A Queer, Black, Woman. Ultimately? Christian.

4 Things I Learned When Taking a Break

Dear Black Therapist,

I can only imagine how tired you are. Helping everyone, near and far, no wonder your self-care isn’t up to par. 

Oh, black therapist. You look so sad to work today. Wondering if you’re going to experience microaggressions, then asked “Are you okay?”

Whew, it’s wild huh, trying to practice what you preach, to client’s that look up to you, when their goals feel out of reach. 

You dig and you dig, to find the gratitude to grow; to help heal others and yourself, in ways no one knows.

Yass, black therapist, your skills are insane. To be resilient and protest when all black people are in pain. 

To keep advocating for mental health when you know the how the field feels, for Black and Brown people that need space to heal.

Black therapist, you’re not God, you’re human and real too. If everyone doesn’t get it, that’s NOT on you boo.

You show up for your clients and give them real hope. They come to and go from therapy feeling self-love and dope.

Keep shining and healing, while you do what you do. Keep fighting and moving, and advocating too.

Black therapist the world appreciates you. Appreciate yourself when all your work is done. For your clients, for the system, know that you’ve given all and some.

It has been an incredible year and I have had life hit me in the most beautiful and painful ways since my last blog. 

Honestly, I am grateful I have had the capacity to actually blog again and do something for myself. In addition to dealing with the effects that 2020 has had on my mental health, being a therapist during this time has been one of the greatest challenges I could imagine. There was a collective trauma being experienced across our country and the world, that no one, especially myself, was prepared for. Nor was I prepared to help people cope with this trauma amid me trying to cope at the same time. Some of these traumatic experiences include the year beginning with the death of Kobe and Gianna Bryant, COVID-19 hitting and continuing to rise as I type, helping my clients cope with their losses related to the Coronavirus (i.e. death, separation, other missed opportunities/changes), the murder and vicarious trauma after the murder of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, countless vigils for the death and murder of other black bodies through the country, microaggressions and racism everywhere being uncovered, loss or transformation of relationships I thought would never change, and of course the rising action toward the election and Trump’s inability to concede and take his L in peace. There are things I intentionally left out that were overwhelming because overall the point is made: this year was tough.

And as a black woman, the effects of 2020 brought dissonance in my identity experience. I saw the way the media and the world responded to the murder of Breonna Taylor and at the same time the way they also wanted black women to save America from this pain (hence Stacey Abrams, Kamala Harris, black women organizers, etc). I felt the same pull on my heart to transform the world because we (Black women) are told the weight of the world is on our shoulders because we are the strength of the nation. 

As beautiful as that sounds, carrying the weight while being whipped by systemic and explicit racism and sexism is a new form of slavery. 

But what happens if I or we stop? That’s the fear and heaviness that I have been carrying. Where can we be free from carrying everyone else’s mess? I don’t think these questions have been answered, but one thing I can be sure of is we have to maintain spaces for peace in a world that does not give us the opportunity to experience that. I am just now learning how to do this myself. I know, I am a therapist AND don’t judge me (insert Homer Simpson gif hiding in a bush).

In that same breath, I MUST acknowledge the ways God has blessed me despite how far I have moved from Him in the midst of my worries. I got MARRIED, which let me pause. This was the dopest experience, despite anything that came after it that I listed or did not list above. If you have read all of my blogs or some of them or simply me know me, then you know most of my difficult experiences have been from navigating being queer and Christian and never believing I would actually be able to experience being married to my love in front of people that love me with joy in my heart. That seems unheard of to my 13 year old self just beginning to explore their sexual identity. Shoot, I lowkey sounds unheard of to my 21 year old self, but here I am, about to 27 this week and married to a beautiful woman. Okay, I’ll go on. I also upgraded my Iphone, Queer Eyed my apartment (Got a SECTIONAL! Ahh-in my Meg The Stallion voice), got to share my experience on a blog (check out the Mental Unhealth Podcast by my friend Shatai on all streaming platforms), traded in my first car to join the Jeep gang, and went back to therapy.

The pieces of me that did not think I would make through this year in one piece are starting to take a step back to let me see what peace feels like. I am learning to feel and appreciate what love looks like and feels like, and it is tough to actually bask in that experience because, in this unpredictable world, it feels like the experience is unstable. The fact that I had enough love to write this shows I am growing and I love that for myself. We’ll see what happens next for me.

Lenting season is over and this has been the hardest season EVA!

