RadMads

ROGUES! S07E06 - PLAYING KETCHUP

INT. UNKNOWN PLACE. EARLY.

HARVEY (groans)

EDWARD Welcome back to the world of the dubious compos mentis.

HARVEY What -

HARVEY struggles against his rope bonds.

HARVEY What the-- hell?

EDWARD And I just went to Cosmo, too. What a senseless waste.

HARVEY What’s going on?

EDWARD Oh, you’re hardly new to this. You’ve been kidnapped, Atticus. Though I see you put up a fight first, which is why Thing One’s face looked like a plate of raw ground beef.

HEAVY Oy, fuck you.

EDWARD That’s a big flaccid pass on that one.

HARVEY Fantastic. Tied to a chair with Edward Nygma. (Woe is me)

EDWARD You’re telling me: this is all so clichéd. They could’ve at least tried chaining us to pipes, but then again, I would’ve simply picked the locks.

HARVEY So much for just wanting a word.

EDWARD In my experience, no one wants just one of anything.

HARVEY What did we do to deserve this?

EDWARD You or me? Or us?

HARVEY We.

EDWARD Oh, well, that clears that up. Got any outstanding warrants?

HARVEY No.

EDWARD Hurt anyone who didn’t want you to?

HARVEY Not lately.

EDWARD (snickering) My condolences.

HARVEY Shut up.

EDWARD Then I imagine it’s because you’re the Mayor’s terribly useful DA.

HARVEY Like we didn’t feel enough like a pawn already. What about you?

EDWARD I think I’m more of a knight.

HARVEY No, why are you here?

EDWARD I have enough outstanding parking tickets to wallpaper a senior citizen’s living room in a fascinating new colour.

HARVEY Really?

EDWARD No.

HARVEY (losing patience) Could you be straight with us for one goddamn second and cut the bullshit?

EDWARD (scoff) What’s in it for me?

HARVEY Well, we won’t - uh -

EDWARD Hit me?

HARVEY Damn it.

EDWARD Now say please, if you really want to know.

HARVEY ...

EDWARD Weeeeeeell?

HARVEY ...

EDWARD Aww, you’re no fun. (chuckles) Fine, Oswald refused to take Harper seriously so the latter is isolating the former from his valuable resources.

HARVEY Who’s Harper?

EDWARD The newest piece on the board.

HARVEY So this is all some kind of vendetta that has nothing to do with us?

EDWARD Indeed. There isn’t a month that goes by in this city without getting caught in the crossfire of yet another pissing contest.

HARVEY What do we do now?

EDWARD Look, that plural pronoun of yours makes it quite challenging to ascertain whether you’re including me in said collective pronoun. Do you realise that?

HARVEY Ohh, for fuck’s sake!

HARVEY struggles against the ropes some more.

EDWARD You’re only going in giving yourself a nasty rope burn - on top of your other nasty burns.

HARVEY (snarls) Says you.

EDWARD Trust me, I tried while you were taking eighty winks: they know their knots.

HARVEY Don’t you carry a knife?

EDWARD They took it, along with everything else I was carrying. Still not thrilled with that thanks. But, since we’re on the subject, why didn’t you just shoot them when they came for you?

HARVEY Why didn’t you?

EDWARD For once this isn’t about something I did, so I wanted to know what the backstory was. Your aggression defeats your curiosity, every time.

HARVEY

We don’t take our guns to work any more.

EDWARD

Self-control? (amused) But what if someone tried to kidnap you?

HARVEY

Look, if we had them last time we saw Oswald, he would’ve been shot.

EDWARD

Guess we missed out on living in that particular timeline. God, when did New Harvey start being good? What happened to Harvey Classic, busting kneecaps and shooting people in the face?

HARVEY

We wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand.

EDWARD

Oh yes, pity poor Edward: he’s a naughty man who’s going to be sorry, one day.

HARVEY (sigh) Any idea where we are?

EDWARD One of our fine city’s decrepit warehouses would be our over-educated guess.

HARVEY Our guess? Who?

EDWARD Oh no, I just got caught up in the bit. We can argue over which one of us is Jack Tripper later.

