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YOU ARE THE REASON
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just like a woman | bob dylanÂ
she takes just like a woman, yes she does she makes love just like a woman, yes she does and she aches just like a woman but she breaks just like a little girl
Sometimes you meet someone, and itâs so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or youâre in love or youâre partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I donât know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.
unknown (via hohohomovikings)

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Save a dance for me: Shawn & Roni
Shawn let out a small laugh as he kissed her back, his hands falling to the her waist and resting at the small of her back. âWerenât those rules made to be broken?â He smirked as he held her close, placing a kiss on the top of her head as he ran his fingers along her arms. âI always wanted to take you to prom. I never went to my actual prom. Or well, I mean I passed by it. I got asked to go with this girl and I mean you had been gone for a year or two by then. Do you know what I did instead? I stole some cupcakes from that bakery near the foster home. Sat in our park and ate them. I thought of you sitting there with me and singing along to the small radio I had. I just wanted you there. I would have gave anything in the world.â He smiled softly and lifted her chin, kissing her lips softly as he they moved along to the music.
"Itâs scary, right? How much he looks like me?" He smiled motioning at his brother dancing with his girlfriend. "I think youâd really like him if you got to know him. He reached out to me, you know? Found me and wanted to know me. IâŚI just wish I could do more. Be there more but my dad..heâs such a jackass." Shawn shook his head and sighed as he kissed her cheek and pulled back to look at her. "But none of that. This is about you and me. What do you want to do? Any other prom wishes you want to knock off the list?"
Her head fell back a bit as a soft laugh left her lips, her body molding to his with ease. She knew his body, the curve of his hips,the slight arch at the base of his spine. She knew where each scar was, she had him memorized like the lines of her favorite poem, only he wasnât meant to be read, but felt and in this moment Shawn was her favorite poem to feel.âHmm, I sâpose youâre right.â She said her eyes falling shut as his lips spread warmth from the crown of her head to the soles of her feet. The idea of him with other girls twisted her face into a sour grimace for a moment befor she let a sigh part her scowl, âI had a date. I even had a dress..it was all planned out and then Matt died, so I ran away and while they were crowning prom queen I had just done my first day on set and was alone in this tiny apartment in Los Angeles and I baked cupcakes from mix I got at the dollar store..â Looking up she shook her head smiling up at him, âIâm here now..and we werenât meant to do things the right way you know-â Pausing she trailed her fingers up his spine toying with the collar of his tux, âWe do things when the moment is wrong and when itâs late out and we havenât slept. We do things late and I wouldnât have it any other way, Iâll have you know.â
Looking over at the boy her heart twisted at the memories from years ago, âItâs like looking at a boy I kissed on a pier once.â She mentioned with a flush of color flooding her cheeks. âShawny, I think he knows that..I mean youâre here and he wants you here. Do what you can for him by being there for him. Donât try to right wrongs that have been done already just do what you can now..always do what you can now.â Tucking strands of hair behind her hears she grabbed his face gently, âNo more cheek kissing for one,â She teased kissing his lips a bit too feverantly for a school function. âWell, I think Suzy Crabgrass has me beat for prom queen, but I think all thatâs left is to get drunk and lose my virginity to my highschool sweet heart.â Flushing with color she looked at him with a bit of cheek,âNow, I can handle the getting us drunk, but I havenât been a virgin since I was fourteen..but if you can just pretend with me for tonight we can do things right..how I used to dream.â She swallowed a lump in her throat as a shy smile pulled at her cheeks pressing dimples in their place.
Save a dance for me: Shawn & Roni
 "Donât worry, if you donât win prom queen, Iâll get you a tiara myself." He smirked as he held out his hand for her, lacing their fingers together as he kissed her cheek and adjusted his tie. "Okay weâre going to act just like we did when we stole the cupcakes because Kev told me we have to sneak in the back." Pulling her along, he looked around before texting his brother and smiling as he saw the back door pop open. Wrapping his arms around Kevin, he kissed the side of his head and smiled brightly. "Kevin Iâd like you to meet my best friend, Roni. Roni Iâd like you to meet my little brother..Kevin." Kevin smiled up at her and looked at Shawn with a smirk. "You did say she was beautiful. Um this is Jenny, my girlfriend, Jenny this is my brother and his friend Roni. Alright these teachers are totally clueless so just follow me and the dance floor is yours." Shawn nodded and smiled at Roni, wrapping his arm around her waist as they followed Kevin inside.
