Meta Valley

My boyfriend of three years and I broke up in August and it was far and away not a mutual decision. I had more-or-less centered my goals around the notion that we were going to be getting married next year, as our plan was to move in together in January of next year. He was constantly talking to me about proposing, so I always just took his words as his true intentions, but now that everything has been said and done, I wish that I would’ve guarded myself a little better. My whole life and goals revolved around him and I wish I could say that I had no regrets, but at the end of everything, I’ve been left broken and trying to cope during what I only know to call the hardest period of my life thus far.

When we broke up, he told me that he needed time to think about whether or not we would be able to get back together. I ultimately saw this as “we’re taking a break,” so I still kept in touch with him and tried to be there for him when he needed it; however, the same wasn’t reciprocated. I was left in the dark for an entire month during what was already an emotionally draining period, not knowing what was going on and left to try to focus on anything but while also working. Then, almost a month later, he came to me when we were having a normal conversation and just told me flat out that we weren’t going to get back together and when I asked him why, he told me that he had found someone new and was looking into new relationships. He had known that I had been suffering every day over this. I was still crying more-or-less every day over the whole situation and he knew that; however, in that moment he “was trying to let [me] know that [he] wasn’t interested in thinking about us right then.” He apologized for it later, but no amount of apologizing can fix how badly that wounded me.

He refused to talk to me for that whole month even though I had tried as hard as I could to speak to him and when he finally did, it was to break my heart even further. I don’t think I’ve ever been as miserable as I have for the past two months. Every time I’ve thought things were getting better, they’ve somehow managed to get even worse. Recently, he’s taken to messaging me and asking me how I’m doing, almost as if to check up and make sure he didn’t fuck me up as badly as he knows he did, and every time he does, I just want to scream and tell him to fuck off but I can’t even muster the courage to do that. I’m tired of having to even devote mental energy to this, but it’s hard not to.