HARVEY (sighs)

EDWARD So. Who do you think is going to rescue us, then?

HARVEY (grumbles) Oswald won’t even know we’re gone until the car doesn’t pick him up by itself.

EDWARD Feeling underappreciated, are we?

HARVEY What do you care?

EDWARD I don’t: I’ve just recently inherited a great deal of free time, so I thought I’d try my luck.

HARVEY Doesn’t Crane usually turn up to spring you loose?

EDWARD One time is an occurrence, not a habit. You know I saved his worthless ass too, and I don’t plan on doing it again. We’re all square. Even Stevens. Finito.

HARVEY We take it you two aren’t so pally these days?

EDWARD Pally? What are you, Frank Sinatra?

HARVEY What happened?

EDWARD Haha, no.

HARVEY Not even to spend your inheritance?

EDWARD No.

HARVEY Fine. What about your henches?

EDWARD They are paid to come when I call, not to hang out: they won’t notice until the checks dry up and, not to brag, but that’s going to take a long goddamn time.

HARVEY You are such a pain in the ass.

EDWARD And you’re the one who asked.

HARVEY So we’re boned, then.

EDWARD Yes. At this very moment, we are thoroughly fileted and gutted. But not to worry, out of the Two of us, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

HARVEY Very reassuring.

Pause. Edward gets a thought.

EDWARD Hmm...

HARVEY Hmm?

EDWARD Alright, Mr. District Attorney. Tell me something.

HARVEY (wary) What?

EDWARD Why do you like Rent more than La Bohème, its progenitor and superior? And don’t start by saying the songs are better, because we both know that’s nonsense.

HARVEY You’re going down this road because we can’t strangle you, aren’t you?

EDWARD Only partly: I’m also interested.

HARVEY Alright then. (clears throat)

CUT TO:

INT. UNKNOWN PLACE. UNKNOWN TIME. ELSEWHERE.

GARRETT Where the fuck is Kieran?

TOMMY Out.

GARRETT Somehow, I figured that part out, Tommy. Where out?

TOMMY That was all he said, Garrett. Out.

KIERAN enters with some henches, laughing.

GARRETT What did you do?

KIERAN What are you on about? We were just takin’ in some of the night life.

GARRETT Scanner’s been going mental. Sayin’ there was an explosion at the Iceberg Lounge.

KIERAN So you blame the Irishman, don’tcha.

HENCHES laugh.

GARRETT Don’t you fuckin’ start with that. Was it you?

KIERAN Remember who you’re talking to, Garrett.

GARRETT I know exactly who I’m talking to.

KIERAN I didn’t blow it up. Alright? I mean, someone may have called in a bomb threat to clear the building, but I was helping the man. Even lent him some equipment to help him rebuild. Delivered it personally.

HENCH Airmail. First class.

GARRETT What?

KIERAN You remember that M-26 we found out by the wreckage of Warehouse 6?

GARRETT Fuck sake.

KIERAN Turns out she’s a gutsy bastard. Can pick an Off-Road Dumper right up. (whistles)

HENCH Yeh, drops it just as easy, eh Boss?

GARRETT We don’t even know who that helicopter belongs to, and you’re takin’ it out for fuckin’ joy rides? You’ve kicked the hornets’ nest, Kieran, the fucking hornets’ nest.

KIERAN Well, I don’t see you “sending a message”, Garrett. Unless your plan is to wait for Oswald to die of fuckin’ old age.

GARRETT Is that right. Follow me.

They’re walking; they open a door.

GARRETT This is what I wanted to show you: allow me to introduce Edward Nygma, and Harvey Dent. Mayor Cobblepot’s Deputy and District Attorney, respectively. A more subtle message than dropping a truck into the fucking Iceberg Lounge.

HARVEY Who did what now?

EDWARD I still had a good coat in the (coat check).

KIERAN Mister Dent... I’ll be buggered, two faces and they both look like a slapped arse.

HARVEY Come a little closer, we’ll see how many faces you walk away with.

KIERAN (laughs) I can see why Oswald keeps you nearby.

