Perpetually Confused

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Probably he'll be more upset once he's home. When he starts packing up Anika's stuff into boxes so she can come collect them after New Year's. He'll have to do all that processing and he'll put away all the pictures that are up and probably he'll remember all the good times they had together and flashes of their relationship will play out in slow motion in his mind. Like a movie montage.

Levi catches his reflection in the passenger side window and starts, pulling his thumb out of his mouth. He hadn't even noticed he'd started biting the nail.

Corey drops him off at the train station and he books a ticket to Salt Lake City and Levi wants to tip him for the ride but when he turns back the car's gone, and it's started snowing again.

He re-wraps his scarf so it covers his ears and turns back. He has to jog—ow ow ow—to catch his train.

Once arrived at the airport, Levi's gotten over being baffled and has started being mildly pissed. 

You're obsessed with work, Anika told him. You barely make time for us anymore. Yeah, he'd had to pull some long hours for the last few months, but for good reason—he'd been working towards a huge promotion and a raise and he thought she'd be happy for him.

He'd gotten the promotion, by the way. Editor in chief. He'd tried calling her first, a whole bunch of times, and then she hadn't picked up, so he'd decided Well, fuck it, and flew out to Doodootown, Utah to break the news himself.

He thought it would be nice. Spend the few remaining days before Christmas with Anika and her family in their hometown, then flying back home for Christmas and New Year's and starting 2023 off with renewed vigour and excitement. 

Then, of course, Anika told him that she wouldn't be flying back with him for Christmas. Or at all. 

Which, well. Okay. 

She didn't even congratulate him.

He checks in, and the lady at the desk asks him whether he wants to drop off his carry-on luggage for free, since the plane is very full, and Levi shrugs and says okay and watches his suitcase disappear behind black rubber flaps.

His flight leaves in four hours. 

Levi decides to pay the extra fee so he can stay in the fancy lounge, because he thinks he probably deserves that at this point. It's quiet here, though, so he orders a tea and claims a table over by the window, stretching out his right leg with a contented sigh. 

There's an empty table in front of him, but at the next one sits a man who looks so miserable it's impressive.

The man is slouched in his chair, dark hair mussed and suit a little ruffled. The cuffs of his slacks are damp, and so are his knees. He's leaning his head against the window, eyes closed, holding a bloody tissue to his nose. A purple bruise is starting to form on his cheekbone.

Levi stares.

Damn. And he thought he was having a rough day. 

Should he say something? Probably not, right. Like, that would be weird, right? 

Then he notices the small, black velvet ring box the man is fiddling with and it's like all the air's punched right out of his lungs.

Damn. 

Levi looks down and takes a sip of his tea, then hisses and curses under his breath because it's still way too hot and he's an idiot. 

When he looks up again, the man is eyeing him with mild amusement.

And there are a hundred thousand ways that Levi could have handled the situation, but before he can think about ways to not embarrass himself further he hears himself say, "Ouch. Haha."

Somebody please shoot him. 

The man raises an eyebrow. Levi gives an awkward cough, then takes another sip of tea and somehow feels betrayed when it burns his tongue again.

"Maybe you should give it a second," the man says. 

"Maybe," Levi says, "I should." His ears are burning. 

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas plays over the speakers. 

Levi desperately wants to ask about the ring box. And the bloody nose. And whether there's a correlation. But then again it is so definitely not his business, so he just stares down at his tea and watches steam rise. 

There's a sharp sigh from across the table. "She said no." 

Levi's head snaps up, ready to defend himself, because it's not like he actually asked, but then the guy looks so tired and bitter that he immediately deflates and feels both like an asshole and an idiot.

"I'm sorry," he offers, which still feels lame but better than whatever he had going on before.

The guy gives a wry smile. "Gonna, you know. Return this. She, uh, said no to the whole relationship. So."

Ah. 

"I'm sorry," he says, running a hand over his face, "I don't mean to dump all this on you."

"Oh, no, it's okay," Levi says quickly, and then before he can think about it too much, he adds, "I get it."

The other guy looks immediately doubtful. 

Levi bites the inside of his cheek. "Four years," he says with a shrug. "Engaged and everything." He gives a thumbs down and blows a raspberry. 

"Aw, shit, dude," he says, sitting up straight. He removes the tissue from his face, and seeing as he's no longer bleeding, stuffs it in his pocket. "That sucks."

