Oh dream maker

 Roni lingered for a minute longer before him, the ground she had been standing on lately had been shaky at best she never knew whether she was coming or going these days, but with Shawn if he was here and she could see him, know he was real then she could hold on to the last bit of stability she had left; Shawn was her still point, the only unsaid promise she could count on.“The moon.” She commented dramatically fluttering her lashes playfully at him, “I’d go anywhere with you Shawny.”

"I was waiting for you to start bragging." he laughed. "Nobody back home would believe that I’m dating a super model." he smirked, before his lips fell into a straight line, realising what he had just said. They hadn’t even talked about that yet, what they were even doing here. Were they back together? A couple? What was this exactly? All of the questions that would have to go unanswered for now. This was the main priority for now, because there was no point in pulling her into a complete mess again.Groaning as the rag stung his arms for a second, before they cooled his raw skin, he looked up to her. "Maybe it’ll feel better then" he half joked, wondering stupidly that if he ripped his veins out, maybe the cravings would stop. "It’ll be over soon" he told her, but in an attempt to convince himself more than her. Laughing lightly, before he coughed, he shook his head. "It’s curious cat you loser, even I know that" he chuckled. "Once you’re here, we’ll be fine" he nodded, repeating what she had just said to him over and over again. It was the only thing getting him through this right now. 

Connor didn’t react when she suggested a bath. He had no idea what he wanted, and no idea what would make him feel better, so he decided to go along with her, maybe it would help. He felt like a small child while she stripped him, but he didn’t complain. “Thanks” he simply worded, watching her, her lips on his chest, masking the constant ache that flooded him. “It is” he nodded with a small smile. He really believed that too, for the first time he could see that things could be good for him.

It had taken Roni all of her youth to grow up, to mature and figure out what it means to love someone. That it was more than just a few words and peppered kisses. It was more than just saying I promise, it was doing and not giving up, it was honesty even when the truth was ugly and tasted like bile coming up.  This, seeing him like this and not running for the arms of another man was a love Roni hadn’t let consume her before now. “Hush up, you idiot.” She half teased kissing his bruised veins, “Curiosity killed the cat.. I know that, loser.”  Nodding she held his hand for a moment feeling the pulse of his heart in his fingertips reminding herself he would be ok.

"That’s just mean, implying that I look this terrible all of the time." he joked with her, a small laugh escaping his raw throat. Nodding as she confirmed that it was in fact his body temperature playing tricks on him, the shivering only worsened. Curling into himself, he brought his knees towards his chest, an effort to keep the heat both out and in. It was terribly confusing, and he was unsure of what to do most of the time. Nothing felt right, but of course, the only thing that would feel right at this moment was the prick of his skin and the liquid rushing through his veins. His skin itched like crazy, and he had already torn the length of his arms with his blunt nails. He was now moving onto his legs, where the track marks continued, the prickling irritation never ceasing. "No" he shook his head, a weak smile casting over his chattering lips. "Never again." he shook his head again, nodding to the cat who had entered the bathroom and curled up beside him. "She always has to be in on the action" he smiled as he gripped his legs tighter. 

. As he ticked through his phone Roni turned the tap on lukewarm letting the water fill to the brim. Her fingers danced over the glassy surface rippling the pure water  to occupy herself until she heard the clicking stop. Facing him she looped her arms under his, “Ok love, let’s get you in the bath..yeah? “ She struggled with his weight nearly falling over as she lifted him. “ Lay off the Cheetos will you?” She mused aloud playfully as she peeled his shirt away from his chest as delicately as possible. Taking in a sharp breath she kissed his exposed flesh gently rubbing her fingers along his face her face turned up towards his, “It’s going to be ok.”

"It’s not fair" he smiled up to her. "You look extra pretty today, and I look like complete and utter shit." he smirked, before he swallowed roughly, his teeth chattering once again. "Making me look bad." he said softly, before he swung his head over the toilet, dry heaving. He hadn’t eaten anything in over a day, but the vomiting continued, his body basically convulsing every few seconds. "It’s so hot, is the heating on? Fucking hell." he complained as he flopped back onto the floor, his shivering bones in disagreement with his previous statement. His head bobbed to the door, where his white cat sat, watching everything as she stuck her nose up in disregard. Connor chuckled lightly, pointing his shaky finger to Polar, trying to find any inch of humour in the situation. "She doesn’t approve" he smiled, closing his eyes as he felt the cool tiles on his hot skin. 