Shawnâs eyes widened as he took in the auditorium around them. Every single space was covered in some kind of decoration and balloons littered the floor as a DJ played music from on top of the stage. He let Kevin go to dance with his girlfriend and turned to Roni as he held his arms out. âTold you Iâd take you to prom someday. As if on cue, a slow song started to play and Shawn held out his hand for her. âMs. Clemens, may I have this dance?â He smirked as he pulled her close to him, one arm wrapping around her waist as he planted a soft kiss on her cheek as they started to move to the music. âHow am I doing so far?â
âWith jewels and all?â She laughed taking his hand, âSo act like weâre supposed to be here then?â She wrinkled her nose in a smile nearly tripping over her feet as she followed along behind him. Missing her senior prom had been something she had looked back on with a twist in her abdomen, imagining what it would have been like to pull on an elegant dress and dance with boys she never spoke to or even Jack and drink water downed punch and dance to music the teachers thought were cool. Back then the idea seemed trivial and now she found herself pumped full of adrenaline practically flying. Stepping back at the swinging door Roni let a sheepish smile cross her lips as she waved from Shawnâs side at the couple. The boy looked a lot like Shawn when he was much younger and she imagined him taking her to prom at seventeen and decided there was no better time than twenty at a prom that technically wasnât even hers, but she knew theyâd make it theirs.
âIâm only mad you didnât ask me in some big to do..but this is,â Pausing she took in the room, the sparkling decorations turning the auditorium into something out of a fairytale. âThis is amazing..my very first prom.â She mused half covering her mouth in awe.â I thought youâd never ask, Mr Pearson.â She giggled forming delicately into his frame her face turned up to keep her eyes on the best view in the entire room. âThis is perfect..â Running her fingers down his spine she pecked his lips gently pulling away with a flush of color dancing over her cheeks, âPDA is against school rules, so donât get too handsy..not that I mind.â She bit her lip before laying her head on his chest letting him lead her around the floor as the melody faded into nothing more than background noise.Â
Save a dance for me: Shawn & Roni
 He faltered in his steps as she commented on his scars. Squaring his shoulders and sighing he turned to her and sighed. âYou know exactly what happened.â Shrugging, he started to walk towards his room, smirking as he watched her walk away. âSuch a dork.â He walked to his room and pulled on one of his more casual suits, sliding on his shoes and tying them quickly. He was fixing his tie as she walked into his room. âWhy thank you, you look quite lovely yourself.âÂ
He checked his phone and stuffed his wallet into his pocket before grabbing his keys. âIâm not going to tell you but its somewhere weâve never been before.â He smiled as he held his arm out for her and led her out of the house, holding the passenger door of his car open for her before sliding into the drivers side and pulling out of his parking spot. He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he drove, stealing glances as her as they drove. Pulling up to his brothers school, he motioned to the prom banner hanging outside. Holding his hand out for her, he smiled brightly. âRoni Clemens will you go to prom with me?â
Blinking rapidly she had to readjust herself around the truth those scars revealed. Puffing her cheeks she looked him up and down before going to get ready. Leaning against the bed post she traced the pattern of the sheets avoiding looking at him for longer than she should have. âThis old thing?â she ran her hands dramatically over her slight curves , the black draping her feet in an almost dramatic way. âIt looks good on the floor too.â She teased with a wink stepping forward to straighten his tie running nimble fingers over his color lingering with a soft smile before pressing her lips gently to the curve of his cheek. âYou really look great.â
 Roni lingered for a minute longer before him, the ground she had been standing on lately had been shaky at best she never knew whether she was coming or going these days, but with Shawn if he was here and she could see him, know he was real then she could hold on to the last bit of stability she had left; Shawn was her still point, the only unsaid promise she could count on.âThe moon.â She commented dramatically fluttering her lashes playfully at him, âIâd go anywhere with you Shawny.â
 Outside of school she pressed her finger tips to the window of his car a jubilated laugh parting her lips as she fogged the mirror writing yes with her finger into its place. Prom had always been a far off notion something not for her and here she was steps away in the absolute most literal sense.  âIf Iâm not prom queen Iâm going to be really pissed.â She teased jumping from the car the sound of perfectly placed youth filtered through the distant music that left her both nostalgic and light.
