HOW TO DRINK WINE FOR CLASSY ASS YOUNG ADULTS
WINE IS A FUCKING ART. JUST LIKE THERE ARE WAYS TO WIN WARS THERE ARE WAYS TO SERVE WINE. IT’S NOT JUST PICK YOUR FAVORITE MERLOT AND GO. IT’S TECHNICAL AND SHIT. BY THE TIME I’M DONE YOU’LL BE READY TO FUCK SHIT UP SONOMA COUNTY STYLE MOTHERFUCKERS.
FIRST OF ALL, TEMPERATURE. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WINE TASTES BEST DEPENDING ON HOW COLD IT IS. EVERY MOTHERFUCKER KNOWS THAT WINE SHOULD BE STORED IN A COOL PLACE, OUT OF THE SUN, HORIZONTALLY IF IT’S CORKED. WINE RACKS ARE EASY TO MAKE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BUY THEM. JUST PUT THE WINE BETWEEN THE RIBS OF YOUR LATEST VICTIM. CONVENIENCE MOTHERFUCKER.
SPARKLING WINES SHOULD BE CHILLED FOR AN HOUR IN FREEZER BEFORE SERVING. ICE COLD. LIKE THE CORE OF YOUR HEART. IF YOU WANT IT TO GET COLD FASTER, YOU CAN STORE IN AN ICE BUCKET FOR 30 MINUTES.
AFTER SERVING PLACE THE OPEN BOTTLE IN A BUCKET OF ICE
WHITE WINE AND ROSE SHOULD BE CHILLED FOR A HALF HOUR IN THE FREEZER BEFORE SERVING. DON’T PUT IN BUCKET OF ICE AFTER OPENING. FUCKING LET IT SWEAT OUT ON THE TABLE. IT’LL BE EXPOSED AND NERVOUS. PUT GLASSES ON THE BOTTLE TO KEEP IT COOL. CLEVER MOTHERFUCKER.
INCLUDE IT IN YOUR PRAYERS
SCREAM IT TO THE VALKYRIES
RED WINE SHOULD NOT BE SERVED ROOM TEMPERATURE.
PUT RED WINE IN THE FRIDGE FOR AN HOUR BEFORE DECANTING. THEN KEEP THE BOTTLE ON THE TABLE. EASY MOTHERFUCKER.
THAT’S NOT ALL THOUGH. YOU CAN’T JUST POUR WINE ALL WILLY NILLY WITH WHATEVER DISH YOU WANT. YOU’RE NOT A PLEB. YOU’RE A FUCKING GENERAL. YOU KNOW YOUR SHIT.
THIS TIP COMES FROM THE HEART, YOU BEAUTIFUL ASSHOLE. I’M SHARING WITH YOU THE /EASIEST/ AND MOST /SIMPLE/ WAY TO PAIR WINES.
LIGHTER COLORED FOODS GET LIGHT WINES.
DARKER COLORED FOODS GET DARK WINES.
RED OR MEAT SAUCES GET RED WINES
FISH AND CITRUS FLAVORS GET WHITE WINES.
THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE SWISHES A GLASS AT YOU AND SMELLS THE WINE FIRST. CUT OF THEIR HANDS. THEY DON’T DESERVE WINE ANYMORE.
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