 Firstly, I struggled to figure out what to give up for lent and my best friend challenged me to give up something that was a true sacrifice. I thought about French fries, fast food, etc., but any of those things would be easily replaceable. Therefore, I settled for giving up music completely which I thought was COMPLETELY INSANE at the time. For one, I have listened to music all of my life and I honestly cannot think of one day in my life where I did not listen to any music, either on the radio, my personal accounts, or in other methods. Safe to say I thought it was impossible, but I recognized this was the purpose. I often utilize music to escape my pain and fill myself with joy and I could use this lenting season to get reconnected with Jesus and rededicate myself to Him.

 The first month was crazy to say the least, mostly because not long after lent started COVID-19 went crazy in the world and the US. I thought I would be okay giving up music because at least I still had basketball and the gym, then all of a sudden all of that closed at the same time. I was stuck, lost, then a wave of depressive feelings hit me all at once. In the midst of this, I was dealing with personal issues, work issues, and trying to be a good fiancee and friend to others, sinking in sadness day by day. Music used to be my way of coping and now that was lost. There is no doubt I was struggling and my way of doing that is to deal with it myself and there was no way to combat that. Plus, I knew it was really bad when Kehlani dropped a new single and I did not even get excited, whew.

 Weeks went by and I realized that I truly hit rock bottom as I was either home trying to prepare for the next day at work then at work trying to survive for the next day. I was just trying to make sure everyone around me was okay and I got lost just waiting for Lent to be over so I could be “myself” again, or whoever I thought I needed to be.

 Then it hit me! This was exactly where I was supposed to be during lent: rock bottom. Every material and practical thing that I have used to get me through (music, basketball, the gym, etc) no longer had the same impact, so I closed my eyes and just prayed to Jesus for help. I thought the focus of lent was on abstinence from something I loved, when in reality, for me, it was all about reconnection and coming to the Lord when I needed Him (Matthew 11:28).

 The craziest part is when I started to come to God and pray about my struggles, my heart became more open for healing and things like journaling, listening to podcasts (I.e Unlocking Us by Brene Brown is HIGHLY recommended), and talking to others was more refreshing than it had been. In fact, I started to enjoy going to work without any noise and started to appreciate peace and calmness, realizing that I had filled my life with noise just to get by. By the time lent was over yesterday, I did not even have an urge to listen to music, but I also longed and had chills even thinking about it.

 So, I waited until today to listen to music and almost have tears in my eyes as I listen to it. I have such a greater appreciation for music and so does my body because I can listen right now to simply enjoy instead of to escape. That is such a beautiful feeling and I look forward to listening more consciously.

 For those that have been with me through this lenting season and experienced my lows with me, I love you for that and am grateful for you. It was rough and I needed to feel my lows to go to the One that can truly help, so that any help after that was felt. This is not to say I will not feel low again, but I feel more capable of knowing what to do to help myself and the purpose in that feeling.

Church today was everything I needed to hear and feel spiritually and it is what has brought me back to my beloved blog this afternoon. After my last blog in 2019, some time in November, I made a commitment to go back to church more often. The first sermon I heard after returning happened to be the sermon that answered most of my questions in my last blog. 

Yea, God is funny like that.

 I have been going to church each Sunday since then, give or take a couple where your girl just needed some sleep because the 8am can be a little early, and every Christian (especially my black ones) knows that when you go to the 11am that you ought to be prepared to stay until 2. Therefore, I am not ashamed to say, I was not ready to be in church until 2pm. But, this Sunday’s service touched me in a special way and I want to share my thoughts and hope it touches you too.

 The pastor talked about Paul’s message in Galatians about scars and wounds, which he broke down into three specific scars: Sinner inflicted, Saint inflicted, and Self-inflicted. The focus before even exploring these scars were that we have to acknowledge that we have them in the first place. I loved that he started with this because we (individually and as a society) tend to hide our scars for fear of inferiority. Scars give off the perception that we are weak and have been hurt, and that we are “wounded” people, all with negative feelings attached to each word. I have believed this for myself most of my life, and honestly still do. I have often endorsed the “I have to be strong and not cry” mentality for most of my life and I still find being vulnerable a forced effort. Literally, I reflect on every possible outcome of me crying, whether at home or in public, which is unfortunate but how I was conditioned. However, the sermon focused on scars being a sign of God’s glory and healing, which I’ll focus on later.

 The pastor broke down the types of scars so sweetly that it is hard to ignore on a personal level. He described “Sinner inflicted” scars as the scars from sinners, referring to people that intentionally want to harm you. Now technically we are all sinners as stated in the Bible, but I disagree that it means we’re all hurtful people, but that’s a blog for another day. Anyway, sinner inflicted refers to those hurtful relationships, the people at your job that continuously put you down, the microaggressions of the world, and the pain you have gained on a day to day from those close to you or those with few encounters. These scars he described as more closely connected to the surface, in relation to his three tier scar hierarchy. Unfortunately, my surface is pretty deep because the sinner inflicted scars represent homophobia, sexism, racism, colorism, and many other isms that come from random and closely related folk that want to put me down.