Slow it Down || Roni & Connor.
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"I was waiting for you to start bragging." he laughed. "Nobody back home would believe that Iâm dating a super model." he smirked, before his lips fell into a straight line, realising what he had just said. They hadnât even talked about that yet, what they were even doing here. Were they back together? A couple? What was this exactly? All of the questions that would have to go unanswered for now. This was the main priority for now, because there was no point in pulling her into a complete mess again.Groaning as the rag stung his arms for a second, before they cooled his raw skin, he looked up to her. "Maybe itâll feel better then" he half joked, wondering stupidly that if he ripped his veins out, maybe the cravings would stop. "Itâll be over soon" he told her, but in an attempt to convince himself more than her. Laughing lightly, before he coughed, he shook his head. "Itâs curious cat you loser, even I know that" he chuckled. "Once youâre here, weâll be fine" he nodded, repeating what she had just said to him over and over again. It was the only thing getting him through this right now.Â
Connor didnât react when she suggested a bath. He had no idea what he wanted, and no idea what would make him feel better, so he decided to go along with her, maybe it would help. He felt like a small child while she stripped him, but he didnât complain. âThanksâ he simply worded, watching her, her lips on his chest, masking the constant ache that flooded him. âIt isâ he nodded with a small smile. He really believed that too, for the first time he could see that things could be good for him.
He let her guide him into the tub, pulling his weight so that she wouldnât fall over. This would all probably be easier if he was the typical drug addict, thin and frail, at least sheâd  be able to carry him. âI donât know.â was the honest answer to her question. He had no idea what felt right for him right now, but it wasnât causing any extra discomfort, so it seemed to be alright. The feeling of her wrapped around him helped, a lot. He didnât feel so alone, that was the difference between now and the time he had been in rehab. Locked in an unfamiliar room, alone, with the presence of strangers every now and again. This was easier. âI promise you, and I promise myself that we will never have to do this again.â he told her, leaning back into her, he closed his eyes.Â
âOh give it time love..my hide will be as big as my billboards..Nothing says fame like having your face over time square.â She laughed pressing her lips gently to his, pulling back she could still taste the words he had just said over his lips, not an ounce of regret passed her own as she smoothed hair back away from his face, âand Iâm dating a beautiful man,â She spoke without a hint of teasing her tone entirely serious as she hoped to clear some of the confusion that had to undoubtedly come from the situation they were in.
It had taken Roni all of her youth to grow up, to mature and figure out what it means to love someone. That it was more than just a few words and peppered kisses. It was more than just saying I promise, it was doing and not giving up, it was honesty even when the truth was ugly and tasted like bile coming up. This, seeing him like this and not running for the arms of another man was a love Roni hadnât let consume her before now. âHush up, you idiot.â She half teased kissing his bruised veins, âCuriosity killed the cat.. I know that, loser.â Nodding she held his hand for a moment feeling the pulse of his heart in his fingertips reminding herself he would be ok.
Nodding she kept cupping water over his spine careful not to put too much pressure on him, too much weight or force him for too long to do anything. â Good..I canât keep watching you go down this road..I love you far too much to not be broken hearted from this stuff.â She admitted, for once it wasnât about being too selfish to watch him hurt, or too absorbed in the past to separate then then from the now, but instead it was love and being too afraid to lose him. The past wasnât a factor now in the humming of her heart begging him to get better, the only thing that continued to exist in her world was the him and her and how it felt to know he was going to be ok even if this took several days, he was going to come through and when his face was pink and his body strong sheâd love him then and do it all over again just to keep him together.Â

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Slow it Down || Roni & Connor.
