Rainbow Writer

I haven’t written here in a long time. but only because I keep my life up to date on a finsta.

I have a boyfriend now, and he’s probably The One. but he’s leaving to another city to a job that’s the third shift, so I’m going to end up seeing him maybe twice a month instead of nearly every day. I don’t know if I will be able to handle it.

he’s helped with my loneliness, but now I feel even more alone with him gone. I used to have at least a few friends I could turn to, but now it seems to be only him. and I’m about to lose that support system. 

I lost my home due to bat colonies, and I lost my roommate group because the bitch we invited in kicked me out, and the other two were too tired to say anything. like I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with the bats worse than me, but you could’ve said something instead of kicking me out. I guess now your stuck living with a girl neither of you likes, so have fun with that.

now I live alone, and I’ve had my boyfriend come over every night so I can at least sleep or feel safe. I don’t like living in the dorms again, especially since this new dorm is shared with professor offices. this time, I don’t even have a sink in my room and the bathroom/shower is all the way down the hall. I have no microwave or fridge, and can only use the open kitchen two floors down. it’s small things like that which make me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know if I can handle that for the rest of this semester, but I’m stuck here no matter what. 

I’m far away from all of my old friends. none of them will barely talk to me or even check in with me. I feel like they're ignoring and avoiding me. so why should I bother? I don’t know how to make new friends at this point. I’ve been here for nearly over 2 years, and all the friend groups are settled and at the point where they are unwelcoming. the minute my boyfriend leaves, I’m out of their friend group. they barely let me in now. I just want to fucking scream because I’m at a loss. I hate this school, I hate how people treat me. I hate being invisible all the fucking time. 

I left track this year, mainly because of my hip issues and not being cleared to participate until surgery, but also because those bitches are so cliquey that I’m never welcomed there. so any and all of those people are out of the picture.

--also...

I think I need help. But I can’t tell for sure if I’m just overreacting to something or actually feeling depressed again. I was free of it for a while there and it was amazing. It left me to deal with just anxiety, which is still very hard. But now I feel like I’m losing everything. I lost my friend group, And my other friends are kind of just there, so I feel ignored and left in the shadows. I've never felt so alone and lonely like this is a long time, and it feels very painful. maybe that's why I'm depressed. But I think this time I want to actually go for help. I know drugs can’t help me, not after what happened last time I tried. but I think if I talk to someone, maybe I wont feel so down all the time. It’s funny that one of my coworkers thinks i have so many friends because i know so many people that walk by the ACC but in reality, they're just people I know. I don’t hang out with them or anything because I’m always working, in rehab for track, or in my room. I guess that’s a level of loneliness I’ve achieved; knowing and caring about so many people but never feeling cared for. I feel like no one actually knows me, the real me, or even feels I’m worth their time to care.

i guess I’ve been thinking about this lately because i have 1 single friend left that i call on for anything. i don’t have anyone else to hang out with anymore. a guy i was interested in who felt vice versa told me today that he cant be in a relationship right now. and i agree that we probably shouldn’t be dating. from the very start i knew i wasn't able to handle a relationship right now, but i didn't say anything because i thought maybe an actual healthy relationship for once would be good for me. but starting out with two parties having many issues, is not really a healthy relationship. so i guess waiting right now would be best. doesn't stop me from still feeling sad and lonely. 

I feel bad that i haven’t been writing very often. i haven’t written in my journal for what feels like a year. with my father’s condition and hectic life, i feel like i have no time or as though i’m never in the mood. of course, my writing right now is procrastination for a 10 page paper i need to write, but never the less, here I am finally writing again. i would apologize, but I am not quite sure who i would be apologizing to other than myself. 

You will always have a place in my heart. And I will always continue to worry about you.

I know and understand how people drift apart over time, sometimes for no reason at all. But I worry that there was a reason this time. you became that person I was always worried you would become.

As soon as new friend came into your life, Alcohol , drugs, and party-goers, I believe that you became an entirely different person. You changed the way you looked, both physically and by wardrobe. The person many girls wanted to become was suddenly you, that popular sorority girl who loves to drink and party and have a good time, as well as show herself off to the world of how great she looked or how adventurous her Instagram made her seem. yet you managed to do it without being in a sorority or going to a big college.