Levi shrugs again, suddenly weirdly self-conscious. He traces the rim of his teacup with a finger. "Yeah, well. I didn't get beat up about it." There's a moment of silence, then he sneaks another glance. "Levi, by the way."

A corner of the guy's mouth twitches. "Xavier Ortega." 

Levi gives a half-hearted salute. "Fuckin', enchanté. Or whatever."

Again, Xavier almost smiles. Levi thinks—Levi thinks he'd like to see Xavier smile. Properly. 

And then he thinks, What. 

No, he's just—Xavier just looks like he could do with a cheer-up. That's it. And, well, so could he, really. They're both in similar boats. Although it looks like Xavier got the shorter end of the straw here, Levi thinks, considering his ruined suit and, you know, face. Still a nice face, though. Symmetrical. Strong cheekbones. Dark eyebrows over dark eyes and a straight nose and—whatever. 

Whatever.

He just got broken up with. 

God, why's he trying to justify this to himself? Why is he feeling weird about this? He's not even gay. And even if he—even if he was, it's not gay to acknowledge that a guy is good-looking. 

But, like, it's fine. He's not—whatever.

Xavier has a split lip, he notices now that the tissue's not hiding half his face. "Got you good, huh?" 

Xavier rolls his eyes. He looks away for a moment, hesitating, then stands up and pulls the chair from the table between them, spinning it around and flopping back down at Levi's table. 

Levi thinks he must look quite surprised, because Xavier says, "I mean, this is easier for conversation purposes. Unless you're fine with the yelling across tables situation—"

"No, no," Levi protests. "No, you're right, this is—easier." He clears his throat and says, "So, what was her name?" before mentally kicking himself, but Xavier just looks at him weird.

"Well, her name is Chloe. We just broke up, she didn't die."

Levi nods, puckering his lips. Right, yeah. Yes. "Is she… nice?"

"Well, she cheated on me."

"Ha," Levi says with no humour. "Samesies."

Xavier lets out a dry chuckle at this, then rubs at his eyes. "Wow. Happy Christmas to us, right?" 

Levi raises his teacup and gives a ghost toast. "Merry Christmas to us." He downs his tea, which is at a palatable temperature now, then says, "Do you want a drink?" 

-

So Chloe and Xavier had been together for almost five years. The whole story is… disturbingly similar to Levi's whole deal, actually. Chloe decides, two weeks before Christmas, to take a trip back to her hometown, gets pissed when Xavier can't just take ten days off work to come with her, goes anyway on her sister's advice, meets up with her childhood nemesis who turns out not to be so bad after all and also cleaned up unfair nice, and then when Xavier went after her because hey, she hadn't been answering his texts and he was planning to pop the question over the holidays, she decided to dump him.

"She looked me in the face," Xavier says, head in hands, "and told me she was happier there than she'd ever been with me." He looks up and runs his fingers through his hair. "And I mean, sure, we'd had our rough patches, but, you know. We were gonna work it out."

Levi hums. "Yeah, no. I get it."

"So I said, Are you fucking serious right now, and I guess I raised my voice a bit, and then Mr Goddamn Farm Guy comes storming out and squares up to me and I don't even know who this dude is, and I tell him to get out of my face, and he fucking decks me. Like, completely unprompted."

"Rough," Levi says solemnly. 

"Yeah," Xavier says, exasperated. "And he didn't even apologise."

Levi whistles low. It's quiet for a moment while they both nurse their drinks, then Xavier vaguely gestures at him and says, "So what's your Christmas Tragedy?"

Levi gives a lopsided grin. "Well. Anika goes home to Middle Of Nowhere, Utah, 'cause she said she wasn't feeling great. Wants me to go with her, I can't 'cause I'm pulling long hours for an upcoming promotion, she's pissed. When she gets back there she rekindles things with her ex—"

"Augh," Xavier says. "Brutal."

"—and last I heard the plan was for them to start a combination bakery and tearoom together. So." Levi grits his teeth. "Hope that works out for them."

Xavier looks at him over his glass, then, after a moment of careful silence, says, "You're allowed to be mad at her, you know."

"Fuck her," Levi says immediately. "Like, seriously. Why even get engaged to me if she was so miserable? Just break up with me instead of, fuckin', cheating, and then acting like I'm insane for going to check on her after she just ignores all my calls and texts and goddamn emails. We were going to get married in February, for fuck's sake. Fuck her." He presses the palms of his hands against his eyes til he sees stars. 

There it is. The upset. Figures that it's the saying it out loud that really drives home how betrayed Levi feels. Especially when he's talking to someone whom he doesn't have to explain it to, because Xavier gets it. Xavier gets it better than anyone ever will, probably. 

