normal about a certain 9 mercenaries

she is TRYING to use all her time off to spend time with you. keyword: try. she gets one day off a year the girl is TRYING HER BEST. but please do not expect her to be around very often. most certainly not during the day but every other night she’ll (break in) walk in to your apartment for a small at home date!

she 100% prioritises work over her own health and sanity so she does have to work on that a bit. i mean we saw in the comics she almost DIED because the administrator needed some australium (THAT SHE KNEW RAN DRY) so like. she has to work on that before really being able to take care of you as well.

what’s that? wanna pamper her? GOOD LUCK SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO TAKE THAT. i personally don’t think she can take gifts very well and will often assume you want something in return. in which she’s now scrambling to go GET something in return.

ideal date where you want to go outside? help her go throw bodies into the cave of teufort.

JOKES ASIDE, if you aren’t fucking crazy, she best place she can take you is to a diner that doesn’t close till midnight. you two are the only customers there and it is very awkward but she’s trying her very best to make it nice! maybe a late night walk back to your place (because she barely is actually in her own, i imagine it’s a mess) and watching old tapes. it’s cute. it’s comfy. it’s non murderous!

if you’re a mercenary? well, it gets a LOT EASIER. hello (probably) only female merc. you’re subjected to girls night. when not actively running and disposing of bodies she’s probably talking to you, maybe while on the phone or dealing with paperwork but i digress.

think her biggest thing is gift giving and acts of service. she can’t exactly GIVE quality time if she tried, and shes so terribly touch starved that i don’t know how she would react if you just laid on top of her. she can give words of affirmation and such but she’s not exactly good at it. just trust me she’s going to be giving more than she expects to receive.

LOOK SHES SO SAD HOW DO I MAKE HER HAVE A HAPPY LITTLE RELATIONSHIP

in my heart of hearts? hes big on gift giving. the man sucks emotionally so the only way he can desperately remind you that he is in love with you is by giving you gifts. you look at a necklace for too long? congrats he's now getting you that necklace but CUSTOMLY COMMISSIONED FROM BELGIUM. and now its dropped at your door like he isn't the only man who gives you those extravagant gifts. you KNOW its him.

he LIKES physical affection, but he's doesn't know how to GIVE physical affection. like he's suave until he is now laying in bed with you and trying to initiate what the kids would call 'cuddling'. you think he's all cool when he's wrapping his arm around you but no. no he's internally screaming hoping you don't look at him funny while he does it. spy is NOT cool

his smoking room is now a shared space, no matter how much he does complain you're invading his wine room, he lets you in every time. just don't touch anything. ever. at all.

he isn't the best times, i mean he'll come to a late night date, but also remember he's a mercenary and unless you're ALSO a mercenary, you won't be seeing him often during the day, he just somehow makes it into your house and you don't exactly know how or why he's entering at 2 am.

but he's there. and he brought two glasses. so does it matter?

is. unfortunately gone by morning. the man is up and out of there before anyone can catch him walking about. after all he IS a famed mercenary and teufort DOES want him dead. so its a bit hard to be domestic there.

the mask stays on. so sorry, but he does not take that thing off around you until you are YEAARS into that relationship. perhaps if he retires? but while actively in the job he keeps the whole identity thing for the full 9 yards ahead. god forbid you ever learn his name.

HES REALLY BAD IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT FOR MORE THAN TWO SECONDS

DEMOMAN

out of all of them? he is the best. he can actually recognize that he is wrong in an argument after the fact and apologise, which is crazy by mercenary means. after all, most of his problems are solved by alcohol and bombs, but he cares about you enough not to blow you up, so be thankful for that.

that being said… he’s also drunk most of the time, so the former may not even apply when you’re arguing. he most likely won’t recognise he’s even arguing— hell! he might not even remember he’s arguing halfway through and begin talking about a completely unrelated topic. it’s kind of difficult to continue from there, considering he’s either too drunk to recognise you, sleeping, or taking another swig out of a comically large bottle.