I used to be that one person who was quiet and shy, but around the few close friends I had, specifically you, I was loud and open and threw all my love at the first people to show how much they cared. You, my friend, were the first to openly invite me into your arms and give me a home away from home. You were quiet and sweet like me, without a single enemy.

But for some reason, as soon as Alcohol came into picture, you found a different group of friends. Friends that I knew were a bad influence on you from the gecko. They drank underage and smoked pot and partied around the city. I was scared, being that I had never been exposed to such behavior being only 16 years old. eventually, I accepted the behavior and told myself that I would keep watch over you so you wouldn't become an alcoholic or start taking dangerous drugs. And you promised me nothing more than alcohol.

You started me on following that behavior. There I was, drinking so young and so clueless as to what I was really consuming. You welcomed me into your parties, despite the amount of distance I felt growing between us. But I didn’t want to lose you, so I kept as close as I could for as long as I could. I held onto you and tried to keep you interested in being my best friend, my #1 girl. I changed who I was, and I became a person I didn’t like. Sneaking around, drinking underage, hiding my life from my parents, slowly slipping mentally as my major depressive disorder crawled out from the rocks of my persistent depressive disorder I really thought I had control over. 

And as I slipped away, I began to lose not just myself, but you as well. I lost some communication and suddenly there I was catching up with you on a short walk only to find that you broke your promise. Drugs and smoking were suddenly in the picture, and new people that were even worse of an influence suddenly became your best friends. I was scared for you. I worried about you. I lost sleep when I knew you were out partying instead of doing homework and focusing on school. 

I have a deficit in which my intellect is higher than my maturity for my age(at least that’s what doctors tell me), so Ii could not yet wrap my mind around the fact that you were drifting away from me, and our friendship was slipping. After you graduated high school, I prayed we would be ok. You moved to another country for a while, only to find out later when you returned early that you had run away from an abusive household and alcohol was suddenly a way out. You were not alcoholic, that I am aware, but your dependency became concerning. People come up to me commenting on how awesome your Snapchat stories looked with the partying and they questioned if I was there. Yes, I agree, the story looked amazing. No, I never was there. I wasn’t invited as always. 

But I persevered in hopes that maybe our friendship would be saved. I then graduated and you said it would be the best summer of my life. You promised to take me out and experience the big city and the college partying. every night, you promised, you would take me out. 

You knew though. You knew that one of my biggest insecurities was being left to the dust and never invited out no matter how many times I invite my friends places. My fears of loneliness grew as my depression worsened. You broke your promise.

Then we made plans. I was to take you out shopping and you would help me with a summer wardrobe. In the morning, I saw other people snapchatting you getting drunk and doing crazy things the night before, and you didn't respond to me until late in the afternoon, well after the time we had made plans for, only to say you forgot about me and you had already gone out shopping with another friend early that morning. And I felt myself break just a little more. 

Suddenly you picked up a new best friend out of the blue. I remember that night like it was yesterday. You picked me up on a late July evening for the first time all summer and you had just met her. Instantly, I had bad vibes. When I get bad vibes, i am usually right that that person is poisonous in some shape or form. I wasn’t going to drink that night, but something inside me pushed me to begin chugging that large bottle of vodka. I was pushed into a pool when you and your new friends knew I had strict parents that expected me home within a few hours. Then, I helped one of your friends who was hosting the party from killing herself. After all that, I was late to getting home on time. My parents assumed I was drinking, and that was it for two weeks. This was the night I lost you completely and the night I temporarily quit drinking.

You had no care in the world for my situation. You continued on and that girl you had just met became your best friend. remember those bad vibes? she turned against you months later and treated you like dirt. 

And then I lost you completely. Lollapalooza, my first time with some of my favorite artists. And you became so inconsiderate, and left me behind in a big city, surrounded by mass numbers of people. I saw you were not my best friend I knew and loved for 4 years. You were a stranger.

After that music fest, you never once hung out with me again. No happy birthday for that day I sat in my room crying that I had no friends left. No goodbye for when I went off to college. You just went about as if we had never been best friends. Hell, You suddenly became best friends from people in my grade, including one being that I told you I dislike. You invited me out once, but only when it was with her. And I knew that was the end. You didn’t text me, you didn’t call me, you didn’t say anything.