 His lips tugged up to the side in his best effort of a smile when she told him she was staying. It meant much more to him now than it ever had before. Before, it had been him doing the promising, but now, they both knew well they would be in this for the long haul. It made him smile hearing the confirmation, and feeling her lips on his forehead, the pain went away, just for that small moment. In rehab, nothing helped, and he felt like he was dying, whereas now, with Roni by his side, it felt that tiny bit more tolerable, and that was significantly important to him.Â
"Thatâs just mean, implying that I look this terrible all of the time." he joked with her, a small laugh escaping his raw throat. Nodding as she confirmed that it was in fact his body temperature playing tricks on him, the shivering only worsened. Curling into himself, he brought his knees towards his chest, an effort to keep the heat both out and in. It was terribly confusing, and he was unsure of what to do most of the time. Nothing felt right, but of course, the only thing that would feel right at this moment was the prick of his skin and the liquid rushing through his veins. His skin itched like crazy, and he had already torn the length of his arms with his blunt nails. He was now moving onto his legs, where the track marks continued, the prickling irritation never ceasing. "No" he shook his head, a weak smile casting over his chattering lips. "Never again." he shook his head again, nodding to the cat who had entered the bathroom and curled up beside him. "She always has to be in on the action" he smiled as he gripped his legs tighter.Â
Weakly nodding at her request, he rested his face on the tiles, listening as she padded around the apartment. He found it difficult that he had lost control, he couldnât even stand up without his legs falling out beneath him. Some may say that Connor may be a control freak, he likes to do things his way, and right now, not being able to walk around after her killed him. He just wanted this to be over already, but that would be too easy. They make it hard for a reason, and maybe that wasnât exactly a bad thing. He reached out to grab the bottle, he shakily tipped it into his mouth, the taste revolting against his dry tongue, only making him heave once more. After a small sip, he set it down on the ground picking up his phone and scrolling through his contacts. Delete. Delete. Delete. Every single number, dealer, heroin user, gone. There was no going back now. It was finally time for him to grow up, get over the past and move on.Â
âWe all canât be super models.â She teased lightly unable to really laugh. It hurt seeing him like this, it was like being sixteen and watching Matt kill himself slowly all over again. Closing her eyes Roni had to remind herself she was a twenty year old woman now, that Connor wasnât dying he was coming clean. Blowing a cool breath languidly from her lips she counted silently to three before opening her eyes. Standing she wrung out a lukewarm rag and applied it gently over each of his arms one at a time. âYouâre going to rip your veins out if you keep that up. â She smiled weakly wishing she could keep him from hurting more than he already was. âGood..I hate seeing you like this.â She admitted taking the cooling cloth gently over his forehead. âNosy cat.â She scratched the space between her ears before soaking the rag again, cleaning his finger tips and back over his legs. â Youâll be out of this soon..and Iâll still be here.â She promised with a genuine smile imagining his flesh without the bruised and red speckled constellations of abuse. Oh how that was something to truly be admired
. As he ticked through his phone Roni turned the tap on lukewarm letting the water fill to the brim. Her fingers danced over the glassy surface rippling the pure water to occupy herself until she heard the clicking stop. Facing him she looped her arms under his, âOk love, letâs get you in the bath..yeah? â She struggled with his weight nearly falling over as she lifted him. â Lay off the Cheetos will you?â She mused aloud playfully as she peeled his shirt away from his chest as delicately as possible. Taking in a sharp breath she kissed his exposed flesh gently rubbing her fingers along his face her face turned up towards his, âItâs going to be ok.â
 She assured him before working away the rest of his clothes. âCome on help me help you in.âOnce his body had slid into the water sloshing some onto the floor Roni slid in behind him without removing her cami or the thin cotton over her bottom. The fabric floated up around her middle as she put both her legs on either side of him pressing her front into him offering him support.  âIs the water too cool or too hot?â she questioned cupping handfuls of water down his spine hoping this would console some of the pain he was undoubtedly faced with.Â
Slow it Down || Roni & Connor.