 The second of scars were the “Saint inflicted” scars, which I recognized as the scars that have resulted in me beginning this blog. They represent scars from good ol’ Christ loving folk. These are often the scars that you receive when you are coming to your place of worship, in your lowest moments, or needing love from Christ lovers only to receive rejection, pain, negligence, and down-right hate. Even as I type about this form of scar, I feel my gut twist because these scars hurt from the soul. They are masked in Jesus’s love and the Holy Spirit, but poured on you like acid that goes straight to your heart and spirit. The sad part about these scars are that they have continuously led to more people leaving from Christ than coming to Him. I can attest that I was one of them and honestly if those same painful experiences are recreated I’m not sure I would not regress. I did not go to church for months and am still coaching myself on how to be emotionally safe while at church, knowing at any moment a new wound can be formed. Unfortunately for me, I always felt like my wounds were hit harder because the people closest to me in life that have hurt me were also Saints. I won’t get into that here, but in my other blogs I explore that more.

 Lastly, the pastor described the deepest scar as the “Self-inflicted scar.” Ouch. This was uncomfortable for me to grasp because I’m a therapist that coaches people on safety and strategies to reduce self-harm all day long, just to recognize that I maintain many scars from the many times I engaged in self-hatred, self-deprecating statements, and chose other people over myself, even though I knew it would bring pain. It’s hard to swallow that I allowed myself to hurt myself like that and the many times that I still do. However, the reality is that I have created so many wounds, yet never recognized them as scars.

 The most beautiful message from the pastor was that scars represent the healing process that Jesus completed. In order for a wound to become a scar, there had to have been some form of healing and strengthening of the layers within and around the wound to develop. A scar represents that the event happened and that we made it through with the help of God. 

That message took me over because I keep focusing on my past as a reminder of pain instead of a reminder of growth and healing. In fact, if the wounds had not been scarred over, I would not be able to make this blog or be a therapist. With this new realization, I find myself questioning how I will allow my scars to inspire me rather than hinder me. I also wonder why I continue to have so many similar scars and what’s the message behind the repetition? However, no matter what I question, I think it is such a beautiful feeling to remember that our scars are representations of healing and love, that unfortunately began with hurt and pain.

I have never been too into New Year’s resolutions (Or however we spell it) and seeing the first of the year as a significant change. I always saw change as happening anytime throughout the year, however with it being a new decade, the first has a little more meaning to me. A breath of anew.

When I made this blog in 2018, I was in a pretty dark place of confusion, rejection, shame, and insecurities, which was pretty much my theme of 2019. With the new decade approaching, I started to reflect on my decade in general and noticed that theme appearing so much more throughout the past ten years. My high school years were filled with overcompensations for my depression by being a star athlete, maintaining straight A’s, and diving within to find my beam of light to share with the world, which I later realized continued until now. When I got engaged in 2018, all those years of compensating rushed into my heart with a different kind of ache because I was finally choosing a happiness for me rather than others. Unfortunately, there are not a lot of people that feel the joy I feel about marrying a woman, which has made it more difficult for me to be overjoyed in this experience.

The love I had for myself and my identity was met with pain and resistance from the beginning of 2018 (and likely at the beginning of my coming out phase) until the end due to feelings of rejection, racism, homophobia, and not feeling appreciated in many areas from my occupation to personal relationships. It became such a mess because I also allowed it to be. I didn’t stand up for myself or refute things that filled me with inappropriate shame. It was not until I spoke with my therapist recently that he helped me see that for most of my life (probably all of it if I’m being honest) I have been letting others control my narrative. My happiness, my joy, my sense of accomplishment was contingent on how someone else saw value in me. That was a heavy concept for me to recognize because I always thought I had control, when I gave that control away a long time ago because I did not think I deserved it. Sometimes I still feel this way.

Being a Christian, Queer, Black, Woman had always brought a sense of weight on me because it came with so much negativity from the world (internally and externally), and part of that is because I have allowed that negativity to enter my heart. As a result, I reached the lowest moments of my life and did not realize until recently that that was all because God wanted me to feel that to become strong (2 Corinthians 12: 9-10).

