Please Read.
So I’m moving blogs.
This will be the last post here. From now on, this tumblr serves as an archive. I decided a while back in an attempt to move on from all of the chaos and sadness that Iv’e gone through I need to start fresh. To do that, I’m trying to be positive and pursue different things. To start fresh however, I need to also move on from this blog.
I got this blog when I was around 13-14, I was a baby hetalian turned homestuck and used it to talk anonymously with RP blogs which I liked. My anxiety was pretty bad and I couldn’t bare to talk on my main blog. Eventually, because I was lazy, it turned into my main blog.
(for those curious, the first blog I ever had was dotsiebunny, but beware its rly weeby and full of things little baby me liked.)
So this blog is around 5 years old. It has been with me almost daily for my entire teen life and into adulthood. Over the time I’ve been blogging things have changed though. My depression and anxiety got worse, I cut off my father, cut of friends, made friends, and did pretty badly in school from everything going on all at once. Being on tumblr wasn’t helping either, because my group of peers had it as rough or even rougher than me. Through some core developmental years I was surrounded with depression and negativity, along with pure apathy and cynicism from the user base. I bought into it and became that way myself, which sure as hell did not help my prior issues.
I eventually found myself with no real goals, no real motivations, socially isolated, and no future it seemed. It was ironic because I used to see myself as void. Along with the homestuck god tier association, it was also a pretty big descriptor of myself. Originally when I took a fan test for your god tier I laughed almost cried because damn that’s about right I feel pretty much like nothing. Not depressed enough to be suicidal but enough to wish for a calm and un-noticeable end to a degree. Not sick enough to be To top it off, I’m aromantic and asexual so I couldn’t even fall back on the hopes that someone else could swoop in and make everything better. It was just like I was wading through lukewarm water all of the time, even emotions were just muffled.
It sort of was like that for a long time.
I was pretty freaking good at hiding it all though.
I always accidentally made friends with people who were sicker than me, or in a worse place, or just too nice. I didn’t confide in them because of guilt that it would worry them and make things worse. You can’t be supported by something that’s breaking apart as well. I sort of accidentally became a therapist to everyone I talked to in an attempt to keep them my friend because I can’t carry a conversation if It’s about me. Like, they would like me if I listen. If I didn’t keep quiet I would ramble for hours and talk about nonsense and they would only stay out of politeness. No one was ever honest about rude things after all. The only problem was with everyone relying on me I got weighed down even more than I was. I didn’t confide in anyone other than my mother and my therapist most of the time.
Shit just spiraled out of control suddenly and quickly though. A lot of shit which I’ll carry for a long time until I can fully get over it. Some of it I haven’t told a soul. But in the end I was left with a handful of people to talk to, and nothing to do to fill up the days. I dropped out of college and stop talking to almost everyone other than my mental health team and my family. By this time my depression was diagnosed as Dystimia and I got medicine for it and ADHD. Thankfully they started helping a bit.
As the dust settled, I started to get a bit more stable. So, after lying stagnant for a while I’ve decided to restart. It was incredibly cheesy how it went. I had cleaned with my life skills specialist that day and felt pretty good, put up flowers on my newly clean desk and when I was staring at them it sort of dawned on me. Flowers are beautiful, but die in the end. But, with time, they come back even bigger and more beautiful. I immediately realized that was cheesy as hell, but it sort of inspired me. Flowers have always been deeply involved in my life because of my mother. I’ve always been surrounded by them and never really noticed how amazing they were. It sort of gave me some hope.
If flowers can come back to life every year maybe I could too.
So, I decided to start over.
With that all said, I’m so thankful for everyone for being here though. Even if it was just a tiny thing knowing that someone actually took interest in my stupid blog gave me a bit of joy. So, I hope some of you follow me to my new blog as well, but don’t feel pressured ^v^ I’m not going to be blogging there like I do here. I’m not posting political things or drama. A lot more flowers and positive stuff. I want my new space to be happy. I’m also not going to worry about appearances much, it’ll be a bit more personal. So, if you want to, go follow me there! If you read through all of this congrats though! You now know more about me than my father lol.
From now on, I’ll be at SugaryEspresso.
Bye everyone, take care of yourself, and find something that makes YOU happy.