He heard her soft footsteps inching closer and all he could do was scrunch his eyes tighter, not wanting to see her see him like this. Unable to move, he succumbed to her, allowing his head to flop onto her lap, as he opened his eyes, looking up at the beauty of her morning face. Shaking his head he mouthed a ânoâ as he breathed heavily, attempting to suppress the nausea which was only getting worse. âYou donât have to stay hereâ he told her in his distinct croaky voice, his throat cut from the continuous vomiting and coughing. Â He hated that she saw him at his worst, his most vulnerable. It was embarrassing if anything, but it was Roni, and he knew she wouldnât leave even if he had begged. Even still, he gave her the option every few hours, especially at times when he wanted the ground to swallow him up.Â
"Itâs not fair" he smiled up to her. "You look extra pretty today, and I look like complete and utter shit." he smirked, before he swallowed roughly, his teeth chattering once again. "Making me look bad." he said softly, before he swung his head over the toilet, dry heaving. He hadnât eaten anything in over a day, but the vomiting continued, his body basically convulsing every few seconds. "Itâs so hot, is the heating on? Fucking hell." he complained as he flopped back onto the floor, his shivering bones in disagreement with his previous statement. His head bobbed to the door, where his white cat sat, watching everything as she stuck her nose up in disregard. Connor chuckled lightly, pointing his shaky finger to Polar, trying to find any inch of humour in the situation. "She doesnât approve" he smiled, closing his eyes as he felt the cool tiles on his hot skin.Â
The temptation was there, he knew it would always be there. As much as he complained about the lack of dealers, or the quality of the product, it was incredibly easy for him to get it in his hands. This may seem like the hard part, the aching veins, the nausea, the fever, but compared to the allurement of the drug he would face for the rest of his life, this was a piece of cake. âRon?â he whispered, his eyes remained closed. âWould you get my phone for me?â he asked. He wanted to commit to this one hundred percent, and if that was the decision, he may as well finish off everything now.
Nodding Roni continued to smooth hair from his face until it all smoothed back away from sticky skin and she could see the hurt in his eyes without the shadow of dark locks. âI know.â She replied a meek smile tugging at the corners of her lips as her fingers found places to wonder and etched more fading shapes in his skin, just to keep moving to keep from thinking too long on what was happening around her. Sitting in the eye of a man made storm with no intentions of moving. âIâm here to stay.â She spoke after a few moments a stronger smile and a kiss pressed gently to his temple, âIâm here.â She repeated more for his benefit just in case he hadnât heard her the first time. He had been telling her she could leave several times every hour and every time she told him no, even if she had said yes she knew her heart was far too heavy to stray further then the kitchen when leaving his side.
Looking away with a flush and a smile she rested her chin on her shoulder blowing blonde from her face, âYou know this is the most beautiful Iâve ever seen you.â She smiled; it was hard seeing him like this. Like he was tearing apart at the seams ready to explode the life he had left all over the room, but there was something beautiful about coming clean no matter how gruesome it may be, how raw and inhibited it was in all those stitched together moments she found out just how strong he was. Frowning as he heaved into the porcelain bowl she knitted her fingers into knots shaking her head, âNo.â Motioning out the door, âAll the windows are open..the AC is on too.. Itâs just the drug leaving your body.â Looking to where he was pointing Roni shook her head, âNo, I donât think she does, we wonât do this again, right?â She mused taking his hand loosely in his careful not to put too much pressure on him.
Standing reluctantly she felt a tight pinch in her chest weary, huffing lightly, âYeah..but after weâre getting you in a bath..and youâre gonna drink some juice for me so you donât dehydrate, ok?â She smiled squeezing his hand and running to grab what he needed. Returning with the whole container of apple juice and his phone she sat her legs open on either side of his. Unscrewing the caps he extended the bottle to him, âDrink, then you can have your phone..please.â It wasnât really a question but she left it as and sat his phone just by his clenched finger tips.