So, when I made this blog, I needed a space to simply express myself without caring about judgment or backlash from anyone that agreed or disagreed. I feel this blogging experience has opened my heart to beginning to work through a necessary healing process. It has been my truth and my thoughts just to flush out and share with the world. Most people assume that I am usually the brightest person emotionally and spiritually, which may be true often because I feel a lot of joy, however I have many lows and needed to be realistic with myself as well, so I shared my story. I am still sharing my story and have no idea what will be next for me in this new decade, but (I don’t care how cheesy it sounds) I do have a “2020 vision” of who I want to be. So, my decade resolution is honestly to focus more on healing through love. My mantra is to follow 1 Corinthians 13 because I want to love MYSELF, OTHERS, and JESUS just like THAT, which has been hard to do, especially this past decade, and probably my entire life. I will need this kind of love as I embark on the journey to marry a beautiful woman as I know that will come not only with love, but difficulties because I have cared so much about others’ feelings over my own. However, I get to control what I let enter my heart this time.

It may have taken at least 10 years to get here, but I’m grateful for the brokenness that has grown over the past decade because it allowed me to get to this place where I recognize I need and deserve healing. I appreciate if you have taken any time to read my words and I hope you have your own mantra to help you get your much deserved healing. I don’t know where this blog will take me this next decade, but one thing I know for sure is that I’ll keep having questions.

The topic of mental health an Christianity has been on my mind and soul for the past few weeks, but when I truly reflect on it, I believe most of my internal and external conflicts have stemmed from my difficulty connecting the two in positive ways.

 Ultimately, I believe religion has been taught in ways that depletes one’s mental health (yep, controversial I know). I believe that it is has been taught to make people feel like “trash” as a way to convey that this is the way to display selflessness in the eyes of the Lord. As a therapist, I have had clients come to me that remind me of the unfortunate effects of religion on a larger scale, often stating “God doesn’t love me,” “I am an embarrassment to God,” and other negative ways of self-talk. 

As a result, I started to look further into the messages being given at church from pastors, elders, and other good church folk and unfortunately I have heard a similar message: Your sin makes you filthy, but God loves you anyway. Now, I hope to explore my beliefs and how they connect to the Bible, but my issue is that the underlining message people hear is “No matter what, you are not worthy of God’s love,” with an emphasis on unworthy. The message from this blog is not to convey that we are DESERVING of God’s love because that would come off as prideful, which some of you may already think it sounds that way *shrug,* but the purpose is to explore my thoughts and ask questions as to why the message is often focused on making people feel worse about themselves rather than the reasons why God loves us.

 So, to my thoughts….

 I have spent much of 2019 rewriting and rescripting many of the negative messages I have told myself, many done by myself and many others learned through the church. I went to therapy and began to learn more about the triggers of these negative beliefs and recognized that I had a poor self-image. I reflected on the ways I sought God and was reminded that even through His eyes I was less than, at least that was before I started reflecting for myself, but I’ll address that later. When I engaged in further self-exploration, I became so infuriated at the church, religion, and everyone, especially myself, for never looking inward and talking to God directly, but rather taking what was given to me in church and by Christians to justify my humanity.

 Christianity and religion have a large focus on sin because Jesus died for our sins so that we are no longer bound by them. This is, in my perspective, a lot of what the new testament speaks about, especially when discussing the Crucifixion and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. I have always questioned why God loved us so much that he sent His ONLY son for us (John 3:16). I mean, I could not imagine giving my last piece of pie to someone that disrespected me everyday. Again, I am not God, but isn’t the purpose for us to be more like Him? Duh, therefore I am curious why He loves us so much. Often times, the message I have received is “Because that’s God’s grace. We can never understand,” but I desperately want to know. We spend so many Sunday’s at church specifically naming the reasons why God is disappointed in us, but do not spend just as much time, if not more, discussing the reasons God loves us so dearly. Again, what does this do to one’s mental health?

 With my clients, I like to use a statement to reflect on negative thoughts and how difficult it is to ignore them. “Now,do not think about elephants. Not one bit.”---So, what came to your mind.

 I feel the church has this unintended, or intended, who knows, effect in which we state “Your sin this, your sin that…But God loves you anyway.” If the main word being used is a word that brings one to shame and feelings of disgust to God and we slap a “But God loves you” then how are people leaving the church. They are continuously focusing on how sinful they are as a whole. How does that connect to their mental health?

 Throughout the Bible sin is referenced A LOT, so I completely understand that this is why it is taught that way. From the beginning of time, sin has been evident and caused all kinds of problems related to this world, but my issue isn’t that this exists, it’s that there is minimal balance. I don’t think my DNA test came back saying I’m 100% sinful and a disgrace, or whatever Lizzo said…

 I believe that God created heaven and Earth and all that inhabit it, which includes you and me (Genesis 1:1-3, 27-31). The Bible has stated on MULTIPLE occasions that God is within us and always with us, and God is good, therefore the Good is within us. At the base of humanity, I believe that we all have God’s light within us, despite how much sin may move through us and our world. God created us and therefore that good resides in all, right?

