Trusting the growth process

I was so deep in my hole I guess u can call it of shame, guilt, and just plain being angry at myself for entrusting someone who really didn’t give two fucks about me in their actions but told me everything I ever wanted to hear from someone who told me that they loved me. 

But the universe is very tricky in giving you exactly what you asked for. I was convinced, absolutely convinced that no one was checking for me, and my future was totally uncertain (not that it was figured out before). This experience has made me look at my level of negative self talk and it was and still is something that I am constantly working on. 

When I look at myself in the mirror now, I don’t wish to be a lighter skin tone anymore. Yes I am working on my health but I don’t wish to look like anyone else. I’m slowly and surely starting to like small things about myself things that people take for granted. Like

my eyes 

the shape of my face 

my hands 

The things that you tell girls about their weight and their appearance matters because it truly affects us when we get older

the  cycle of acceptance is a sad one especially during a break up

the rounds of sadness and believing that you weren’t good enough 

fighting against the rounds of understanding that you could not have changed anything and did your best 

feeling like you are losing your mind because you still care this person who broke your heart 

even though this happened it seems like forever again I’ve still going in a emotional circle 

having hope when ppl tell you there shouldn’t be any 

fighting for something that’s not even there anymore 

I really have been going down memory lane lately with my past relationship. The Good, The Bad, and the Hella Ugly. 

I’m trying to be painfully truthful with myself because if I’m not then who will be on my behalf. 

The thing that I miss most about my past relationship in the good times was the freedom that I felt where I could just be myself without being harshly judged. The acceptance of my weirdness without being put on display because I liked other things. Just what it felt like to be loved at least a little bit by someone who didn’t have that obligation by blood. Those are really big things to feel in your late teens early 20s. 

Sometimes I miss waking up to him and going to sleep knowing that we shared the same type of love for each other (at least in the beginning). Yea I think that’s what’s keeping me up at night recently are the dreams of what were and what could have been in a perfect world. But alas this is not a perfect world and things get really fucked up sometimes and we can’t change the inevitable.