So a 4 year friendship was gone.

It happens, it’s natural, but not like this. not to this extent for me.

I hope one day I can give you another letter I hand wrote about everything between us. You were so good to me for so long, and I’m sad to see you go. 

Thank you for shaping me into who I am. And know that my arms will still always be loving and open for you to come home to. I will always worry and always care, so don’t ever think I won’t be there.

With love, 

We all suffer in some way, some more than others.

Some cannot hold onto those struggles and stay afloat.

Some fake a smile so they can seem ok and put together as a show.

And when we hit that breaking point, some of us break harder than most. 

Some of us do succeed.

And that name in that email could have been me.

I too was at that point. It too could have been me.

I came close and almost did succeed.

But it wasn’t me, it was someone else. 

Someone I believe deserved a life filled with joy because he spread it to so many others, in ways i wish I could do.

And my heart breaks knowing that he did not receive that help and support at his greatest time of need.

if you have followed my stories thus far, i am sure you can assume that I should seek help with how unhealthy i am mentally.

the counselor finally contacted me in regards to my dad, and it became obvious that I desperately need help. I was sent to a doctor and prescribed an anti-depressant, but after that session and finally coming out to my mom on these issues, i decided to not take them and to seek more professional help before taking a medicine prescribed by a doctor that probably was not fully qualified. 

After hearing a lot of my story, my mom suggested on getting me home right away and take medical leave, even thought there were only a few weeks left in the semester. And I had really considered it.

But after our discussion, I decided I would pull through and try my best to at least finish. I got flooded with even more family support than before. I never truly felt love from family until the trauma with my dad and now it’s even stronger than before.

With my dad just beginning to start chemo, Support is the most important thing I need right now, and my existence and her love for my dad is what helps my mom stay strong as well.

I have always had a lot of pain built up inside from depression and social anxiety, but compared with what is happening in my life right now, I have never experienced so much emotional pain that the physical pain actually is relieving. I had always been strong enough to harness it so that I would never get to that point. Same as how I am a passive suicidal, at least as of right now.

I never understood self-harm. I thought it was odd how someone can feel so much emotionally that harming themselves and feeling the pain of cutting or scraping actually helped.

I never understood it until I felt it. And still do. And still constantly think about.

It’s similar to what happens when a dog bites someone. Once they’ve bit a person once, they are more likely to do it again. Once you’ve self-harmed once, you are more likely to do it again.

So where did my pain start? Well, as I have discussed in previous posts, I have suffered depression on and off for 8 some years, and it has slowly increased in severity these past couple of years. My anxiety began as normal new-college experience but it developed into sever social anxiety. The fact that these two mental health issues are high in severity, they constantly battle each other, somedays one being stronger than the other. And only recently did I realize that taking caffeine before track meets had actually been negatively affecting me and holding back my performance at meets.

On top of this, my father suddenly was diagnosed with a rare stage 4 cancerous brain tumor. I immediately rushed home in shock. Everything since has truly gone downhill. All of my thoughts surround him and how different life has become since. He is not the same person anymore, considering it was in the frontal lobe. He doesn’t show his emotion the same and he has lost his filter entirely. Its hard on my mother mainly because she has to stay home to care for him and handle with basically losing her husband and 85% of our income. It seems that we will lose everything material-wise just to keep my father alive, and possibly including our home and my dog. He can’t leave the house as much with the exception of doctor appointments and his daily walks to get some sort of exercise in. he has not motivation and feels as though he isn’t fully there. He still shows his interest in my activities with school and whatnot, but somehow it’s different. It feels like I’ve lost my dad, as if he did pass away. And I miss him more than I ever thought.

It seems that since the start of my teenage years, I’ve grown more distant with my family, especially my parents. I thought going away to college would help, and it honestly did. I needed that time away from home but also still keep that constant contact. It seems that now I’ve grown so much closer to my mom than ever. I go to her with more issues I am dealing with and I feel as though I can trust her more. It makes me upset knowing that it took a trauma to bring my family closer together. It also proves the strength of my mom’s love for my dad more than anything.

 After the surgery, I went back to school and struggled to keep up. Spring break followed the week after, and it felt as though my life had completely fallen apart. I did chores and ran errands several times a day all day, leaving myself to feel lonely and empty inside. I knew I was helping, but something felt missing.

