PYRITE NEWS

Baltimore, MD – Big changes announced today at the Baltimore headquarters for the organization that has, until today, been known as the “National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP). The organization shall now be called the National Association for the Advancement of Certain Colored People (NAACCP).

“In light of today’s changing world, with certain candidates running for office with certain other political parties, we decided it was time for change.” stated spokesman Clarence Rogers. Though claiming it has nothing to do with the official presidential candidacy of neurosurgeon Ben Carson, Rogers did state “We have to discriminate against the wrong people advancing. We don’t want the wrong people succeeding with the wrong message. That goes against our core values.”

Recently, a haunted house released hidden camera photos of the reactions of some of their most terrified clients. What they saw will scare you too!

Here are some of the images released (scroll to bottom to see the terrifying thing they were reacting to):

What did they see that scared them all so much?

THIS:

by @JaggerGrey Washington, DC – President Obama, under fire for what appeared to be a lopsided prisoner swap, has responded with the math that fully explains his decision. Obama stated by using the math methodology found in the Common Core curriculum, one can equal five. “You have to look at the value of the units” Obama said from a White House press conference, “when you do, it all adds up.” He then went on explaining the math.

“You see, Bergdahl was a deserter, which means he’s a negative. Take the five ‘high value’ Taliban leaders, who also would rather be working to put American troops in harm’s way like Bergdahl, and count them also as negatives. Common Core teaches us if you swap negatives for a negative, you get a positive result.” Obama then walked away and let Jay Carney respond to any questions.

When asked if this is another example of a Common Core failure, Carney simply shrugged. When asked if this was another example of another Obama administration nation security failure, Carney again shrugged. Carney then pulled out a flask from his sport coat and took a swig. The shocked reporters yelled out, “Are you drinking?” to which Carney replied, “If you had my job and it was your last day, wouldn't you?”

By Jagger Grey @JaggerGrey

San Francisco, CA – House Minority Leader, and former Speaker, Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) made a startling admission today, announcing she is illiterate. “That’s why I didn’t want to read the Affordable Care Act (recently renamed, see link), because I can’t read at all.” Pelosi said through tears during a press conference in her hometown of San Francisco.

“I’ve never been able to read. I’ve always had others do the work for me. It’s something I believe in strongly, it’s why I’m a democrat.” She stated to a crowd of reporters.  “When I said we’d have to pass (the Affordable Care Act) to know what was in (the Affordable Care Act) it’s because I needed to wait until the liberal media read it for me. I had no idea!” Pelosi went on to say, tears streaming from her face. “I’m so sorry, please forgive me!” She then was escorted away from the podium.

One reporter from San Francisco’s KTVU News, who was physically closest to Pelosi when she left the podium, stated they heard her say to an aide “Now at least I’ll keep my seat.”

When asked for comment about Pelosi’s revelation, Senate Majority leader Harry Reid responded with “What? She didn’t read it? Wow. Well, I did and I assure you I agreed with every line of it, every last one.”

Hope for Change