EDWARD Hey! If anyone is going to be talked to around here, it’s going to be me. So you can just Riverdance your ass around here, right quick. (pause) Good. Now then... who the hell are you and why should I care?

KIERAN Who am I? I’m the thorn in Cobblepot’s side, pretty boy. The constant reminder that no matter how far he runs, no matter where he hides, he can’t outrun his past. The penance that is always on his mind, and the last words in his dying breath.

EDWARD Oh my God...

KIERAN You know me now?

EDWARD I can’t believe it. Harvey - it’s the Condiment King! Oh man, is this a prank? Where are the cameras?

HARVEY

The fuck kinda name is that?

KIERAN makes an unhappy noise.

EDWARD

You know, I recognise that Cheshire grin from the label on a particular jar we received.

KIERAN

And what’d your boss think of that?

EDWARD

Nothing much. As for me, (obnoxious grin) I didn’t relish it. (laughing)

KIERAN You’ve gotta be fucking joking.

EDWARD No, that’s the other guy, so you’re in a real pickle: I have no idea who you think you are. Harvey?

HARVEY Way he described himself, we thought he was gout.

EDWARD Ha! Apparently there’s a few things Oswald can’t outrun.

HARVEY Disease of Kings.

EDWARD And Emperors.

KIERAN Enough! The name is Harper. Kieran Harper.

EDWARD And, by mayo definition, you mustard a whole lot of courage, coming here.

KIERAN

Shut up about fucking condiments or you’ll regret it!

Obnoxious pause…

EDWARD

… Chutney.

KIERAN punches EDWARD, whose head hits the back of HARVEY’s.

EDWARD Yep, there it is. (stretches his jaw) Fuck’s sake, why is it always my face? I mean, is it me?

HARVEY Yes.

EDWARD (louder) We may never know! It’s truly one of life’s great mysteries.

KIERAN You two really have no idea, do you?

EDWARD Oop, there’s exposition coming up, isn’t there? I hope your ass hasn’t gone to sleep yet, Harvey, we’re getting ourselves monologued.

HARVEY

Too late.

KIERAN Harpers never go starting fights, Mr. Nygma, but we know how to end them.

KIERAN There was a war on, and where there’s war, there’s bullets. The Harpers had the lead and the zinc, and the Cobblepots had the copper. Neither family supported the war, but there was no denying - war makes money.

KIERAN So Cobblepot’s father and my father agreed to help the allies, after the Kabelputs became Cobblepots, if you catch my meaning.

KIERAN But once enough money was made, the Cobblepots decided they didn’t want to work with the Harpers anymore - they wanted to buy them out. My father wasn’t having it. He tried to renegotiate a deal more favourable to Cobblepot, but there was no appeasing him.

KIERAN Some threats were made, accidents began happening in the mines. My father was a soft heart, he kept trying to bring a peaceful solution, but it was becoming clear that the Cobblepots would only understand strength, and force.

KIERAN We paid Oswald’s father a visit one night to make our position clear. Words were exchanged, and tempers raged. He was the first man I ever killed. Shot dead in the street. Regrettable, but hopefully that would be the end of it.

KIERAN What we learned that day was that Oswald’s father was just a figurehead. An empty suit. The real power was his... demon of a mother. By the end of the next night, my father, mother, and brothers were all dead or missing.

KIERAN I knew I was next, so I did the only things that made any sense. I copped to the murder. They locked me up, and I was finally safe. I thought there was no way I could be touched inside, but I woke one day to find your man Oswald sitting in the tree by my cell’s window. Hung around him, the heads of my family. I spent the rest of my term watching them swing until decay took them.

KIERAN I learned that the Cobblepots… they aren’t human. They’re devils, and I will exorcise each and every one of them.

KIERAN By your face, I’d wager you didn’t know you were working for such a monster.

EDWARD Hm? No, no we did.

HARVEY Obviously.

EDWARD You know - I’m more just… mildly impressed that someone who wasn’t an elementary schooler was able to climb a tree with a satchel full of heads. It’s so indicative of that all-American can-do spirit, y’know?

