Shall I go assist with the arrest? asks the Sheriff. I don’t know. They are in the church and there’s three sheriffs there and a handful of watchmen, explains the Watchman. Good, then my services aren’t needed there, says the Sheriff. Wizard, wizard, Dirk pulls on me while whispering. Glad you’re back with us. They got the murderers, I tell him. What? I do not care about that anymore. How does fire not burn? he asks. Told you, magic fire is different from normal fire. It can’t harm living things, I explain. But that don’t make any sense, he says. What happened to your vocabulary? I ask. Listen here, you just change my whole life, I will use whatever word comes first to mind, now explain yourself, insists Dirk. Everyone has magic in them, like a blessing. Grass, animals, humans, birds, bees, fish, you name it, it has magic. And magic can’t destroy or harm magic. It can manipulate it to create fire, water, a block of dirt or to lift rocks, trees, houses and castles, if you’re strong enough. But, if you take two rocks and smash them, they break. Meaning magic can’t help if by nature you are dying or are able to decompose or deconstruct yourself, I explain. Wizard, you are coming with me, I hear the Sheriff yell.

Wait, no. Explain more, please, says Dirk. Sorry, but I do not want any trouble and if I remain one more second here, I think I’ll be dead meat, I tell him as I quickly leave the dungeon. I almost forgot why I even came here, says the Sheriff. Why did you have to yell that? Are you insane? I ask him. Well, it does not matter much. Since you are coming with me, says the Sheriff. Fine. Where and why? I ask. Outside. You are leaving this place. The jurors found that the man alive before dying and he left word that it was a priest. Richard Dicount is his name, you might have met him at Stephen’s Inn, says the Sheriff as we leave the prison. Then why did you bring me here? I ask. Had no other choice. You were there and you fit the perfect criteria, he explains. What do you mean you had no choice? I ask while throwing my arms up. The judge had slept until like an hour ago and the jury went to ask around, see if they can find any other witnesses. And I had to take someone in. It just happened to be you. And as it happens, the jurors couldn’t find any other witnesses. But it is beyond any shadow of a doubt that it is that Richard priest the killer. So, now you are free, he explains. But now people think I killed a man, I bemoan. Well, since you are free, they might realize that you are not guilty, he says. I have a suspicion that they won’t, I tell him. Well, whatever it will be, you will have to figure it out, he says as he gets in his carriage and leaves. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I ask myself as I am stranded before the prison.

Something to eat maybe. Hadn’t had the chance at food yet. They brought me in after breakfast and took me our five hours later before lunch, I talk to myself as I make a right hoping that I’ll find a tavern. As I walk down the street, as it would have it the smell of food hits my nose. I look to the left of me to see a tavern. I enter the smell of onion hits my face and my stomach starts to grumble. As I got sit at a table near the window, the only other four patrons there are sitting silently waiting for their food while either drinking their ale or sitting in silence. There is one young man reading a book, the first one I’ve seen reading anything here. Finally some peace, I think as I sit down. What is it you want? asks a burly lady. Do you have whiskey? I ask. Of course, these monks bring some great whiskey from the scots. What about food? she asks. Some pottage and a couple of slice of bread, I ask the nice lady. A fine choice. I’ll bring you the whiskey in a moment, says the lady. I have yet to understand why you wanted me here, Master, I ask as I look out the window to see the Bald man. Here’s your drink, says the lady. Thank you. Can I ask who that young fellow that is reading is? I ask. John de Glenham, apprentice of law at King’s Bench. He comes here to read and visit the prison every week, she explains. I thank her again as she leaves. Here ye, here ye! We’re here for John Wolfel, the helpful innkeeper of this here inn! shouts someone as they enter. Oh no… I sigh again.