It's not quite the movie montage Levi had been preparing for. Rather, what Levi remembers now are all the moments that Anika said things that cut, or did things that bruised. How she'd roll her eyes when Levi got so excited he got the wiggles. How she refused to entertain the idea of getting a dog, even after he begged. How she'd get annoyed with him when his knee acted up and told him to suck it up and stop being such a crybaby. How she'd give him the cold shoulder when she was upset with him and he couldn't read her mind about it and let it build until she exploded out of nowhere. 

Little things that didn't seem like such a big deal in the time, but that added up to something like a balm for the sharp sting of betrayal.

Because that's what it is, at its core. That's why Levi is angry.

More betrayal than heartbreak.

And even though it will hurt for a while still, there's something that tastes oddly like relief at the centre of his chest, cool and welcome like a breeze on a suffocating July afternoon.

Xavier stays silent. After a moment Levi blinks hard and opens his eyes and finds Xavier looking at him strangely. 

"Yeah," he says quietly. "Fuck 'em." 

Levi's stomach squeezes.

He glances wildly around, trying to find anything to look at that isn't Xavier's face, and settles for the screen hanging from the ceiling that displays flight information. 

"Oh, look at that," he says. "I should get to my gate." 

"Right," Xavier agrees quickly. "Yeah, of course, so should I." He picks up his leather briefcase. "Where are you going, by the way?"

Levi laughs. "How wild would it be if we were on the same flight, huh?" He stands up and winces, ignoring Xavier's questioning look. "New York City. The 9:15. You?"

Xavier's eyebrows shoot up. Levi's jaw drops. "You're fucking kidding."

They make their way over to gate B9 mostly in silence, a general air of What the fuck is happening hanging between them. Not quite uncomfortable, but definitely baffled. 

"So this is weird, right," Levi says, dropping into a boarding zone chair. "Like, really weird."

"Right," Xavier says softly. Then, eyes trained on the huge Christmas tree and determinedly not looking at Levi, he adds, "Cool, though."

Levi is—Levi is a little speechless. "Yeah." He feels kind of floaty. He can't stop looking at Xavier's ears, because the tips have gone red. "Yeah. Pretty cool."

God. Fuck.

-

Their seats aren't next to each other, because that would have been crossing the line from freaky coincidence into absolutely fucking insane, but Levi pulls some strings and switches seats with the nice lady who’s next to Xavier, because it’s an exit row seat with more leg room and he has a bad knee. He tries not to look too pleased with himself as he sits down. 

Xavier gives him a look. “So do you actually have a bad knee, or…”

Levi slaps a scandalised hand to his chest. “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of such a thing. You think I’d lie about being disabled?” 

“I don’t know you that well.” 

“And here I thought we had something.” Levi sighs. “I broke my kneecap when I was a teenager. Never healed right.” 

“Ah. Sports? Don’t tell me you were a football kid.” 

Levi doesn’t know why he feels suddenly bashful. He always feels kind of stupid telling people how he got his injury; the reactions usually range somewhere between mild disapproval and straight up judgment. “Uh, no. Parkour. Actually.” 

Xavier’s eyebrows vanish into his hairline. 

After a moment of questioning silence, Levi shrugs. “I misjudged the distance between ledges. Fractured my kneecap. But I was stupid and an idiot, also, so I didn’t wait for it to fully heal before going back out, and now I am a human weather antennae.” 

“Huh.” Levi would say Xavier looks almost impressed. Mostly sort of exasperated, though. “You know what, now that you say it, I feel like that checks out.” 

Levi narrows his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“I don’t know, maybe you look like the type who would break his kneecap doing parkour.”

“And what kind of type is that?” Levi is halfway to miffed and sort of offended, but then Xavier grins wide and he forgets to be annoyed. 

“You tell me.” 

It sounds too much like an invitation to be a coincidence. 

Levi can’t remember the last time he spent so many hours talking uninterrupted. Or, well, talking to someone who was actually listening to him and actively engaging in conversation. Someone who was interested in him. 

Levi can’t remember the last time he enjoyed talking to someone this much. 

He cracks a joke that makes Xavier laugh softly, and the noise goes straight through his spinal cord like an electric shock, and then it becomes a game, a challenge, trying to make Xavier laugh like that again. 

Xavier shows him pictures of his dog, a wonderfully fluffy brown-and-grey mutt named Captain, and Levi thinks he might actually pass away over how cute he is. 