"Aye..! I know y’er mad aboot th’ match but in—" His glassy eyes looked around, almost not at you, rather your general surroundings, his leg limp slightly. Be tilted to the right as he looked towards the fireplace of the lounging area, stumbling slightly, "—Wh’teva’ ‘s really jus’ ah… hic!—" Almost on cue, the man had practically fallen, stumbling over, falling asleep momentarily. The second his body loses balance, you seem to have been forced by your instinct to catch him. The impact between him and your arms almost knocked you both over, but thankfully he slowly rose back up to his feet and looked you in the eyes. Unfortunately for you, he already forgot about the argument, and began incoherently babbling about how he missed being this close to you. ..Maybe bring it up another time. One of the rare hours when he’s sober.

when he's sober afterwards i imagine its a lot easier to have a conversation with him, after all he's usually willing to admit he was in the wrong, and a lot of the time, its not a big argument. he's just not a man easy to anger. while the support classes are much easier to aggravate. a common theme seems to be the defense class men are just a loooooot more patient. (also a lot more apologetic)

ENGINEER

its genuinely really hard to argue with this man because he is (most of the time) correct. even if it is an argument you thought you knew all about he's INFURIATINGLY on top. why? well, he does his research really. he's not as willing to win silly little debates but when it comes to much more serious decisions being made. or, say, doing something utterly STUPID at work that could've gotten you killed. yeah, the respawn exists, but darn it that don' mean you can play with it!

so when you, say, fuck around with dangerous technology, he will 100% start arguing. not because he hates you for messing with his latest trinket, but because you could've gotten seriously hurt! that's not a game he's willing to play. unlike the medic, he doesn't often fuck around with satan, the poor texan doesn't want to grow more grey hair in his... beard? eyebrows? i don't know, dell is practically bald.

"WHAT were you THINKING?" The Texan dropped his hard hat onto the desk beside him. The man works late nights to make sure no one gets royally fucked by that dangerous machine his Grandfather created a few generations before, and you're skipping out of it like it's a playground? It's safe to say his blood pressure suffers due to your recklessness. Though it was clear his volume was unwarranted, he finally started over with a long sigh, talking at a normal volume. "Y'know that thin' wasn't always 'dere? Dontcha? Don't get too comfortable with that thin'. I don' wanna see you get hurt, y' hear me?" Dell really didn't want to hear your side of the argument, after all, in his mind there was no reason in hell OR heaven for you to just casually run at the flames of the opposing Pyro for 'funsies'. Imagine how it is for him to see you die in numerous ways on the battle field. It AIN'T NICE, to say the least.

no matter how long the argument went on, he would eventually shut you down with a good 'don't pull that shit again' and move out to take a lap. he takes a lot longer to cool down than the other two defense mercenaries, mostly because whenever he argues genuinely, it gets rather personal. even if to you it seemed rather 'impersonal' and 'professional' feel-y, in his heart it was because all the machinery is what gives his family their name. whenever he sees someone messing around with it? it genuinely ticks him off.

HEAVY

man of little words argues the least, mostly because, unlike engineers, everything is rather impersonal. he's definitely heard it all, and while i don't think he apologises as often, it's also just difficult to get him to argue THAT BADLY. the most you get out of him is maybe two words telling you not to do something, and even then there's not that much room for argument is there? you either do what he's asked of you or you don't. both are things he can't quite control. he's just as stubborn, as you can tell he just does his own thing, only following directions when he can see it's vital for his or others' survival.

not impossible to argue with him, however. there are times when you can get him to argue, but its usually not anything important. perhaps you had a different opinion on how a cliffhanger was supposed to be interpreted? now we're getting somewhere. maybe you have a rather negative imagine of fyodor's brothers. he's not gonna let you pass without explaining why.

"I just didn't understand what the Father was supposed to mean in all that!" You may have exclaimed as you sat across from the largest mercenary on the team, yet sat composed in a comfortable sofa chair, with small glasses and a comically small book in hand. He wasn't usually seen like this, after all, most people see him screaming violently on the field. It's only this side that you see most commonly late at night. The way you seemed to speak of it was rather surface-level. Which, not to blame you, it's a Russian novel, not many are reading it at all. Heavy never owned books in English. So it's really just for you to 'suck up and take' while reading with him. Thankfully, he's taught you enough to have you fill in the blanks with common sense. Perhaps it was just American society getting to you. Back at home, the meaning was a lot easier to grasp, knowing that most were under a similar crushing situation under the new rule. At least in Russian society, where a lot of knowledge is needed to even begin to understand the book, the brothers' differences were clear in what they represented and what their father represented, especially in the modern day with the uprising and new government, filled with Soviet control. The man stared lost in thought at you, which is mighty intimidating on its own, before actually speaking up. "Ah, no." He simply shook his head, leaning forward in his chair for you to hear him better, "He uses father in metaphor not..." He snapped his finger attempting to remember the English word for his sentence. "Literal. Father mean more than just caretaker. Mean oppression." It sounded as if he were to continue before he simply sat back and relaxed back into his chair.