Looking away with a flush and a smile she rested her chin on her shoulder blowing blonde from her face, “You know this is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen you.” She smiled; it was hard seeing him like this. Like he was tearing apart at the seams ready to explode the life he had left all over the room, but there was something beautiful about coming clean no matter how gruesome it may be, how raw and inhibited it was in all those stitched together moments she found out just how strong he was. Frowning as he heaved into the porcelain bowl she knitted her fingers into knots shaking her head, “No.” Motioning out the door, “All the windows are open..the AC is on too.. It’s just the drug leaving your body.” Looking to where he was pointing Roni shook her head, “No, I don’t think she does, we won’t do this again, right?” She mused taking his hand loosely in his careful not to put too much pressure on him.

Rolling over in the bed, Connor jumped awake when he felt a body next to him, rubbing his eyes only to reveal Roni. He breathed a sigh of relief, sitting up, only for his body to collapse back onto the mattress again.He wiped the sweat from his forehead, only for it to be replaced a minute later, his body shivering as he wrapped himself in the sheets. This was it. This was the last time he was doing this. It was different this time, he wasn’t being forced, it was his decision.Turning his head, his eyes fell to the girl beside him. Her blonde hair covering her closed eyes as she tangled up next to him. That distinct smell of berries filled the room once again, and although his body was aching, everything seemed right.

Even though it seemed like he may be doing this for her, just to get her back, there was more to it. Connor had finally realised that this was killing him, and as miserable as he had been feeling the past few weeks, he never wanted to die. There was no exact trigger in which the realisation came about, maybe it was Reina’s constant caring, Mikey’s shouting, or the overdose two nights ago. Either way, he was ready. It was his decision, and he was nearly sure that he wouldn’t go back. It was almost as if something clicked with him, he had been brought back to reality, and that reality was something he wasn’t proud of. He was ready to strive for more than just a small apartment in New York and a lower class job. This was just the first step in the fresh new start he was finally ready for.

In between that time and now seemed like several life times ago, maybe even in a different world that no matter how many times she showered she couldn’t wash her sins away. She watched him shrivel away from the man she had fallen in love with, she had blatantly ignored her sister and finally when her face was glossed over the very magazine she had been vying for, for two years, it was then that something numb finally clicked. She didn’t want it any more, none of it. She didn’t want this life she had built from the rubble of her misplaced youth, or the lies she had shouted so willingly while sticking her tongue out in between berry kissed lips as if she was a nine year old child singing nananana, you can’t get me; and the night she left him, the night she stood on the tip of a ledge looking into the ocean of people she’d never met she realized who she was and who she was, was someone she didn’t know nor did she want to be. It was then she knew something had to give, starting with him and give to him she would give the only thing she had left, her heart.

Rolling over she took all the warmth and the sheets with her leaving the lingering scent of strawberries and a boy she should be over. Shawn’s breathing steady and promising she smoothed a few stray hairs from his face with a few peppered kisses before swinging long limbs over the edge of the bed. Her Annie’s cover laid face up, her photo staring back at her; two years. Two years of I can’t do this, two years of tears and two years of I’ll never be enough. It had been two years of hell for something she was never sure of until she held it in her hands. This was tangible reality, truth and proof that she had done something that her mother and father could be proud of, it was real and she could touch it and see it and time couldn’t take this away even when everything else faded to grey. Tracing her own flat features she imagined all the people who were missing out on this moment and in her selfishness she wished she could pull them all back from the place in her dreams where she always found them, nestled in her memories like cracked film that sometimes skipped out on reality.

