I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently. While I feel that I have come a long way since ending it with my ex, I still think about what happened many times per day. The energy of the whole situation is so charged and while I would like to release everything and completely move on, part of me wants to hold onto it.  

Here are some ideas about why it takes so long to work through the aftermath of a relationship with an abusive narc/borderline/cluster b/other individual:

Each memory of the relationship needs to be reframed through the lens of the narc as abusive. While we are with them, we constantly make excuses for their behavior, and even after we leave them (or they leave us) it can be difficult to stop. They may have said that they were abused, or that they have trauma from childhood, or that they have depression/anxiety/eating disorders, and more. It takes a lot of processing to clearly see how and when they used their trauma and illnesses to manipulate us and/or justify their abusive behavior. Sorting through every memory - many of which seem relatively harmless and forgivable when taken out of the context of the entire relationship - takes a lot of time and energy. 

Recognizing and taking responsibility for codependent, people-pleasing, and perfectionist thoughts and behaviors in ourselves takes a lot of effort. Combing through memories that may have led to these tendencies is emotionally exhausting because they often stem from early memories in childhood, or from painful memories in our teenage years. Going back when all we want to do is move forward can sometimes feel like wallowing, but it is necessary to better understand the part that we played in the abusive relationship.

It takes time to piece our self-esteem and sense of reality back together. When our entire sense of reality has been called into question through hoovering, gaslighting, and manipulation, it is difficult to trust our own perceptions and judgment. When we are rooted in someone else’s twisted sense of reality, self-respect and self-esteem go out the window. 

Negativity can be addictive. The hot-and-cold nature of relationships with narcs can be addictive, as well, because it triggers the same part of the brain that is active in other addictions.