MEDIC

my brother in christ he is ALSO working. 2fort’s best paper pusher right there.

if you see work pile up he wouldn’t be opposed to helping you if you ignore is own work piling up. he doesn’t mind it really, as much as he says he doesn’t get burnt out he absolutely does and completely understands.

also taking you out of a work environment !! separate yourself from work for a little while, it’ll make you feel a lot better. he would take you somewhere nice if he wasn’t banned for 99% of public spaces, but does his best with what he has. you can walk around town together or he’ll invite you to his private quarters for you to relax with him and his Unusual Amount of Doves.

he’s also huge he’s practically a living weighted blanket. he isn’t exactly one to lay down and cuddle for hours but he can give you physical comfort before he finds himself distracted by something else in the room. you WILL have to listen to his crazy side rants if you spend time with him.

over all i think he’s more work oriented, so i think he’s more focused on “getting it all done” than “girl fuck your work we’ll go out on the town”

ENGINEER

paper pusher number two

he saw it happening before you did and probably dragged you out of the workshop before it got too serious. in the most non-creepy way possible he finds himself observing you frequently when you work together (or just in the same area) and will run checks on you frequently. need water? don’t worry about it, got a mini fridge right there for you— hey would you be a darling and pass the beer over too? thanks.

hospitality is his deal, even if you’re dating he finds himself treating you like a guest. you get the top priority. ignore his constant working and hypocrisy and he’s like a mini nurse.

also also probably does the work for you while he distracts you with something else. he doesn’t mean to be untruthful but.. while you nap he might’ve finished up a bit of your work and just told you that you did it but you were so tired you didn’t remember. HE JUST WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU

celebration too! he can actually go places, he takes you to a nice little diner and has dinner with you. he’s wearing his stupid little plaid shirt and jeans to dress nice and is TOTALLY playing but off like he’s the prettiest boy at the party. (he is) he even does the slick back hair motion on his hardhat (or very bald head). i want his dead /pos.

SCOUT

brother doesn’t know what he’s doing. he is one of the WORST at trying to help you get work done. he honestly just tells you to forget about it and you both just leave to go run about the base for a bit. a good jog never hurt anyone, i guess. (pauling is drowning in work)

he’s irresponsible so don’t trust him to help you either, he’ll forget about it and get distracted with something else entirely. but it’s the thought that counts! he’s also illiterate so that’s probably a problem with homework or just filing pages…

he also doesn’t take no for an answer, if you shove him off he’s just gonna keep pestering you, or if you’re small enough? just GRAB YOU. you’re leaving that desk whether you like it or NOT. you’re gonna go— as the kids say— “touch grass.” it’s gonna happen.

on the bright side, you’re never bored, he’s extremely entertaining. even if it gives you guys weird looks out in public, at least you aren’t frowning! you’re just having a good time.

i dont think he minds as long as you dont jumpscare him while hes in his little scope world. tunnel vision is a real thing, you know. he really cannot pay attention to you when hes paying attention to his job, and you running in loudly or hopping, or repeating a phrase out of nowhere might startle him into believing youre a spy.

outside the field i think he finds it endearing, he doesnt like much talking, so you doing all the talking actually helps him. hes quite a good listener when he isnt stressed out of his mind, and I PERSONALLY THINK he has his own little stims related to his gun. tapping the scope, flicking at the magazine, the works.

will not admit it though good luck trying

he also doesnt mind you having some stereophones, as long as he can hear what youre listening too. he finds the tiniest noises more irritating than the louder ones, mostly because in his job he needs to watch out for the littlest of movements, and the quietest of sounds. what hes looking for is only slightly above the ambience of the room. so he finds anything in that specific range to be offputting.

if you think sniper of all people would care you are DEAD WRONG. hes a man of scars and markings and messy hair. (sniper mullet believer). and honestly? i think he likes the scarring, it shows your work pre-respawn, and he finds it SICK. plus, if you ever feel bad about scars he could show you his own. more specifically the one from being revived in the comics. its pretty damn big after all, and hard to miss, but you love him the same, don't you?

in his attempt to be romantic i think he would kiss some of your scarring whenever he wants to be particularly sappy. humming and murmuring about how much he loves how you look and all. he thinks it makes you.. well, you!