HARVEY

We’re feeling inspired.

EDWARD

(gasp) It could go on his next campaign poster. You know, to really get him ahead in the polls. 

KIERAN Well, we’ll see who’s laughing when the dust settles, won’t we?

EDWARD Gosh, I hope it’s me!

KIERAN grunts and leaves the room with the others. Door slamming.

EDWARD (chuckling) Ahh... so anyway. Rent.

HARVEY Seriously?

EDWARD Yup. Let’s hear the rest of it.

CUT TO:

EXT. GOTHAM MEMORIAL. MORNING.

DICK You’re sure you’re okay? You didn’t get hurt?

WAYLON Dick Grayson, you are always gonna be a mystery to me. You’re laid out in bed and checkin’ to see if I’M alright. You don’t need to worry about ol’ Waylon. You just get on your feet and get better, y’hear?

DICK I will, Waylon. And thank you for coming to see me.

WAYLON Hey, I’d a been here a lot sooner if the staff had let me in. But someone made a call I guess, ‘cause now I get everything except a red carpet.

DICK laughs. Winces slightly.

WAYLON You take care, son. I’m always around if you need.

DICK Thank you, Waylon. For everything.

WAYLON Always.

WAYLON closes the door, walks through the hall a bit.

WAYLON Oh, now is that? Jonny! Hey Jonny!

JONATHAN Hmm? Oh. Waylon. What’re you doin’ in the hospital?

WAYLON I got a friend upstairs: could ask you the same, though.

JONATHAN (scoffs) I got no friends upstairs, that’s for damn sure. Files. Bringin’ them over from Arkham.

WAYLON You know they got fax machines, right? For about... forty years now?

JONATHAN I don’t keep up with the new trends.

WAYLON (snickers) Alright, good to see ya anyhow.

JONATHAN Yeah, right.

Both start to walk off. JON turns.

JONATHAN Hey Waylon, I feel I should say... the last time we spoke, I was...

WAYLON A bit of a dickhead?

JONATHAN A bit uncouth... yeah. I wanted to say...

WAYLON You don’t gotta say nothin’. By all accounts, I shouldn’t’ve been a part of any of that, and clearly, I wasn’t the problem. But hey, what kind of a man would good ol’ Jonny Crane be if he wasn’t out to make everyone as miserable as he is?

JONATHAN Sweet of you to notice.

WAYLON Not like ya were goin’ to apologise ta me anyway, right?

JONATHAN Nothin’ to apologise for.

WAYLON There ya go. Can’t blame a snake for not likin’ his tail stepped on.

JONATHAN I guess not.

WAYLON So I’ll jus’ be sorry for keepin’ secrets from ya, forgive ya for being an asshole, and then we’ll be all square.

JONATHAN Heh, sounds good. (clears throat) So - who’s the friend?

WAYLON Grayson. Got into a scrap with a real strange fella. Rusky. Scars. Heh, hell of a lot more scars now after I got through with him.

JONATHAN I think his file came past my desk. Victor... something.

WAYLON I didn’t catch the name, but he left Dick in a bad way. Both them boys.

JONATHAN Both? Somethin’ happen to... what’s his name?

WAYLON Todd. Jason.

JONATHAN Right.

WAYLON He’s lookin’ a little...

JONATHAN Cracked?

WAYLON Somethin’ like that. Like a big bomb with a long fuse.

JONATHAN Well, I wouldn’t know.

WAYLON How’re you and Eddie doin’ now?

JONATHAN There is no ‘and’ there, Waylon. I got Ikky back, we’re done.

WAYLON Guess ya know best, Jonny.

JONATHAN Most of the time. Take her easy, Waylon.

WAYLON You got it.

JONATHAN Oh yeah, I been meanin’ to ask you.

WAYLON Hmm?

JONATHAN Why was there a dildo in the front seat of my truck?

WAYLON (chuckles) Heh. You wouldn’t believe me if I told ya.

JONATHAN Fair enough.

WAYLON leaves, and JONATHAN goes outside.

CUT TO:

EXT. GOTHAM MEMORIAL. SAME TIME.