“I always wanted a dog,” he says after cooing over a picture of Captain showing his belly for ten minutes. “Like, really bad. I want a dog so bad. But Anika doesn’t, so it never happened.” 

“Well,” Xavier says loftily, “Nothing’s stopping you now, is there?” 

That is an excellent point. Levi tells him so. 

Then he starts thinking about how nice it will be to have the apartment to himself for a while, and then he feels guilty for being relieved about it, about Anika not being there, and then he ponders how weird it’ll be to be alone for Christmas. 

Levi's never been alone for Christmas before. 

His family lives in Alberta, and he can't really afford another short notice round flight, and anyway the plan this year had been just him and Anika, and they'd had a reservation for brunch on Christmas day, and Levi thinks he should probably cancel that, and that's just a fucking bummer.

After a moment of thinky silence, Levi quietly asks, "What are you gonna do for Christmas?" 

Xavier blows out a long breath. "I don't know. I think I'll try to see my sisters. They live a state over, though, and it's all very last minute, I—we—were supposed to spend it at Chloe's, and I'm not big on Christmas celebrations myself, you know, my family's culturally Jewish, so… I'm not sure."

Most of the rest of the flight is quiet, and a little sad, but also nice, and when the seatbelt light flicks on and the crew announces the imminent descent Levi can't help but feel a pang of disappointment.

The plane lands. Impatience in the cabin spikes; everyone wants to get home, it's the holidays, it's cold. Levi gets up and winces, catches Xavier's eye as he reaches for his bag and hands it to him. 

Xavier is gonna call a cab. Levi is as well. 

They're standing outside.

Levi shoves his hands in his pockets. 

"Well," Xavier says.

"Right."

"It was nice meeting you, Levi. The circumstances were… less than ideal, maybe, but…" 

Levi looks at him. A purple bruise is blossoming on his cheekbone, crawling up around his eye. The tip of his nose is red from the cold. His eyes are dark but if he pays very close attention he can tell where the iris ends and the pupil begins. 

And okay. Okay.

He might be a little gay.

"But nice," he whispers.

Xavier smiles, looks down. Is it—would it be totally weird to ask for his number?

But then Xavier's cab is there, and he tips an imaginary hat at Levi before turning away. He hands the driver his luggage.

The sharp stab of panic between his ribs takes Levi totally by surprise. As does the fact that when he blinks he's closed the distance between him and the cab and is holding onto the door.

Xavier looks at him, eyebrows raised.

Levi didn't plan this far ahead, or at all. He blinks, feeling rather sheepish, then when Xavier's eyebrows start disappearing into his hairline he blusters, all at once, "So I have a brunch reservation. On Christmas Day. I was, you know, supposed to go with Anika, but, you know. And it would suck to have to cancel. And it doesn't have to be weird, or anything, we're just two guys being dudes, getting brunch." He snaps his mouth shut, absolutely horrified. What the fuck was that?

Xavier's mouth parts a little. 

God. Shitballs. Fuck. Abort. "But that would be weird, right? You know what, never mind, it's fine, forget I said anything, it's—"

"Levi," Xavier says, exasperated. He covers his face with his hands. Then he says, muffled, "Yeah, okay. That sounds nice. I'd like that." 

Oh. 

"Are you—are you sure?" 

He must sound really incredulous, because Xavier snorts. "Yeah, I'm sure." 

Slowly, Levi grins. "Okay."

"Okay." They stand there for a moment, and then Xavier's eyes go wide and he says, "Wait, I should—hold on." He digs in his pocket and pulls out his wallet, hesitates, then pulls out a small rectangular object and holds it out.

Levi's grin goes lopsided. "Xavier Ortega. Are you handing me your business card right now?"

To his credit, Xavier looks away sheepishly. "My phone number's on there."

Levi accepts the card, hoping passionately that Xavier doesn't notice his hand is shaking. "Okay. I'll text you, then."