Slow it Down || Roni & Connor.
Rolling over in the bed, Connor jumped awake when he felt a body next to him, rubbing his eyes only to reveal Roni. He breathed a sigh of relief, sitting up, only for his body to collapse back onto the mattress again.He wiped the sweat from his forehead, only for it to be replaced a minute later, his body shivering as he wrapped himself in the sheets. This was it. This was the last time he was doing this. It was different this time, he wasnât being forced, it was his decision.Turning his head, his eyes fell to the girl beside him. Her blonde hair covering her closed eyes as she tangled up next to him. That distinct smell of berries filled the room once again, and although his body was aching, everything seemed right.
Even though it seemed like he may be doing this for her, just to get her back, there was more to it. Connor had finally realised that this was killing him, and as miserable as he had been feeling the past few weeks, he never wanted to die. There was no exact trigger in which the realisation came about, maybe it was Reinaâs constant caring, Mikeyâs shouting, or the overdose two nights ago. Either way, he was ready. It was his decision, and he was nearly sure that he wouldnât go back. It was almost as if something clicked with him, he had been brought back to reality, and that reality was something he wasnât proud of. He was ready to strive for more than just a small apartment in New York and a lower class job. This was just the first step in the fresh new start he was finally ready for.
The feelings were there, the want was there, but his body did not care. The seething pain throughout his entire body was almost excruciating, paired together with the constant itch for the drug, he could do nothing but shake. Abruptly, the nausea set in, and he pulled himself from the bed, running to the bathroom to throw up. He knelt on the floor, emptying the contents of his stomach. Running the tap he rinsed his mouth before he lay on the cold tiled floor, unable to relax his body as he groaned lightly, curling up and scrunching his eyes closed in an attempt to make it all go away.Â
It hadnât been long since her eyes had fluttered unwillingly shut, she had watched the tottering rise and fall of his heaving chest, tracing crooked shapes and swirls over bare bits of his flesh blanketed in a sticky sweat that no matter how cold he appeared to be with quivering lips and rattling bones, didnât seem to fade. She traced her favorite constellations of the freckles in his clammy flesh and wrote I love you hundred times over until she was sure his body wouldnât forget what it felt like to be loved by just the tips of her fingers. Finally asleep she felt an odd sense of peace knowing this sleep wouldnât last more than an hour if she was lucky, if he was lucky to make it that long. Curling into him as he stirred she sighed in her sleep waving blonde locks from her face, this was where she needed to be. From the loss of Caine, to the loss of him, to every day she dreaded most during this time of the year she had somehow lost herself in the bottom of a bottle several weeks ago.
In between that time and now seemed like several life times ago, maybe even in a different world that no matter how many times she showered she couldnât wash her sins away. She watched him shrivel away from the man she had fallen in love with, she had blatantly ignored her sister and finally when her face was glossed over the very magazine she had been vying for, for two years, it was then that something numb finally clicked. She didnât want it any more, none of it. She didnât want this life she had built from the rubble of her misplaced youth, or the lies she had shouted so willingly while sticking her tongue out in between berry kissed lips as if she was a nine year old child singing nananana, you canât get me; and the night she left him, the night she stood on the tip of a ledge looking into the ocean of people sheâd never met she realized who she was and who she was, was someone she didnât know nor did she want to be. It was then she knew something had to give, starting with him and give to him she would give the only thing she had left, her heart.
Feeling his weight leave from beneath her finger tips Roni stirred blinking stolen sleep from her eyes pulling tangled sheets up over her chin as she listened with a heavy heart before swinging one leg over another away from the false security their shared bed had given them. Walking in she sat easily on cool tile just in front of him gently lifting his head over her thighs as she brushed matted hair from his forehead while humming the tune to ring of fire, â Do you want water, juice, food..anything?â She questioned every word heavy with concern and care as she watched him fight a fitful battle with his very own demons manifested by his own shaky hands.Â
"Can you ever keep your hands to yourself?" He questioned her between heated kisses, her own fingers tracing I love yous over his spine. âNo, now why would I?â She mused shoving him past the lingering couples sipping from sparkling flutes and dark bottles. âYou know Cutie, no one comes back here.â Whispering against his cheek as her fingers wandered under his shirt the familiar beating of his heart warming her cheeks. With each beat she felt she fell more in love with him and all the things he was and wasnât to her taking comfort in the fact that he was as close to everything any one had come to being to her. The lingering fear of what may come hidden in a different kind of dark as the couple groped one another in the dimly lit hall like reckless drunk teens who had just fallen in love.