What was missing was my boyfriend. Sure, he had been there for me he day I received news about my dad, but he almost disappeared afterwards. No communication when I needed him most, no effort put into our relationship, let alone our friendship. Being that he lives a half hour from my house, I offered to even pick him up to go somewhere since I basically had my dad’s car for the time being. And he never took my up on the offer, despite saying he would. I tried to talk to him, but it would take him the whole day to respond and he never asked me how I was doing or how my dad was doing. Never a good morning, goodnight, what’s up, how are you, what are you up to, wanna go somewhere...just nothing. He barely kept our snapchat streak of 60+days going.

I thought nothing of it, assuming he was busy with friends or the fact that he was feeling sick at one point. So I made up excuses for his lack of communication, which I typically tend to do for people I care about. His distance didn’t seem clear to me until I tried to hang out with him and he dryly said no. Hell, we hadn’t even kissed or hugged in over 3 weeks. My friends decided to get me to talk about every red flag, and it became apartment that something was wrong with the relationship. Lack of communication, not ever going one a real date, and not effort on his side of the relationship anymore, especially in getting to actually know me. So that Wednesday, I decided to talk to him about it. I walked into his room and asked that typical question “What are we?”

I had no idea what was to come. For all I knew, he was feeling depressed or felt overwhelmed with it being the end of the school year. Maybe he was feeling shy and couldn’t find his courage to put effort into our relationship. All of the excuses and possibilities ran through my mind, and what he told me was shocking. So hurtful that I went numb and distanced myself from the situation as a defense mechanism.

“I don’t want to date you anymore.” Yep. That was his exact wording. Can you believe a college freshman would say that? It sounded to me like a middle school break up. He explained how his difficulty with communication with his last relationship made it hard for him. He examined how “the more he got to know me the more he saw me as a friend.” Right, like he really had tried to get to know me in the first place. He didn’t want to “half-ass the relationship” and make it seem to be purely physical (no sex I promise). He had lost his drive to put effort into the relationship. Into getting to know me. He didn’t feel like he was emotionally able to keep it up. As I left and as said “ya it’s ok” over and over, he said he would be ok and would get over it soon. He even used the “it’s not you, it’s me” cliché as well. Towards the end of our 2 hour talk, I found myself actually comforting him because he had felt bad and hated “disappointing me” (which he already had anyway). Why would I do that when he was the one breaking up with me?

What did he have to get over? Had he ever cared about me in the first place? How long had he known about his feelings towards “us”? Is it really because I have so much going on and have so many issues right now? Is it because I am always so busy? Is it because you don’t find me attractive the same way as before? Is that why you never compliment me as a SO should, the way that I do for you? Or is it because it was all about the chase and you just lost interest after achieving your “prize”, aka my heart, for a short period of time? Honestly I have so many more questions, but being that this was the first time anyone had ever broken up with me before, it being what I count as my first relationship, I can’t find the right words or the strength to ask. I felt trapped within my own niceness and left with soft smile, walking back to my room in numbness with no real closure. I had completely distanced myself from what was happening, and felt like i wasn’t even there. just that numbness was my only coping method.

I walked into my room where my best friends were, told them the basic direct quotes and that he had broken up with me and decided to take a walk, still completely out of it. I ended up in another friend’s dorm room and cried there as he told me that it would be ok and that I would get over it soon. He helped distract me temporarily with a movie and just spending time with him. 

Walking out and heading back to my room, I thought that maybe I would be ok. Maybe it would get over it really fast and just be friends with this now-ex-boyfriend. But what hit me hardest were the thoughts that crawled back into my mind about my father and what my future and his future looked like. In climbing the stairs I felt weak. Every inch of doubt, hate, depression, all of my emotions just broke. Imagine being on a perfectly balance teeter-totter and having a small grain of sand be the final amount of weight to forces your side to drop hard. Or better, being so close to the edge of a cliff that that small gust of wind finally pushes you over and you fall into the sharp, ridge rocks below. It wasn’t that small amount that caused the pain, it was the that but of a push that sent me over.

