(insert witty quote here)

He would be like the last person to know, Alexmis could get married, adopt a kid, wouldn’t know until he finds out his eldest son left all his money to some blonde kid he’s never payed attention to. (partially cuz he’s pissed that Alex is taller than him) The conversation would go something like:

Artemis Senior: This boy Alex Rider-Fowl must be important to Arty...

Angeline: *slightly sarcastic* Why would you think that?

Artemis Senior: In his will all his money goes toward Alex Rider

Angeline: They are married, it makes sense

Artemis Senior:  WAIT-WHAT??!!

Alex: *jumps out of a building that just exploded*

Alex: They don’t get why we live together what should we say?

Artemis: We’re dating

Alex: *coughs* What?

Artemis: *gay panic* It’S sO wE rEmAiN uNdErCoVeR

-------------------

2 years later: 

Alex: We should get married.

Artemis: *coughs* We completed the mission objective 17 months ago. 

Alex: *gay panic* LOOK dO yOu WaNt To StAy UnDeRcOvEr?

------------------

5 years later: 

Juliet: It’s so cute how you guys decided to adopt!

This is based on a wacky dream so.......

Artemis: Hello

Alex: Aw shi-

Later

Soulmate au where at 12 you get your soulmates first words printed on your arm. None of these characters are mine (except the serial killer :l) none of this actually happens in either series. Don’t sue me. 

Artemis

It wasn't often you were used as bait by the police to catch a serial killer. Yet here Artemis was, with said serial killer holding a bloody axe. The serial killer himself was called Jimmy Altair, a caucasian man who was as wide as he was tall. “You see boy, I’ll hack your body to pieces and put you in the river-” Artemis interrupted the man.

“I believe you won’t be killing anyone today. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be going.” The raven haired boy spoke, hoping that the bug in his suit pocket was picking everything up. 

“I don’t think you’ll be going anywhere,” Jimmy growled, jumping towards Artemis and swinging the axe wildly. D’arvit he thought, backing up quickly; almost tripping over his feet. Dodging left as Jimmy swung right, the deadly dance continued until Artemis was backed up against one of the crumbling barn walls. Jimmy smiled and raised the axe high above his head. “I’ve got you now.” Melodramatic? Perhaps. But it was arguably more dramatic as the British MI6 agent (tasked with arresting Jimmy Altair) saved Artemis at the last possible second, tackling Jimmy and sending the axe flying. The MI6 agent then wrestled the man into handcuffs. Ignoring the swearing, he looked over at Artemis for a moment, then smiled. “Guess he was a pain in the axe.” He said cheerfully. Artemis’ head spun. Guess he was a pain in the axe?! Artemis thought indignantly, replaying the man’s voice in his head. Noticing the man’s worried expression Artemis composed himself before replying, “That’s quite possibly the worst pun I’ve ever heard.”

---------------------

Alex

Alex hadn’t exactly planned on catching a serial killer in Ireland, honestly he was surprised that the serial killer himself wasn’t American. (As serial killers tended to be) But at least his task was straight forward, intervene when needed so the bait wasn’t chopped up into little pieces. The plan had gone off without a hitch, until the bloody serial killer whipped out an axe. Alex had been on the barn roof, out of sight, as he watched the wild scrambling in horror he waited for the pair to get close enough. When the serial killer(The Chopper) raised the horror-movie axe over his head Alex struck; diving down and tackling the man. Alex then quickly snapped the handcuffs onto the beefy man’s wrists. The adrenaline quickly wore off as Alex took a single deep breath and turned to check on the bait(Apollo or Artemis, Alex wasn’t sure.) who seemed unimpressed. Wow, his eyes are pretty. Alex’s brain thought. Shut up, smile, you’re staring. Alex smiled.

 “Guess he was a pain in the axe.” Something flashed in the man’s eyes, Surprise? When he didn’t respond Alex started to get slightly worried. Was he in shock? The man quickly composed himself, brushing some of his raven colored hair out of his ice-blue eyes before speaking. 

Soulmate au where you have your soulmate’s first words to you are printed on your arm at 12. 

Artemis-12 years old

Artemis wasn’t quite sure what to think when “Guess he was a pain in the axe.” appeared on his arm in barely eligible chicken scratch. He did make a point to avoid anything axe related, he certainly didn’t have time for a soulmate. He had to save his father and rebuild his family fortune first, of course. 

Alex-12 years old

A grin appeared on Alex’s face as he saw his soulmate’s first words to him appear, “That’s quite possibly the worst pun I’ve ever heard.” danced across his arm in cursive. Looks like I’ll be making a lot more puns. I wonder what she looks like? 

Orion: You, but straight

Bonus:

Feel free to use these headcanons for whatever. Enjoy :)

Who said college was hard?: Alex is blackmailed by MI6 (as usual) and goes undercover in America as a university student. (Mission objective is to get the U.S. to join the Allies) Artemis goes undercover as a university student to steal government secrets. They’re roommates. Chaos ensues. 

Chalk: A nice domestic au that has Alex and Artemis on a quaint suburban street that follows them growing up. Features them writing chalk messages over the years to each other.  

1920′s: Alex and Artemis are immigrants from America who get tangled up in the Chicago mob business (*cough*jonspiro*cough*). Artemis and Alex both get their butts saved by Butler. Artemis kidnaps Holly for ransom. Basically the Artemis Fowl book plots but with Alex and Chicago in the Roaring 20′s.

Soulmate AU (the soulmate au is not originally mine but a commonly used fanfic idea. This is just my version of it): Everyone has a song that is purely instrumental but represents their soul. Only your soulmate can hear it, and it increases in noise the closer you are to your soulmate. 

No-Damsel-in-Distress: Artemis is stuck in a tower but frankly doesn’t care. (Artemis in this au can’t leave anyway because his bottom half is paralyzed.) Alex climbs up the tower with Tom Harris. Artemis tells Butler to kick them out. (He’s in the tower because Artemis Sr. plopped him there. Butler is the tower’s caretaker)Alex intrigued; keeps coming back. 

Ethnicity bend: Everyone is BIPOC. Artemis is Ethiopian, Alex is Brazilian, Butler and Juliet are Cuban, Holly is Native Alaskan, and so on. 

Project Manhattan: World War 2 is raging and Alex is in the trenches, while Artemis is being paid to work on Project Manhattan (when the Americans dropped nuclear weapons on Japan, forcing Japan to surrender and killing innocent Japanese civilians.) How their paths cross is up to you :)