"Okay," Xavier says. Then, tentatively, "See you soon, then?"

in the present and future, the other chrysos heirs, INCLUDING PHAINON, still have the chance to be reborn. they won't be confined to amphoreus's simulated skies. they're just "seeds" for now, but they are already so much more than experimental programs stuck inside a scepter. cyrene, however, must return to the past and become the next strand of the mobius strip that is amphoreus, so irontomb cannot complete its self-coronation in the past / an alternate timeline. because if it EVER does that, it won't just be that past / alternate timeline's problem.

irontomb dismantles all the known and unknown logic of the universe, which includes time itself. its coronation won't cause some other timeline to self-implode while the timeline all of our favorite characters (minus cyrene) currently reside in continues along its merry way. the (already rather nebulous...) boundaries of time would break, and irontomb would then be able to reach out and destroy even the iterations of the universe where it was defeated. every past, present, future, and possibility - irontomb can wipe out everything, and then no one would have a chance at a future, least of all the chrysos heirs. that's why it's the most terrifying concept this game has put out so far, in my opinion. it needs only one success, while the rest of the universe needs an unfathomable number of them.

but as long as cyrene / demiurge / cyrene keeps making the same choice, irontomb will stay dead. and she will keep making that choice, for as long as it needs to be made.

and now let me say those last 9 words again. for as long as it needs to be made.

honkai star rail's entire universe is obviously in one big kinda messy timeloop, but the intent isn't that shit is going to happen the same way over and over forever and ever so nothing really matters. the universal loops occurring aren't perfect retracings. they're more like... a spirograph!

many of the lines overlap and intersect, but something new is created with every pass of the pen. or in other words, every time the universe loops it finds a new ending and beginning. the permanent end to all things gets pushed a little further away. (or maybe sometimes it gets brought even closer, who knows?)

and maybe it's futile. maybe it'll always end in self-implosion. maybe the only way out of this spiraling cave is to welcome total destruction, like lygus hypothesized. but here's what he didn't fully understand: struggling against the inevitable is just kinda... what life does.

this struggle is life's ultimate folly, and it's also what makes life so beautiful. like, we'll all always die, but the solution isn't to jump headfirst into a coffin in some weird roundabout attempt to overcome it. the solution is to live anyway... and this should start to sound a little familiar, because acheron has already explained it.

but my point is: these loops the hsr universe is undergoing aren't stagnant. things shift every time. new paths are forged. maybe there will come a day when the spirograph finally breaks and life is free to scribble as aimlessly as it pleases. and maybe one day, cyrene's own personal loop will come to an end. maybe amphoreus won't need her to keep irontomb dead, and she'll be able to step towards the future instead of returning to the past.

or maybe she won't. and maybe the spirograph will never break. but!!!!! i'm inclined to think this isn't the conclusion hsr wants to build up to.

aaaaand this is where that my little pony episode comes in 😉 season 2, episode 20, it's about time.

twilight sparkle is visited by her future self. her future self is disheveled and has an urgent message to pass on, but she's sucked back to her own present before she can get it all out

twilight, having very little to go off of, assumes that her future self was attempting to warn her about some horrible disaster so she can prevent it. so she goes into meltdown mode for a week, frantically repairing and reinforcing every little thing she can think of and monitoring EVERYTHING. as the week progresses, she gets more and more panicked because everything she does leaves marks on her - marks identical to the disheveled state of her future self. and then the day of her assumed-disaster comes and literally nothing happens.

relieved, she decides to use a spell to travel back in time and tell herself not to worry so much. it's not until she returns to the present that she realizes that was the "urgent" message her future self was trying to give her all along. it had nothing to do with a disaster. she sent herself into a panic for no reason!

... or did she?

because there had to be an original twilight sparkle who started this loop. one that came from a future wherein she didn't spend ages obsessively fixing and monitoring everything that could possibly go wrong in equestria.

so we can reasonably assume that there was a genuine apocalyptic event (presumably worse than the ones actually shown in the show). once. but this loop has been part of twilight's life for god knows how long, and during the loop that this episode showcases, that disaster just... isn't a real possibility anymore. it was prevented a long time ago.

now, twilight's loop is simply a bit of self-induced panic and the only consequences are a bad haircut and maybe an itty bitty concussion for her. since the loop has evolved to be this harmless, we can also assume it will eventually fizzle out. eventually, pinkie pie will present twilight with the spell scroll she needs to travel back in time and she just won't feel the need to. now this could bring back the original disaster that very first time traveling twilight sparkle was trying to prevent, or an entirely new, unheard of path could be forged in the space-time continuum. who knows?

but this concept is the potentiality i imagine is in the cards for cyrene, so even she's not entirely doomed. her future may take another few eternities to reach, but there's still something waiting for her... a life of her own, completely free of the scepter. there's always hope, and there's always a new path to be drawn. and the effort of hope - of living and loving - is always worth it, even if we can only nudge the pen along by an inch or two every few centuries. i think that's ultimately what amphoreus was trying to say.