I keep running down from heights that I remember
Rolling over she took all the warmth and the sheets with her leaving the lingering scent of strawberries and a boy she should be over. Shawnâs breathing steady and promising she smoothed a few stray hairs from his face with a few peppered kisses before swinging long limbs over the edge of the bed. Her Annieâs cover laid face up, her photo staring back at her; two years. Two years of I canât do this, two years of tears and two years of Iâll never be enough. It had been two years of hell for something she was never sure of until she held it in her hands. This was tangible reality, truth and proof that she had done something that her mother and father could be proud of, it was real and she could touch it and see it and time couldnât take this away even when everything else faded to grey. Tracing her own flat features she imagined all the people who were missing out on this moment and in her selfishness she wished she could pull them all back from the place in her dreams where she always found them, nestled in her memories like cracked film that sometimes skipped out on reality.
Her throat began to feel like she was attempting to swallow sand paper the longer she allowed herself to remember, the more she fought it the harder it became. Heaving shoulders and a languid sigh she stepped out into the crisp November air, a lighter between shaky fingers and a cigarette pressed between words unsaid. Billowing smoke left the sky line clouded and melancholy for a moment before the smoke cleared. Everything was still a smudge foggy and dismal, maybe she thought, thatâs how life was meant to be; always despondent and on this teetering of what ifs and some sort of vocation. Swallowing her tears she pressed hair over her face inhaling the scent of him and her youth and a stolen car left just where they had found it. Dragging to the edge she looked down into the sea of people and cars all going by at different speeds and in different directions like waves would have on a night just like this, cool and in the past, and she wondered if this is how Caine had felt when he stood up there looking down at an end to a means. Sighing she flicked her cigarette away lifting herself on the edge looking over almost nearly tipping to the bottom and she wasnât afraid. Gripping the cool bars she imagined if this is what it felt like to be at the fine line stuck between life and death; if she had been brave enough to lean a little further she could felt the words to all the things left unsaid whispered on the end of sorrowful sighs disguised as chilled wind brush by her in barely whispers.
Her eyes closed so tight her features left almost unrecognizable as she fought away the tears, âAre you proud of me?â She breathed releasing the hold she had over herself. She felt her chest tighten and her heart collapse in its weary state, âI said are you proud of me?â She repeated her voice watery and cracked with each syllable. âPlease..are you proud of me?â She asked again to all the almost lovers and good night kisses she never got from the missing fates and the parents too selfish to know when enough is enough. Â They all played their games, tugging at life lines, giving too much slack to the heart strings that snapped back leaving her cracked.Crying out a crippling sob she leaned over further glancing back at the people and cars full of more people all living individual lives and she imagined them again as bleak nothingness and waves of chilling concrete, a means to an end.Â
Swinging her legs over the ledge she sat on the edge, trembling fingers, a shattered heart and more left unsaid. Â She imagined her mother, a gun to her temple and how her fingers must of shook, Alex falling and how falling must feel an awful lot like flying and Caine, dear sweet lost boy and his musings of fate. She wondered if it felt like flying for him or if he had regretted it once it was too late. Looking over she wondered if sheâd regret it, if sheâd feel like flying or if it was just what it was without any poetry and how sad it must really be to only fall when youâve built yourself up. Her fingers shook for a moment longer and soon even her tears dried âAre you proud of me?â Still holding on looking for approval from the dead, silence and nothingness. Another sob as a gust of wind pushed her footing. Losing her footing she shook as she looked down and again saw the bleak nothingness and the world screaming coward in her face as she climbed back over falling into a cushioned patio chair with a sigh. Shaking her head she rubbed her palms into her eyes. This was fate and no matter how hard she tried she would never have control even when she pushed herself to that insubstantial line between the here and there.

