This is about you

I'm trying to find solace in every sunrise and grasping for comfort in every sunset. That the moon illuminates a path that leads me back to you. That the starts forms a constellation that explains how much I miss you.

They continue living as ghosts, haunting in the deepest terrains of our existence. Yes, they've already left. But they still lurk like shadows.

They still linger here.

It’s been six months, eight days, twelve hours Since you went away I miss you so much and I don’t know what to say I should be over you I should know better but it’s just not the case 

100914. I remember you singing this. I was like, "What’s that song?" and all you said was "Just listen". I was stealing glances when you’re singing, only to find out you’ve been staring at me for a very long time already.

Then today, my workmate played this song. All I could think about was you. The intensity of your stare, and the warmth I felt that time.

100614

"I don’t read books." you said.

I remembered when I gave you the book I found in a book sale. How I told you not to give it back to me not unless you finished reading every page of it. You swore, by your heart that you’ll finish it.

When your eyes lay on that book again, or when you enter a book store, I hope you remember me. The person who made you read more. The person who made you feel every word, every sentence and every paragraph therein.

Yes, you might be hooked with the preface. But if you keep on reading, I swear you’ll realize that you are every chapter in between.

Standing there, looking at others as they meet their friends on a corner, making me realize things I was avoiding most of the time.

I know you're torn between your own decisions and options. I understand that. You've presented that argument even before we got all these things rolling. Maybe this is where I went wrong. I conceded.

I made a choice. You were my choice.

And by making this choice, I gave you an option.

When you stare at those fishes as they swim, I was staring at you. I remember that it hurt. Looking at you hurt.

When I met you, you're a fish with his own pond. You've already coexisted for a year, and it's hard to let things go easily. It's not easy to give up on something or someone you should fight for.

No matter how I wanted to be the pond you swim in, or the water that touches your every fin, you'll always go back home to your pond. And I'll always be that stagnant water with no living creature in it. Alone. Left behind. Always an option.

They said, "There are many fishes in the sea."

It was a question of choices. A lingering dilemma of prioritization and chances.

The pendulum of choice began its dance. And all I could think of is how it ends. I hope all of the swings were worth it.

100114. Do you know how I feel right now? I feel worthless. People are always leaving as much as I wanted them to stay. I feel like I'm not capable of being loved. That all the people I meet will always find a reason to leave.

This is why I shouldn't get too attached to someone. Because when someone leaves, I always stay. I need to detach. But the thing is, I can't.

I'm sorry for finding the right words to say but it comes out wrong. I'm sorry for being too clingy when all I wanted was to see you. And most of all, I'm sorry for pushing you away, when I only mean to bring you closer. 

I wish you won't give up on me now. Because when I told you I won't give up on you, I really wont.

100114. Curses. I don’t know why, but I have this thing. It’s like a binding curse that I don’t understand. Whenever I make a photo of the person I love my phone wallpaper, everything just comes crashing down.

One second we’re fine, the next minute bridges were burnt and walls were built. Everything goes wrong in every level. And in the end, I’m the one who ends up crying. 

For a moment there, I thought everything fell into their right places. That the sun rose to live and not to die every night. That if my teardrop fell into the ocean, it will find it's way to you. That we're really looking at the same sky.

For a moment there, I thought all the feelings I felt were of high value to you. That every fickle beat of my heart has strummed every invisible string of you. That every smile and every stare was a premonition of what lies ahead. That we're putting ourselves in a win-win situation.

For a moment there, I thought I was putting up a good fight. That I was also worth fighting for in the end.