It was as though someone had a been holding my internal organs, mainly my heart and lungs, and just squeezed as tightly as possible. It felt like someone had shot or stabbed me in my chest. That was the amount of emotional pain that I could no longer control and killed me to a broken point. I never had been one for self-harm, but the amount of pain I was in had me over the edge. Without a knife, I scraped and dug at my wrist, rubbing away my skin until raw. As I did so, the small amount of physical pain relieved that internal tension I couldn’t get rid of. I stopped myself eventually, leaving only one spot that would scar for sure because it was just deep enough. Staring at it, I somehow felt a little better, but disappointment that I gave into self-harm grew inside me.

Gathering up what was left of me, I headed to bed and tried to forget about it.

The next days after were just as hard. All I could think of were the questions in my mind and wondering if my dad will be ok in the end. My suicidal thoughts became as serious as ever, and they still are as I write this. I wrapped up my wrist in hopes it would heal. That Friday, I had a track meet, and my anxiety kept me from jumping almost entirely as my mind raced through everything. With my calves always knotted and cramping, I needed a source of pain that wouldn’t draw attention. I got my calves rubbed out, and the pain was relieving, and it was healthy in its own way.

Since then, my way of physical pain the counter the emotional pain has been getting muscles painfully rubbed out. Even my AT questioned why I wasn’t screaming in pain as usual. I guess once you have something like my emotions for that pain to fill, it doesn’t seem so bad. If anything, it takes it away for a short time.

About a year ago, something happened to me that I never thought would play effect on me later on in the future. It seemed so minimal that I brushed it off and tried to forget about it.

I don’t like to label it as assault, but it seems it seems to be the only way I can label it with no other word to describe it. I don’t think he realized what he was doing, and I felt that I couldn’t move in the situation and didn’t realize quite what was happening.

So I used to drink a lot when I was with one of my best friends back in high school (let’s just call her Belle). Just over a year ago, I got so drunk that I was on the floor, almost completely immobile. Her brother came onto me and began to kiss and touch me. In my head, I wanted him to get off of me, but my body refused to move and simply went along with it. He continued to try to get into my pants and I hated it.

As soon as Belle opened the door, I found the strength to finally push him off of me and I curled in a ball facing the futon next to me. Later on, days later, he apologized and I told him to forget about it as if it never happened. And I did forget about it up until a few weeks ago.

I began to come out to a few close friends about my mental health issues recently. And for some reason, it was on my mind. I got drunk for the first time in about a year and it seemed to bring back that one memory I had hoped had disappeared.

I had a great night of drinking this past Friday night, but as soon as I got back, something inside of me triggered, and all I remember was being on the floor screaming and crying. I felt like I was reliving that one moment repeatedly, but what I was saying aloud was what had been going through my head about a year ago. I screamed for him to get off of me, to stop touching me, to leave me alone. It felt like he was physically there. I screamed out to Belle that I was sorry and that it was wrong and that I couldn’t help it. Over and over I felt like I was reliving that moment, purely torture, and I couldn’t stop it. I thought I was in that room and he was there just trying to get to me. In reality, my roommate had been there on the floor trying to get me to come back to reality, but it took a few hours before I was able to do so.

I don’t think she understood what was happening or what I was saying. But I knew, and the one thing I had hoped no one would find out about finally came out in a way I could not fully prevent.

The next day was Belle’s birthday, so I realized that somehow the time period triggered something in my brain a reminder of what had happened.

I have never experienced something so traumatic, and that triggering moment of being on the floor screaming and crying felt more traumatic than the actual event.

 I’m not sure what exactly it was that happened to me. To me, it sounds like a “PTSD” moment, but I know it would be wrong to call it that without sufficient enough proof.

Today I thought it would just be another really busy day per usual. Instead, I ended up having 3 different workouts throughout the day and not a lot of food or sleep. On top of that, a complete breakdown I haven't experienced in over a year. 

A lot is going on right now in my life, and suddenly I snapped. My ongoing depression hit me hard today where I almost couldn’t get out of bed. every moment I felt like i could barely smile or even try to be happy. I felt exhausted from trying to fake my happiness when around others.

My anxiety kept me on edge, where all i could think about was the homework I have to do, how I was going to manage my time throughout the day, how I was going to avoid any pain in my knee or shins, etc etc. I felt scared. I was hiding my stress as best as I could, probably unsuccessfully. I felt like there was so much to do in such little time.