and yeah being a lady in a masculine-heavy field is generally hard when it comes to things such as showering and whatnot. he understands. if you get especially ticked off at your messy and unbrushed hair, he would be happy to let you use the shower built into his camper, but he does warn you of the mess everywhere

he'll even wait outside the camper if you want!

what? you thought i'd say he'd sneak a few peaks? wrong blog buddy, but there are some good ones if thats the vibe you want. anyway— he wouldn't look at you any less if you simply missed a few showers or had messy locks. after all, you murder for a living, not model. you honestly still do better than some of the mercenaries on the team. excluding sniper. i think, despite the popular belief of weed smelling sniper, he is a clean man. after all, professionals have standards! hes gotta smell nice yknow. the hair is under the hat he doesn't talk about that.

SCOUT

so into i think

mostly because he thinks youre 100% cooler than him, you probably met because you snuck onto base and started graffitiing on the walls, and he just happened to catch you on his usual patrol. he never tried spray paint because he didn’t wanna suffer the repercussions of soldier finding it, so he usually used markers or chalk to make something small, or easily erasable.

HE THINKS YOURE SO SO COOL I REITERATE. if you ever ask him out he will be stunned but play it off as “haha of course you wanna date someone like me im the best”. he brags about you and your style and your art skills— god you are perfect for him.

you probably share a wardrobe actually. yk the running joke of butches dressing like adam sandler? okay he has the wardrobe of adam sandler it’s so easy for you to steal his stuff. you might as well share things. even if it’s too big for him he’s gonna take your stuff like you take his stuff.

“hey babe where do you get a shirt that looks like mine”

[sweats]

all in all you are the GIRL FOR HIM.

MEDIC

not as crazed about it as scout is but he can appreciate the aesthetic

look he’s genuinely insane, the way you dress is the LEAST of his concerns. just keep the spray paint OUT OF HIS OFFICE. he hates cleaning up any paint to keep his room sterile.

he dresses a lot fancier than just some hoodies and jeans (and also a large 45 year old man, see burly beast) so there isn’t much you can really steal from him. another L for tomboy nation, sadly. but will gladly help you get a suit tailored for you for any event you two go out for.

you probably met on base, as a mercenary. meaning you’d appear in his infirmary more often than not (probably for being wreckless) and that’s how you get close. being masculine on a man filled field (excluding pyro) makes it more reasonable for the time than being extremely masculine on the streets of teufort in the 1960s. meaning he also wouldn’t bat an eye. after all, who is he to judge?

going to be completely honest, medic just isn’t super crazy about it. i can’t write much for it.

PAULING

PAULING WITH A BUTCH GIRLFRIEND PAULING WITH A BUTCH GIRLFRIEND PAULING WITH A

sorry the demons

she’s very feminine herself, there isn’t much you could really steal from her clothing wise, but she doesn’t mind your style. she finds your clothes easier to kill in, due to how easy they are to clean and how comfortable they are to wear.

please don’t give her your good clothes they’ll become blood covered

you will probably have to be a mercenary to meet her, she isn’t the type to really go out, she only has one day off a year after all. and added on with the administrator you two are probably a secret to most. but that’s fine, she enjoys the little things you share

(being an okay girlfriend. her standards are so low)

she just needs some love okay please love her

tbh scout himself gives transmasc energy himself WHO SAID THATTT

hes VERY family oriented, i think he would suggest you meet his ma first. what do you mean youre worried because you havent had your top surgery yet and its also the 1960s. MA WAS OKAY WITH THE STONEWALL RIOTS!!!! (probably)

you WILL be helping with the dinner though. he claims all his brothers are lazy and simply dont wanna help (they cant cook for shit) and so here you three are. making thanksgiving dinner together. she is surprisingly welcoming

she probably derails the conversation and shows you his baby photos whenever scout leaves to do something. she shows you him climbing a tree, awww he looks so happy— oh scout currently doesnt look too happy about the photo book album being brought out without him knowing

hes so embarrassed about his stupid baby self. (if you look closely in the earlier photos you might see a familiar face from teufort there hehe)

rerails the conversation into cooking when the turkey is finally cooked. thank god the photo album is being put away he was not ready.

his brothers also go out of their ways to embarrass him, they talk about him talking about YOU over the phone. some of them actually are bastards and recorded the conversation, wanna hear it—