Despite the two glasses of vodka, Ilya is not nearly drunk enough to be having this conversation.
"...But do you ever get like, shit on your dick?" Marley asks as he downs a handful of Lays bbq chips, crumbs getting stuck in his stubble. "Because one of my homeboys stuck it in his girl's ass once, and she shit on him."
"No, no shit. You just need to have very thorough shower before," Ilya says, avoiding the topic of douching because he thinks Marley's brain might explode. "And not eat Taco Bell."
Marley's eyes widen. "No Taco Bell? Damn, I could never be gay."
Ilya gives him a weird look.
"But how do you decide who gets to stick it in who?" he asks. "Heads or tails?"
Ilya runs a frustrated hand over his face.
"Ah no, uh, we usually have pretty strict roles."
Shane is going to kill him.
"I thought you had to switch. Equality and all that."
"There is no have to, we like doing it like this."
"Okay, I have another question," Marley says.
"What is better, dick or pussy?"
"I think you don't know what bisexual means," Ilya says.
"No no, I know. But c'mon man, you gotta have a preference. I promise I won't tell Hollander," he says and crosses his heart.
"Is different, obviously, but I like both, I don't know what you want me to say."
"Marley, I have hot husband and we have sex all the time, I am not missing anything. If anything I have trouble keeping up sometimes."
"Wait, Hollander's a freak?"
"You can not tell him I told you this, but yes he is."
Marley blinks slowly five times. "Damn, maybe I should try being gay."
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