I’m finally seeing someone who I really do like, but when a friend told me certain things about our relationship and her jealousy, it somehow triggered me. That “fear of future” I have always struggled with had gone away when I met the guy, and then it rushed back and hit me hard at the trigger. My anxiety levels have gone up, and my constant thoughts through out the day are in regards to that fear.

I thought for a while that maybe this is what happiness is. He makes me smile, feel welcomed. I don’t have to fake anything when I’m around him because there’s nothing too fake. I haven’t felt this pure joy while sober since... i honestly don’t know. I don’t remember what pure happiness felt like. but now I feel so terrified that the happiness feels buried underneath my anxiety.

I was walking home from a practice I did not enjoy. I felt incredibly embarrassed because we were playing basketball, one of the few sports I have never played before in my life. I couldn’t do anything except run back and forth across the court once in a while. I tried joking about it as I usually do, but as i finally was allowed to go home, I began to walk away and everything mentally hurt.

It was 8 pm and I hadn’t eaten since 11 am. I felt weak, mentally and physically. As I walked home, tears began to spring from my eyes. Then that voice yelled at me for my weakness, that i should toughen up and not cry about silly things.

But I wasn’t crying from embarrassment. i was crying because I hadn’t cried in so long, and my whole world felt like it was crashing down from a high point i thought i had finally established. 

I cried in a stall, then took a shower to wash everything away. I let it out a little more, feeling myself slowly breaking down. When I was done after the longest time, I stood there in my towel, unable to even open the curtain. my anxiety kept me from moving, as I didn’t want to go back and smile for everyone to think that I’m ok. I didn’t want to handle the stress that was pouring on me. I didn’t want to feel anything from the world outside of that curtain. Tears continued to stream down my face, feeling disappointed in myself for not even being able to open a stupid curtain. i didn’t know who I was in that moment. 

I just couldn’t do it.

I told myself to rip it off like a bandaid, and I did after contemplating and wiping my tears dry for several minutes. I Got dressed quickly, but thoughts raced through my mind.

If i were to fall asleep, will i be able to get up in the morning? Will i be able to function? Why bother sleeping? maybe i can just stay up all night until I know I will be able to wake up and move the next day. 

I haven’t, eaten since 11, but alas, my stomach is flat and if i eat it will only grow bigger and I’ll only gain more weight. I don’t want more weight. And I can’t make myself throw up my food like other people do. It’s not in complete pain, so maybe I’ll just go to bed hungry, try and forget about it. 

And so I climbed into my bed, made sure the door was locked and my sign said do not disturb. I feel so fragile right now that the moment every person ignores the sign and knocks on the door to enter, i feel myself slowly wanting to die a little more. because all i ask for in just some time to myself to focus, to think things over, get my work done, and see where it will go from there. 

I guess I’ve only ever really had 2 relationships, and both didn’t end so well. This was the “first”...

Basically he was from Poland, and due to family issues, he had to move back there permanently literally 2 weeks into the relationship. He continuously promised he would come back to see me, yet he kept pushing the date of his return back further and further. I went to prom, I graduated high school, and I kept in constant contact with him. We considered it long distance. 

I have never been able to talk to someone so easily before. I could tell him anything and everything, and vice versa. I thought that even though we were apart, emotionally we were connected in a way I had never felt before. I began imagine how different it would have been if it wasn’t long distance, and we had the physical aspect there as well. As the summer progressed, he came to realize that he may never return. He decided that maybe it would be best to end the relationship, or at least take the label off. I had kept us very low key and barely even thought to think of myself as “taken” at the time; it hadn’t really set in as real. Despite this, I felt hurt, but was quick to accept that nothing further was to come of our relationship. So I decided to remain very close friends with him.

As college began, he barely talked to me due to a chaotic schedule, but my feelings for him remained. When he stopped talking for a few weeks, I assumed he was just overwhelmed with the work he was putting in for applying to university. I decided to shoot him a sweet message on “boyfriend day” stating that even though we weren’t together, I wanted him to know I was thinking of him, especially since we hadn’t even talked in a while.

