escapism junkie

fuck remorse. buffy doesn't give him the benefit of the doubt because he feels remorseful for everything he's ever done. she gives it to him because his actions in direct relation to her and the things he did to harm her have shown he is making an effort to change the way he interacts with her specifically. it shows he is making the effort to value certain things that she also values. it shows he made a monumental effort to be better and forge himself to fit a certain space in her life.

i think the one thing people fumble when interpreting spike's character is an assumption that his redemption is that of someone who wants to be a better man for the good of everyone and his own self image. spike doesn't want that. he wants to be better for buffy. and part of that is redeeming himself at large, but most of it is just becoming the person she can rely on at her worst.

honestly part of what makes spike appealing with a soul is that he doesn't feel bad about nikki. he doesn't return the coat and he doesn't make amends in avenues that he doesn't value or that he doesn't think buffy will value. a vast majority of spike's character is shaping himself for those he loves. but even then there are parts of him that will never change. to be quite frank i think that makes him more appealing as a character. not less.

i rlly love this scene cuz he's the one who's comforting her, watching her sleep. he's happy but also terrified. not only is this the most intimate they've been in a long while, this is also the best thing spike felt with or without a soul

sure, he gained buffy's trust again and got to be there with her. he's content with that; he accepts not being hers while being her support. her guard dog, her whatever she needs him to be. after all, he regrets what he attempted in the bathroom and knows several apologies wouldnt cut it. it wouldnt fix it. he had to earn her trust and respect again, and he did

u can even tell he's hesitant to touch her. when he said "look at me", he reached for her but when she moved away, he pulled back. like my guy learned, he waits for her to make the first move

then by the morning, it switches

he's being comforted, well they both are, but he gets to be in her embrace. wrap his arms around her and feel safe, warm and loved. he can sleep peacefully, probably the best sleep he has had in a long time since he got his soul or probably without it

also prob the best sleep buffy had in a long while too with the shit going down

spike gave buffy strength that night and she gave him a new experience that night. a different level of intimacy from what they used to do, a different level spike never got to experience that wasnt his mother's love. and you what? she was there, she wasnt somewhere else in her head. she was there with him, going through the range of emotions with him

like sure, she left before he woke up but it was because of him she got out of bed and tried again. he was the reason she didnt give up hope, the reason why she has that weapon in her hands