Her throat began to feel like she was attempting to swallow sand paper the longer she allowed herself to remember, the more she fought it the harder it became. Heaving shoulders and a languid sigh she stepped out into the crisp November air, a lighter between shaky fingers and a cigarette pressed between words unsaid. Billowing smoke left the sky line clouded and melancholy for a moment before the smoke cleared. Everything was still a smudge foggy and dismal, maybe she thought, that’s how life was meant to be; always despondent and on this teetering of what ifs and some sort of vocation. Swallowing her tears she pressed hair over her face inhaling the scent of him and her youth and a stolen car left just where they had found it. Dragging to the edge she looked down into the sea of people and cars all going by at different speeds and in different directions like waves would have on a night just like this, cool and in the past, and she wondered if this is how Caine had felt when he stood up there looking down at an end to a means. Sighing she flicked her cigarette away lifting herself on the edge looking over almost nearly tipping to the bottom and she wasn’t afraid. Gripping the cool bars she imagined if this is what it felt like to be at the fine line stuck between life and death; if she had been brave enough to lean a little further she could felt the words to all the things left unsaid whispered on the end of sorrowful sighs disguised as chilled wind brush by her in barely whispers.

Her eyes closed so tight her features left almost unrecognizable as she fought away the tears, “Are you proud of me?” She breathed releasing the hold she had over herself. She felt her chest tighten and her heart collapse in its weary state, “I said are you proud of me?” She repeated her voice watery and cracked with each syllable. “Please..are you proud of me?” She asked again to all the almost lovers and good night kisses she never got from the missing fates and the parents too selfish to know when enough is enough.  They all played their games, tugging at life lines, giving too much slack to the heart strings that snapped back leaving her cracked.Crying out a crippling sob she leaned over further glancing back at the people and cars full of more people all living individual lives and she imagined them again as bleak nothingness and waves of chilling concrete, a means to an end. 

Life always had a way of giving the blonde girl exactly what she needed when she didn’t expect it in all the wrong times. It had been true for as long as she could remember, from the loss of her mother to the constant loss of her heart every time she watched Jack leave. Lucky for her there were those rare occasions and moments where it was just him and her, no one else, nothing else. It was the winter it all seemed to fall from under her feet, from Alex to the reality that she might not make it to the next Christmas. They were both still pink in the face with love and the flush of winter. Picking at the hem of her coat Roni zipped her coat with finality looking to Jack her features pulling into a dimpled smile as she wrapped her arms around Jack’s neck from behind pressing a kiss to his ear lobe, “It’s snowing.” She cooed happily her eyes heavy with sleep she was fighting off, because sleep meant waking up tomorrow and tomorrow was going to be her first round of chemo.

Running her fingers through the spaces in his she nodded towards the door once more before his features matched hers in a somber knowing smile. Pulling him away from the exit she pulled him to the stairwell exit towards the roof. Each step towards the top she heard her heart beating in her ears like she was coming closer and closer to everything she could ever want. Closing her eyes as she pushed open the roof door she pulled his hand closer to hers inhaling the virgin snow, “This is the best we’ll ever be.” She smiled kissing his cheek and running across the roof top leaving fast fading foot prints fit just for her behind her. Hearing Jack close behind she twirled around hurling a snow ball lightly at him her tongue stuck out at him.

Pressing her eyes shut she whimpered in her sleep rolling over and sculpting her body to the frame of the body sleeping next to her, she inhaled his familiar scent her nose instantly wrinkling up in unfamiliar familiarity that she wasn’t expecting. Blinking awake she wiped sleep from her clouded chartreuse hues a soft whimper parting her lips as she looked down to the body of the sleeping boy who loved her more than she possibly deserved. Desperation seeped in as she suddenly found it impossible to breathe.

Taking each breath more shallow than the next she tried to clear her mind of the haunting images that still swimmed in her reprieve; his body blue and ethereal just beneath a glassy surface so clear she could see own blonde distorted reflection from up on her apartment ledge. When she was looking down it was like looking up the water was now stars and the stars replaced with water and even though the rolls of the sky and rivers had switched on her the swimming image beneath her hadn’t changed.

His hair still fanned out from the crown of his head, dark twisted little coils and his mouth was pressed into all the shapes of a million different things left unsaid, but he was there reaching up just brushing by her fingers. Crying out she remembers the way the muscles in her arms contracted as she reached out over the ledge on the tips of her toes, the image before her flashing between a busy street alive with noisy cars and the placidity of him and defying fate. Then nothing, just like all the rest.

A beautiful image of the maybe’s and the unfinished sentences all in one breath and in a heart rush blinding moment it was gone and she was left tangled in sheets sticking to each dip of her body as she searched out for the intimacy she needed, only to find it wasn’t there and perhaps never would be again. From the man who danced with her until the sun came up, the boy who writes poetry with polaroids of her out of focus like every beat of her heart.