He responded in a way that completely threw me off. I began by stating confusion and then suddenly it turned sexual. (Note, we had discussed many sexual things in the past, but mainly him because he always texted me when he was turned on and some crazy shit spewed out from him in those oddball moments). but this time he was saying things that he would have wanted to do to me if he had been there...I felt uncomfortable this time because we hadn’t talked in a while and this was very off topic...it had nothing to do with the simple, kind message I had sent initially. Before I could respond (as I had not seen any of these messages until hours later). His response was basically this: he had no emotional feelings for me whatsoever--only sexual feelings had remained. Basically. He had been treating our “friendship” as a long distance friends-with-benefits... and had been using me as his sexual object to jerk off. 

Now I had never purposefully done anything to turn him on, egg him on, or anything. I would just read what he sent and try not to react to “help him along”. He would apologize later and I would shrug it off.

After this, there were many long texts sent over an elongated period of time (I would not respond for at least a week because I needed to cool down from the bullshit he had sent me) he just apologized every time but then would say that he was right? I don’t even know how to state what he had said. Anyways, he said that at one point he had un-added me on all social media...I didn't believe him until I actually went one day many weeks later and found he actually had done so. I then blocked him as much as possible because I don’t need bullshit and negativity like him in my life.

There is something important for you to know and learn as you grow older. You should be aware of mental illness. I have suffered an ongoing on and off battle with depression for almost 8 years and counting. It is something I want you to learn how to handle from my experience with it.

My depression began with bullying in 6th grade. I had days that I dreaded going to school and facing taunts from classmates. I was always very down and became insecure of just being myself around others. I had constant thoughts of suicide, and I was unsure if it was normal. I almost wish I had told my mother about it sooner so that I could have transferred. I am somewhat glad I did not because she cannot have empathy, only sympathy. She never experienced bullying or depression because she was popular while growing up and had a really good childhood.

What I want you to know is that I never want you to think I will not understand or be able to empathize with you. I have been through thick and thin with bullying, and from my experience I learned that having an adult to go to for help is one of the best options to have available when you are experiencing any sort of trouble in school. If you ever do experience depression (or any mental illness) or bullying, tell me. I will be there with you every step of the way to get you out of an unhealthy learning environment and to help you heal. Know that if you do experience something similar, it will not sting as hard as you grow much older, so do not be afraid.

I also have experienced anxiety, another mental illness in which I feel myself on edge and in a constant state of worry over the smallest things. I want you to know that if you do ever experience it, or unsure about it, I am here to help you figure it out. I went to get a free mental health screening a week after my first severe anxiety attack, and I discovered I did had severe form of anxiety. I was given the option to go to a doctor for a prescription for medication, and I declined. I do not regret that decision because after returning home and taking a step back to relax, my anxiety has decreased in severity and I am in more control, with the exception of a few bad days. I am not saying that medication is bad when it comes to mental illness, but know that it isn’t the only option available.

Another important lesson I’ve learned is self-acceptance. For years, my insecurities of my physical appearance held me back from leaving the house many times. It took me years, even though I still struggle, to accept myself and know that I was a beautiful human being. You, my dear, are beautiful no matter what anyone thinks or says. But physical insecurities aren’t the only part of self-acceptance. Being confused on sexuality and gender may also become a fork in the road. I was confused about my sexuality in 7th grade, but, as crazy as it sounds, I procrastinated on dealing with those odd feelings until my junior year of high school. It took me a while to truly find myself and where I stood in the LGBTQ+ community. I struggled to accept my feelings until the end of my senior year when I began to come out on a few private social media accounts and to a few friends. It wasn’t until I wrote it down that I came to terms that it is who I am and I cannot change that about myself. This year, I openly came out to everyone as bisexual, with the exception of on Facebook and my family, as I fear their judgement. Hopefully by the time you read this, I will have come out to them as well. I want you to know that it is ok to be confused or scared, and that you can tell me. We can figure it out together, and I am here for you with open, accepting arms.  

I love you more than anything, and my biggest lesson for you is to talk to someone, like me, when you are in need of any form of help. Whether it be just a long hug after a bad school day or someone to be a therapist for the day for you, please know that I will always be here for you with open arms and comfort full of empathy. You are beautiful and I love you very much. I hope you will never have to endure anything similar to my struggles or worse. My goal for you is to be a loving, successful, accepting and self-accepting young woman.

With much love,