 So why do we give less attention to this during Sunday services? I find so much power in knowing we serve a forgiving, loving, compassionate, and patient God, that has equipped us with these same tools to conquer adversity and sin! Look into 1 John 4:16, Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32, and Romans 8:10 to name a few.

 Overall, I guess I am reflecting on religion being taught through a consequence-based lens rather than a strength based approach. I often wonder how people would feel about coming to and leaving from church if we spent an equal amount of time identifying the tools God have specifically placed within in because He loves us, as we did identifying our sins. Would so many people want to leave the church? Would our church environment be less envious and more readily desiring to share our unique God given talents? Would we be more connected to the purpose God has given us and how it empowers us? Maybe not often because of sin, but again we have the tools within us to rebuke and challenge sin right? That’s what we’re learning in church, but also discussed a lot in the Bible…

 Any way. I have lots of questions, and may have all this completely wrong and I am okay with that. But I am learning and challenging as I go. But ultimately, I’m curious what would happen to our mental health if church was more strength based….until then, I’ll keep asking questions.

 “You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.” Job 11:18 NIV

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16 NIV

 “He makes, we are made: He is original, we derivative. But at the same time, and for the same reason, the intimacy between God and even the meanest creature is closer than any that creatures can attain with one another. Our life is at every moment, supplied by Him: our tiny, miraculous power of free will only operates on bodies which His continual energy keeps in existence--our very power to think is His power communicated to us.” C.S. Lewis, Power of Pain, pg 33.

Well! Pride Weekend is officially over (at least for Des Moines). I can definitely say that this was the most refreshing, soothing, and therapeutic Pride experience I have ever had in my life. It could be because I have finally reached a point in my life where I can, finally, fully accept myself without worrying about actual or perceived rejection, OR pride was just lit asf this year? I’m going to go with both.

 So, Pride started this past Friday (which technically started the day I started to live my life unapologetically, but you know what I mean), and Des Moines kicked it off with bringing Big Freedia to perform. Before I get into the TWERKING Big Freedia brought to the 515, I really want to acknowledge the text message I received while getting ready for Pride from my younger cousin. She randomly texted me, and we had not texted for some months, maybe since Thanksgiving, to tell me Happy Pride and to “Embrace who you are and love who you want,” then proceeded to tell me that she was proud of me and loved me. Now, I feel tearful even typing it because this had been the first time anybody in my family had actually messaged me regarding Pride as something to be celebrated with me. There was not an “I love you, but…” with this message, but rather a simple “I love you because…” which I am forever grateful for. I recognize that I have gotten into this pattern of believing that I am unaccepted by my family and that the my sexuality and identity as Kayla cannot coexist in their world, therefore this message allowed me, for the first time and in a long time, to connect both identities together in the eyes of my family, in a way that is received and loved.

 Now, back to Big Freedia! Big Freedia turned DES MOINES OUT!! I had no idea that Pride would EVER be that lit in Des Moines, however the most refreshing thing was not seeing the Louisiana Baddie herself, although that Lit, it was seeing so many black and brown (and YOUNG) people in the audience repping pride: being either out or an ally! Growing up, Pride was never mentioned, therefore to see not only all of these young people, but BLACK AND BROWN PEOPLE out there being their full selves and/or supporting those around them brought me hope for my community and my world. I admire their courage and sense of love and effing PRIDE! I can always learn a lot from the young ones on how to be my most proud self.

 Lastly, the Pride Parade. *Cue the tear drops.* This was my first Pride parade ever (the last few years I missed it by showing up late and the others were canceled due to rain), therefore I had no idea what to expect! I forsure did not expect to see so many churches and believers walking through the parade. Through my previous blogs, you have probably noticed that Christianity is the most important aspect of my self-concept, which unfortunately has also been the tool used by others to condemn my way of loving, therefore there has been and sometimes can be dissonance. I have rarely, if ever, encountered many Christians that affirm me holistically, LET ALONE AN ENTIRE CHURCH, and multiple churches at that! The message they were sending weighed heavily on my spirit. They walked around with pride flags that said “All are welcome with us,” “God Loves you all as you are,” “Marriage Equality for all” and even one had “Black Lives Matter” on the banner. I feel my heart soothe as I type these messages because these are the forms of love I have always desired from the church, and have also convinced myself did not exist.