veni, vidi, amavi.

রাত পোহালেই মহালয়া।

I can imagine how gorgeous you look right now. All decked up in the yellow fairy lights, the pujo sale at the shopping malls, people hustling and bustling to gather things for the pandals.

I am not at home this time. I'm miles away from you, in a completely different time zone at that. And it scares me. I had never thought I would live to see a day where I won't wake up at the soft sound of আশ্বিনের শারদঃপ্রাতে lingering in the misty morning air from the loudspeaker at the end of my alleyway.

My earliest recollection of mahalaya is my 7 year old self forcing my father to wake me up at 4 am, struggling to stay awake and falling asleep halfway through it. Waking up at 10 only to find out that I fell asleep and then yell at my father for not stopping me.

It all seems like a distant memory now. Some would say it makes a good story for the dinner table. But for me, it feels like home. I left a fragment of my heart with you when I moved out. Calcutta, it still beats in the same narrow alley in the heart of the city.

My mother once told me, "Never be so attached to something that you forget to live your life because of it". But how exactly do I live my life when I've only ever felt alive with you?

You have a weird scent, Calcutta. It wafts my nose everytime I breathe in your air. I miss it everytime I am away from you. Calcutta, you've taught me many things about growing up. And now I miss being a kid with you.

You know how they say home is where your heart is? Calcutta, you've been my home even before I had learnt what the word actually meant.

It terrifies just how fast time flew and my life got divided into befores and afters when only yesterday I was 10, skipping down the road in my new yellow sundress for অষ্টমীর অঞ্জলি.

I know you taught me that I can make a home out of any place as long as I want to, Calcutta. But they would still dim in front of you. You can rival the sun with how bright you burn. Nowhere else will I find a second you. You are my home, Calcutta. And you will forever and always be my home. No matter who or where I am.

On this auspicious day of mahalaya, I miss you terribly. And I hope you know, that I will be back. One day. I regret leaving you. But I promise one day I will not have to walk away from you anymore.

দেখ আলোয় আলো আকাশ

দেখ আকাশ তারায় ভরা

দেখ যাওয়ার পথের পাশে

ছোটে হাওয়া পাগল পারা

এত আনন্দ আয়োজন

where an act of love

in a world of fear

is both naivete

on the inevitable and loving despite, despite // a revisitation of this

Dear Priya, I've known you for a really long time, even though so much time has passed since we properly talk, I really haven't forgotten you, I never have, you're always on my mind and in my prayers, and you're truly the most precious person I've met online so far, it's early but I wanted to write in advance in case our times don't match, as you know our time zones are different, happy and delightful birthdays, I hope your new age opens up to a more peaceful and happy future for you, I hope your wishes and prayers come true, I hope you can achieve everything you want in the best way, I hope you are stay safe, peaceful and happy forever. By the way, yes we haven't met in real life but if we did, I would thank your mother, I thank your mother with respect for bringing you into this world, it's normal to thank her like this in Turkish culture, I hope there's no misunderstanding.. Love you so much blueberrie!!! ♥︎♥︎♥︎

Instead of new branches, I might grow deeper roots.

no one told me my twenties were going to be like this. i am heartbroken, almost constantly, yet the bottle of wine and dance party with my friends on a random tuesday, can piece it back together; a pink sky or an exceptionally good cup of tea or a song that comes on at just the right second, heals me for a minute.

and i’m starting to think that all i need to do is live for the series of these minutes.