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Life always had a way of giving the blonde girl exactly what she needed when she didnât expect it in all the wrong times. It had been true for as long as she could remember, from the loss of her mother to the constant loss of her heart every time she watched Jack leave. Lucky for her there were those rare occasions and moments where it was just him and her, no one else, nothing else. It was the winter it all seemed to fall from under her feet, from Alex to the reality that she might not make it to the next Christmas. They were both still pink in the face with love and the flush of winter. Picking at the hem of her coat Roni zipped her coat with finality looking to Jack her features pulling into a dimpled smile as she wrapped her arms around Jackâs neck from behind pressing a kiss to his ear lobe, âItâs snowing.â She cooed happily her eyes heavy with sleep she was fighting off, because sleep meant waking up tomorrow and tomorrow was going to be her first round of chemo.
Running her fingers through the spaces in his she nodded towards the door once more before his features matched hers in a somber knowing smile. Pulling him away from the exit she pulled him to the stairwell exit towards the roof. Each step towards the top she heard her heart beating in her ears like she was coming closer and closer to everything she could ever want. Closing her eyes as she pushed open the roof door she pulled his hand closer to hers inhaling the virgin snow, âThis is the best weâll ever be.â She smiled kissing his cheek and running across the roof top leaving fast fading foot prints fit just for her behind her. Hearing Jack close behind she twirled around hurling a snow ball lightly at him her tongue stuck out at him.
For a moment she had let her fears fall away into each falling snow ball, she had let herself become consumed with love and promise. Each laugh was a promise she wouldnât be able to say out loud, even as her fingers froze and the lights begun to make her dizzy she kept moving with the snow until falling into his arms. Her lips twisted into dimpled expressions and she thought of all the words and moments they could of had, all the things he could say, all the things she could say. Licking her lips she opened her mouth to speak feeling the dizzying infinities surrounding her, âIâm not afraid..â She nodded closing her eyes before capturing his lips with hers and for a moment it felt almost like they were dancing.
And how can I sleep when I still see you in my dreams.
Pressing her eyes shut she whimpered in her sleep rolling over and sculpting her body to the frame of the body sleeping next to her, she inhaled his familiar scent her nose instantly wrinkling up in unfamiliar familiarity that she wasnât expecting. Blinking awake she wiped sleep from her clouded chartreuse hues a soft whimper parting her lips as she looked down to the body of the sleeping boy who loved her more than she possibly deserved. Desperation seeped in as she suddenly found it impossible to breathe.
Taking each breath more shallow than the next she tried to clear her mind of the haunting images that still swimmed in her reprieve; his body blue and ethereal just beneath a glassy surface so clear she could see own blonde distorted reflection from up on her apartment ledge. When she was looking down it was like looking up the water was now stars and the stars replaced with water and even though the rolls of the sky and rivers had switched on her the swimming image beneath her hadnât changed.
His hair still fanned out from the crown of his head, dark twisted little coils and his mouth was pressed into all the shapes of a million different things left unsaid, but he was there reaching up just brushing by her fingers. Crying out she remembers the way the muscles in her arms contracted as she reached out over the ledge on the tips of her toes, the image before her flashing between a busy street alive with noisy cars and the placidity of him and defying fate. Then nothing, just like all the rest.
A beautiful image of the maybeâs and the unfinished sentences all in one breath and in a heart rush blinding moment it was gone and she was left tangled in sheets sticking to each dip of her body as she searched out for the intimacy she needed, only to find it wasnât there and perhaps never would be again. From the man who danced with her until the sun came up, the boy who writes poetry with polaroids of her out of focus like every beat of her heart.
She knew they both would always have something in common, missed opportunity and a breathless unspoken flurry of confessions that would never be on time. Feeling choked she gripped her throat sucking her lips between teeth as salty tears pressed through her eyelashes already stuck together with tears she had been fighting off for some time now.