BRUCE walks into JONATHAN.

JONATHAN Jesus, watch where you’re goi-- Ah, Mister Wayne. I trust you’re here to visit your boy?

BRUCE I am, but if you have a moment, I’d like to go over a few protocol changes regarding ARC - only if you have the time.

JONATHAN I really need to be on my way.

BRUCE Won’t take a moment.

JONATHAN [sighs] Seems I can’t say no.

BRUCE Let’s get out of the doorway. I know a place we can talk with less interruption.

EXT. ALLEY BESIDE GOTHAM MEMORIAL - SAME TIME.

JONATHAN Seems a little out of the way for talking shop.  

BRUCE I know you’ve been seeing Jason.

JONATHAN I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about.

BRUCE What has he told you? What ideas have you been putting into his head?

JONATHAN Oh now, you’re no stranger to privilege, Mr. Wayne - so you should know why I’m not gonna tell you a god damn thing.

BRUCE shoves JONATHAN against a wall.

BRUCE You’re trying to turn them against me, aren’t you?

JONATHAN What the fuck are you on about?

BRUCE Is this some new ploy, break it all down from within? Drag them over to your side? I won’t let you.

JONATHAN (starts to laugh) Jesus Christ... You really believe that, don’t you?

BRUCE Give me one good reason to think otherwise.

JONATHAN If it puts a little starch in your britches, then go ahead and hit me. (spits blood) But you’re dead wrong.

BRUCE Talk.

JONATHAN Your brave little soldier came to me. I could go my whole damn day not seein’ any patients, but no - he asked for me.

BRUCE Why would he want you?

JONATHAN Because I’m not you.

BRUCE snarls and hits JONATHAN again.

JONATHAN (laughing) This is all you know how to do, isn’t it?

BRUCE punches him again.

JONATHAN (laughing) You have... nothing, Bruce. You’re wailing on me because you think I’m slippin’ in at night and sprinkling seeds of dissent into your precious babies’ minds? [laughs] I’m not the one pullin’ him into the dark. You’re pushin’ him in there all by yourself. It’s all you.

BRUCE is momentarily lost for words.

BRUCE ... I have to go. See my son.

JONATHAN This one’s not goin’ anywhere. You should try trackin’ down the other one. While he’s still around to track.

BRUCE You don’t know who I’m talking about.

JONATHAN Yes, I do. And so does he.

BRUCE storms off in a rage.

JONATHAN (quoting) Faith, sir. - as to that matter, I don’t believe one-half of it myself. (stretches, winces) Fuck.

CUT TO:

INT. OSWALD COBBLEPOT’S PRIVATE ROOMS. EVENING.

OSWALD is on the phone; a fire is crackling in the grate.

OSWALD You must be jesting. A dump truck falls from the bloody sky and you have the hide to say you find no probable cause to investigate?

The CALLER on the other end is largely inaudible.

CALLER Claims adjuster’s writing it off as an act of God, and -

OSWALD (losing his temper) Act of God?! Where do you worship?

OSWALD slams down the telephone and snarls with rage.

OSWALD (muttering under his breath) My bloody property. My bloody staff. The bloody impertinence of it all - bloody cheek. (grumbles off into raging noises)

OPHELIA appears, standing in the doorway. She is elegant and restrained; never one to lose herself in a passionate manner.

OPHELIA (I’m sorry to disturb you - but I’m ready.)

OSWALD Yes, yes, of course. I appreciate your due haste.

OPHELIA (Of course.)

OSWALD You understand that things are rather too hot at present. And now, with my lounge destroyed and my men either kidnapped or living in a jar, it’s better to simply... take you off the board. As simply and elegantly as possible.

OPHELIA (I appreciate your efforts. Sincerely.)

OSWALD The driver awaits you outside and the jet is awaiting your pleasure. Tell no one where you are, especially if it’s me asking.

OPHELIA (I’ll miss you, my darling.)

OSWALD And I you. I’ll call you back when it’s time.

OPHELIA (‘Til we see each other again.)

OPHELIA leaves. OSWALD grumbles to himself.